sometimes, being heartbroken can be a good thing.

if the concept of God is something too hard for you to understand, then well, you're not alone. if even the topic of God and Christianity makes you shudder and think 'ah this is for the holy people' then well, you should care even more. if you're mature enough to think for yourself, then you should ponder on the purpose of life.

sometimes we get carried away in life that our only purpose is to get a good education, get a partner, get married, get kids, and retire happily. at some point in your life, i bet even in the first 20 years of it, you wonder as you get up at the same time, go to the same place and do the same thing, that, there really has to be more than this isn't it?

when things get tougher and more complicated, do you accept it as a part of life?

okay, well, it is lah. but honestly, God planned for greater things for us.

i'm so thankful everyday that I got to know God for myself, through the darkest times in my life, to the brightest and shiniest :) isn't it great knowing that you have Him to lean on, and through the whole roller coaster that is life, one thing remains constant, which is God.

i'd never be the person i am today without God, my church, and my friends there.

this is just to encourage myself, cause i feel so MEH now.

a steadier grip on the path of doom

ice cream on a hot day, at the camp site

i've been missing the twelveans again. and not just my gang, all my classmates, and form mates, and then school mates.

even if i didn't know most of them well, i miss just seeing them. or walking pass by them in the corridor. the 5D, 5E and 5F stretch of classes. i always loved those classes, cause we're all kinda smart, and yet, still cool :D

by saying that, i think i just made it sound not cool. whatever. haha.

joseph says that psychologists say that dreaming about the same people constantly indicates that you miss them. well how true is that. my dreams alternate between my church gang and my ex-school gang. and i think i'm the only one this pathetic.

maybe cause i can't seem to find a footing in seafield. i've got some great friends and classmates there, and the prom comm is cool too. 

sigh.

the juniors just had their graduation, and oh such good memories it brings back. :) 

back then i had no idea what i wanted to in life. and now i think i do, but i wish i knew it earlier. it would have saved a lot of heart pain. this year in conclusion has got to be the weirdest year of my life so far. and i think i'm just going to kick start my studies properly next year. 

on another note, i can't wait for camp. :)

it would be my sixth camp consecutively, and being on a committee is fun on a whole other level.

i'm upset that a lot of people can't go, i know it's always like that, where some of the uni people sure can't make it, but now, the uni people are the ones i'm close to, and camp without them? D:

it will still be great nevertheless.

change is inevitable. can someone teach me how to accept and move on? yeesh.

how i roll.

see my man feet. hahaha.

anyway, i've come here to blabber on about uptight-ness. because i don't like it.

i know i'm much to relaxed and go-with-the-flow for my own good, but i'd much rather be like this than uptight, fussy, and closed off.
right?

i know sometimes it comes down to how you were raised, and your social interactions with others. i do.

but some people really have got to learn to RELAX.

you can't control everything about your life, let alone others, and you know, if you don't get that one thing done, you won't die or the world won't end. OKAY. if you're some sort of cool fbi agent or bigshot ceo then go ahead lah, but if you're just another kid like me, take it easy once in awhile. trust that God knows what He's doing.

i know sometimes i can be abit insufferable, i seem to be late a lot, keep forgetting important things, and sometimes i have problems with authority, but i'm trying to work on it :)

i might also be a bit sloppy, childish and uninhibited. which i am also trying to improve.

but i think it's what makes me cool right? hahahaha.

at the same time though, i don't condone being easygoing all the way, all the time.
grow up. manage your responsibilities.

super don't like people who can't seem to just relax sometimes, and don't like people that don't like me for being too relaxed.

hah.

ps: i already know what i want to do. :) yay! big achievement in life. the problem is making sure it happens :)

When Football Gets Serious

you'll never see this again :(

so this is my football post on arsenal.

it's been a tough season, and it no longer brings me as much excitement as it used to, and sometimes the total opposite, in fact. :(

assuming you know me well enough, yeah, imma big arsenal and football fan. maybe now it's not so obvious, cause there's really not much to be proud of :(

haha. okay. so serious. tak payah :) 

over the seasons, football has taught me how to grow up emotionally, and accept defeats as graciously as i accept victories.

and you can only care about football, as much as you choose to.

and i don't wanna be that crazy girl that cries over football games. righhthtt?

last season was a wreck. especially after losing out in all those competitions so unglamorously.

the pre-season record this year wasn't good too. :( 

i am thankful everyday that they came to malaysia, and that i was lucky enough to go. :)

but things just go worse and worse. wow, i'm so sorry i'm writing line by line and not by paragraph. hahaha.

overall i think i'm a quite an easy going person hor? too easy going to a point of carelessness and lazyness right? i think so.

i think i snapped at the 8-2 loss against man u. how NOT to snap lah?

before that i was in a state of denial, 'they'll come back. they always do, come on, it's ARSENAL for goodness sake.' right? 

fabregas and nasri leaving, and not many people realize how many players were being released. and by that time who did we buy? another 18 year old kid. wth right!

and i think it accumulated and accumulated and bammmmmmm. 

there i am, in genting, happily enjoying myself with they all, and the weather and all. and then i hear this crappy news. from oliver at first. sigh.

at 4-2, i was just like, HUH. what. woah, okay. and then by 7-2 i think i just shut down. and then 8-2. sigh. yeah, i went into a room by myself and emo-ed :(

i wish i didn't have to act like that, but at that point a million things (football things) were going through my mind and yeah, i'm just a girl for goodness sake -_- i no need to be a macho guy right.

firstly, i was so angry at fabregas and nasri for leaving. yet i knew exactly why they left and why they should too. see, misdirected anger and conflicting thoughts. not a good start. i was upset that they said they loved this team and yet left it so easily. especially nasri. at least for fabregas you've been hearing it for awhile right. and OMG to manchester city? there's no team i despise of less than them. obviously money was a motivation then right? and i thought i couldn't hate mcity anymore than i did. yeesh. and i was upset that fabregas didn't come to malaysia and i didnt get to see him in an arsenal jersey up close for at least once in my life.

as i have previously posted, i get very attached to people and i don't really like change. and yes, this is change for the worse. i've grown to care about them for about 3 years and then they just go? yes, in a sense they were leaving ME.

i was thinking, now i have to unfollow them on twitter and unlike them on facebook, because other than the fact that they were in arsenal, i no longer have any reason to like them D: it's like breaking up with someone. and then they're doing well in their respective teams now. it hurts right?

and it makes you think what about if everyone else gets fed up and leaves too? that one day, when i grow up, and i watch the arsenal team, that none of them were the ones i first loved?

secondly, i was feeling so upset for players like wilshere, walcott, ramsey and van persie. imagine the hurt and heartache they must be going through. that they had to endure such a game like this, such a season like this in their history and portfolio. and that one day they'd leave too! D:

thirdly, i'm no football expert, but i'm pretty sure i can blame someone in the management for the way things turned out? how dare they just sit back and not fix the obvious problems this team had even before this game showed it off so spectacularly? was it wenger? is someone overruling wenger? conspiracy theories? why didn't we buy anybody? why was it so hard to buy somebody? what are they doing in their plush air conditioned offices?!

fourth, why was i being this upset after i told myself i shouldn't be this upset about football? was i such a biased fan until i could only support my team in good times and not bad times? why am i so attached to players? and why did they affect me so personally? i hate change. i hate that i couldn't stand to watch a full 90 minute match anymore. i hate that i couldn't watch reviews, replays and reactions happily anymore. i hate that i couldn't get excited to read match reports online and on the newspaper anymore. And I can’t watch weekday matches in the wee hours of the morning and still feel energetic the rest of the day. Sigh.

fifth, i was seriously considering to stop supporting football. i had been saying it a few times nonchalantly before the game, but never really believing it. until then. i thought, if arsenal continues on like this, they'd only give me pain, and i was already half trying to block them out from my mind for awhile now. so why not? but then of course i didn't want to. i mean, me without football? that's so weird. other than that, i think i'm quite boring wan lorh. haha.

imagine not being able to talk football stuff with nick or oliver or adrian wong or afiq or ryan or kyle or FAYA anymore! and then i'd have to stop playing fantasy football too! and then i'd have to unattach myself from my arsenal keychains, bags and whatever else. what am i going to do with that whole folder of arsenal pictures on my computer! i'd have to pretend i was deaf when other people or the news talked about football. and then futsal would only bring unhappy memories. and no more late night mamak sessions. remember me? not a fan of change?

and then i'd have to explain to people why i stop supporting football, and then they'd think i'm more of a freak than i already am right!

it was like, removing a part of my personality!

see how dramatic my thoughts were that night?-_- haha. yet they were very practical thoughts right? 

D: yes, i was thinking about ALL of that. right down to the very last detail. WHO WOULDN'T GET UPSET? especially someone as crazy as me!?

lol. but i'm okay now. for now.

because, that weird scramble to buy players before the transfer window closed (brings up more questions hor?) happened. so things should get better right?

mertesacker and arteta being the most satisfactory transfers. and they each took over the no.4 and no.8 respectively. and then gervinho plays quite well right? and then we still qualified for the ecl.

and most recently, 3-1 against shrewsbury, and a 3-0 win against bolton :) and all that follows after a good game. so my football world did not just die out. :)

i suppose it was a lesson in itself right? :)

also, what's different is i don't get to go to smk usj 12 on a monday morning, walk up to 5 explorer and listen to eu mun, arif, oliver, jian xiang, jian onn, hasif and kantha talk about football anymore. i miss that, and them so much :'(

and no, no guys in my class talk about football. none. bryan is vaguely aware about football, but he wouldn't understand... :S

so there you go. 

in conclusion, football and arsenal is still part of my life. :) and i will still struggle with the ups and downs of football, but that's what it's all about. 

man united fans are also useless. not you nick, not you. :)