Pick Me

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Reality isn't kind

Okay, this is me closing off this phase of my life.

Funny, because this is not like a decision i can make and leave everything behind. I've tried a few times already and obviously i has only backfired BUT i suppose that i can purpose myself to get off the ground that i felt like i was bolted on.

My final exams are over, and my only other significant future milestone in my formal education would be to officially graduate in october or november. Which means now i am officially not a student, and supposed to be a full-on functioning adult.

My last and final complaints about the semester. I've said it a million times to anyone willing to listen so here is the last and no more, no more complaints.

Final exams were actually pretty easy, and is much preferred to another bunch of assignments. I guess in comparison to other more academic subjects and majors, my degree in mass comm was very much assignment focused because you can't learn what you're about to face in the working world through a lecture or a textbook. it's about experience and while i know three years we had barely scratches the surface of the future, that glimpse of it already scares me.

I've always been a more studying person that an assignment person. I'm the kind the likes to sit down and read and study more than to get up and do something. it's kind of like my personality i guess lol.

So my assignments really defeated me this sem. I would say I'm not proud of the person i was under all the pressure. but it is over and i hope i did good enough.

I'm thankful for a lot of things in Taylor's. The friends of course, and just really appreciative of the kind of campus life i had. it's not perfect, but i'm done complaining.

well there was uni, and some other stuff going on, which also should have some sort of final closure to it as well. the past half of 2016 just really made me grow up a lot. it was a very tough phase of life and all i wanted was for it to end. and it did. not without it's consequences which will definitely carry on, but let's contain in, accept it, forgive, and forget.

I don't know anything else about what will happen in the future, and it's both difficult and easy to surrender everything into God's hands. I'm glad for all the things i've learned and how much i think i've grown. I know God can purpose me into anything He wants for me, in His way, and His timing.

A lot of times my biggest struggle is when other people's lives and other things get to move and change so much around me, but I have to sit, wait, be patient, and sometimes feel trapped by my own self or my circumstances around me. at the same time being unsure of the actions i'm taking because it can feel like i'm forcing things to happen which won't end well, or being so caught up in not doing anything that you miss all the right opportunities.

So this is my conclusion now, is to focus again on the basics. the foundations of all my roles and responsibilities in life. as a family member, a friend, a leader, a discipler, a servant, a Christian, an adult, as a member of my community and nation. It's simple, but think again of how much better you can be in each of those areas of your life. well those roles aren't going to include 'a student, or a girlfriend' for any indefinite period of time.

In my few months of being an empty shell of a soul i realized a lot those roles were easily disposable to me and how you can lose yourself in what you're doing.

At the end you have to think of which ones carry the most value to you. first class honors cannot define me as well as my relationships can. granted its the motions of life that you try to excel in, but remember to count the costs as well.

I just feel a healthier version of myself right now. More me. :)

Monday, July 11, 2016


Rant post srsly prepare yourself

Because i'm tired of talking about this issue with different people, and God bless them I love them for their advice, encouragement and love, but I'm physically and mentally tired of verbalising things out and hearing more things that i know but dont wanna hear anymore

I learned how to be truly honest with myself and my expectations, because well at least now I know, i'm still at about the same place i was at since i was 14. how unhealthy is that. I learned every new principle and rule and character development i thought i could, but to get this again. now. at this phase of life. like a real slap in the face.

I think it's worse when i thought me being less emotional, i can handle this but nope. no. this weight bears on me like a truck. if i knew that this kind of feeling is still a possibility within my system, i would have run away from the beginning. but sometimes you trick yourself and think that i will deal with this later. let me tell you. the pleasure is never worth the pain.

I'm more angry at circumstances than at the people involved. and rather, annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. how shallow and naive i was at the beginning, and how this sets me back again for goodness how long.

I really just have to convince myself of what I know. it's not a hopeless situation. everybody in this situation can be helped. i will take time. i for one should know that. but for now it's gonna suck and you're maybe gonna be able to see my face of hopelessness. now more than ever, I have to learn how to trust God and trust His plan for me, for everybody, and that even if nothing good ever happens again, that God can and will be enough for me.

I'm gonna have to keep my mind from wandering and keep re-aligning my expectations because the outcome, however good or bad, still will not solve all my problems in life. You pour out so much of yourself into an empty hope for no good reason. But I need to remember that there will be a better future and it will be how God wants it to be, because me, or anybody's expectations are so finite and selfish that you want something that is actually nothing.

But for now i'm just so tired and now more than ever, i really really want to not feel anything anymore.

PS This is the most perfect time in my life to be able to go to Korea. for a month. this is what i want, and i'm thankful to have it for the first time. I actually get to put aside my responsibilities and obligations and trucks or whatever and take time for myself to really figure things out.

yes, this is my quarter-life existential crisis.

okay rant over. i really need to study for literally the last finals of my uni life, and not be bothered by this trivial, but very real, issue.