Step out of the voices

You know there's sooo many paths that one can take in every single area of your life, whether planned or not, and what motivates you and gives you purpose. could be relationships or career or just trying to explore or run.

might be scary to have so many options or would it be equally scary to stay put in one place and be comfortable to be where you have been all your life and not far from the apple tree.

sometimes its a path nurtured by your family and environment, like its expected of you to pursue an education or career somewhere and do something super cool and interesting and build a life elsewhere. whether its some cool corporate job, or world-changing and community helping, or having freedom to backpack across mountains and beaches on a moped or pick apples on a farm and have no responsibilities. 

we could have all started the same place like in primary school but little did we know that almost literally everyone would be on a different trajectory and staying in Subang with your family and your safe corporate job is not on anybody's mind.

there is nothing wrong with that, or nothing right or wrong with anybody's path really whether they chose it or it just happened that way. some people could just think or dream it but end of doing something else, either pushed by positive opportunities or negative circumstances. 

so i have to keep telling myself that too, because all my life i have felt very very average. if you want to compare it with someone less fortunate than me then i should really be grateful and I AM. i really am. sometimes i can be very happy just doing the next thing, i have great friends, family, partner, a job i dont hate all the time haha and a house i get to live and be comfortable in. i can look forward to the next few milestones in my life and the lives of others around me and i guess that can sustain us, it can be the best most of us hope for. so yes i know some people can look at that and think ah, that's lucky, i wish i had that.

but we cant help to compare or think what if isnt it.

you see others around you who are achieving bigger things in life, furthering their education, doing significant or substantial or entrepreneurial things, have such tangible and practical skills and talents and making money and going places. especially when its people who started at the same place as you or even those younger than you and have so much potential. thats when you feel so plain and potato and vanilla.

then its like hey, what do i do well even. its quite painful you know this existential crisis, like you're not allowed to feel bad you do. maybe if i never knew what was out there and that the Klang Valley is my happy little bubble, sort of like i'm a small town girl. its a painful painful want to be able to drop everything and run off to travel and try out new things and have no worries..

but kind of knowing that deep down i really can't do it. whether i cant afford to (in all resources) or whether i am just not called to it and that i have other things i'm supposed to do here. or is that the easy way to think of it. like i should stop scrolling too much of social media and bury my head in the sand in JUST BE CONTENT here.

and i guess its easier when most people around you are doing about the same thing, making the best of what we have here and we're walking together.

but people can do anything they want to do and i guess thats what makes me sad, that its so unpredictable and its not like i care they do things that surpass me but it feels like im being left behind in the physical sense. i miss so many friends and family that i wish was just here. and that those that are still here will be here forever. dont go anywhere please. stay with me. i cant bear with more and more change.

i know it sounds great to go to somewhere and earn more money, have better work culture, live in country where you're not discriminated or its not being run by idiots, or are given opportunities to pursue things that simply just cant work out here.

again, as from my last post, change is a constant and we cant control others nor in any way i should feel begrudged or sad, because i can only control my own path and find my own peace and happiness and contentment and joy in what i have. i guess i can only appreciate the time i have with the ones that i love, and only be happy for wherever they find their next step in life if its near or far from me.

just one more additional layer of it is God's calling and purpose for our lives. it may be easy for us to do the selfish or self-serving thing but it might not be God's plan. but that's vague and possibly inconclusive, and we can be useful anywhere right, and God wants the best for me?

i stay here to...impact people where i can be? God might not call of us to be super cool, interesting, dynamic, competent, intelligent world changers - it should be equally (or more?) meaningful to lend yourself to others around you which are lacking in other ways, and you have your own skills and strengths to help them.

just feeling inferior or inadequate sometimes, or amazed at people's capabilities and energies to explore so many amazing things and i'm just following this straight line. 

or am i having a mismatch of expectations for myself? am i the classic millennial that has been thinking that i am entitled to so many things but cant deal with reality? if i believe i am supposed to be more in any way, but i'm just doing this plain boring thing. im just another face in the corporate world and people are easily surpassing me in ranking and salary and achievements - and i'm struggling with managing my emails and simple tasks?

ahck. growing up is sucks. sorry i have no closing encouraging words.

Too many roads

I think one of the pains of growing old and developing into an adult is just being more cynical and jaded of life as part of the learning process.

I'm so tired of adjusting my expectations on everything and everyone in life only to be constantly surprised and disappointed until the easy thing to do is the harden your heart or never take anything seriously or having 100% trust on anything.

I miss being able to take things at face value and not worry about the many other reasons, possibilities or outcomes. But time and time again we have to keep adapting and re-understanding things.

For example, people, are really serious complicated and ambiguous human beings. The easiest ones that come to mind are usually celebrities or people we look up to in any professional or leadership capacity. As great as you think someone could be, suddenly they get 'exposed' or 'cancelled' and you're trying to be like what? humans are hypocrites? nobody is perfect? we're all hiding something? no integrity? have malicious or selfish intentions?

Even if someone you might know more closely that you look up to, you think they're so cool, so collected and you could be inspired by, slowly its a nope, they actually have lots of weaknesses and not all you thought them to be whether its right in your face or something they try to hide. Or certain aspects of them are really great but those same traits could be harmful.

Or maybe them or circumstances are just unfair, like you being exposed to a certain part of them as a privilege, and they could treat someone else like dirt. 

In extension to people is just everyday life and everything that happens as a result of people's shortcomings. All other relationships, anything related to career and money and business and politics and everything. 

Even if its not something BIG, just something small like when someone says they're so sure of something, and if you really push it then they're like eh maybe not ah. 

Like I feel like i have question everything and even myself, like how sure should i be of myself. Whats the balance of being confident or having faith even without all the answers and what is being crazy.

and i feel like i'm already double checking and making sure and trying to cover all angles and being empathetic to everything, so when something surprises me it really just knocks me out.

Handsome boy? Yeah he's abusive and takes advantage of others. Pretty girl? Manipulative and uh has done plastic surgery. Inspirational leader? Abandoned their family. Advanced society? Yeah wouldnt have accomplished that without slavery. 

Mother Theresa? Actually caused more deaths and put up a front to earn money. and so many more haha

and in the end, you still have to take into account ah that what we're presented with might be wrong also. Anyone can frame anything to make it look good for them. Just think of all history and what the colonizers will be happy for you to believe for them to look good. How any of our media and politics can LIE on the front page to our faces because it benefits someone else.

So yeah, i'm kinda tired of life.

I mean, i doubt any of this is new to you. I just feel as we get older, the patterns are more prominent, more and more people in your life march to their own beat, and i'm so inclined to just be, WELL THATS LIFE. 

Of course when its someone you know more personally we have to journey with them the same way you hope people continue to forgive and teach you and love you despite yourself. 

Thats why being married to someone is also so scary; complete acceptance of someone else with all their flaws, while exposing yourself to them and both being accountable to each other. You both won't be perfect and you have to keep learning how to love and accept all parts of them.

Like how grow up and learn our parents are not superheroes, and they have their baggage also and they are doing their best despite that.

It's like imagine you want to be completely pissed at crazy people like Hitler or Trump but you dig deep and realize its the society they were raised in that also failed us and everyone is a product of something.

Its like to create a proper human being you have to like have the formula of like completely loving family and parents, raised with enough freedom but discipline and creativity and financially able to be given opportunities, and socially capable to build relationships, to be skilled and capable to have a career and growing in maturity to hold your own and build your own family. How many people really even have this???

It's great if you're more optimistic to be able to look at things on the bright side. I feel i can do that to, to give people the benefit of the doubt and control what I can control, but are other people even doing that for me? i surely hope so, but its not about me. Its just hard to have rest and peace in all things people do or say or are.

Is it just post modernistic or liberalist views that seem completely limitless? Everything and everyone is completely fluid. Everything has a reason and justification and everyone has their own feelings and experiences and opinions, we can't place any judgement on anything. So many social problems like hate crimes, racism, and corruption, why are people literally so difficult ah and to them ah, in their mind, its completely justified. 

Is it we are on the journey then to find something definite, absolute and 100% guaranteed? Or will you feel limited and suffocated.

This is why we can't align ourselves or base our identity on relating and understanding things. Even people you love the most.

Time and time again, I am reminded God is constant. Here on earth we might be hardwired to distrust everything because we are so used to it, but can you have the faith that God truly loves and is 100% true to His word and promises, and not selfish.

Just sharing with you all that i feel overwhelmed and hopeless like most of the time, and God keeps me grounded. I am loved and have a purpose and am certain of my future and eternity. If anything, the depravity of human behavior should point us even more to God.

Ok i feel like 10% better after writing this.

Its really messy but i believe i made my point haha

Anyway, idk who reads this or what but if we can talk more about this whole topic that would be nice too because my brain is tired of keeping it in

Back in the atmosphere

 Life is slowly improving, really slowly but it is not zero and it is not negative

Again, work is sucks etc etc

But today, i just want to post how much i miss my friends again. and holidays or simple airbnbs and really hanging out with them makes me feel like im in a pocket dimension, you know where the worries of the world cant touch me for awhile and i just have the fun

I cant recall if i ranted about this before but really its quite sad living the final years of my single life trapped at home for MCO

Its not like being married means i cant do everything, but things change. I feel i've always been a very independent person, and commitment or obligation to anything or anyone is tough. So maybe the past few years we can happily appreciate a low maintenance relationship. 

But i'm engaged, and gonna get married and literally it means two become one. i know post modernist thinking tells us we maintain our individualities and in a way we are two humans but it means so much more than that. I'm no longer accountable to just myself alone

When i was younger like of course i like boys like a normal teen/young adult but the moment there were more expectations or commitments required i would feel so burdened or bothered

Of course i've travelled miles in maturity to be where i am now, of course with the help of a great fiancee, who in certain ways also does benefit from a low maintenance relationship right

i think most people should generally keep some boundaries right but wow marriage is bigg

like its all out there, i cant hide or just think about myself

anyway thats another conversation

my point is can i be with my friends forever can we stay in time when we were younger and more carefree

now we be worrying too much about work and money and responsibilities, we dont have the same amount of time for each other any more :(

I guess this has always been tough about life, when people's life directions change you know, its hard to adjust.

i should also be glad that we do have a group of friends that might always be nearby and journey together with us

so it would be great if covid goes away so we can spend our precious youth together pls huhuhu

Run run runaway runaway babi

 Is it time stopped or what, we're in an endless cycle of disappointment and more disappointment. i doubt there's any hope or anticipation, just a sense of waiting it out. 

and of course the tons and tons of bad news daily on every single platform 

i'm here because i wanted to tweet about how hungry i am but everyone was posting serious stuff all the time i feel like i cant post nonsense anymore

i mean its not i care less about other things or i think people will just think that because of my dumb tweets, and twitter is my safe space of all places, but i guess it really just isnt the time and place

i just, dont want to tweet even more about everything, other than when im ranting

in the end, my circle of influence is private and so small, and i guess everyone in my circle is already woke anyway, what more can i add to impact anyone here

but of course no judge for people who want to complain about it, there's only so much we can hold in during this time

tired of the numbers and stories and looking for any sign of hope in improvement from the vaccinations, hope that the government does something competent for once, hoping and praying everyday my friends and family are safe, trying not to let the sense of doom about our future, the country overwhelm

and legit we're just going through the motions day by day, what are we even looking forward to, i'm sure if i had the choice i would take the option to fast forward auto play the next month at least 

am i even progressing as a human, just feel like i'm maintaining or containing problems, but what is actually going well ah really

ok legit after typing that i was compelled to try and write out some small achievements lel

it took me long to think

1. some slight improvements in fitness? slightly more regular in running and home workouts SLIGHTLY like i can feel the strength and stamina improve, but eating habits still not great because food helps me cope but yeaaaa legit i was gaining weight throughout and then i have this weird mild but persistent knee injury? but hyeah i have big goals to lose like maybe 5kgs in 6 months? 1 year? who knows whats really achievable here im just waiting till i can have badminton in my life again

2. i play a liiil bit more guitar like i've added a few more chords to my repertoire and less awkward with my transitions its still real bad overall haha but its a nice outlet for playing and singing a bit and idk its a skill right, im quite motivated to keep upping my effort on this

3. i cut my hair, i cut ye shengs hair, i learn from youtube, i got improve

4. how about at work? hmm some change in portfolio and more tasks and responsibilities, i am cry everyday but overall it could be worse is that the healthy way to look at it? sometimes we're all just a lil weak and dramatic i just need some things to be a lil bit more normal and MCO makes things harder huhu

5. we've been talking to contractors about the house renovations, its a real learning process about...renovations and architecture and interior design, which i love i do just sometimes its a bummer about how much things cost. but at least there's movement in this? nothings determined or committed yet, and sometimes the uncertainties or things that are really out of our league of understanding is frustrating, and communication wise its not always smooth - but hey now's the best time to do it right so yea 

6. did i achieve anything else? ermmmm i think i improved my pumpkin gnocchi recipe after the billionth time - so i just freeze the dough and use it when i need to. 

a fun thing i like to think about to help myself is when i have my own house is finally controlling my own kitchen and fridge, cos right now there's no space for me to put anything anywhere 

ice cream, frozen gnocchi dough, frozen cookie dough - erm yea that's the extent of it for now haha

okay i feel like maybe 1% better 

take care everyone :(

Happy and healthy, not me

 i cant recall if i ever blogged about Olivia Rodrigo before and why is it even on my mind and worth talking about

i shouldnt be ashamed to say that her music is so...relatable. especially if i was my 15 year old self and trying to cope with my seemingly difficult problems and love life. its not mind blowing musical genius, yet it is. and its great that she has found success with that. she managed to put in words and music those terrible growing pains that my 28 year old self looks back and be like wow, so glad i dont have to go through that anymore. honestly, no one should really date til after 18 or even 21. before that you just need to grow and mature a lot as a person otherwise all those small dumb things guys do (that they literally dont even think about or care what it does to you) will seem so important. but now we know its not, and you can't blame them, they're growing up too!

ok i'm done with this, i'm a literal grown woman now. Olivia herself has said she's moved on from that album and has grown from that. good job for her.

but i'm really here today to complain about my period. yeah this seems to be a puberty centered post.

you know my whole life i was always wondering what wrong with me sometimes. not in an existential dramatic way, but i just wonder if or why my body just doesnt work properly sometimes. its not serious enough in a way where you worry about it or do something about it and it drives me crazy cos i keep thinking i'm imagining it, or worse, blaming it on myself when i cant even control it. but you know its there, it affects me. so, not serious enough that it can be properly addressed, but not small enough that you can ignore it.

being suddenly more susceptible to colds and flus?

having low energy or being realllllyy sleepy or tired sometimes.

having random aches and pains.

weird things with my bladder and digestive system.

being emotional, irritable, easily annoyed, very sad etc

so these episodes happen often enough that you notice it and feel like its a regular part of life d, and when it happens it makes me feel quite defeated sometimes because yeah i cant control it, and yet i wonder if im like not getting enough sleep, water, rest, am i breathing in asbestos or something like WHATS UP MAN

and you look at people around you who are always so normal or motivated and high energy and i feel like is my body making excuses or what

but like i said, its sometimes, so some days i feel great, normal, like 100% ready to go and i honestly can differentiate it (now)

as i grow up and try to understand my period and PMS and all symptoms related, i realize i can attribute some things to it, the much more obvious ones like pimples, diarrhea, killer cramps, cravings and hunger. which i'm sure i have complained about enough. my skin is sucks, and i have a stash of panadol or even stronger pain killers with me when i need it. and the up and down cravings and appetite issues.

progressively i noticed a pattern in my moods; like i can't be hating everyone and everything all the time! sometimes its more subtle like feeling more hopeless and even weepy about anything big or small in my life and then the existential crisis - then one day you wake up and be like, nah. i'm good.

it drives me crazy cos like am i supposed to ignore these or address these like what. because when the moods hit low it hits reallly low like i cant be bothered about anything, dont want to talk to anyone etc

then as i get even older i can start realizing a pattern of other things mainly the sudden dip of my immune system. it was a revelation when i started being able to pin point that there would be one or two days in a month (regularly!) where my nose would go running out of nowhere, and if i made it worse somehow (like stressed out or didnt get enough rest or irritated it further) then it would be a full blown cold/flu for a few days. and if i managed it properly, it would be gone literally the next day. i dont get this symptom that badly nowadays, but when i do i get on top of it real quick and i dont let it escalate. but when i'm stressed then it just snowballs.

how annoying is that?!

so one of the things i gained from the MCO and having a bare bones routine for more than a year is that i can conclusively blame my period cycle for a whole slew of the other symptoms. and not even the week before, during and after my period, because ovulation also creates some of these. so can you imagine how little 'normal' days i get in a month

i really try to be objective here and not make excuses or have a victim mindset, or even a self-manifestation type of thing. i almost can predict my full calendar of issues already.

random aches and pains just show up - like i used to think like did i eat something wrong? did i suddenly injure myself and forgot about it? did i not drink enough water - NO ITS MY PERIOD

fatigue and tiredness - there are some days when i just literally am OUT and can sleep for 72 hours and still be tired and i hated these days cos i thought something was wrong with me and i was just a lazy bum. but after getting my vaccination and feeling THAT fatigue, i realized wait if that is a medically induced level of fatigue, i actually experience that every month! i'm not crazy! its bad when it actually affected my education and even work productivity levels.

my most recent observation is how my bladder is affected. this one doesnt bother me as much, but also cos i never realized it was a pattern until now. bladder incontinence is a symptom can you believe it. so some days i will drink a literal SIP of water and have to pee x100000 and some days i drink 2 litres of water and nothing (or just normal) 

anyway the overarching theme here is that there is a pattern, and these things happen like clockwork. and i'm so pissed right now because of my stupid headache that came for no reason (but we now know the reason). last time i would even think, is it the weather is too hot or too cold that i'm like this. but no.

sometimes im very busy or occupied and my period cycle shifts a bit and i'm like having a crazy backache for a week thinking i pulled a muscle while jogging? or i slept weirdly? then BAM PERIOD and the backache is gone (probably replaced by killer cramps) and i'm like OHHH 

so yeah my whole life of always trying to figure out whats wrong with me, i finally have some answers. 

i guess the next thing is figuring out what can be done about it somehow.

i dont think theres a cure? 

i try to work around it like plan big events or things around the worse timings, or try to recognize the symptoms and accept it but not fully succumb to it (unless it real bad) but you cant ask the world to fit around your menstrual cycle la so there are days where you really just have to soldier on and pop more pills or something

i mean in a way, recognizing it helps me to be a lot kinder to myself and not constantly worry what i did wrong, but i'm sure maintaining a healthy lifestyle could help it overall but yeah i dont think i have any bad crazy habits anyway

ok headache be getting worse now and im hungry but no appetite, my knee is in pain 

dont even get me stared on my pimples ugh

thanks for listening, please pity me i appreciate it

Losing games

Feeling very overwhelmed rn and honestly this is the best platform to pour it out haha

Here is where i can get honest about football and not feel judged

Because i have come to realize my emotional connection with football is something i constantly underestimate 

Recently i havent been catching up with football. obviously covid has changed the football atmosphere and there are many disruptions, and another factor would be that we dont subscribe to the sports package on astro anymore lol but most importantly is that Arsenal hasnt been playing that great 

There's improvement here and there but the overall sense of disappoint is still lingering and i have mentioned before that i need to consciously distance myself until things get better. hope feels like a poison to me

You could say i'm being an unloyal fan or a sore loser, and i wont disagree with you. i mean, this has got to be one of the worst seasons i've experienced and its funny because the many tough years should have also toughened me and my expectations

I miss enjoying football though, i still can every once in awhile, and the Euros are coming up again so maybe that will kickstart things

But anyway, i'm here today because i finally had the nerve to listen to an Arseblog Arsecast interview with the Cesc Fabregas and that 1 hour was a crazy experience listening to his firsthand experience of everything, and i can feel myself go back in time to the crazy moments of football, all the joys and pains included, because i started getting into football about the time he joined the club and invested so much in to it and him leaving was PAIN absolute PAIN and listening to him and just pondering about how things could have gone so differently

and it was so relatable its so annoying haha

like if you didnt know about everything you could always just have some level of ignorance and be like its okay, we laypeople will never understand everything and can accept that

but NOoOO now you hear about it and be frustrated and feel his frustration and totally understand him

he mentioned how invested he was in the club and how painful it was for him to not win more trophies as a captain, and he was so young and there was so much pressure

and how Xabi Alonso could have joined!

and how things like all the injuries especially RVP's injury could have the difference between winning a season and not winning

and how he could honestly have joined Arsenal back again 

and so many things

and so nostalgic for me overall, reliving these football days of mine

and how that part of me feels like something i left behind so long ago

like just two or three years ago i would drop everything in a heartbeat to go to Singapore to watch Arsenal play, and like i dont have the luxury to do that anymore at all?

also cause this week i've been emotional and nostalgic in general, brought on by another extension of lockdown, and looking back into my old insta stories and fun times i've had 

really frustrated with covid overall 

missing out on so many things, like, this is the time of our lives before more commitments and im tired of thinking already. i've blogged about this already but i'm sure many of us feel these frustrations so often these days

like i said, hope is a poison

you keep thinking there's something to look forward to like vaccinations, but then this gov is so slow and incompetent and they honestly dont even care or arent even affected -_-

like to me, politics is politics la, there will always be corruption and greed and dishonesty - but whats happening now is really pure incompetence wan

its not any different from being in the working world, where there is incompetence in almost every level and its just a lack of common sense and critical thinking and bad decision making and we cant change that?? we just have to accept it and there are tons of smarter and more deserving people out there and tbh idk but you guys but i feel helpless, that is another pandemic of its own, the pandemic of stupidity

so to leave on a good note, i have to remind myself that there are things worth looking forward to 

right

Next Level

Eeet eez mid May already, half the year has almost passed and it still feels like Q1 somehow. Where did the time go, has it just been a waiting game of checking numbers and vaccine news only for it to end up here, 6k cases today, with 2k+ alone in Selangor.

So we have only regressed.

I'm also tired of thinking and worrying about it, its a constant cycle of worrying things will never be the same and missing out on so many things. to think that maybe 2 years in limbo is a possibility... wow

SO i'm here again to just vent my frustrations.

again sien i have to do the usual disclaimers that i understand covid affects to many people at much more significant and substantial levels, that my complaints here will undoubtedly sound very shallow BUT they are valid to me and i'm not trying to undermine those concerns

these are just the thoughts swimming in my head because yea humans are selfish ah and here are all the things i feel like im sad to missing out on

and i'm just sad for everyone missing out in the respective times of their lives

imagine missing out kindergarten or primary school, the formative years that help build your education, people skills, understanding of the world! but only being able to do that from your own house, with your own family, and trying to learn through a screen

imagine missing out high school, the formative years to help build your self-identity, life-long friendships, navigating teenage life, having fun, especially those in their final years

same goes for uni, though i'm slightly less attached to uni haha 

imagine starting your working life barely having met any of your own colleagues in person, with no other activities or events to break your daily routine, and only having to hear 'oh but because of mco, ....'

so let me share all the things i'm sadly missing out on

1. I miss my friends the most, and all the fun times i'm supposed to be having! my gathering and parties and holidays, and now i'd just happily take lunches and dinners and car rides but NO i get barely anything

ok there are some and i hold those very dear to me, that's all i've had but i cant help longing for those that i wished could have happened

2. I miss all the big social events, family gatherings, extended family gatherings, soo many weddings and fancy corporate dinners. the happy thought of squishing 10 people in one table! sharing food! nice food too

3. I miss my office gym, and being able to workout at such convenience. i hate having to think about working out at home, or looking at this rainy weather. i've had some badminton on and off but it would have also been nice to have it regularly again

4. I miss travelling, i miss being on a plane, feeling lost, preparing for trips and packing? We had one awesome KL airbnb 3 days 2 nights somewhere in the middle when the cases were slightly lower, and it was amazing. need more

5. can't wait to attend a concert after this. tbh i dont really miss cinemas

after this my list will be work related.

6. i miss my colleagues, the camaraderie and teamwork, having everyone around and easily discussing something by just standing up and shouting it out, or heck even airing it out in a physical meeting. i miss sharing food with everyone and swapping work stories 

7. i miss office events and i hate how it spoils the experience for my kids, i'm lazy to elaborate further about my job but i'm just sad that they only get this measly virtual experience. 

8. i'm just sad that this does affect my work, and its something completely out of my control. their two years experience is just going to end with crumbs and i think they would have felt like its a waste of time too.

9. my work revolves so much around people and engagement and i wish there was so much more i could do but i can only keep a distance or plan these stupid virtual things that feel useless 

soooooo let's end on some positive notes

1. i save a lot of money no doubt

2. glad that WFH will be an option in the future forever i hope, just not everyday

3. is there any other good thing happening, i'm lost

phew ok so that's all i can release for now

just hope things will get better, can't keep my life on hold forever 

Side effects

So let's talk about some good things that happened in 2020, a year where a lot of crazy stuff happened, but also can't ignore or be ungrateful for the stuff that did, and even be more grateful that those things happened despite it in fact:

1. We got a house!

A first time posting something public like this in regards to my relationship life I think, cos we dont really post anything on any social media, and I think only those that know us personally currently know what's happening with us. Anyway, this is a major adult step in life! Like, normally i never have any life changing news and my life feels boring and uneventful (in a good way?) so this is a big and very blessed thing to have had the opportunity to motivate me through the year. It certainly helps to calm any major anxiety about the future and stuff, we know we are lucky and we are excited about whatever happens next. This also means more financial commitments and responsibilities but like i said, adulting has to start one day. It felt very long yet very quick at the same time. I think we dont really know the full extent of the commitments and responsibilities until we're really waist deep in it so for now, is just the calm before the storm and ignorance is bliss.

2. Promotion

I got a surprise promotion in Oct which is probably one of the first major highlights or milestones in my career life. I've been in this company for about 3.5 years, and only 1.5 of it at my current role and i've mentioned many times before that its a constant roller coaster of feeling like heck i dont get paid enough for this as much as wow i cant believe they're paying me for this.

I only half-expected this promotion in the mid 2021 cycle, and even then i thought that was optimistic. but i think the stars did align on this one, being a great boss and great managers around me, and trying to accept solid recognition for my hard work and positive fruits. Its natural to sometimes focus only on points of improvement and flaws but i cant say i dont feel validated, encouraged and motivated from this.

Ngl its tough when comparing your career to peers and colleagues, because its surely not parallel, everyone goes through different things and does different things. And ive surely doubted myself in my role, my path, my competencies, my values etc as part of working life. Not saying this promotion validates everything but at least it helps me feel like im going in the right direction, or maybe more accurately not going too far in the wrong direction hahah

It does come with more responsibilities and expectations of course, nothing in life is free. But its good to stretch and be uncomfortable as part of growth. 

And of course it does come with a good increment, which i am beyond thankful for. To get all these in a pandemic ridden year with many people, companies and industries being more unfortunate, i still cant believe the circumstances.

Work life isnt perfect of course, there are imperfect things and imperfect people all around. I'm also undertaking some trainings and certifications which bonds me to my role until late 2022 so welp i'm here forever cant think about going elsewhere first, gotta learn what i can and appreciate the great things among the bad things

3. Lasik

One of the best decisions ever, and one i would recommend to the whole world if they had a spare RM7k lying around (huhuhuhu)

I never thought i'd ever get lasik because of well the cost, the risks and well its just such a drastic thing - like, i'm the most moderate conservative ever - right? But idk, i started thinking about in 2019 (before anything about covid, which oddly, if my surgery was scheduled just a month later, i might never have gotten it at all). Firstly, contact lenses were deeply uncomfortable for me, and i even got a bad eye infection from it the previous year. Like even trying out dailies over monthlies were no different, i'd easily have dryness and discomfort and tiredness from even a mere 1 hour. I only started wearing contacts when i was 21.

The alternative was to just stay with using glasses. Which was how i accepted myself for 27 years of my life anyway, so i think i can comfortably say the motivation is not purely for cosmetic self-affirmation.

Or was it? Isnt that the whole point of why myself and most people switched to contacts anyway instead of glasses? Can we be upfront and say, "i think i look better without glasses" - whose definition of beauty am i conforming to even?! is my self esteem so fragile??

Hmm. Let's be comfortable with that - and can accept that we can be quite shallow, even subconsciously. It's not a sin to want to look better in your own eyes and others, especially if its something you can easily control and not drastically altering (huhu plastic surgery), or 'unaccepting' of how God made you. Yes it does make me feel more secure, and i also wanted that at work and other areas of my life. I think it does give me a different vibe.

Sorry this whole part seems to be tying in the issue of self perception haha

I've always felt like the nerdy girl with glasses - please dont take offence at that. I've literally spent years of my schooling life battling self-esteem as most girls do to reach a point where I still like myself and how i looked and how it affected all my relationships with my community. It also affected my confidence in sports or anything related to something knocking off my glasses.

When i first got contacts as my gift to myself turning 21, a lot of things did change for me internally, i can say i like how i look without glasses and it was so great feeling more 'part of society' during sports or at theme parks or at fancy events (YOU TRY WEARING EYE SHADOW UNDER GLASSES) and i think it helped me feel ok for life at Taylor's hahahah (sorry shallow reference there) and the start of my career.

But as work and work life gets more tiring, its harder to upkeep the contact lens life, and i need to be best at work - not feeling tired at 10am in the morning because of dry eyes. SO as part of 2020 to also motivate myself to look as professional as I can at office to leave the best impression I can, i committed to taking lasik. I did my research and asked so many people about it, seesawing between the risks, but in the end i'm glad i did it. I did have doubts for so long, like thinking man RM7k, i could do a lot with that - i could fund TWO round trips to Korea with that hahah

I could write another whole long post about my experience during, but not now - just know that it's almost one whole year recovering from the surgery and life, is as good as it can be. The freedom and comfort, playing sports, attending events, going on holidays and all was amazing (for a short while until MCO) - no regrets forever. I'm also enjoying wearing sunglasses hahah yes i am shallooowwww

In a way, its also funny because i also did have a full one week MC after my surgery and about 1 month of adjusting back to work right before the MCO hit also made me feel so undeserving of my promotion haha because i was legit blind for awhile. and also perhaps the lack of activities caused by MCO at the early stages may have helped in the healing process too

That being said i also wished life was back to normal so i can enjoy my eyes more

4. I got bangs huhu

I let myself get a bangs as my yolo haircut for 2020/2021 - its a long term commitment. I also back and forth - ed on this for many years, and many months in particular for 2020 and after a series of events, i heckin did it.

I've always had long boring hair, my riskiest move would usually be to cut it like maybe an inch before shoulder length and call it a day. I mean, i do/did like that style firstly, because to me it looks cool and low maintenance and secondly, because IT IS low maintenance. Like sweep it up, tie it up, wont bother you for anything, doesnt make odd shapes, and easily matches my style/look aka just acceptable messy.

At most my second other big decision was dying it blackkkkk instead of previous few years of brown which is meh to me now. lol anyway dying hair is also way too much maintenance, and cost.

SO. Bangs look nice on some people, and i always thought well that didnt include me. But you'd just obsess and notice it more and more on others and be like, WHY NOT TRY. i wont die. hair grows back. and seriously, after the first MCO and all the haircut prices were almost doubled, i was thinking wow i aint gonna pay RM50 or more for just a trim, no way.

SO I DID IT. from then till now i still feel regret like maybe 60% of the time. I have a hate hate okay dont mind relationship with it. SO it is the opposite of low maintenance -_- it bothers my face and eyes and i cant simply sweep it away otherwise it ends up in odd positions, or also if i sleep weird. and if i dont wash my hair regularly its 1000 times more obvious. and i have to pin it for sports and stuff. 

It also somehow refuses to look like Suzy, Lisa, Zooey Deschanel, Dakota Johnson, and just about every other reference i see online, or even in real life, i'd just look enviously upon other random girls with nice bangs.

But oh well, as i said, i have nothing much to lose. sometimes i think it looks nice, and even if its not the nicest look, its alright, i have no major events to attend anyway huhuhuhuhu

But, risks are risks and i have to reward meself for not chickening.

I also, will start investing in the skill of cutting my own hair because leaving my fate to the hairdresser again is a problem in life i dont want to deal with.

5. Holidays and Breaks

I did not get to go to Korea. and i did not get to go to Sibu or wherever my gang would have decided on eventually. no annual trip, only one? airbnb party? 

However, in the midst of it all, it makes me more thankful for the smaller holidays in between. Me and Sheng did manage to go for daytrip to Penang, and our gang managed to even go to Redang in Sept when the cases were going down (HUHUHUHU) and i even went snorkelling! i am terrified of water and i'm amazed i didnt pass out in the open ocean but i did it (with lots of emotional and physical support) 

And here is also especially where lasik felt the most worth it - like for sure i couldnt last out there with contact lenses and wouldnt be able to see a thing without it (yes they have the powered goggles also la though) but yeah i really appreciate the freedom

Overall, i think i posted previously, that its good to have a break from the cycle of life and having more opportunities to work from home and have some extra time on my hands and not feel like a zombie all the time. 

5. Interests and Hobbies

- genuine improvement in badminton

- genuine improvement and understanding of skincare

- very strong renewed interest in interior design because of my future house renovation. I'm almost obsessed, like, is this the start of a new potential career? hheheheheheh I've always liked interior design since young, and i gobble up any home improvement content, up to the point now i feel like i've almost got a formal education on it.

- i must also be sheepishly appreciative of new forms of entertainment in my life, where the gaping hole of football has left in my heart (me and arsenal are on a break for my mental health) being Stray Kids, NCT and Offline TV hahaha why is this even a notable point? i am sincerely grateful to be entertained haha stay tuned for future post on how i must overcome social media addiction i'm serious 

6. I cant think of other things for now, and actually the more i think about it, i usually feel more sad than happy about the things we missed out DUH

ok bye

One of a kind

Soo we're here at MCO 2.0 again in 2021 and welp did we just feel like we lost a year or hWaTttt

I'm just gonna say my piece about Covid 19 and vaccines and conspiracy theories haha because i love conspiracy theories because i like to think of all the possibilities out there and how much we dont know what we dont know, so as much as some of it might come as a crazy as people who not only believe the earth is flat but are also passionate in defending it, i think we cannot be so basic as to believe that there might be zero evil sinister agenda ongoing?

i've done some kindergarten level research on this so of course i am expert - not only did i not google any of this but just happen to stumble upon links hahah 

So, the craziest theory out there being that the pandemic was pre-planned as biological warfare as a tool for Big Brother to create a conformist society and something out of a Bond movie where they're trying to create war to profit from it like via vaccines, and one day create the case for the need for biometric tracking and whatnot. Some go to as far as saying the vaccines can alter DNA and make us easier to control, or be something like a kill switch where they can commit mass genocide 

To me, these go hand-in-hand with any other crazy big brother theories out there like my other favorite conspiracy theory of the Illuminati and the entertainment industry i.e. mysterious deaths and what not

Its crazy, but i dont think its impossible. 

Am i writing signs and protesting out there physically or virtually? you bet not.

Am i gonna stop supporting mass media, capitalism and governments? you bet not.

Am i going to refuse taking the vaccine? you bet not.

Soooo let's say its all true and the world will head into a George Orwell 1984 state and the laypeople who take the vaccine are now mind-controlled by the government which didnt take the vaccine or took the real vaccine, and those refusing to take the vaccine will be shunned by society and not allowed access to basic rights etc.

Would i blame myself or my community for our ignorance? YOU BET NOT.

I have peace of mind. In the end, these are man made schemes, and i believe in God, who is a higher being and is not only above it all, but i have faith that He will find ways to use their evil plan for His greater good. That being said, we should all be on our guard and ask God for wisdom on not just what to do, but how to do it, for the sake of others and eternity.

I guess its tough being in the Christian community, to say the truth no matter how much it contradicts with what is out there. I feel like i can't even say anything about abortion, homosexuality, trump, etc and even writing this line is difficult (not really now because nobody reads this) 

Deep down, i do wish life would get back to its normal cycle you know, i want to get married and grow old, go for more parties, concerts, holidays with friends and family but if the new normal is none of these then its time we get less attached to the things of the world. When, though, is the question

Ok i feel these are several points that sound unrelated but what to do my brain is like this