Pick Me

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Surrendering crowns.

Here we go, another year ends. Officially turned 23 years old which is what I call 'legit adulthood'.

The first thing that would come to mind about 2016 for me would be that it was tough. I'm not sure how I remember previous years (you can look up previous posts i guess if you want), other than of course my STPM year, but that was tough in a different way.

This year was a whole hot mess of things I can't even begin to say good riddance to. I might just be extra melodramatic, sentimental and nostalgic here at this moment writing this post and thinking about the events of the year which stood out in a bitter lens of disgust. But I'm also here to make peace with myself to know and understand that as all the other things in life, it has and will shape me into a better person if I can learn from them and be grateful for all the good things in between.

The past 5 months have also been incredible though in helping me move on and also gain the most valuable experiences. Being this free in terms of career and studies for this amount of time is such a privilege and I'm sad that it will come to an end soon. It serves a dual purpose though in actually making me excited to have a purpose in the working world when I head into it. Though I still can't say exactly that I know what I want in life or where to go (strictly in the career aspect), at least there is less doom and dread than if I had jumped straight in.

My highlight would of course have to be my month in South Korea, I still miss it so much and please allow me to be exaggerated on this, but I feel like my heart literally aches that I'm no longer there. In the city, on the subway, eating their food, hearing and speaking (hacking up) the language, living the independent life. Even seeing places that I used to visit or eat at on tv or other people's pictures, videos, snaps etc makes me want to turn it off and distract myself from how much I miss it. But I know, it's over.

Secondly would be my youth camp in which I got to be on the planning committee. That was a tough experience too as I've gotten a bit rusty in not being in a church event committee for like 1 and 1/2 years before that, and working closely with different people. Besides noticing my many flaws, the camp itself also helped me realize how very real God is and He will do what He wants, how He wants and when He wants despite all the planning and expecting you think you can do. I had a lot of questions answered and I believe that His anointing is upon our youth and I'm excited in the direction we're heading to. Realistically it will take even more hard work, obedience and faith but if there is going to be growth and a revival, I want to be a part of it. I've been in youth camps for almost a decade and I remember the past as fresh as the present especially when it's in the same camp site, it's a myriad of flashbacks and it feels like it's mirrored in the lives of those younger than me

Mostly I think back on this time last year, on relationships/friendships lost, developed, weakened and strengthened. Lots of regrets and just feeling sorry for how some things have turned out, but also knowing that my friendship now is purposeful to other people. My ultimate realization of the year is that other people matter the most. As in how you can impact someone positively. Means being less concerned about myself and seeing how I can benefit others. Because if one day I'm gone, my achievements and investments would mean nothing to no one if they weren't actually meant for anyone. and that's my continued direction for 2017.

I've said all I could say about my uni life so that's over forever :D

One last thing, on which I'm sorry to be extra vague and cryptic but too bad it's my blog so just live with it, is the other thing which has made this year so tough for me;

There are many stages of moving on, and I wouldn't have believed it when it was at the worst, that it actually can and will get better, time will pass and hurts will heal. I mean there was a time where I all wanted to do was run away and be alone and do things like look at the horizon/stare into space and think about endless things, which I also don't know is a healthy way of coping or what. And it's funny because if you told me that this is how sappy I would be before this entire episode even happened, I also wouldn't believe you and I would think of myself too cool for something like that. Well here is the latest version of me smirking at all that I thought I knew. So yes, now there is more acceptance leading to more peace and joy and hope for whatever comes my way. I will continue to try and do my best on my part but ready to accept lousy circumstances which are for sure to come. Forgiveness comes in many forms and phases so if in the very least it is evolving then I will accept that as a better direction than being stagnant, or worse, forming into bitterness and hatred. I'm a bit annoyed that when I think back on 2016, that this whole part will be considered as an embarrassing, hurtful and unnecessary part of the year, but I know deeper down it will all be fine.


k bai.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Different mornings

Was reminded on Sunday of God's unconditional love for us. The week before that was tough for me, as you can see in my previous post, and at the same time having very deep conversations about God and faith. I really needed a reminder like this. 

There's so many aspects and characteristics of God and Christianity that we know and understand and try to make it logical and relatable to ourselves and our friends. You can only be motivated by so many things, but in the end when we remember that it is how much God loves us that should be our very foundation of thought and action.

A love so profound and unconditional that it would never even occur to you to look in another direction away from Him. that you would want everything in your life to be about Him because we are drawn to His love and all it helps us to be.

I could say so much more, I think we all know it, but let it sink in and move you away from negative realities but towards peace, love, joy and everything good. 

It's true sometimes religion raises more questions than it answers and I don't know how to convince someone who lives their life without knowing this kind of love, to want to look for it in the first place. But we rely on the fact that it will change their entire life and there's no other love like the love of God.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Immovable objects

Have I ever been the type to be paranoid, sensitive and insecure? Maybe, when I was like 13, 14, 15 yrs old. and since then I think I've been doing okay. I explicitly try very much to not be those things and I thought to a certain extent I was pretty mature and that my character has been improving.

normally, i ask myself: why am I feeling like this? and I can honestly and objectively answer it to myself which helps me straighten out my feelings and then it will surely pass.

but now i do that and i'm still upset almost all the time.

and i guess it really comes down to feeling insecure about myself in some ways which i never thought i was. 

my confidence in this aspect of myself must have been based on very unstable foundations. and i guess it links itself amongst my current dilemmas.

and what about emotions that don't just linger but also get more distractedly stronger. and i feel like i'm going backwards.  

maybe i just don't like things changing. nobody does and people generally have a tough time with that don't they? i'm not crazy, these are valid concerns am i right?

also, my pride refuses me to talk it through with anybody. fantastic joys of being me.


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Little swords

Somehow I always feel bad for not being the type of person to speak my mind. I know and understand my personality isnt the most expressive type, so will it also always be a part of me that always regrets holding all my ideas, thoughts, opinions, or even just exclamations in?

I can both consciously withhold and subconsciously just not say things out because i already assume that it is already something obvious, why does it need to be said out again? It most definitely crosses my mind, and I know that I know it. But then when someone (possibly more extroverted) says it out, it seems like the most amusing thing everyone's heard. As if other people don't already know it. Like a joke or a slang that's been going around forever that it's no longer novel to me at all but still amuses someone else to no end.

WOW I sound like a bitter, cynical old lady. How do I make it sound like I'm not a proud know it all. hahah. 

I just mean all this in the context of human interaction. People want to know that others relate to them and have the same thoughts, ideas and types of humor so of course they look out for that and respond more favorably.

What I am probably upset by is that because I don't like to be a person that shows much reaction, I might lose on connecting with others better. 

Another example, sitting in a group of friends which are not your usual group at all and hearing their inner jokes and conversations. and finding none of it to be funny at all, and you think ah that's why you're not part of this group. and you feel like your own group of friends are much more suited to you. if you were to trade places with someone else in this new group, they might think the same of your group too.

I feel like if i'm saying obvious things out or being overly expressive just seems like a ploy to get people to like you, almost as if it were pandering or insincere. like when you're supposed to give a testimony on stage, i have a lot of good things to share, but everything just seems like i'm bragging, and i'm assuming people might be so judgmental. but its not the same when someone else shares, they're just, well, sharing.

In the end though, why is it so wrong to me? is this just a difference in personality that i know just need to accept? well i'm sure it is. but it also sure does annoy me a lot. 

We all have a really warped idea of our own minds, we know all the things going on in our own head of course because it's ours, but how would others know? they can't read minds. not everyone is going to be willing to read micro-expressions or even ask you personally, hey what do you think? to the many other people around in their lives. 

And ironically, some people are completely unaware of this. they can be so caught up with what they already know and get so amused or surprised when somebody says what they're thinking, or worse, immediately assume that no one else knows what they're thinking that when somebody else does say it out they're like wow this person gets me. to me, it's more like, there's a lot of people in this world. you are not the center of it.

So i think thats why people generally feel more attracted towards extroverted people. 

So is what I'm thinking a general thought or feeling of introverted people? or just me?

Okay this feels like i'm going off topic and just all over the place.

I'm not sorry if you don't really understand this post though. This is a jumbled up mess of thoughts actively fueled by the many things going on in my life right now which i am obviously very unsatisfied with and i am, like the gist of this post says, very unwilling to speak my mind about it to anyone, and also still in my social media fast so i can't post vague, angsty and mysterious one liners.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Scrubbed

I'm back from Korea guys. I'll probably post about it later on.

Now though, is for me to scratch an itch that I've induced on purpose. as it is an itch that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I'm in some sort of bubble at this time of my life. Back from Korea, done with uni, done with dramatic relationship episodes but not ready to move on to real life. In a very privileged and exclusive phase of life. Reality, but not quite.

Here, now, I have at hand the chance of infinite possibilities to change myself. To learn from my past, make the effort in my present, and change my future. It can be as minute or monumental as I want it to be. I'm only at the beginning of it and I can optimistically see all the things I can do while also knowing of all the time and opportunities I might very possibly waste and regret.

If I look back at some very old blog posts, simplified versions of this mindset have been here before. I have had spare time like this before, in between stages of education. But this is different, I hope, as it is most likely my last long break before adulting. Melodramatically, I really feel quite mournful of what is ahead of me. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to. Werk, werk, werk, and werk. The cycle of working hard to earn money, to earn financial 'freedom', to climb up ladders. Even the part of building a family and all that comes with it.

This, is my quarter life crisis.

The decisions I have to make very soon will affect the course of my life even more than before. With no safety net. no longer about which uni to go, which course to take, what internship to try out.

So I want to be able to be a better version of myself as I head into all of this. I don't know if you can tell but I think I'm already quite awesome in many ways ;) but a realist I must be. and I hope to attack on as many fronts as possible. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical (IS THERE MORE?!). I mean, why confirm my fears of inadequacy by not changing anything and expecting a difference in the outcome (or at least the attitude).

While some are easy efforts to pinpoint e.g. improving my Mandarin and Korean, getting fitter, eating better, reading more book; others are less quantifiable e.g. improving friendships, improving character, changing perspectives.

Let's see.

One of my first and immediate measures since coming back from Korea is taking on a Social Media fast for one month. The reasons and outcomes of this isn't the most concrete yet everyone around me unanimously knows and seems to understand the significance of this restraint. I've never thought of myself as being a socmed slave in any way. I don't post my locations, I don't mindlessly scroll through it on my phone in public places, I DON'T post selfies, I just consider my general involvement very low.

Well. Being in Korea definitely changed it up, I mean, it's not wrong and I don't regret it. I'm in a faraway place and I want to document and share my experiences. The outburst of activity even helped me to break the ice when meeting relatives and friends because I have this experience to share and relate.

But now that I'm back, and I have the chance to do so, I want to try not to let my life and so much of my time be governed by it. The main culprits: Snapchat, Youtube and Twitter. All these wonderful but dangerous black holes. Simplistically, they are definitely major wastes of time. But more than that, the addiction might allude to even more dangers. I don't have to explain them here, just pick up any millenial-bashing article and you know what I'm talking about.

I'm off Instagram easily, because I wasn't that active on it anyway (before Korea) so it's not hard. Ironically Facebook I still can't get off because official and important matters are still done there so I guess I can't just ignore it, but at most I will not scroll through the news feed.

Snapchat tho. Somehow I realize not posting about my food and friends is getting quite difficult. Not being able to parade snaps of my interesting life around. I don't know to what extent my pride is attached to this. I miss being updated on everyone else's life too.

So the good outcomes of not snapchatting might be: 1. Not perpetuating self-gloating for myself and others 2. Not subconsciously making comparisons 3. Truly living in a moment and making valuable memories 4. Privacy 5. Actually making the effort to find out what goes on in the lives of friends

and then YouTube. seems like everything on it is like a guilty pleasure that makes the hours just fly by. the biggest problem for me is how much I felt very immersed in...Kpop. Idk if anyone of you have started piecing it together that i actually really do love kpop. Its hard to admit, and only a handful of people in my life will know how much i truly am involved with it. I'm not crazy and obsessed okay, but I do like it on many levels and aspects. So Youtube is my main channel of feeding on kpop so i just know i need to reduce it. it also offers me many outlets to my other interests, food, football, nail polish, etc. but a little self control can go a long way.

But the hardest, the very ultimate challenge of my socmed fast is Twitter. oh how I love Twitter. you could take everything away from me just leave me with my Twitter account and I'll be happy. I like expressing myself on Twitter. it's more private, more contained and more concise. and I didnt realize how much of my thoughts are just spewed out there.

suddenly i'm aware of all the things i want to express and post there but i can't. it's almost as if the thoughts in my head are meant just for tweets. a witty line of 140 words. i even think, about how i can't complain about not being on twitter, in a form of a tweet. all day everyday. i can't post my opinions, my vague expressions of emotions, my desires, my complaints, my experiences, my dreams and nightmares.

it's driving me crazy. and i know for sure that this fast is a good thing for me. i really hope by the time the month ends i would have learnt something valuable and not vomit a month's worth of ramblings at one go when i can.

I hope to be less passive and learn to express myself better to the physical human beings around me. I can learn to share joys and disappointments with my friends, rather than to just dump them out on Twitter and forget about it. I need to look at the outcomes of posting more positive things, and be less generous with complaints and insults. How edifying or encouraging can I be, instead of pouring out my indignancies, discontentments and complaints. Am i subconsciously self-promoting by always trying to tweet something funny, witty, intellectual.




Who knows. Idk. If in the end nothing much changes then it's also okay i guess.
Well, the purpose of the fast is to also spend more time on other more valuable things. So that might be where the real improvement lies at.

We've learned the phrase before: Disconnect to Connect. :)

I'm deep into a book, for example. and learning up Korean. and spending more quality time with friends. and it feels great.