Remember that last post I wrote on stretching? How just when you think you've given your all and done your best, is where there will be even more and you will be spread even thinner. How it teaches you to turn off your incredibly habitual self-reliance and remember to humble yourself and realize how much you need God. How you understand that there are very apparent limits to your experiences and perspectives and in the end you just know how much bigger God is, how much He loves you and how much He has the best plan for you.
2016 has been a crazy year.
This final semester in university has been downright INSANITY where I constantly feel like I'm a human machine, where it's a never-ending cycle of understanding assignment briefs, group discussions, delegations, executions, submissions and all the teeth-gnashing in between. I've never been so mentally drained before in my life.
I was just reminiscing on how this isn't even the worst. and how do i rank? very simply by my menstrual cycle. hahaha. because since emotions are relative, there are definitely tendencies to dramatize certain points of my life. but in this case, it is physically proven that my stress is so major that my body literally loses function in terms of being in any sort of condition for reproduction. Also lots of mental breakdowns, crying and sleep debt.
I would also like to think that I have a generally higher tolerance of stress than other people. Prove me wrong please, can you sacrifice sleep like I can? can you manage multiple leadership responsibilities at one time? Can you embrace Murphy's Law?
My first period of intense stress and busyness was in Form 5, when sitting for TWO consecutive important SPM trials, organizing a HUGE event, and designing a billion materials. Here, my period did not come for the entire two months. I also yelled at many people.
My second was during STPM weeks where I had barely an ounce of sleep which was so bad, that I would fall asleep accidentally mid-meal or mid-conversation. and my period also did not come for that month.
I suppose those seasons of my life have also geared me towards higher capabilities. Guys, I'm not saying I'm better than everyone else because of all these. I know its just one good trait that I know God has graciously allowed me to have, and I just have to remind myself that we are all motivated and driven differently.
So now, in my final semester of uni, here I am. almost burnt to a crisp with the meteor shower rain of assignments. I feel like I've had tough times with previous semesters, but also always having time to rest in between. This sem though is the complete opposite where it demands so much of me everyday, that even doing normal human things like going out to eat with your family or sleeping for more than 3 hours a day feels like a very guilty, punishable sin.
I've cried on more than 4 occasions of breakdown, and had 2 or more literal panic attacks. Yes, I want your pity. The final successes and commendations have been great, but if i ever had to relive the two months again knowing how it would have been, I would just die.
Integrity wise I can't say I've done well either where I'm not sure if the circumstances warranted me an allowance to be as pissy, detached and indignant as I could be towards everyone around me. My face couldn't produce a genuine smile even if i tried. I felt like I didn't show strong character throughout this time. and I lost (and still losing) my patience with the incompetent people around me too often. and in the midst of this, I'm unable to cope with my responsibilities in church ministry and service.
BUT It's the last few assignments and final exam left before i finish university. my last stretch as a student before being a legit adult. i see the light at the end of this short tunnel, and will be stepping into another almost infinite black hole season of life next.
and then there's this other thing. which is wonderful and amazing on one hand, and painful and heartbreaking on the other. and again it's stretching me in another area which I thought I had no problems with.
so many unfair things just come into play and in the end, you just have to trust that God has the best plan.
if faith is acting based on what I know, then even if I'm completely lost in some things, what I do know is:
1. God has the best plan for me and my life
2. God knows me inside and out, my thoughts, hopes, desires and disappointments
3. God loves me unconditionally
and I will act on those things which I know in my heart of hearts, it is in fact the only things I know which are constant and eternal through the seasons of my life.
I'm so tired, says me, for the billionth time.