Pick Me

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Little swords

Somehow I always feel bad for not being the type of person to speak my mind. I know and understand my personality isnt the most expressive type, so will it also always be a part of me that always regrets holding all my ideas, thoughts, opinions, or even just exclamations in?

I can both consciously withhold and subconsciously just not say things out because i already assume that it is already something obvious, why does it need to be said out again? It most definitely crosses my mind, and I know that I know it. But then when someone (possibly more extroverted) says it out, it seems like the most amusing thing everyone's heard. As if other people don't already know it. Like a joke or a slang that's been going around forever that it's no longer novel to me at all but still amuses someone else to no end.

WOW I sound like a bitter, cynical old lady. How do I make it sound like I'm not a proud know it all. hahah. 

I just mean all this in the context of human interaction. People want to know that others relate to them and have the same thoughts, ideas and types of humor so of course they look out for that and respond more favorably.

What I am probably upset by is that because I don't like to be a person that shows much reaction, I might lose on connecting with others better. 

Another example, sitting in a group of friends which are not your usual group at all and hearing their inner jokes and conversations. and finding none of it to be funny at all, and you think ah that's why you're not part of this group. and you feel like your own group of friends are much more suited to you. if you were to trade places with someone else in this new group, they might think the same of your group too.

I feel like if i'm saying obvious things out or being overly expressive just seems like a ploy to get people to like you, almost as if it were pandering or insincere. like when you're supposed to give a testimony on stage, i have a lot of good things to share, but everything just seems like i'm bragging, and i'm assuming people might be so judgmental. but its not the same when someone else shares, they're just, well, sharing.

In the end though, why is it so wrong to me? is this just a difference in personality that i know just need to accept? well i'm sure it is. but it also sure does annoy me a lot. 

We all have a really warped idea of our own minds, we know all the things going on in our own head of course because it's ours, but how would others know? they can't read minds. not everyone is going to be willing to read micro-expressions or even ask you personally, hey what do you think? to the many other people around in their lives. 

And ironically, some people are completely unaware of this. they can be so caught up with what they already know and get so amused or surprised when somebody says what they're thinking, or worse, immediately assume that no one else knows what they're thinking that when somebody else does say it out they're like wow this person gets me. to me, it's more like, there's a lot of people in this world. you are not the center of it.

So i think thats why people generally feel more attracted towards extroverted people. 

So is what I'm thinking a general thought or feeling of introverted people? or just me?

Okay this feels like i'm going off topic and just all over the place.

I'm not sorry if you don't really understand this post though. This is a jumbled up mess of thoughts actively fueled by the many things going on in my life right now which i am obviously very unsatisfied with and i am, like the gist of this post says, very unwilling to speak my mind about it to anyone, and also still in my social media fast so i can't post vague, angsty and mysterious one liners.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


I'm back from Korea guys. I'll probably post about it later on.

Now though, is for me to scratch an itch that I've induced on purpose. as it is an itch that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I'm in some sort of bubble at this time of my life. Back from Korea, done with uni, done with dramatic relationship episodes but not ready to move on to real life. In a very privileged and exclusive phase of life. Reality, but not quite.

Here, now, I have at hand the chance of infinite possibilities to change myself. To learn from my past, make the effort in my present, and change my future. It can be as minute or monumental as I want it to be. I'm only at the beginning of it and I can optimistically see all the things I can do while also knowing of all the time and opportunities I might very possibly waste and regret.

If I look back at some very old blog posts, simplified versions of this mindset have been here before. I have had spare time like this before, in between stages of education. But this is different, I hope, as it is most likely my last long break before adulting. Melodramatically, I really feel quite mournful of what is ahead of me. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to. Werk, werk, werk, and werk. The cycle of working hard to earn money, to earn financial 'freedom', to climb up ladders. Even the part of building a family and all that comes with it.

This, is my quarter life crisis.

The decisions I have to make very soon will affect the course of my life even more than before. With no safety net. no longer about which uni to go, which course to take, what internship to try out.

So I want to be able to be a better version of myself as I head into all of this. I don't know if you can tell but I think I'm already quite awesome in many ways ;) but a realist I must be. and I hope to attack on as many fronts as possible. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical (IS THERE MORE?!). I mean, why confirm my fears of inadequacy by not changing anything and expecting a difference in the outcome (or at least the attitude).

While some are easy efforts to pinpoint e.g. improving my Mandarin and Korean, getting fitter, eating better, reading more book; others are less quantifiable e.g. improving friendships, improving character, changing perspectives.

Let's see.

One of my first and immediate measures since coming back from Korea is taking on a Social Media fast for one month. The reasons and outcomes of this isn't the most concrete yet everyone around me unanimously knows and seems to understand the significance of this restraint. I've never thought of myself as being a socmed slave in any way. I don't post my locations, I don't mindlessly scroll through it on my phone in public places, I DON'T post selfies, I just consider my general involvement very low.

Well. Being in Korea definitely changed it up, I mean, it's not wrong and I don't regret it. I'm in a faraway place and I want to document and share my experiences. The outburst of activity even helped me to break the ice when meeting relatives and friends because I have this experience to share and relate.

But now that I'm back, and I have the chance to do so, I want to try not to let my life and so much of my time be governed by it. The main culprits: Snapchat, Youtube and Twitter. All these wonderful but dangerous black holes. Simplistically, they are definitely major wastes of time. But more than that, the addiction might allude to even more dangers. I don't have to explain them here, just pick up any millenial-bashing article and you know what I'm talking about.

I'm off Instagram easily, because I wasn't that active on it anyway (before Korea) so it's not hard. Ironically Facebook I still can't get off because official and important matters are still done there so I guess I can't just ignore it, but at most I will not scroll through the news feed.

Snapchat tho. Somehow I realize not posting about my food and friends is getting quite difficult. Not being able to parade snaps of my interesting life around. I don't know to what extent my pride is attached to this. I miss being updated on everyone else's life too.

So the good outcomes of not snapchatting might be: 1. Not perpetuating self-gloating for myself and others 2. Not subconsciously making comparisons 3. Truly living in a moment and making valuable memories 4. Privacy 5. Actually making the effort to find out what goes on in the lives of friends

and then YouTube. seems like everything on it is like a guilty pleasure that makes the hours just fly by. the biggest problem for me is how much I felt very immersed in...Kpop. Idk if anyone of you have started piecing it together that i actually really do love kpop. Its hard to admit, and only a handful of people in my life will know how much i truly am involved with it. I'm not crazy and obsessed okay, but I do like it on many levels and aspects. So Youtube is my main channel of feeding on kpop so i just know i need to reduce it. it also offers me many outlets to my other interests, food, football, nail polish, etc. but a little self control can go a long way.

But the hardest, the very ultimate challenge of my socmed fast is Twitter. oh how I love Twitter. you could take everything away from me just leave me with my Twitter account and I'll be happy. I like expressing myself on Twitter. it's more private, more contained and more concise. and I didnt realize how much of my thoughts are just spewed out there.

suddenly i'm aware of all the things i want to express and post there but i can't. it's almost as if the thoughts in my head are meant just for tweets. a witty line of 140 words. i even think, about how i can't complain about not being on twitter, in a form of a tweet. all day everyday. i can't post my opinions, my vague expressions of emotions, my desires, my complaints, my experiences, my dreams and nightmares.

it's driving me crazy. and i know for sure that this fast is a good thing for me. i really hope by the time the month ends i would have learnt something valuable and not vomit a month's worth of ramblings at one go when i can.

I hope to be less passive and learn to express myself better to the physical human beings around me. I can learn to share joys and disappointments with my friends, rather than to just dump them out on Twitter and forget about it. I need to look at the outcomes of posting more positive things, and be less generous with complaints and insults. How edifying or encouraging can I be, instead of pouring out my indignancies, discontentments and complaints. Am i subconsciously self-promoting by always trying to tweet something funny, witty, intellectual.

Who knows. Idk. If in the end nothing much changes then it's also okay i guess.
Well, the purpose of the fast is to also spend more time on other more valuable things. So that might be where the real improvement lies at.

We've learned the phrase before: Disconnect to Connect. :)

I'm deep into a book, for example. and learning up Korean. and spending more quality time with friends. and it feels great.