Pick Me

Friday, December 19, 2014

My joy is boundless, My soul knows its worth

Okay, I have a lot of unpublished drafts in my archive here for this year, talking about Arsenal, the FA Cup, the gym, and all that and maybe one day I'll take the time to edit and post them, but I promise that by the time I reach the end of this post, I'll press publish instead of save and then laugh at myself.

I officially turned 21 about five days ago. yep, my big 21st. :)

and well it was mostly dampened by a heavy week of exams, and that most of my closest friends would be having fun in youth camp in PD while I slough away on my notes.

something about these finals that really made me just wanna take out my brain and flush it down the toilet bowl. maybe its the subjects, the schedule, the time of day (2pm whutttt) or just my general laziness. I really struggled to stay focused and for me, only starting to study the week before exams isn't normal, and I felt so insecure.

small panic attacks and sleepless nights for the past two weeks. idk why. sometimes I think it's when you might have depended more on yourself, and never depended on God to help you. When you're going through it completely alone, it's not like dipping your toes in the water to see if its cold, it's more like stamping through quicksand and being half buried before you know there's only so much you can do.

this may seem a bit drama to you, its just two weeks of finals. and only a 40% weightage pls dun so kiam. but it's a big deal to me lah.

as the two weeks passed and getting good and bad assignment results, that some I can say really justifies my hard work and through papers I thought I would have just stared blankly at, I'm really grateful for God's grace and mercy on me. on walking it with me. on helping me learn so many important lessons from my many mistakes.

so today as I walked out of the exam hall, I felt such joy. almost comparable to when I finished my STPM. so free! and then a few of us had dinner at kar heong and went to watch the Hobbit. and i'm just sitting there enjoying the whole two hours and 45 mins with my delicious pretzel and the company of my friends. even didn't mind being the only girl again, I just felt to privileged to be there and enjoy myself properly.

so even as most of my actual birthday was spent on studying about the importance of focus groups or something, I did feel loved and significant. Partially due to hugs and my watermelon soft toy present, but mostly out of gratitude to God for this life.

I don't usually expect extravagant things for my birthday, because I don't think that birhdays are that important. I miss out so many of my closest friends' birthdays, and gifts aren't my love language at all, and I don't like surprises. I see most people getting lots of presents, and cakes, and big parties and I think, the last time I had anything like that was maybe when I was 8, or...14. idk. I can't even remember. I expected my 21st to be something different, but I guess just it wasn't in the way I expected.

because in the end, i'm just so thankful for my friends. and family. the best company as the best gift I could ever hope to get. especially when all the OS people come back for holidays, i so lub :D

there are still more celebrations to come though, doesn't end yet.