reality does more than just bite.

I almost forgot about my last post. And now I'm upset again.

I came here to write about my stpm results. But i'll save it for another day.

Let's just continue on from what happened.

My mama came home from a whole month or so at the hospital on the first week of march. Apparently, she was very happy. Well, in her own home of course.

It was of course much easier to spend time with her at home, and take care of her. And further along we even got her to sit on the wheelchair or the couch, just to look at her garden, or to watch tv.

She even started to regain some appetite and would look at all the food we ate, but she couldn't eat. I remember some days when one of us or my relatives would feed her some ice-cream or soup and she'd be happy.

It was also easier for others to visit her, since the hospital was so far. and you could tell she really loved visitors.

Of course I'd be optimistic for her recovery right?

CNY rolled around, and she even joined us at the table for some meals. Obviously she couldn't go visiting with us, and every house we went to we had to talk about her condition again. um. She was still insistent on giving out angpaos, and could even compliment us cousins for our new clothes.

I think around this time she looked much better already, her skin improved a lot, and her arms weren't as swollen.

It was very different when some relatives visited us at her house instead, we've never done that before.

A week or two after cny (details get hazy), her condition started to decline a lil bit. like very lil. midnight fevers and more aches and pains.

She had to go back to the hospital on the last week of February, due to an infection on her neck, and the color of her skin was darkening rapidly.

On wednesday night, 27th of february, my parents got an emergency call to the hospital, so they rushed off. And an hour later, they called my sis and i to go, because it looked really serious. We went, at about 11pm. Now, this has happened once or twice before, so as worried as we were, we didn't think of worst case scenarios yet.

She was in a different ward, under palliative care. It's a cleaner, nicer ward than lvl10. She wasn't very responsive to us, and didn't seem like herself. She was very active and didn't like the oxygen machine. The doctors and nurses a few disturbing looking tests and whatnot.

After a while, the cousins went to a sitting room down the hall. as we were all tired. funnily, that day was the last of work for me, so my next day was free. Though krystle and eric had work the next day, and jie and marcus had early classes, and shaun had things to do. So we sat and waited in the small dark room.

I have to say, generally we were still very optimistic at that point, albeit tired. it was almost 12am. After awhile, we went to see mama again, and she seemed stable. I offered to stay with my dad, but even he said it's probably just like previously, so most of us went back. The last thing we said to her was, we'll see you tomorrow.

Daddy came home at 2, and said that she's still stable. So we didn't think much. And went to sleep.

The following morning, ties with the day my granpa passed away, as worst day ever.

My mother bursts into my room at 6am, telling me my mama passed away.

I just remember feeling very numb, and laid awake till for 3 hours hugging my soft toys.

After a shower and funnily enough I had to finish some stuff for church, at 11am I went to mama's house, and prepared myself for the worst. I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm dramatizing anything, but this is how i remember that weekend.

The real stupid thing is that because of my yeh yeh's death, I knew what was coming for the next 3 or so days. And i really hated that we have to go through all of it again. So the procedure is to clean downstairs and rearrange the furniture so that we can fit the casket. and we cleaned out the old cupboards outside, most of which still holds yeh yeh's stuff. the nirvana people arranged everything, the tents and the whatever else lah.

I couldn't bear to look into the casket till at night.

Krystle took off from work, and shaun had to cancel his flight back to sarawak. Marcus skipped class. and jie jie came back at about 2pm. she was supposed to have a whole day of class.

Yeh yeh's passing left me a very distraught and teary, but this mama's one just made me very numb.

In a way, it WAS very shocking. Even yehyeh's passing we had a whole day to anticipate it.

Went back to shower and nap and i can't remember. We went back at 6pm, to prepare for the first wake service. My auntie ordered pizza hut for dinner. needless to say, it made me feel better.

at this point i think i only responded to few text msgs. I assumed most people didn't know. i never know what to say in response.

i'd say the first night was the hardest. jiejie's eulogy. when my granma's sisters are so sad.

next day was the same. Krystle's and my uncle's eulogy.
always tiring, coming home at 1am ish, irregular meals, entertaining guests.

Still, i'm so thankful for those of you that came. I don't like being calculative, but i can clearly remember friends that didn't come. not even one of the three days. i won't hold a grudge, but i still wonder.

Saturday was the funeral service. Again really tough. The cousins took one car by ourselves. We had police escorts again. i stress again that this is so stupidly and oddly familiar. The cremation. And unlike yeh yeh's, on the same day we could collect the bones and the urn and put her in the plot next to yeh yeh. Now everytime we visit we will be doubly upset.

We were not emotionally distraught and madly upset okay. We were actually okay, emotional when it came to a point, and mostly tired, but we were okay. By God's grace, we know she's in a better place and all that. We even played mahjong and had cendol and all that.

Sunday I really didn't want to go to church. I really didn't want to face anyone, and go on as if I didn't just lose one of the most important people in my life.

Since there was cell leader's meeting, we decided to go. Inevitably, people did ask. Everyone is of course very nice. Some of course more brash than others. But I know everybody is very nice.

but it just sucks remembering that, that sunday or the sunday before that we were still planning to bring mama to church.

it's been three weeks since. and if mama were around, and well, i could let her know my good results and celebrate with her.