life begins again.

this is my stpm severance post. :D and 3 am on my 19th birthday.

i know it's a bit late, but this is the only time i've got to really sit down properly since it ended. yeah, life has been very eventful since stpm.

what can i say without sounding melodramatic and absolutely cynical.

i did previously post stuff abt form six here and there right? and has there been any good ones? hahaha.

so far in my 19 years of life, this year and a half has been the longest and most torturous. to me lah okay don't quote the homeless people or underprivileged kids and all.

i don't know how to explain why, but it must be a lot of small things, and how extremely difficult it was.

let's talk about the exam aspect of it all.

it. is. hard.
i don't know how to directly compare with all other pre-u courses in malaysia, let alone the world, but in my realistic opinion, it's probably the hardest in malaysia, i can bet my nail polish collection on it. subject to subject, you can't beat it.

PA is by no means easy, but the most feasible of the others. and compulsory. graphs, essays, politics. HOW FUN. -_-

Bio. it's hard because the syllabus is really wide, and deep. it touches university syllabus, and the marking is really strict.

but the funny thing is, i still really enjoy studying it more than the others. makes me really think of pursuing the bio field. though, i really hate plants. and dna.

and if God is merciful, i hope i did well enough. because the papers felt kinda okay. but form six really changed my perception of 'okay' lah. so okay prolly means, hurray i passed. my teacher, Pn Daisy is really, an awesome teacher. she's a lil quirky, and sometimes she does cute things for us like buy us egg mcmuffins, brownies, and a pencil, eraser and sharpener a week before exam. haha.

it's a lot of reading, and understanding. and i've gone through a levels textbooks okay. no competition.

Chemistry? i don't know. i don't even KNOW. that A+ in spm really amuses me. i just have to admit there will be some things i'll never understand no matter how much i read it. and i don't know why i just can't seem to calculate anything anymore. not to say it's very complicated, it's just plain difficult. you know, or you don't.

Pn Looi really is a great teacher, and she prepared us well, her notes and lessons are good. but eh. idk. she's also very generous though :D not to mention she postponed her retirement for us. and her curry chicken, cheesecake and so much other food. hehe.

i'm also very bad with experiments. though, i have not broken anything.

what really sunk my ship was that both paper 1 and 2 were so difficult. it's like they knew how to ask all the things i couldn't understand and leave out all the things i could. not to mention, the printing error on the periodic table they gave. real smooth, mpm.

Maths. if i ever said i liked maths, i take it back. i hate it. i thought conquering and liking add maths was enough preparation and foundation for this. it's not. not even close. i don't think i can say with confidence that i'll pass. i probably won't. i feel like a freaking genius if i can solve a question and then you see it's only worth 6 marks and you just want to die. and what has functions and inequalities evolved into?

sigh. it's also quite scary when the smarty pants in class still don't know how to answer some questions here and there.

sorry, i think i can blame half of my failure upon my maths teacher. i will not elaborate.

it's the only subject i have extra tuition for. i don't know if it helped.
that's it. just four, and i really think my brain has reached it's limits.

i'll post about the other aspects later. maybe not even at all, the hell that is stpm drifts further and further away into the past. and i'll gladly let it go. :)

about a few inches.

a bout of nostalgia really hit me today. a specific situation. same people. same feelings? but of course, never under the same circumstances. i don't really like the feeling, it's like grasping at thin air only to realize you dropped it a long time ago.

you can wish and wish and your mind will be boggled into trying to wiggle your way back into even a having a glimmer of hope that such a thing could even be possible again, but it's going to take more than a miracle.

i think i'm ready, or about to be ready on my part. but the other person NEVER so. 

i'm not the type that would flip a table, rather, i'd slump unhappily like a pile of cabbage on top of it and try to dig a hole with my fingernails. 

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

is this a kind of evil?

my grandmother's condition is getting worse. and things get complicated.

borderline delusional when it comes to football.

poldi!

well, i think i'm having a sort of internet farewell for myself today, because today officially marks 40 days till stpm. i've been studying a lot, yet having a lot of time to slack also, that's why study breaks are so tricky aren't they.

i've grown to hate stpm a lot more recently. hahaha. because it's so hard lah, and why on earth are we learning uni level syllabus and bla bla bla. but whatever.

my internet fast wouldn't really be a fast, because important people like me still have to check mail also. haha. but whatever time i have online would be during a football match, so it's like killing two birds with one stone? :)

well, football has been blissful lately. for me, and for arsenal. i'm only human, and yeah, of course it's easy to support my team when they're doing well, and just let me enjoy it. yeah, we did lose against chelsea, but it's not the end of the world either so stop tail-wagging already.

firstly, my boyfriend, aaron ramsey. he's playing a lot better recently, with some exceptions. and with diaby out, he'll have a lot more starts. he is undeniably handsome isn't he. so yes, he's the one i'll pick as my boyfriend. and i kinda am watching myself lest i get too overboard with my delusions, being too attached to anything other than God isn't healthy at all, so don't worry about me. though when i got old, and maybe a bit senile, i won't be surprised if i think i'd really led an awesome life where he calls me a few times a week, and we skype, and he always calls me after a match, and after stpm, i packed my bags for london where aaron supports me with his fattty paycheck, and proposes to me in the emirates, and brings me back to wales and malaysia during off-season and then i just happily watch all his games in the stands. and i'm also best friends with wilshere.

secondly, podolski. i remember being totally impressed with him in the germany world cup, and he is probably the first footballer i really liked, and now that he's here at arsenal, i couldn't be happier. i'd take podolski over rvp anytime. i love the way he plays, and other than that, his presence, his cheeky smile, and he seems like he's been in the team forever. i'm attached to this one alright.

i've dropped walcott out, since all the transfer rumours. he's still always my beloved no.14, but i'm just holding back a bit, prolly till january, to see if he leaves or not. it's just a precautionary measure as to make sure i don't feel too bad.

i'm taking rvp leaving quite well. i still scrunch up and face and whine when i happen to see him in a united jersey, or in replays or old arsenal pictures, but it doesn't kill me. i think the worst was fabregas leaving, so everyone else leaving pales in comparison.

i cannnnnoooottt imagine how i'd feel if podolski, vermaelen, boyfriend, koscielny, wilshere, arteta or cazorla leave. in the future or whatnot.

i'm still on the fence with giroud. he's SO handsome. and as a striker, he really does get into good positions and he does assist, but we'll see how lah. his place in the team is not guaranteed, and missing too many chances, i'm just afraid when the boss and the fans get impatient, and he'll be like a chamakh. and heck, i still adore that one like crazy. chamakh, and arshavin.

okay okay. i really am getting scared that i scare people off my twitter with my crazy football tweets, but it's just twitter lah right.

goodgoodbye.

the way the stars fall from the skies.

hellllo blog. how are you.

i thought i'd blog out some stuff first, before I forget.

since i've had a holiday since thursday, i've been sleeping really well. i mean, i study a lot, and till about 2 every night, and wake up fresh and happy at about 10 every morning, and make sure i don't nap in the afternoons. so, with all this sleeping, comes a lot, of dreaming. uninterrupted by alarm, parents, birds, etc.

i dream the things i usually dream off, like moving into a bigger house with my family. with rooms that have their own bathrooms and walk-in-closets. :p

and also getting a galaxy s3 from my dad. which i refused to accept. i am sooo noble. :p

but last night freaked me out the most. because i dreamt of my granpa.

and i woke up and cried and cried and cried till i couldn't breathe and swelled up, and after i got up to drink some water, i replenished tear fluid and managed to cry some more. then lay in bed from 5am to 6am feeling very sorry for myself. :(

i've had sad, cry-ey dreams before, but then i'd wake up and realize everything is okay and stop crying.

but i dreamt about my yehyeh and all the great things he was, and my memories with him and the cousins when we were younger. and how tired and upsetting the wake services and funeral were. and i cannot imagine the extent of what my granma felt/feels when losing the one you've loved for so long. and how my dad and uncles feel, losing their father. and when i woke up, i just felt so empty, and so lost.

like him cooking in the kitchen, lifting weights with the radio playing elvis songs, eating his weird breakfast meals with the newspaper.

i'm not even a meltdown sort of person, your feelings shouldn't dictate how you feel. you make decisions to get on with life right. and of course i've moved on, my yehyeh's in a better place now. but i am allowed to miss him right? :(

how i really really wished he was still in our lives. that he could get to know eric and cow, and be proud of shaun in sarawak, and telling marcus and i to study hard now.

i feel fine now, i mean, i just watched arsenal beat west ham 3-1 and i'm in a good mood.

but i really don't know what brought about my sudden emotional haywire last night. it's not near his birthday, or anniversary of his death, or anything.

again, I'm really thankful he got to know Jesus and he's in heaven. imagine how we'd all feel if he didn't know Jesus.

i don't know what to say no more.

you know i only say it when i really need to, and otherwise i can deal with it, but sometimes it is overwhelming isn't it. i'm only human.

i don't like being so cryptic and mysterious here, but i can't simply say what i want to say without consequences.

basically life is like that anyway.

i don't know what's up this time. i am a 100% sure i'm able to detect pms symptoms, so i know this isn't one of it. and it's probably the same issue that repeats itself every once in awhile. and each time i thought i dealt with it already, but the next time it occurs, it seems to hit me harder than before.

maybe i have some fundamentally wrong coping system. well, it can't be as wrong as or more wrong as like, drugs, alcohol or abuse or whatever, but what i'm doing isn't very healthy emotionally either. or is it? nobody has a sure method in dealing with their problems.

yes, my rant is seeming more and more pointless.

i'm going to blame this bout of emotion on a few things.

1. studying is a bad-mood inducer. duh. it makes us all grumpy and frumpy. or just stpm. being frustrated that until now, when my stpm is in less than three months time, i am still FAILING my subjects.

2. probably my sister's absence. i don't really miss her that much, it's just nice to have someone to talk to other than my parents. it's nice to not be frustrated at her, because when she makes me mad, she makes me madder than anyone can, really. but when i'm annoyed with my parents, i suddenly have no one to distract me from it!

3. friends. it seems like i'm always worrying about them. yes, wah i sound so noble and selfless here. but it's not like that. i don't know why this has never happened before in previous phases of my life, but now it's like i always have to worry about the bad decisions my friends make, or am i being over-analytical, or in fact not being a good friend at all by not telling them? or should they learn from their mistakes themselves and i'll just be there at the end? or know that they'll be too stubborn to see that they're wrong, and i have to see them live with their decisions, i'd rather just ignore them entirely as a friend. or what if they're not wrong, I'M WRONG! why am i so judgmental in the first place!

4. poor eating habits. :)

i know God will take care of me no matter what, i'm just insecure for awhile now. i'll be fine!

guns a-blazing.

  

okay you can stop looking at chamakh and his intense, brown, Moroccan eyes now.

actually i thought i wanted to post a lot of things here wan, life in july really was exciting, because i couldn't seem to study at all, so i thought i might as well enjoy it. :)

there were some fun stuff here and there, like the snail experiment and the cockroach one that seriously hit me hard emotionally. hehe.

the snails were okay, i got all the baby snails from the garden, and gave them a nice house to stay in. i handdrilled holes in their house by myself! :) and i kept the house and washed it, so my next temporary pet can be readily caught. i want another eustace :)

cockroach was borderline traumatic. i don't like be melodramatic, but i seriously over-reacted on this occasion. catch a cockroach? ughhhhhh. and i think i was the only one in class with a serious phobia of cockroaches. and they didn't seem very empathetic towards my fear at all. 

what's so disturbing is that of course i was trying to put it off my mind and just go to school without a cockroach and ask teacher to just nil out my marks, i dont care, but somehow, that night itself, when i went to pee :( so ngam i see this brown uglyness at the mop and i started to tear because i know i'd have to catch it. by me, i meant my mom.

and then my mother courageously catches it for me. it was tough, but wow. and even observing it safely from the table 5 feet away, when it was in its plastic box with no holes (NO NICE HOME FOR YOU!), i was still mega creeped out. and in the morning, i covered it in three layers of plastic bags. and tied rubber bands. and by me, i meant my dad.

anyway, long story short, it wasn't that bid, the guys choloformed it for me, mei shawn pinned it for me, and if necessary, slyvia would help me. SLYvia. hehe. then there were the 11 or so baby cockroaches sharon brought, and while they were disturbing the cockroaches behind me, i thought ah i better just move away first, and literally seconds after that they dropped them and they all scattered on the floor and i got up on the nearest chair possible. i don't think i screamed though, i was focusing on saving my own life.

i really was on the verge of tears the whole day, and utterly withdrawn. and yeah, i am THAT afraid of cockroaches.

now, what i'm really going to post about is arsenal. the season starts tmr night, so thought i would kau tim pre-season first before i whirlwind myself in fandom again.

here goes. lots of pictures first! :)

 

well. the moment they announced on their website they were coming again i knew God loves me extra or something. for them to come two years consecutive, how shocking. before that i was already consigned to the fact that they may never come back again, or that it'll be another 10 years before they came back but nope God knows :D hehe.

i remember regretting for not being the whole 360 degree fan, like meeting them at the airport, lurk around the hotel, go for all the conferences and such, well HAH there are limitations, you have to be an offical arsenal malaysia fan. -_- and they only open membership in august. only official fans can go for the fans party D: 

and the airport and hotel thing sounded good last year, because i had nothing on last year. this one? a week or so before my trials, so nooo. and okay, i'm not that dedicated for all of that. :( but then!

they had a competition for a meet and greet session! and i got it! i sent in two ticket entries, one on the first day, and one on the last, using cow's ticket. and wow, cow's ticket won it. my luck right. :) i really wished faya could have gone in with me :( when i got the call i was jumping and going to cry and ahhh happiness.

i'll never forget it. its like, a happiness that radiated from within. ahaahha.

i have to say, i must have really set my expectations too high :( but time heals, and now i'm seeing the better side of it :) but it certainly makes my top 5 list of things i wished i go back and change. and number 1 is a guy issue. lol.

it said 50 lucky winners. and sounded so exclusive. and it said be there by 5 sharp. i went there abt 3.30 so that i could see them get off the bus too.

i wanted to look the best i can in an arsenal jersey, and well, i was having a good hair and skin day when i left. but seriously, at abt 6 when we could go in, i was just sweaty and whatnot and ughhhhh

i am a somewhat racist person, i know, so it seems like 80% of the fan demographic was young to middle aged malay men. mmhhm. i ain't gon be able to go thru em. lol. no :(

but i thought, it's okay, i can still meet them personally. while waiting, i met a few other friendly arsenal fans, all guys, and quite older than me D: but it was fun, because besides faya, and sometimes eugene, i have no other friends that loooooovvveeeee arsenal and know more than i do abt arsenal. so it was fun to be uninhibited for awhile and talk all things arsenal for abt 2 hours straight. and they were really nice, and took pictures for me too. and the oldest guy made sure i was safe. i hope all this doesn't sound creepy. heh.

and i swear it was more than 50 people. we were split into 4 sessions, and each session felt like 50 people -_- this is where my griping starts.

and each session was only given 15 mins. 15 mins??? at first i didn't realize how short a time it was. after i got out and thought abt it, how do you divide 15 mins btwn 25 players? and gunnersaurus? :(

and even trying to get in took abt 3 mins. -_- and regrets. they sat the players two by two around the room. and i should have turned left when i got in instead of right. 

first i reached diaby and yennaris, and song and eastmond. i tell you, i was like a awkward wreck that day. i was really speechless and dumb sounding. and i let them sign my shirt and faya's notebook. and i may have been a tad rude on account of all the rushing. there was a really nice and pretty ang moh girl from the arsenal staff that helped me to take the first two photos :)

and as unbiased as i try to be, of course you're more drawn to regular first teamers right :) alex song!

then, next table was, chamakh andddd....uh.. shamefully i can't remember because he was a younger player.

chamakh was a bit shy. but my gawd i remember i was standing there in awe because he may look only so-so in pictures, but he is really really handsome. his eyes. wow. and i got a picture with him. achievement unlocked :D and anyway, faya and i have a real soft spot for him despite you know, other things.

and then next table was gervinho and fabianski. and besides looking very intently at gervinho's hair, i don't remember much.

because, the next table was arteta and miquel. it was a bit more crowded, but they were a lot nicer. them spanish players, seriously handsome also. both of them. i got both their signatures, but no pictures. big regret there too. noob laura.

then was chamberlain and gibbs. got both their signs, but then. 

they rang the stupid gong. means time's up. and i nearly died. in a crazy fluster i took a picture with chamberlain. and i just dragged my feet around the other table. i was ONE table away from vermaelen and miyaichi. and i just snapped a photo of vermaelen and waved at him. vermaelennnnnnnn D:

and then i missed out on the rest. just like that. i got a glimpse of walcott and szczesny, and i was diligently ushered out by security. -_- 

and i was so mad. and upset. and when i got home i was so tired so upset. and i had nightmares and i couldn't sleep. i was THAT distressed. i mean, to come so close and yet so be so far, to miss the chance to fully take advantage of the opportunity i've been given, wow.

and believe it or not, the training day, i met one of the guys i made friends with that day, and he said i shouldn't have left early, because after that we could go back in again. like. what. WHAT. -_- but i'm okay now, faya has helped me gain my sanity.

training day! me, faya and cow. cow drove us to the taman jaya stadium and we took the lrt. and i really did want to sit near the benches instead of opposite again like last year, but it's okay lah. oh cow bought a yellow msia jersey and i bought a blue one yay. finally. REMINDER: I OWE COW 25 BUCKS. faya and i fangirled the whole night, while cow was probably half amused and half sien with us. after training they threw caps in the crowd, but we were just unlucky lah. it ended relatively early, i remember reaching home at 11.30 or so. and i had a bad mystery stomach ache. and i slept badly again.

matchday!

we went with eugene and his two friends. cow tak mau. haha. eugene's tickets were the free tickets mr kang gave me lah ;)

last year it was joel and joseph, and this year cow and eugene. hehe. how lucky are they. we took the lrt from asia jaya this time. and yeah, crowded lah the stadium. and yeah, crowds are not my thing. too noisy, too smelly, and too plain rude some people are. smokers especially. i guess those stupid air horns help with the atmosphere, but whhyyyy smoke -_- and rude people too. and again though, with demographic above as i mentioned. you can make your own conclusions.

the match was very enjoyable though, malaysia did play well. and when they first scored i was so happy too!  but of course, arsenal needed to win, and they did. their playing was a bit half cooked but yeah, you know, it's an odd team combo, the weather is crazy humid, and well, it is pre-season.

:)

we came home almost at 2. and the train back was not pleasant at all. some people are just evil. 

i scoured all the tour footage and found non of myself. and i didn't really bother abt the rest of the tour in china and hong kong, just the matches. 

the latest and last pre-season game was against fc cologne, and podolski scored twice, a penalty and an unbelievable second strike. ;) sometimes i forget that having podolski as an arsenal player now is such a privilege. and apparently giroud and cazorla played well too. giroud is too handsome. :D

and rvp leaving well. i liked him a lot, but i looveeed fabregas. so if i could deal with one, i could deal with the other. and fine, leave. again, strategically, why would united want him. he is kinda old, really great striker, but you have good strikers already. and, tactically he doesn't really suit united. and if he gets injured again i will laugh. sympathetically of course. but i will laugh. 

so i'll be okay, i'm already feeling more love for podolski, giroud, and cazorla then i've ever had for rvp. and song, i'm more gutted abt that. but i'm going to move on.

first game tmr night, i'm so excited! i'm usually not excited abt season starting, but this one i'm super excited. and vermaelen as the new captain, i hope the captaincy curse is over. 

and this it it. i know this post is long.

:)

you don't say that tomorrow.

<3

as each day passes i can point out the very obvious flaws that seafield has right. well, there are a few things which impress me, that my biasness can sometimes allow me to let go.

which is, their christian fellowship :)

first things though, i'm going to sound really cynical and probably Pharisaical and shallow in my opinions. but i will try to justify myself.

even as a Christian, i've never had a good impression of cfs in general, and in relation, the yearly subang rally. the concept of it of course is good, and i get it, but somehow i never really had a heart for it. and u12 didn't really have a proper cf, and i thought that was such a shame, but i can't say much lah, i didn't really support the committee when i could, except for like, one gathering. and the one year when i was 14 i think, when i went for rally.


from what i could gather, my impression of it all was really bad. i felt like it was very pretentious, and more of a social event to meet people, and very elitist. i understand that i cannot expect a church like level of commitment and organization, but then that's where it gets dangerous. 


who's to say who's qualified to be in the committee or not? anyone can pull of being nice and well mannered (most of the time), but they could be spiritually dead inside and you wouldn't know it. just as long as you're a bit more popular and outgoing helps too. leading a young group of people who are so impressionable is something that no one should take lightly. at least have a decent testimony right? i know it's a lot of pressure to keep your testimony well, but then it's a responsibility you have to bear if you want to commit. 

i've heard comm members swearing (intentionally!), having dramatic and sour friendships and relationships, and breaking way too many school rules. and with me already trying to be understanding, what more are other people going to think?

and the rally? might just be another social event you have to 'be' at. the morning session i cannot say, i've never been, so it might be awesome, i don't know :) but the night one, i honestly would just go for the worship session. only because it's louder and more hyped up than allowed in my church. and also, honestly, just to see other people. yeah. heeh :)

i can be blamed for all those things above as well, i know, i mean, i can only say so much but i know the respective committees did try their best. they just have to have more accountability as well. and i'm not condemning those who do attend, it's my opinion. if you do find it helps then go ahead, but for me, it just raises a lot more questions rather than helping me answer them.

and i do think they make a great impact, i just hope it's not just a surface thing. and actually, it's better than not putting in any effort at all i know. :)

well, seafield's cf is helping me to slowly change my mind. :)

really, being able to sing and worship in school is an awesome experience. and sometimes lah, the comm really impresses me. and the fact that they have prayer every morning is cool too. :)

sometimes it's a bit unprepared and immature-ish, but i'm guess it's because i'm old and unrelatable :(

i think i small reason as well is that the day of the 09 rally, was the day my granpa passed away.

so july 11th was the 3rd year anniversary of my beloved granpa's death. i is miss him very muchos.

it's hard to believe we are magic.

form 6 IS fun. and then some.

i've just finished my MUET speaking test, and as i always am after every exam, i am quite confident it was okay (even though it might have been the total opposite)

i'm always thankful for my groupmates, annalie, calista and yee fung, that we're all very comfortable around each other, never a single uncomfortable or awkward moment. why am i being so sappy? because small things throw me off easily and to have such a no problem group, you know, not too serious, not serious enough, always having one or members missing etc. is really an awesome thing. :)

it is now over. and sigh, muet is my only saving grace in convincing my form mates that i'm not brain dead. i think. because my results are so bad, despite my hard work. you see? i probably didn't work hard enough, but i'm narcissistic enough to believe that i have. and my laid-backness seems more like a curse than a gift.

well moving on!

joseph was back for awhile, and johanna's still here. hehe :) though, richard and kids just left, and when louisa leaves i'm gonna be a bit of a wreck. D:

and the euro's just ended. my life can resume as normal once more. staying up for almost every game, i could literally feel the effect's of the lack of sleep. sort of like a personal experiment, see how far i could go. it wasn't that bad actually.

1. one hour sleep for a day (2 to 3 consecutive days) - ridiculously tired after that one hour, but after i reach school, very energetic and hyper till about 2 or 3, then tired, but not sleepy

2. one hour sleep for a day (day 4) - still energetic in the morning, crashing by 10 or 11, sleepy, and tired

3. sleep before and after match, abt 3 hours sleep - tired the whole day, sleepy whenever left alone

4. others - more susceptible to flus, pimples, backaches, headaches

5. unnecessary stress and worry from fantasy football

i think there's more, but gah it's over, no russia, no holland (nuts), no england, no germany. 

i refuse to want to support spain as a whole team, because i still find it ridiculous that half of them come from madrid, and half of them from barca. it's no wonder they're so good, they play together so often!! of course there's torres, and silva lah, but i'm talking about that defense and midfield. and omagah ramos looks a x1000000 times better with short hair. and supporting spain is so mainstream anyway, i have a habit of supporting underdogs. italy don't count, because i just don't like them. heh.

however, i allow myself to continue supporting fabregas, and casillas is still my most favorite keeper in the world. 

i don't know if i ever manage to turn off or disinterest guys due to my intense consumption of football. i hope not. i know i turn off some girls already. :/

on to more serious matters!!

lol next time. i think that's enough for today.

catch me on fire.

yello.
i know i've been away.

the past 2 weeks have been awesome. sigh. :) such a teenage thing to say that, well, i wish life was like this always.

actually the moment exam ended it's been great. i do appreciate the times where i can just go out with no worries.

last minute sleepover at jam's house. me, ngs, boons, irving, jared, jam, kelvin. we played apples to apples and werewolf. seriously, i'd rather do this till 4am in the morning, than be in a mamak tolerating shisha smoke or just plain smoke or than in a noisy club not making conversations.

sigh, anyway. the main thing i want to post, is abt the ng's.

nat, nick, step, my sis and i have been like a power combo since i was 11 or 12. that's abt 7 to 8 years.

imagine, almost every wednesday for 7 years, they'd come to our house for cell, and we'd get to talk and play cho dai di, and monopoly deal. and make fun of the funny stuff that steph always does or says. when younger we'd do silly things like turn off all the lights and talk in the dark, or play with blindfolds. and flee from the occasional cockroaches.

it would make my week seem shorter and funner, and i'd have something to look forward to. and most holidays and big events like cny and christmas our families would hang out together. and movies! and our after youth camp traditions. and breakfasts, lunches, dinners and suppers. and even the tougher and sadder events.

through my numerous boy-crushes, and immature phases. sometimes they remind of the stupid things i used to do. wai i so noob also i dunno.

but now no more. yes lah, we'd still be good friends and see each other every week, but there were times where i'd see them everyday of the week. and now it's just the regular three days a week. :( haha.

there is no particular structure to my post, because i don't really know what to say and how to say it.
there would be no family bond anymore. but it's not a big deal really. i guess.

just that wednesdays just got a lot more boring.


:)

ground rules.

missing shaunchien.

it's been so long. i know. 

exams have been such a pain.

i just feel like all that studying goes nowhere, and when you face the question paper, you do remember flashes of things here and there, but not enough to place an answer and earn your mark. it's utterly frustrating. 

i do realize i still quite enjoy bio, and studying for it, i mean, as much as one can enjoy studying for anything lah. but bio is way better than chem and math.

which is really sucky because majority of my time is spent in chem and math, and my brain seems to have to no power to hold on to it. and now, the next few months just seem a lot tougher.

i don't know how to compare with people taking other courses or what, but this stuff is no joke man. i mean, fine, we already know that spm is nothing compared to this, but i do wonder about the other courses. 

hmm, okay, i don't feel as hopeless as i sound, but today's last paper really got me down. usually i'm like, whatever lah done adi right move on to the next thing, but chem and math are like a a cement block. laced with steel reinforcements. and diamond core. or whatnonsense lah. 

all these crazy people tell you things that you need personality, character, and other talents and abilities to succeed. you fools what people still look for are results okay. lol i dunno what i'm talking about lah i haven't even reached that stage in life yet.

i will not try to make myself humble or what in terms of how much i've studied this past month. (not counting when joseph came back, joel's farewell, and last night) and it's been a lot. i don't really know how much to believe my classmates when they say they haven't been studying much, because i've been studying A LOT and i know what exaggerating means thanks. it's like spm time. only this is mid-terms. HEH.

studying too much makes me moody, and appetite-less.

i still keep up my weekends at church though. it keeps me sane.

i don't even have a point here, i'm just very mehhhhh now.

what's been happening since?

- Joseph came back for like, a day, on labour day. and a few of us went to watch the avengers! :)

(now i must say, i haven't been to the cinema for a long time before that, and of course, since that. it's not that i don't want, i want, but i seem to have to save more money and time recently)

the avengers, was epic. but all i really remember is coming home after that to rest a bit, and study. noob.

but it was nice having jozef around again. :)

- my gramma! is now officially cancer free. and she only had to undergo three chemo sessions. and she really is one person full of awesomeness. she's still positive, and bubbly and funny. and it's fun talking to her, because she's quite faultless as a person. :) she looks young in that photo up there. :)

and she treated the whole family to japanese buffet dinner at mai-u. so naice.

- lower sixers are here! :) quite exciting. i've got carmen now. and the usj 12 juniors. i like. they do seem a bit glum and moody, but i'm sure i was like that as well. :) don't like the squeezing in the assembly though. stupid school. which brings me to my next point.

- usj 12 canteen day! or what hari keusahawanan something lah. i went with john tan, and zechary. or dog and jackery. too formal. haha. why not go back to the ex-school with the ex-classmates? right.

i love kao that school man. i'm bias as heck and i know it, but maybe what i'm saying is true lor. usj 12 is cleaner, and brighter and just more conducive lah. seafield, besides the form 6 block, is really dull and dark and got such an old feeling YES LAH I KNOW THAT SCHOOL IS OVER 30 YEARS OLD lah but it is what it is, i will discriminate.

they changed the prefect room. like i originally proposed, but was too lazy to execute. seafield's prefect room? nonsense. and the prefects just place their bags at the side of nowhere. -_-

and usj12 has a new stage and everything. so prettay. and the bbi. and our old class. :) 

memories lah.

the three of us walked around aimlessly, just meeting our old friends. even if i've never said a word to some of them before, i was so happy seeing them. then i saw izaaz (hensem!) and shahrul, and wen jun. :) and sue chen, fu ying, andrea, and dimitri. 

i always think, if i had that stupid remote from the movie 'Click', i would just spend time going through those memories. haha.

and the teachers! pn lim, pn vijaya, pn shirley, pn evelyn (whom we got to talk to for a long time), pn yek, pn choooooooo and we made it a point to avoid pn heng, and pn regina. :)

they all remembered me! :D and only some remembered dog, and zach. hehe.

i do realized though why i'm so attached to this school, while some of you couldn't wait to leave. i understand it, and would probably feel the same if i were less involved. 

i love the environment, the people, everything. because i feel like i did do SOMETHING there, and it was sort of like a third home.

and one point, the three of us just went up to the first floor and gazed upon the tapak perhimpunan and everybody. :) nice.

the rest of you stupid butts. 

i very lazy to plan outings with you all.

- joel's farewell. yeah he left, to the land where julian is. and no i couldnt go the dramatic airport send off because of exams. at least he gave me a jar of jam before he left. -_- now i can't poke his man boobs anymore. been a good friend for about more than 5 years now. now i miss julian.

i will update more some other time.

by far, the greatest team, the world has ever seen

yes, would you believe it? arsenal's coming back to malaysia. all that i regret not doing last year, motivates me to do all that i can for this year. i've been given a second chance!

the game is dangerously close to my second trials though, and i'm sure it'll cost me a bomb again, so i'll make the most of it.

stalk mode: ON.

shallow little puddle.

another moody post.

sigh. stupid.
miss out on the hot air balloon festival with jess, rhys and lawrence to study kao kao for that stupid chem test.
chem test postponed. -_-
miss out on clement's 21st to study the night before chem test.
takes the chem test.
gets 8 out of 35.

i also don't know what lah now. this, plus everything else. i can't tell if things are getting worse, or i'm just getting more sensitive. i betchu it's a mix of both.

where's the people i can 'count on'?
:(
i think i know what the fella meant, when he posted that 9gag thing where he (i'm sure it's not a girl) wished he could dig a hole in the ground and pretend he was a carrot.

i'm so tired and headachey right now and lol may exam.
this seafield doesn't give up on having events all the time also.

-_-

even when you're gone.

going to do some slammin' today. because i need to get it out.

i have to be real careful how i say this because it's so common for so many of you. 

i'm no fan of the 'smartphone generation' that we are today. it's quite annoying sometimes.

i love my phone i really do. i like wifi. i like my fb. my twitter and whatever else. but i'm not slave bound to it 24/7 okay. i annoy myself when i overuse any of those things, and probably i only use them when i'm sick of studying or need to check some stuff here and there. or when using my computer i just leave it on. and it's fine when i'm alone. right?

well, i think you're crazy if you're constantly glued to your stupid phone/ipad when you're with other people. my gawd. maybe just to say who you're with, or check in or whatever else -_- that's fine. but if you're casually doing alll that that doesn't need to be done, then why the heck are you out in the first place? go home!

can't you enjoy the presence of just hanging out with your friends by talking, and having at least eye contact? what's so important that you're missing out on in cyberland?

even worse if you're playing some stupid game. i think next time, i'll just get up and leave, or go sit with someone who knows how to hold a conversation. 

do you really expect me to believe that you're having fun when all you do is tweet about having fun and checking in and out of wherever the heck you are? 

if I'M having fun, you won't even see my phone, unless I have to urgently reply or check on something. yeesh. and by urgently reply i mean urgent enough to reply asap okay. 

if you want to dissociate so much, then do it, but not at the expense of other people. 

i will throw bricks at you.

singing in the rain, just singing in the rain.

i'm enjoying my holidays immensely. :) 

there's been a lot of talk about stress lately, and honestly, the more you emphasize that you're stressed, the more stressed you'll get! so get over it, and think of better things to do than express your stress.

okay, this isn't directed to anyone in particular, but it does apply to some of you.

i'm not saying i don't vent out my frustrations, but i don't do it regularly and with such intensity okay. 

for muet, pn joyce gave us a topic and an essay on stress. causes, symptoms and ways to overcome. and it made me realize how pitiful we are sometimes. i know it is a fast paced world and it's difficult to keep up without pulling some hairs out here and there, but i would say, stress is just an emotion, and it is a choice on how you handle it.

our lives here are pretty good wouldn't you say? we're at the age where we have good health, abundant energy, independence, freedom, sufficient (and even disposable) income, a roof over our heads, with electricity, water, air con! and wifi!, family and friends with us, and alll the time in the world.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU STRESSING ABOUT?

you cannot control everything, don't act as if you don't know that, just let it go, and do something else. :)
you chose your path, try harder!

stress is not an excuse to throw tantrums and fusses, it's not an excuse to procrastinate and not do anything either. 

trust God. everything will be fine.

booga.

this holiday week has been nice :) i wish i were sliggghhhtttly more productive, but so far i think i'm doing good. though, if you take out all the stuff i do for church, then well, you'd see my productivity as much less, coz all i've done is one loooong night of math, and a few sleepy hours of biology. but it's okay though, anybody can study and do work, but not anybody can do what i do for church. #proud

the weather is also awesome. :) i know God doesn't plan weather around me, but i do feel like He told the weather to be extra nice to me this week, so i can enjoy more :D

sleep is an absolute love. :) and football is best enjoyed like this. :)

i'm a simple girl, i take pleasure in simple things. :D

better than before.

things i should probably do after stpm is over. 

(i've learned my lesson, and won't waste time (but happily) like i did after spm)

1. learn a new language (or two) - CHINESE.
2. get fitter - jog! a lot! tone up. get a gym membership?
3. get a clue - learn something that makes me go nuts, like shares, taxes and investments
4. sharpen skills - finally learn illustrator, improve on photoshop, dance classes?, sports :)
5. grow spiritually - read the entire bible!, join s.o.m, join ee
6. read - reread the whole series of narnia, hp, percy jackson - get started on all my other books!
7. get a job! and more than one!
8. pending :D

boys out.

you know what every girl needs? guys.

yes, some guys are dumb like buckets, but some of em really do make life better. and i promise you don't have to be in a relationship with any of them -_-

i'm not posting this so i can brag about how much of a guy magnet i am or some nonsense like that, heh. i just want to stress the importance of platonic relationships between girls and guys.

now, girls are awesome in every way possible and i love all my girlfriends and i hope i've never or will never choose any guy friend over them. but sometimes girls are a tad bit too emotional, too picky, too uptight, or just the downright stereotypes like too girly, too bimbo, too shopping-minded, too concerned about how they look and all that. not every girl is like that lah i mean. myself included of course. and sometimes it's tiring to hang out in girl world.

that's where having guy friends are awesome as pie. because they remind you to take a break and shut up about that kinda stuff because they don't really care about that. guys have more objective and blunt points of views. sometimes it's annoying, but most of the time it's really refreshing.

and sometimes, i feel, guys care more? some guys, some times. lol.

and i don't have to feel so scared about hurting feelings so much. they're tough, they can take it. 

and come on, guys are kinda funnier all the time. sometimes i'm as boring as a pile of bricks. unrelated. okay. some girls are super funny, yes, but MOST guys I know are nuts. disregarding vulgar and sexist jokes -_-, their lameness and sarcasm is just so enlightening. 

and its fun because you can talk to them about food, and sports, and tell them "if you roll up your sleeves, you'll look much better" kind of thing. 

and male chivalry exists you know. i like that they treat me well and i don't have to be anyone super special but their friend to deserve that. 

i miss a nicholas, a jeremy, a joseph, a zechary and you know who? wen jun. mhhm.

it helps if you're hensem also. ;D

happiness in proportions.

how you feel, after two goals.

my monthly exams are over, and at first i was, hallelujah, can take a break! then i realized, it's already march! D:

i don't mean to be a killjoy or come off as a jerky nerd, but i do think time has passed by awfully fast, and in 9 months i'll be sitting for stpm. there's still so much to take in and understand!

the exam that just passed felt okay to me, like OKAY :) and not like.. ohhkaayy :( haha. because i know me, i haven't studied at all last year, and i was so thankful that the syllabus covered in this exam was a lot less.
and to contradict myself, also freaks me out because my gosh, there's so much more! D:

if spm you can get by with hard work, memorizing and shallow understanding, stpm is mega hard work, ultra memorising and the understanding of a god. seriously. i do one math question and i feel like a genius already! :)

i pushed myself kind of hard this exam, and i'm quite amused that it feels kinda of like it did for spm. studying to the point of no appetite, mood, or energy.

and to sound more dramatic and pitiful, i feel a fever coming on now. from a sore throat. and it's getting worse by the hour! :(

and there's the r&d report, inorganic chem presentation, and the science week experiment. :/

on other matters, meng chern has now left for melaka. another one gone! why do you all like to leave me.

nat and steph bought me subway cookies to celebrate exam being over! :)

fickle tickle.

i changed it again! phew. i knew my red phase was only temporary. this is more me, i can think and decide clearer when my head is less crammed with equations.

:) so girly. i like it.

it's really red.

yez, new layout. hopefully i'll stick to it. because i'm so fickle. my designer part has been raging on lately, and i have a sudden need to customize everything to a tee. i'm feeling like red now, not turquoise, coral, honey or purple. i bet, though, it doesn't signify a single thing. i love the fact that i've found the perfect pixel size for proper alignment, just LOOK at my sidebar and i dare you to not be impressed with it, reminder for self, its 270 pixels!

and i'm vain enough now to compile, edit, and post a proper sidebar photo, i'll probably never change it again. because i don't usually take that many decent photos of myself.

why the sudden motivation for all this? i saw this girl's blog, and i jeles. simple as that. :)

goodnight fatsos.

super trooper.

sigh. i wish people knew what was good for them, then again, if i were in their position, i wonder if i'd know how to control myself either. even thinking about it now makes my brain itchy.

why is the line between what's right and what's wrong such a thin and subjective one?

we like to rationalize. that's why. even though it's bad, we think, it's not THAT bad, i'm not hurting anybody. and whatever's good is too boring, and too traditional.

well, you can struggle with it all you want, but it shows what kind of person you are, with such little integrity.

y u so noob!?

makes me think that dependable people are getting extinct, and the one i have, i won't let go. because some things are more important than looks, money, or charm. 

sigh. 

i've had a slew of crazy dreams again over the past few days, the same kinds of dreams i always have, lost in the middle of some old uncivilized area, being chased by people, and shamefully, clothes that i can't afford. i wonder though, is there some deep metaphorical meaning to all this, or my brain has problems with it's images at night.

can you believe exam is next week! already have to think about missing out on two parties on the weekend, eh? what's this? i have to sacrifice which one now? study? 

blehhhhhhhhhh.

oh how faaaaabulous.

bye. :)

fire.

okay, i edited this, because i thought i really ought to post SOMETHING, because i'll regret later on for my own sake.

well, today, a 'special' few of us had to go to the mpb for a 'special' motivational talk on achieving our goals. and all that cliched stuff. really, it's so easy to say, and heck yes, i'd love to set these things you call targets and work hard and make schedules to study and sacrifice fun, well, it's easier said than done isn't it?

sitting there trying to project a mixed face of i-honestly-don't-care-about-what-you're-saying with interested-robot-face, i was wondering, how did i get myself here? i've never been in a position where my motivations were questioned. thinking about it, we're 19! we can think for ourselves, this talk isn't going to be a life-changing revolutionary wake up call okay.

they asked if we had motivation, that you'd push yourself every day, from the moment you get out of bed. and this year i have been resolving to do better. i ask God for strength to face another stressful, hot, tiring, and humid day, and that somehow i might even be productive from it. and then i go to sleep, thankful to God for helping me through another stressful, hot, tiring, and humid day without emotional scratches.

and that one day, i'd look back and realize how trivial, minute, and insignificant these moments of weaknesses are, when God has made my life a series of many wins and wonders.

so i'd say, God is main motivation. and i'm surprised by how uh, for lack of a better word, chilll, i've been about things that usually seek to press all my buttons.

i'm still deeply flawed, i hope you all know that i know that too. but it's okay if you don't love me on valentines day, because God loves me everyday. :)

i'm hungry, bye.

:D

magic in a bottle.

i'm afraid this might come off as another shallow post, but i can't sleep now so i've got exhaust myself somehow, right? okay, i just thought of tetris... nah. i'll try not to. it's so silly cause yesterday i had a 3 hour nap but already felt sleepy by 11, and today i didn't nap at all and its almost 1 and i'm still like a freaking energizer bunny. and it's going to bite me in the butt tmr because i'll be in school till 5. D:

so here goes. i'm gonna discuss about my nail polish today. :) haha. yeah.

i love nail polish, and polishing nails. i find it a calming use of my time, when i'm not too busy of course, and it helps when i'm in a bad mood.

it appeals to the girly primpy side of me which i assure you isn't always that prominent. and sometimes when i feel quite like a boy i look to my nail polish and remind myself i'm as girly as i want to be. and maybe it isn't so bad because i do have the boy-side of me to balance things out and pooh since when is anyone so one dimensional anyway?

i guess it also appeals to the designer in me (cheh wassup man). why not? bottles of all shades and colors, pastel and neon, metallics and glitter, pale and bright. isn't an extension of art in some way? and the infinite amount of designs and patterns and combinations! please try not to imagine those uber long nails with crazy diamond stick-ons and tacky leopard prints okay.

it probably also is a cry for attention. HEY LOOK AT MY NAILS AND COMPLIMENT THEM. and then compliment my skills yo. haha. i've only ever had one mani pedi in my lifetime, and i wouldn't ever consider spending that much money on it again, unless it's a once a year thing or after major exams thing. :) i also have a much rarer taste in nail polish colours than the generic crowd. anything neon is a yes. though difficult to find. what scares me is the amount of different types of pink i have D:

i also take good care of my nail polishes. i have almost 50 bottles and i care for all of them. i'm intelligent ;) enough to know which brands are good, so they last longer. sorry, i do not care for cheap nameless polishes. :) unless they're the really good knockoffs of the opi collection. kind of collector's items lah.

yes. long day tmr.

i have to post on cny soon. mmhmm.
goodnight. :)

I belong to You.

so, two weeks of school has passed, and i feel like i've just walked out of a battlefield. 

its a neverneverending strain of homework, projects, and studying. yes, you can say i'm a bit hypocritical because i still do take an hour nap every evening. but that's because i tell myself, my gawd, it's only january! i gave up naps for spm in october!!

pui. haha.

i'm so happy i've got a one week break. i promise i will study. but i will also enjoy myself silly. yezzzzz. i will.

food, fun and friends. oh. and. uh, family. believe it or not, when people say 'money!!' i'll be like, meh. it's a great bonus, but i honestly don't see it as cny's main attraction. :)

i'm already missing some people like crazy.

this post is becoming pointless.

lets make it in point form. :)

awesome things so far:

1. driving to school

- no matter how sleepy you are, you will still feel like a boss

- you won't get tired of the looks the juniors give you

- you can go home any time you freaking want 

- radioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

- can throw your stuff anywhere in the car

- always worry if you parked too out, or forgot to lock, or left the keys in the car

- have to honk at fat chinese boys that walk in the middle of the road

- still quite sleepy

2. sleeping in school

- not as much as i used to 

- because there's more work to do -_-

- although i still sleep more than my classmates

3. my quiet time! it's more regular now, and somehow less difficult than it used to be last time. so it really is true when they say this really improves your relationship with God. :) 

4. a general thankfulness of everything. i'm always thankful i have 

- an education. its not a fancy private college or and ultra exclusive uni, but it's good nevertheless, who says that it is in anyway inferior in quality? :) some people get peas for an education okay. PEAS.

- a nice house, a nice bed, the megacomfortablest pillow on earth. i don't live in a mansion, but hey! this place has got water, electricity, i have my own room and all that. :)

-  a computer, enough (more than enough) clothes, a car that is partially mine, with a working air cond and radio, and all the other material stuff in between. sometimes i think, living in this society, we're impervious to the fact that only a few percent of people on this planet have enough money to spend on things we WANT, after we've already spent of things we need. i don't spend like crazy though, remember that ;) 

5. friends and family

- i think i've got the best friends and family combo that no one can ever top. seriously. i win. 

6. going to sound superficial, sigh, but i'm very thankful i'm not an idiot. some people at this age still are idiots, trapped in their own crazy world, i'm glad i've got a good sense of maturity ( i guess??) and general knowledge. my life doesn't revolve around a few unimportant things. does this make sense? to me it does. mmhmm.

7. inevitably, guys. yeah. i think i may sound conflicted about guys based on what i've previously posted before, but i know now, more than ever, i know what i want. i really do. sometimes the decisions i've made in my head and my heart may waver and sound questionable, because of things like temporary feelings or yeah, jealousy :( , but in the end i'm back to square one where i'm completely sure, that, no, i don't want and need a guy right now. 

:)

7 things. :)

happy chinese new year! :) 

so far, so not good.

so far this year seems like a real fuzz. not good fuzz.

today is only wednesday of the second week of school, and i'm already beginning to feel burned out.

first day of school already had a megablast fever. first time having a high fever in a long time, but that healed quite fast lah. had too right, got school. can't miss it.

otherwise i've been doing much better in school which even i'm surprised at. i've done more studying and homework in 5 days than i've done in the whole of last year. 

though, the amount of homework is starting to get to me. it never ends! pn daisy was upset that students spend more time on maths and chem, and not enough for bio.

LADY, if i had the time to read bio, i'd much rather do it, but i cannot OKAY, because there's forever chem and maths homework that flows in every single day. hmph.

and then we have small tests next week we have to study for, coincidentally for chem and math also -_- , so, where, when, and how can i do anything else. har.

i haven't been sleeping well either. nights and afternoons. pui don't judge me yet. i sleep in the afternoon, TRY, to sleep in the afternoons because i didn't get much sleep at night. but all my sleeping has been very light and fitful lately. i can't wait for friday so i can try to sleep for a thousand years. assuming i don't study lah.

so yes, here's to a full year of all this nonsense. 

:)