You know there's sooo many paths that one can take in every single area of your life, whether planned or not, and what motivates you and gives you purpose. could be relationships or career or just trying to explore or run.
might be scary to have so many options or would it be equally scary to stay put in one place and be comfortable to be where you have been all your life and not far from the apple tree.
sometimes its a path nurtured by your family and environment, like its expected of you to pursue an education or career somewhere and do something super cool and interesting and build a life elsewhere. whether its some cool corporate job, or world-changing and community helping, or having freedom to backpack across mountains and beaches on a moped or pick apples on a farm and have no responsibilities.
we could have all started the same place like in primary school but little did we know that almost literally everyone would be on a different trajectory and staying in Subang with your family and your safe corporate job is not on anybody's mind.
there is nothing wrong with that, or nothing right or wrong with anybody's path really whether they chose it or it just happened that way. some people could just think or dream it but end of doing something else, either pushed by positive opportunities or negative circumstances.
so i have to keep telling myself that too, because all my life i have felt very very average. if you want to compare it with someone less fortunate than me then i should really be grateful and I AM. i really am. sometimes i can be very happy just doing the next thing, i have great friends, family, partner, a job i dont hate all the time haha and a house i get to live and be comfortable in. i can look forward to the next few milestones in my life and the lives of others around me and i guess that can sustain us, it can be the best most of us hope for. so yes i know some people can look at that and think ah, that's lucky, i wish i had that.
but we cant help to compare or think what if isnt it.
you see others around you who are achieving bigger things in life, furthering their education, doing significant or substantial or entrepreneurial things, have such tangible and practical skills and talents and making money and going places. especially when its people who started at the same place as you or even those younger than you and have so much potential. thats when you feel so plain and potato and vanilla.
then its like hey, what do i do well even. its quite painful you know this existential crisis, like you're not allowed to feel bad you do. maybe if i never knew what was out there and that the Klang Valley is my happy little bubble, sort of like i'm a small town girl. its a painful painful want to be able to drop everything and run off to travel and try out new things and have no worries..
but kind of knowing that deep down i really can't do it. whether i cant afford to (in all resources) or whether i am just not called to it and that i have other things i'm supposed to do here. or is that the easy way to think of it. like i should stop scrolling too much of social media and bury my head in the sand in JUST BE CONTENT here.
and i guess its easier when most people around you are doing about the same thing, making the best of what we have here and we're walking together.
but people can do anything they want to do and i guess thats what makes me sad, that its so unpredictable and its not like i care they do things that surpass me but it feels like im being left behind in the physical sense. i miss so many friends and family that i wish was just here. and that those that are still here will be here forever. dont go anywhere please. stay with me. i cant bear with more and more change.
i know it sounds great to go to somewhere and earn more money, have better work culture, live in country where you're not discriminated or its not being run by idiots, or are given opportunities to pursue things that simply just cant work out here.
again, as from my last post, change is a constant and we cant control others nor in any way i should feel begrudged or sad, because i can only control my own path and find my own peace and happiness and contentment and joy in what i have. i guess i can only appreciate the time i have with the ones that i love, and only be happy for wherever they find their next step in life if its near or far from me.
just one more additional layer of it is God's calling and purpose for our lives. it may be easy for us to do the selfish or self-serving thing but it might not be God's plan. but that's vague and possibly inconclusive, and we can be useful anywhere right, and God wants the best for me?
i stay here to...impact people where i can be? God might not call of us to be super cool, interesting, dynamic, competent, intelligent world changers - it should be equally (or more?) meaningful to lend yourself to others around you which are lacking in other ways, and you have your own skills and strengths to help them.
just feeling inferior or inadequate sometimes, or amazed at people's capabilities and energies to explore so many amazing things and i'm just following this straight line.
or am i having a mismatch of expectations for myself? am i the classic millennial that has been thinking that i am entitled to so many things but cant deal with reality? if i believe i am supposed to be more in any way, but i'm just doing this plain boring thing. im just another face in the corporate world and people are easily surpassing me in ranking and salary and achievements - and i'm struggling with managing my emails and simple tasks?
ahck. growing up is sucks. sorry i have no closing encouraging words.
