Slippery slopes

 it all started with me watching one of the many kdramas, which is about this person being able to suddenly go back in time to change her crappy life bit by bit

my life is in no way crappy of course but somehow this trope really stuck with me until now, its been a couple of months and i find my mind wandering back to what i would change

yes overall i am quite a live in my head person, with a strong tendency to be nostalgic and wistful but also a quite lets move forward and not live in regret person, so i'm in this limbo of thoughts which i think is not very helpful and better i write it here and let it go

because lets face it I CANT CHANGE THE PAST but ohhhhh all the things i would do if i could - does it make me appreciate the present more, no - i didnt get a scrooge-like transformation

 let me tell you about me now. 

i find my most current version of myself very interesting. previously i've always liked myself but i feel more developed now, like unlocking further software updates of different parts of my brain which was in the grey previously.

we listen and we dont judge ok - some of these things will be quite shallow, i'll try to find something more meaningful once i've written it down haha

firstly, i am a lot more interested and aware of fashion and makeup and skincare and i feel like i now REALLY understand how some things work. like what really works for me and what big and small differences certain things make, and i have the effort to want to do it. for example, one of my favorite makeup products now is blush - one year ago me and younger would never touch blush. it seemed unnecessary and frivolous, my face is already red and seriously who has time and who cares about these things - well now thats me, i do and i think it makes SUCH a big difference

and thats gonna be a theme of most things, what was once so subtle really adds up and matters - if you want to decide that those things are important to you

like even my hair i would NEVER take the time to blowdry it let alone use products and i only curl it in one way for any big events. now, i reallly am willing to do those things and i like what i see haha

i would also only want to get like really thinned hair and too many layers like back then i thought i locked down what i thought looked good but nah man, blunt cuts are the way to go serious

same for skincare etc - previously i think i was quite good already e.g. making sure i dont over exfoliate and make sure i double cleanse etc but now i realllly get my skin and what irritates it and what helps it and i'm willing to stick to this routine

as for fashion, my goodness, like colors and fits and styles omg i am so happy and excited to talk about it - i wouldnt say i was unfashionable now, but i reallllly appreciate the subtleties of all things fashion better now, like how even a good graphic tshirt with a great fit and material makes all the difference, and i really like understanding my own style now - i'm even willing to wear socks and cute sneakers ok - you ask me last time i am slippers 200% of the time

and somehow now, i am able to get my butt moving to exercise as frequently as almost 5 times a week, is that crazy? i have found redeemed time and effort! and yeah it has a profound impact on my health - and i'm happy that progress is being made 

i'm not saying i'm perfect now or ever will be but WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE to reach these conclusions earlier in my life to enjoy it further. it doesnt feel like that much extra effort?

so really, what has been my motivation for this? if in the end all of this results in just looking better, i am happy to take it as that. thats why i said its shallow.

i personally of course think my character and the inner beauty bla bla things have grown as well, my maturity in handling many new and different challenges in adulthood like in relationships, career and other personal developments - but nice getting all these things while also being more confident because of how i look on the outside

maybe i really only could have achieved all this at this time of my life where i have more financial freedom to experiment and purchase more things that suit me, and more time to think and absorb knowledge from social media and really analyze how i look and feel more etc

maybe i am just getting more vain

SO if i could go back in time, even in high school, i could have said myself from so many bad decisions and logic breaks down very quickly because would i even be who i am now with all those 'crutches' early on 

other than looks, to be fair, i would have certainly improved my character and how i treated people around me better

or just not taking things seriously, except maybe studies. that makes life so one dimensional... i had time and resources to focus on my fitness too, now i feel like i'm running out of time to hit my body goals as age catches up

that makes me feel the most regretful though, that i never really was a genuine, sincere and thoughtful friend to many - idk if i am that now too, but at least i am trying - back then, maybe like most people who were young, life is viewed in a very selfish and narrow perspective. i didnt really listen to learn about people, or really want strong, quality friendships - its more about what can i get 

i would try to shoulder more of the burden of my parents and the household - now that i'm in my house, i really see all the things they did for us, its incomprehensible

usually this train of thought overwhelms me a bit, because of the regret and the second guessing of myself thinking why is striking such a nerve to me for so long. 

and other than those outward things which are fun to do, i feel incapacitated for the other things. i'm scared and i'm also very comfortable, lazy and still selfish.

anyway, happy to talk about makeup, skincare, fashion and fitness. 

for the rest, i'm looking for some empathy and some solutions.