Here I am almost gonna be thirty, not that 29 is a big difference and we don't need to dramatize everything but I'm still learning to be the master of my life and even writing that it's like nope, you're not, God is the God of my life and that is as final and true as it can ever be.
If I follow my own style of writing throughout the years, or at least remember some bits of thoughts and emotions as I'm writing - what I do know is I always worry about what others think and that I always want to make sure I don't misrepresent myself and want to clarify so many things and bring so much context to everything.
Not just so in the way as to actual human eyes reading this, but no, into all my thoughts and actions in real life I feel I am, or want to be, as self aware as I can possibly be.
Believe it or not, this year, I'm actually on a journey to being an even more confident version of myself and I HOPE it is from a good and positive place and not from being even more frustrated, cynical and nihilistic about things.
Because it makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again, and I have a deep mistrust of almost everybody and there's always a lens then gets clearer more and more unto their flaws and imperfections. I was just thinking that in my day to day thoughts and life with people, I think I'm quite open and give people the benefit of the doubt and lots of room and grace BUT funnily enough a little bit of WELL WHATEVER BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE ANYWAY and I just can't be bothered to take things too personally or get offended because maybe deep down, I don't care or love people enough that their actions SHOULD matter to me.
I hope you get my flow of thought but I maybe don't care? I look back at all the times where maybe I am the first person to back down or think nah maybe they're right and I hold my peace or try to change myself but I'm having this feeling, a reassurance, some clarity, some support, from God that maybe, there's a strength to this. Maybe, God made me this way and I will get the courage and wisdom to make my stand for things I believe in. Maybe I start taking authority in what I believe is right and as peaceful and amicable as He made me to be, there are things in my life where I need to rely even more on because it may be unpopular or all those things I dont like to be, but if it is rooted on truth, I should.
There's an ideal or expectation (that you think looks the most impressive or cool) in your life around this time. I was going to leave the post as it is but I came back to this part and thought I should list them out specifically so I can be honest with myself and hear how silly I sound.
1. I should be advanced in my career and progress so that comes with working in a more impressive or glamorous industry, company, role, with more money, more benefits, more power, more freedom
2. I should be able to connect and network and have friends who are similar or are as or more fun, interesting and impressive with cool activities in cool places
3. I should have the freedom and ability to travel or do fun things with fun people in my free time, to discover and express myself more in my hobbies, interests, music, and self care
4. I should look more put-together, professional, elegant, with my own standard for weight and condition of my hair, skin, fashion, behavior, in the things that I own
5. I should have the ability to impact people and bring value, be of importance, be relatable but also impressive, be genuine, warm
6. I should be able to be more mature and wiser in my actions, decision making, planning and be competent and organized in many or all areas of my life
Okay after i listed it out, it does sound mad. I dont think about this all the time dont worry. just sometimes. overall i am quite happy with myself laaaaaaaaa
Maybe just being more grownup and growing up with everyone around you makes you see more of how different we all are and of course it's hard to deal with that.
There is honestly a lot more to express (as usual) but it all draws back to the same conclusion. Infinite things are upon us and the more we are aware of that the better and I can take peace knowing that at least that is one step in the right direction. I cannot understand some people are so happy being themselves. (this is me showing my judgement again)
And of course, I know, I have my own infinite blind spots. For one, being married easily highlights my terrible lack of ability to communicate my feelings and a deeper level of pride within myself that I ever imagined.
I am quite afraid of the future and even more commitments because well yeah my plate feels pretty full right now, I don't know how I would have the mental capacity to take on more things.
At work I have more responsibilities and expectations than I would ever have (at least it's not stagnant?) so that's another whole story. Owning your own home and having to worry or take care of that making sure everything is clean, functioning, welcoming, maintained, it's a full time job. My personal financial management has always been a joke but even more so now its crazy. On top of that, you have another human who is your most favorite and important person with you, so you also add on all their good and bad into your life. It's like extra everything. and again, differences are inevitable but getting through it is tough. you can celebrate the wins and milestones and progress but sometimes its just overwhelming.
Imagine having kids, I literally can't even.
I will leave myself and whoever you are with this last thought. As much as there's so many things and people and yourself that you don't understand, can't accept, can't control, can't comprehend; I know God is great and He is good and He loves me and knows me more than I know myself. He can and is changing me to be more like Him and I have a great life now and in the future with Him.
goodnight also being old sucksss your body is so fragile
