Pick Me

Thursday, August 22, 2013

blank and blue.

Can't believe that I start uni in just a few days. I've been in a blissful bubble for 8 months, but life must resume.

Took the week off. Haven't had home cooked ramen in a while.

Suddenly very badly reminded of my grandparents cooking. Can no longer request for fish curry, special fried tofu, asam pork, cheesecake, everything. Such tangible memories make it especially painful you know, like grasping for thin air. Such a cliche phrase, but how else to describe it?

I realize i'm especially emotional this week, due to it being the time of the month, so a lot of things set me off easily.

Please see how silly and dramatic my emotions like to be.

Overheard a conversation of a not related aunty having to admit her mother in the hospital, who was 76 years old. Emo.

Watching adrian's videoshoot about losing a parent. Imagined my dad and uncles. Emo.

Using leftover alcohol swabs from my grandma's stash to clean some of my jewelry. Emo.

Saw an older person in a wheelchair. Emo.

Wake up. Emo.


Okay. After this week I'll be more stable. and normal. Goodness gracious.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

just-say-no moments.


Well, i think it's funny that in the midst of my work and holidays, i managed to forget about july 11th, until the family trip to camerons few days later. this july 11th would mark 4 years since my yehyeh passed away.

just how. did we manage.

and since july 29th just passed, that means 5 months without my granma.

it's not that i mean to dwell in the loss, but it's just so hard to get it out of my thoughts. sometimes when you're not really doing much, just being idle, memories of them are the first things that pop into my head. how much more worse it gets when we pass by their empty house everyday, or see their stuff lying around the house, or in church or pictures.

sometimes we go into the house to clean it a bit, or just to get the mail and whatnot. can't imagine that some of the best memories of my childhood and the worst and strongest memories of my grandparents will no longer be just a 2 minute walk away. i mean, yeah, it's physically there, but it's not the same.

so weird that starting from next year, every chinese new year won't begin with a visit there.

and yeah, practically one quarter of my house is filled with something that used to belong to them. my grandparents were medium level junk hoarders, bless them. lots of stuff. okaylah, it's lifetime of stuff. even over all the birthdays and christmases over the years, their gifts seem to stand out even more now. my everyday handbag was a gift from my granma. HOW NOT TO NOTICE? :(

charm bracelets, nail polishes, sweaters, notebooks. just everywhere.

also, i don't know how long more before going to church without them will feel normal. not having to fetch them there, and fetch them back. their seats preoccupied by somebody else. can't go to my granma every friday night to ask for sweets.

even where i'm working now it really sucks sometimes. at sunway medical. it's so much fancier compared to UH, and less depressing. which makes me hate UH even more. and working with a pediatrician, i have to see kids with their grandparents. and i can get a bit jealous sometimes.

and the many wake services/funeral, and cancer cases that you hear about.

and still having so many dreams about them. every week i can say.

you can't help but feel like it's too much. too unfair.

then sometimes i think about people who have it worse, you know?

my grandparents were such a blessing in my life, like a bonus not everyone gets to have, and my family so lucky to have them.

but imagine people who have lost their parents at a younger age. someone you also have to depend on for your livelihood, someone you thought would be with you till you graduated and got married. and have to be reminded of it so often by just looking at the people around you. how to deal with fathers day or mothers day.

or if you lost a child, someone you've invested so much in, and placed so much hope into their future. someone who should be outliving you instead. seeing other children around.

such a feeling of loss must be so overwhelming right? makes you look around and want to slap yourself for being so caught up in shallow things.

sorry to be so depressing. after this, you can go visit a happier site. :)