Pick Me

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


What a year.
Being new year's eve, let's get a bit sentimental and reminiscent.

As i think I've posted mostly throughout the year, i don't needa repeat most of it lah. Just major events then?

Beginning of the year was mostly just enjoying my freedom and post-stpm life. Woah, thinking about it now, it feels SO long ago.

A lot of late nights and late mornings, just like now. hahahah.

I had my telemarketing job at empire with jess for like a month or so? The thing i remember most was that it was stressful. and NOT FUN. but i earned money, and i had a blissful week-long trial at the fitness first platinum gym there which i'm obsessed about. If i were ever rich enough, that would be my gym of choice. lol.

and a lot of hospital visits. every weekend, tuesday and thursday night to see my mama. and my last chinese new year with her. I think it was better than expected anyway. and then her passing. :(

then literally the few days after that, would be my 3 month long stint at SOM. which changed my life and perspective of Christianity forever. and all those wonderful people.

and it was busy man.

then after that were my bunches of holidays again, where..? kampar, genting..? langkawi? :) seriously, it feels like so long ago! :O

more late nights. hahah.

personal record would be coming home at 6am. I wonder if i dare try it again soon.

then i think i started work at sunway medical? till about one week before uni started.
money! :D haha. and kids.

then my life at Taylor's began. and i've already said all i wanted to say about it.

planning the talents event. stress my brains out.

my 20th birthday, which was okay.
Then Youth Camp, exam, and now. :)

I also remember spending a lot of sunday's at the koo's house. like week after week. and spent almost my entire Christmas there too. hahah.

and we just had our last Christmas dinner, and watched the Hobbit last night. and since nothing cool will happen today, I guess that's it!

Like I said, what a year.

1. I'm still single. Sometimes I do wonder why it is so easy for those around me to find a partner so easily. I am filled with apprehension just thinking of all the decisions, commitments and changes that come with being someone's girlfriend. I guess I'm just a long way off you know?

Sometimes it's tiring when you catch up with old friends and be like, YEAH. STILL FOREVER ALONE. and I LIKE IT. my life can be all kinds of happening without a certain boy being one of the protagonists.

we'll see how 2014 goes, I'll be officially 20 and unofficially 21.

2. I'm a lazy cow. So lazy. My lifestyle in 2013 has been a napful one. I've worked hard here and there, but I just wish I had more in me to be more productive and spend my precious time on more valuable things. Sleep is amazing I know. But I've got the potential for much more!

In 2014, I need some sort of catalyst. What's my motivation for self improvement?

I take too much time to complete things.

But I've also realized, most of my half cooked work comes out better than others. or still manages to be excellent. This is just an honest observation, not self-praise. I think it's one of those things God has blessed me with, NO not the excuse to be lazy, but that if I really put in more effort and preparation into things, I could do better!

3. Health wise, I'm sick now lol but over the year I've been okay I guess, less of the sinuseyness and flu attacks.

I remember falling majorly ill somewhere in September was it? or is it my imagination? Well, in December this is the third time falling sick so, lol, I've learnt my lesson, less junk food, more rest, more water.

I thought I'd start at the gym at uni adi, but I'm not comfortable enough with the idea to start. Next year! :D

I took on a challenge by paul, joe and ryan to get flat abs for a while, then exams came and now I'll be like what. no. way.

4. I have to more of a people person. It's such an irony of life that I head a department at church which prioritizes people skills. My introvert self is hard to change, but change it must, year by year.

Especially in uni. Making friends should be more of a priority you know, I will be seeing them for the next few years hellooo.

I'm trying to change, and it's one of my big 2014 resolutions, loving people. I've let my best friends find better friends than me, and I've let my pride and self-righteousness get the better of me.

Even as my birthday passed and my friends do cute and wonderful things for me, and I'm thinking, what did I do for them this year?

JUST let me stress how much of an issue this is. I mean, in general, not being really able to idk, 'love' people. I have more affection for my soft toy vegetables and neighborhood stray cats than I have for a single human. WHERE is my empathy. I want to do more than just tolerate people, I want to be interested in them!

It's a very Enid Blyton thing, if I want better friends, I have to be a better friend.

5. I gotta grow up. Cook my own food, wrap my own presents, clean my own room. Learn how to handle my money. Stop losing all my stuffff!!!! Spend less time on the tv and computer. This sounds basic right?

Be focused on the things I do, understand consequences for myself and others, just be less of a kid lah.

Doesn't mean I'll be less fun though.

and stop being such a grump, and easily frustrated, and throwing fits, and being overly calculative.

So, out with the old.
Another post for all things new. another day. :)

Happy New Year!
I can change, I will change, I must change.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

If memories were gifts.

First Christmas without you.
I just can't.

Maybe I'll just sit in your house for awhile.

Merry Christmas up above :)

Friday, November 29, 2013

I know I've told you before.

Whale whale whale.

So, Laura, how's it been, over 3 months being a Taylor's Lakeside student?
and how's life since your last post?

I'm so happy for your concern dear blog. I will update you the best I can. :)

Well, in terms of uni life, I find that this sem really...irregular. It gives an odd illusion like there's not much to do and study and then there are strenuous weeks of churning out assignment after assignment, quiz after quiz, and videos and reviews and then, nothing much again. I appreciate the short classes very much though, thank you Taylor's for letting me slowly get used to the stresses of uni life, and the culture shock that comes with it.

Academically, it's been quite okay so far, for me. My assignments have been getting good marks, and my midterm came back quite well, and the quizzes are okay so far. I NO CHEAT some more. haha.

Coming from a science stream background, this stuff is kinda easy peas really. From cramming all processes of digesting sugar and dna mutation and chemical processes and math permutations and then suddenly learning theories about life, society, media and critical thinking, it's such a break for my brain. Though most of the time my inner pride and nerd is constantly pressuring me to do AMAZINGLY WELL since it's apparently 'so easy' for me. go big or go home Laura.

and the facilities here never fail to amaze me. enough said, I'm not promo-ing taylors. Everyone, go and study somewhere else cheaper.

friends here are more similar to my high school mates though. i think form 6 just happens to pool together a very specific type of people that are amazing in their own ways, but different. so, somewhat more used to uni friends. I'm always bummed out everyday though that mass comm has a horrible guy to girl ratio. More guys next sem PLEASE. handsome ones.

and I'm glad that I slowly get to know that there are more Twelveans studying here than I originally thought. Yay to that.

Next life event please.

So, successfully organized and executed the 365's Got Talent 2013 earlier this month. and it feels like such a relief to get it off my shoulders. I thought this event planning would come easy to me as I've planned so many events before, and two similar ones in usj 12. But no. the vast differences in resources, manpower and protocol really took it's toll.

In usj 12 I had unlimited resources. Printing? Done. Paid for. Publicity? WE SEE EVERYONE EVERYDAY. Manpower? My infinite amount of ever-ready-to-serve-me prefects at my disposal. and it's for profit anyway. 365's Got Talent was not for profit.

In the end though, after stressful days and nights and rushing and all, it turned better than expected. And plenty of good reviews from everyone too. :)

So thank you God for that.

So, at the moment? Life?

I have my finals a week from now. and an assignment due next week. It's crunch time now. sucks, when most people have holidays already.

my current dilemma? my last paper is only after camp, which means i have the opportunity to go for youth camp.

But SHOULD I? that's the question.

can't wait till Christmas. and my 3 month-long holiday :)


My late granma's birthday passed last Sunday, and the days that led up to it were very tiring emotionally. I had an exam, the talent event and assignments due that week. Most of the time i just felt so distraught.

Midweek was awful. Vivid dreams of both my grandparents, random crying spells and a general bitterness at everyone.

I think if i can avoid it, I will never want to voluntarily go grocery shopping at giant anymore. Seeing cute retired old couples shopping with their grandkids makes me so nostalgic.

and we visited the columbarium.

and to think, her previous birthday we were still taking her out to dinner.

what am I going to do. a Christmas without them. CNY without them. and then it'll be a one year anniversary. One whole year of this. I het it.

Why you so bitter Laura.

Friday, September 6, 2013

keep me next to You.

Let's turn things around. It's been an emotionally numbing week. I haven't been feeling like this since I was 14, and hormonally imbalanced. 

and just a disclaimer, from the feedback i've been getting from those of you really still read my blog, my recent posts about my granma are when i'm at my worst. I am not always like that, nor am I fragile and sensitive, and you don't have to worry about stepping on my emotional toes :D 

With the stress of planning a difficult event, starting uni (and assignments), and trying to hold up and reshuffle a department, and having a spiritual crisis here, I just feel utterly bogged down. The kind where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, or don't want to fall asleep at night. 
okay. actually, I didn't mean to pile on the sad stuff here.
I changed my blog layout, and was going through some old posts again. and I thought, in honor of successfully maturing into a reasonably well rounded person, and not pregnant, not smoking, not doing drugs, not drinking and clubbing, not overly bimbotic, not irresponsible with my life, not in debt, and just being averagely not in trouble.
what has the world become that being average and normal is already the best thing you can hope for.
I did this at the end of 2007, when i was 14. and i cringed at almost every line. so lets see what a 20 year old (actually 19 >:)) version of me can do.


2013. even though the year hasn't ended.


1. Best friends?

Troubling that I can't say that I have that one or few best, best friends anymore. But I have enough love, support and encouragement I need from the group I have now.


2. Lost any friends?

Not on purpose. Inevitable. Form 6 friends, and every year that passes, my usj 12 schoolmates.


3. Gained any friends?

Here and there. and at uni.


4. Met a new good friend?

I did join SOM for three months. Amazing people.




1. Went out of the country?

This year no. Singapore was the end of last year. But had plenty of local holidays. :)


2. Moved?

I doubt I ever will. Haha. 

on another note though, 365 did move to a bigger hall. I miss the old one, but, progress is progress.


3. New school?

Never thought I'd ever study in Taylor's. and sometimes i still feel like it's a wrong decision. no peace. haha. Let's see how this semester goes. 


4. How many times on an airplane?

Langkawi, both ways. First time in a night flight. Sat uncomfortably next to a large middle eastern man. Adrian's shampoo exploded in his bag.


5. Have you changed?



6. Biggest conflict this year?

Conflict? Like argument? Like internal conflict? I dunno howz to answer dis.


7. Most depressed time this year?

When my granma passed, and funnily enough, now.




1. Did you fall in love?

Not that I know of. I don't know what the feeling consists of. Learning to admire and respect different qualities in certain guys, but love? vat is dat.


2. Did you get heartbroken?

So dramatic. Please. No.


3. Who was your summer romance?

no summer, no romance. haha.


4. Least favorite season this year?

When granma passed.


5. Good birthday?

Not yet.




1. Snuck out?

I don't anymore. Haha. It's the sneaking back in that's the problem. My midnight curfew has been re-implemented.


2. Met a person who will change your life?

All the people in SOM. 


3. Had a first something?

lazy to think.


4. Liked someone who didn't like you?

Infatuate over countless handsome guys that don't know I exist. Biasalah. Aaron. Ramsey.


5. Got bad grades?

STPM results were good. :)


6. Got suspended?



7. Moved states?



8. Got a myspace?

This is an invalid question.


9. Done something you totally regret?

Telling people things. Really, the more I keep to myself, the better.




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Thursday, August 22, 2013

blank and blue.

Can't believe that I start uni in just a few days. I've been in a blissful bubble for 8 months, but life must resume.

Took the week off. Haven't had home cooked ramen in a while.

Suddenly very badly reminded of my grandparents cooking. Can no longer request for fish curry, special fried tofu, asam pork, cheesecake, everything. Such tangible memories make it especially painful you know, like grasping for thin air. Such a cliche phrase, but how else to describe it?

I realize i'm especially emotional this week, due to it being the time of the month, so a lot of things set me off easily.

Please see how silly and dramatic my emotions like to be.

Overheard a conversation of a not related aunty having to admit her mother in the hospital, who was 76 years old. Emo.

Watching adrian's videoshoot about losing a parent. Imagined my dad and uncles. Emo.

Using leftover alcohol swabs from my grandma's stash to clean some of my jewelry. Emo.

Saw an older person in a wheelchair. Emo.

Wake up. Emo.


Okay. After this week I'll be more stable. and normal. Goodness gracious.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

just-say-no moments.


Well, i think it's funny that in the midst of my work and holidays, i managed to forget about july 11th, until the family trip to camerons few days later. this july 11th would mark 4 years since my yehyeh passed away.

just how. did we manage.

and since july 29th just passed, that means 5 months without my granma.

it's not that i mean to dwell in the loss, but it's just so hard to get it out of my thoughts. sometimes when you're not really doing much, just being idle, memories of them are the first things that pop into my head. how much more worse it gets when we pass by their empty house everyday, or see their stuff lying around the house, or in church or pictures.

sometimes we go into the house to clean it a bit, or just to get the mail and whatnot. can't imagine that some of the best memories of my childhood and the worst and strongest memories of my grandparents will no longer be just a 2 minute walk away. i mean, yeah, it's physically there, but it's not the same.

so weird that starting from next year, every chinese new year won't begin with a visit there.

and yeah, practically one quarter of my house is filled with something that used to belong to them. my grandparents were medium level junk hoarders, bless them. lots of stuff. okaylah, it's lifetime of stuff. even over all the birthdays and christmases over the years, their gifts seem to stand out even more now. my everyday handbag was a gift from my granma. HOW NOT TO NOTICE? :(

charm bracelets, nail polishes, sweaters, notebooks. just everywhere.

also, i don't know how long more before going to church without them will feel normal. not having to fetch them there, and fetch them back. their seats preoccupied by somebody else. can't go to my granma every friday night to ask for sweets.

even where i'm working now it really sucks sometimes. at sunway medical. it's so much fancier compared to UH, and less depressing. which makes me hate UH even more. and working with a pediatrician, i have to see kids with their grandparents. and i can get a bit jealous sometimes.

and the many wake services/funeral, and cancer cases that you hear about.

and still having so many dreams about them. every week i can say.

you can't help but feel like it's too much. too unfair.

then sometimes i think about people who have it worse, you know?

my grandparents were such a blessing in my life, like a bonus not everyone gets to have, and my family so lucky to have them.

but imagine people who have lost their parents at a younger age. someone you also have to depend on for your livelihood, someone you thought would be with you till you graduated and got married. and have to be reminded of it so often by just looking at the people around you. how to deal with fathers day or mothers day.

or if you lost a child, someone you've invested so much in, and placed so much hope into their future. someone who should be outliving you instead. seeing other children around.

such a feeling of loss must be so overwhelming right? makes you look around and want to slap yourself for being so caught up in shallow things.

sorry to be so depressing. after this, you can go visit a happier site. :)

Monday, July 22, 2013

don't cross your arms.

Well, it's already the end of July. And I've just officially registered at Taylor's. In about one more month, this honeymoon period of my life will really end. :( and time definitely does fly when you're having fun.

From December till now, I've been really having the time of my life. (of course, funnily enough, losing my grandmother during that time would be the worst).

It's a rare combination of circumstances that somehow aligned for me to enjoy these 6+ months so thoroughly :') having enough money, time, freedom, and the best company who so happen to have the money, time and freedom as well. yes, our holiday phases align, how very rare.

Let's see. When stpm ended in december, I've had my holiday to Singapore with my family, Genting with my form 6 classmates and then Youth Camp at Port Dickson. And of course Christmas and all that.

Yep, sitting on a plane for a very first time, shopping and sightseeing at Singapore. and then first time squeezing into a tiny hotel room with 7 other girls, walking in the cold in the middle of the night to a mamak in genting. Camp, of course, is never not fun. so. yayyy. :)

And then working for about, three weeks I think, at Empire, earning myself enough money to survive quite well throughout my holiday. and then I started my SOM Bible Course at church for three months. Which was really fun and enlightening :) and made really good friends.

Immediately after I graduated, I went for family camp at Kampar, and then a short stop to Ipoh, and then Genting, again. :)

Kampar was fun, cos these camps are a lot more relaxed. Every night sleeping late, and hanging out. Regret not going for paintball :/ and the last night being the only girl (again) just talking to the guys in their room. and then followed Gid, Ryan, Joe and Matthew to Ipoh, just to get chicken. and walk around aimlessly. And spending 3 days in genting in matthew's apartment with the chee jack, ben, marcus, matthew, edwin, and clement and joseph on the last night. steph and i having a huge bed to ourselves for being the only girls >:) board games, trying to cook breakfasts, lunches and dinners, going up the cable car to watch fast 6, and then going back down a scary cable car ride because of the rain and lightning.

and then happy weeks of freedom, including doing photoshoots and videoshoots with nick, adrian, kelvin, sam and joseph.

and then Langkawi! with my sis, nat, faya, adrian, joe and ryan. second and third flights ever in my life :) from Monday evening till Wednesday night. nice hotel, walking distance to the shops, and near the awesome beach. first time wading in so deep in the water, having a failed campfire, running in the rain, more board games, underwater world (penguinnssssss), bubbles, really strong winds, and exploding shampoos.

and then, one more one day trip with ryan, matthew, ben and gabriel to genting to join the monash cf camp. met zhi wei there, and a lot of other friendly people. also the day we realized ryan's car has cockroaches. yep.

lastly, went to Camerons with my whole family. haven't had one with the cousins in a long time. the last one was to langkawi after my granpa passed away, and now this one after my granma. sad. first time on a extended family holiday without grandparents.

No one to nag at us to sleep earlier, wake up earlier, drink more water, pick up after ourselves. yah.

It was really cold up there, due to the rain. Underestimated the need for packing anything other than shorts. haha. We went to strawberry park resort. another sad fact, the whole family with grandparents went up there to stay before, when i was about 3? and there are lots of memories and pictures tied to that place. :(

went up on a Saturday morning, stopped by Ipoh first to have lunch. bumped into Alexa, of all people of all places. haha. and then reached up at 3ish. a crazy round of taboo. had steamboat for dinner. really. really. cold. that night. and stayed up playing mahjong. morning had buffet breakfast :D went to the market. and then back down to ipoh for lunch and buying chicken and kaya puffs and soooo many other things. then on the way back, my uncle's radiator broke down, and then we were stuck on the highway for a while, and then carried to a lonely, forsaken mechanic in Gopeng, and stuck there till 11pm. yep. 3 to 11. what an experience.


to add to all these, a lot of nights staying up late and coming home at 4, 5, 6 in the morning especially with faya, gid, ryan and joe. crazy things happen on early mornings.

these late nights have since been banned when faya left :(

and now, working at Sunway Medical just to pass by the time, and earn some money before uni starts. aih. it's also been nice that johanna, yi jan and joel han are back for awhile, and kylie comes home next weekend.

yep, so different from any other phase of my life. I know people expect me to become a vegetable, since I didn't really do anything substantial these 7 months, but there's never been a day where I can say I was bored, or lifeless, or just not content.

It scares me that when I go back to uni I'd just be mess. and never would I imagine that I'd go to Taylor's. yeah. although, the conditions that allow me to go are just ironically sickening.

and now, I'm here typing this, because trying to juggle a full social schedule with work involving sick kids, has left me down with a sore throat, flu, cough and I predict a fever any minute now. great.

also. remember the things I said I wanted to accomplish, here: http://staringmedown.blogspot.com/2012/03/better-than-before.html

well, I still haven't picked up chinese, i've improved on the guitar though. not really fit and toned up, but badminton every week has been really fun. didn't learn the things I wanted to, but i promise I still want to. definitely been reading, though it can be improved. But spiritually? Still baby steps.

<3 :)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

reality does more than just bite.

I almost forgot about my last post. And now I'm upset again.

I came here to write about my stpm results. But i'll save it for another day.

Let's just continue on from what happened.

My mama came home from a whole month or so at the hospital on the first week of march. Apparently, she was very happy. Well, in her own home of course.

It was of course much easier to spend time with her at home, and take care of her. And further along we even got her to sit on the wheelchair or the couch, just to look at her garden, or to watch tv.

She even started to regain some appetite and would look at all the food we ate, but she couldn't eat. I remember some days when one of us or my relatives would feed her some ice-cream or soup and she'd be happy.

It was also easier for others to visit her, since the hospital was so far. and you could tell she really loved visitors.

Of course I'd be optimistic for her recovery right?

CNY rolled around, and she even joined us at the table for some meals. Obviously she couldn't go visiting with us, and every house we went to we had to talk about her condition again. um. She was still insistent on giving out angpaos, and could even compliment us cousins for our new clothes.

I think around this time she looked much better already, her skin improved a lot, and her arms weren't as swollen.

It was very different when some relatives visited us at her house instead, we've never done that before.

A week or two after cny (details get hazy), her condition started to decline a lil bit. like very lil. midnight fevers and more aches and pains.

She had to go back to the hospital on the last week of February, due to an infection on her neck, and the color of her skin was darkening rapidly.

On wednesday night, 27th of february, my parents got an emergency call to the hospital, so they rushed off. And an hour later, they called my sis and i to go, because it looked really serious. We went, at about 11pm. Now, this has happened once or twice before, so as worried as we were, we didn't think of worst case scenarios yet.

She was in a different ward, under palliative care. It's a cleaner, nicer ward than lvl10. She wasn't very responsive to us, and didn't seem like herself. She was very active and didn't like the oxygen machine. The doctors and nurses a few disturbing looking tests and whatnot.

After a while, the cousins went to a sitting room down the hall. as we were all tired. funnily, that day was the last of work for me, so my next day was free. Though krystle and eric had work the next day, and jie and marcus had early classes, and shaun had things to do. So we sat and waited in the small dark room.

I have to say, generally we were still very optimistic at that point, albeit tired. it was almost 12am. After awhile, we went to see mama again, and she seemed stable. I offered to stay with my dad, but even he said it's probably just like previously, so most of us went back. The last thing we said to her was, we'll see you tomorrow.

Daddy came home at 2, and said that she's still stable. So we didn't think much. And went to sleep.

The following morning, ties with the day my granpa passed away, as worst day ever.

My mother bursts into my room at 6am, telling me my mama passed away.

I just remember feeling very numb, and laid awake till for 3 hours hugging my soft toys.

After a shower and funnily enough I had to finish some stuff for church, at 11am I went to mama's house, and prepared myself for the worst. I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm dramatizing anything, but this is how i remember that weekend.

The real stupid thing is that because of my yeh yeh's death, I knew what was coming for the next 3 or so days. And i really hated that we have to go through all of it again. So the procedure is to clean downstairs and rearrange the furniture so that we can fit the casket. and we cleaned out the old cupboards outside, most of which still holds yeh yeh's stuff. the nirvana people arranged everything, the tents and the whatever else lah.

I couldn't bear to look into the casket till at night.

Krystle took off from work, and shaun had to cancel his flight back to sarawak. Marcus skipped class. and jie jie came back at about 2pm. she was supposed to have a whole day of class.

Yeh yeh's passing left me a very distraught and teary, but this mama's one just made me very numb.

In a way, it WAS very shocking. Even yehyeh's passing we had a whole day to anticipate it.

Went back to shower and nap and i can't remember. We went back at 6pm, to prepare for the first wake service. My auntie ordered pizza hut for dinner. needless to say, it made me feel better.

at this point i think i only responded to few text msgs. I assumed most people didn't know. i never know what to say in response.

i'd say the first night was the hardest. jiejie's eulogy. when my granma's sisters are so sad.

next day was the same. Krystle's and my uncle's eulogy.
always tiring, coming home at 1am ish, irregular meals, entertaining guests.

Still, i'm so thankful for those of you that came. I don't like being calculative, but i can clearly remember friends that didn't come. not even one of the three days. i won't hold a grudge, but i still wonder.

Saturday was the funeral service. Again really tough. The cousins took one car by ourselves. We had police escorts again. i stress again that this is so stupidly and oddly familiar. The cremation. And unlike yeh yeh's, on the same day we could collect the bones and the urn and put her in the plot next to yeh yeh. Now everytime we visit we will be doubly upset.

We were not emotionally distraught and madly upset okay. We were actually okay, emotional when it came to a point, and mostly tired, but we were okay. By God's grace, we know she's in a better place and all that. We even played mahjong and had cendol and all that.

Sunday I really didn't want to go to church. I really didn't want to face anyone, and go on as if I didn't just lose one of the most important people in my life.

Since there was cell leader's meeting, we decided to go. Inevitably, people did ask. Everyone is of course very nice. Some of course more brash than others. But I know everybody is very nice.

but it just sucks remembering that, that sunday or the sunday before that we were still planning to bring mama to church.

it's been three weeks since. and if mama were around, and well, i could let her know my good results and celebrate with her.

Friday, February 1, 2013

hopes and prayers.

hello blog,
I've come here again,
To lament upon my life and all it's woes,
Where else would i go to attain,
This comfort from whatever misfortune throws.

how tragically beautiful is my soul now huh.

okay okay, i'm not that sad. but even if i was, it'll be in a never-say-die way anyway.

i'm here to document about my granma. :)

unless people ask, i don't like to bring it up. its been almost 4 years since my granpa had liver cancer and passed on, sometimes, (i think usually when my hormones are a bit off) i get really upset about it.

so it's no fun at all when earlier last year my granma was diagnosed with cervical cancer. or something like that. with the three chemo sessions, she was very weak. no proper sleep or appetite. but after awhile, she did recover, and gained some weight and strength back. :) i gave a small class presentation about in class too. right?

at that point, she really did inspire me. the side effects of chemo are absolutely brutal, and she could even smile, joke and be optimistic at that point in her life.

things were great. especially when it was around after one of my many test and exams, and she was treating the family and all that. :)

forgive me if my timeline is a bit wrong, most of my concentration being on stpm. it sounds selfish, but at the time, i really didn't know how to do both things at once.

around september or october ish she started having persistent stomach aches.
and then here the details get fuzzy on my part, because all i remember doing was studying. -_-

all i just remember is that things got bad quite fast. i remember before her birthday she was already very weak and tired, and somewhat bedridden right..? and the family wanted to bring her on a holiday, but she wasn't well enough.

and then exams.

i remember the moment i finished that last paper. i've never been happier. i literally could not stop smiling. driving back home i must've looked nuts on the road, smiling at nothing. and i even got a self congratulatory bubble tea drink from u-cha.

this is going to sound very pretentious, but i was very happy to be able to start really worrying about my granma. it's a real bittersweet feeling. trying to block out my worries for her for exam was tough. and when there was nothing else bigger i could worry about, it was very relieving to be able to concentrate on my granma.

and she was honestly the first person i wanted to see after exams.
i knew she would be in my uncle's house, because at the time she was weak, and didn't want to be in her house alone though, so i thought i couldn't.

i drove past her house and somehow, she and my uncle's family had come back to take some of her belongings.

i went in to see her, happy like anything. though, she was very tired, and not in the best mood.

it seemed as if it was timed in such a way that the moment my exam ended, it went downhill really fast.

she was diagnosed with another form of incurable cancer that even until now i can't fully understand.

she couldn't swallow food, and had to be fed with through a nose tube, and she couldn't walk, and her limbs were swelling up.

i don't want to seem like a spoilt brat, but besides all my holidays to singapore, genting and pd, december wasn't a nice month.

i never expect much for my birthday each year anyway, but i think my 19th birthday really tapaos as worst birthday ever. i'll not go into details, i AM over it. it was just a one day thing anyway. Christmas was worse. didn't feel like Christmas at all, other than church. even the family gathering was weird one, and didn't do any christmassy things AT ALL.

i'm not entirely ungrateful, there were many fabulous things that you would say could prolly compensate for it, but i'd give it all back if it were to mean my grandma was fit as a fiddle. yeah, even my pink charles and keith wallet that i love. and all the other stuff.

she was in the hospital for two weeks at first, and then came home.
and it was difficult, seeing her suffer. sore, itchy and phlegmmy.

well. we had to hire someone to take care of her. and she was very nice. but then at new year my granma had to be admitted to the hospital again.

honestly, i think it was for the better, the hospital is more equipped with staff and supplies for her. we had to hire another someone new to take care of my granma.

it was difficult to find someone willing to take care of my granma for half the day, since the rest of the family was working or not free. me, my sis and my dad even had a one day outing to check out nursing homes.

that, was one of the top ten worst days of my life.

i know the family would only resort to a nursing home as a worst case scenario, but after that day, i would have cancelled that option entirely, and i think so would my dad and my sister.

each nursing home was more depressing than the last. we went to about ten plus homes altogether. let's just generalise them. it was sad.

it's quiet, and full of old people just sitting around, in old fashioned dingy homes. even the nicest one with the air-conditioning was depressing. i know most of the people in the homes have got families with valid and probably sympathetic situations to result in them being there, but i don't know, i'd sooner find a way to climb mount everest than to give up and put my granma there.

so january was month of back and forth visits to the hospital. sometimes she got better, and sometimes she got worse.

a lot of people visit, i'm thankful for that.

recently in the last week, she's gotten a bittttt delirious, but doctors say it's a chemical imbalance. but it was really worrying i tell ya.

but in the entire month, she was usually cheery and could still joke and smile. :)

all in all, it's been tough.

tmr she'll be allowed to come home. it's been a whole month since she was in her own home. and i hope from there, her condition will only improve.

i'm sorry if this post seemed like a cry for pity on my part, but it isn't. i think.
i just needed somewhere to let it out, because i selfishly think my friends would not understand.

HAH not to say my inanimate blog or the cyber world will do any better, it's just i don't have smirk back at it when it gives me a non-satisfying response in return.

cheers to good health.