Pick Me

Friday, February 1, 2013

hopes and prayers.

hello blog,
I've come here again,
To lament upon my life and all it's woes,
Where else would i go to attain,
This comfort from whatever misfortune throws.

how tragically beautiful is my soul now huh.

okay okay, i'm not that sad. but even if i was, it'll be in a never-say-die way anyway.

i'm here to document about my granma. :)

unless people ask, i don't like to bring it up. its been almost 4 years since my granpa had liver cancer and passed on, sometimes, (i think usually when my hormones are a bit off) i get really upset about it.

so it's no fun at all when earlier last year my granma was diagnosed with cervical cancer. or something like that. with the three chemo sessions, she was very weak. no proper sleep or appetite. but after awhile, she did recover, and gained some weight and strength back. :) i gave a small class presentation about in class too. right?

at that point, she really did inspire me. the side effects of chemo are absolutely brutal, and she could even smile, joke and be optimistic at that point in her life.

things were great. especially when it was around after one of my many test and exams, and she was treating the family and all that. :)

forgive me if my timeline is a bit wrong, most of my concentration being on stpm. it sounds selfish, but at the time, i really didn't know how to do both things at once.

around september or october ish she started having persistent stomach aches.
and then here the details get fuzzy on my part, because all i remember doing was studying. -_-

all i just remember is that things got bad quite fast. i remember before her birthday she was already very weak and tired, and somewhat bedridden right..? and the family wanted to bring her on a holiday, but she wasn't well enough.

and then exams.

i remember the moment i finished that last paper. i've never been happier. i literally could not stop smiling. driving back home i must've looked nuts on the road, smiling at nothing. and i even got a self congratulatory bubble tea drink from u-cha.

this is going to sound very pretentious, but i was very happy to be able to start really worrying about my granma. it's a real bittersweet feeling. trying to block out my worries for her for exam was tough. and when there was nothing else bigger i could worry about, it was very relieving to be able to concentrate on my granma.

and she was honestly the first person i wanted to see after exams.
i knew she would be in my uncle's house, because at the time she was weak, and didn't want to be in her house alone though, so i thought i couldn't.

i drove past her house and somehow, she and my uncle's family had come back to take some of her belongings.

i went in to see her, happy like anything. though, she was very tired, and not in the best mood.

it seemed as if it was timed in such a way that the moment my exam ended, it went downhill really fast.

she was diagnosed with another form of incurable cancer that even until now i can't fully understand.

she couldn't swallow food, and had to be fed with through a nose tube, and she couldn't walk, and her limbs were swelling up.

i don't want to seem like a spoilt brat, but besides all my holidays to singapore, genting and pd, december wasn't a nice month.

i never expect much for my birthday each year anyway, but i think my 19th birthday really tapaos as worst birthday ever. i'll not go into details, i AM over it. it was just a one day thing anyway. Christmas was worse. didn't feel like Christmas at all, other than church. even the family gathering was weird one, and didn't do any christmassy things AT ALL.

i'm not entirely ungrateful, there were many fabulous things that you would say could prolly compensate for it, but i'd give it all back if it were to mean my grandma was fit as a fiddle. yeah, even my pink charles and keith wallet that i love. and all the other stuff.

she was in the hospital for two weeks at first, and then came home.
and it was difficult, seeing her suffer. sore, itchy and phlegmmy.

well. we had to hire someone to take care of her. and she was very nice. but then at new year my granma had to be admitted to the hospital again.

honestly, i think it was for the better, the hospital is more equipped with staff and supplies for her. we had to hire another someone new to take care of my granma.

it was difficult to find someone willing to take care of my granma for half the day, since the rest of the family was working or not free. me, my sis and my dad even had a one day outing to check out nursing homes.

that, was one of the top ten worst days of my life.

i know the family would only resort to a nursing home as a worst case scenario, but after that day, i would have cancelled that option entirely, and i think so would my dad and my sister.

each nursing home was more depressing than the last. we went to about ten plus homes altogether. let's just generalise them. it was sad.

it's quiet, and full of old people just sitting around, in old fashioned dingy homes. even the nicest one with the air-conditioning was depressing. i know most of the people in the homes have got families with valid and probably sympathetic situations to result in them being there, but i don't know, i'd sooner find a way to climb mount everest than to give up and put my granma there.

so january was month of back and forth visits to the hospital. sometimes she got better, and sometimes she got worse.

a lot of people visit, i'm thankful for that.

recently in the last week, she's gotten a bittttt delirious, but doctors say it's a chemical imbalance. but it was really worrying i tell ya.

but in the entire month, she was usually cheery and could still joke and smile. :)

all in all, it's been tough.

tmr she'll be allowed to come home. it's been a whole month since she was in her own home. and i hope from there, her condition will only improve.

i'm sorry if this post seemed like a cry for pity on my part, but it isn't. i think.
i just needed somewhere to let it out, because i selfishly think my friends would not understand.

HAH not to say my inanimate blog or the cyber world will do any better, it's just i don't have smirk back at it when it gives me a non-satisfying response in return.

cheers to good health.