Pick Me

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


I'm back from Korea guys. I'll probably post about it later on.

Now though, is for me to scratch an itch that I've induced on purpose. as it is an itch that shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I'm in some sort of bubble at this time of my life. Back from Korea, done with uni, done with dramatic relationship episodes but not ready to move on to real life. In a very privileged and exclusive phase of life. Reality, but not quite.

Here, now, I have at hand the chance of infinite possibilities to change myself. To learn from my past, make the effort in my present, and change my future. It can be as minute or monumental as I want it to be. I'm only at the beginning of it and I can optimistically see all the things I can do while also knowing of all the time and opportunities I might very possibly waste and regret.

If I look back at some very old blog posts, simplified versions of this mindset have been here before. I have had spare time like this before, in between stages of education. But this is different, I hope, as it is most likely my last long break before adulting. Melodramatically, I really feel quite mournful of what is ahead of me. I feel like I don't have much to look forward to. Werk, werk, werk, and werk. The cycle of working hard to earn money, to earn financial 'freedom', to climb up ladders. Even the part of building a family and all that comes with it.

This, is my quarter life crisis.

The decisions I have to make very soon will affect the course of my life even more than before. With no safety net. no longer about which uni to go, which course to take, what internship to try out.

So I want to be able to be a better version of myself as I head into all of this. I don't know if you can tell but I think I'm already quite awesome in many ways ;) but a realist I must be. and I hope to attack on as many fronts as possible. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical (IS THERE MORE?!). I mean, why confirm my fears of inadequacy by not changing anything and expecting a difference in the outcome (or at least the attitude).

While some are easy efforts to pinpoint e.g. improving my Mandarin and Korean, getting fitter, eating better, reading more book; others are less quantifiable e.g. improving friendships, improving character, changing perspectives.

Let's see.

One of my first and immediate measures since coming back from Korea is taking on a Social Media fast for one month. The reasons and outcomes of this isn't the most concrete yet everyone around me unanimously knows and seems to understand the significance of this restraint. I've never thought of myself as being a socmed slave in any way. I don't post my locations, I don't mindlessly scroll through it on my phone in public places, I DON'T post selfies, I just consider my general involvement very low.

Well. Being in Korea definitely changed it up, I mean, it's not wrong and I don't regret it. I'm in a faraway place and I want to document and share my experiences. The outburst of activity even helped me to break the ice when meeting relatives and friends because I have this experience to share and relate.

But now that I'm back, and I have the chance to do so, I want to try not to let my life and so much of my time be governed by it. The main culprits: Snapchat, Youtube and Twitter. All these wonderful but dangerous black holes. Simplistically, they are definitely major wastes of time. But more than that, the addiction might allude to even more dangers. I don't have to explain them here, just pick up any millenial-bashing article and you know what I'm talking about.

I'm off Instagram easily, because I wasn't that active on it anyway (before Korea) so it's not hard. Ironically Facebook I still can't get off because official and important matters are still done there so I guess I can't just ignore it, but at most I will not scroll through the news feed.

Snapchat tho. Somehow I realize not posting about my food and friends is getting quite difficult. Not being able to parade snaps of my interesting life around. I don't know to what extent my pride is attached to this. I miss being updated on everyone else's life too.

So the good outcomes of not snapchatting might be: 1. Not perpetuating self-gloating for myself and others 2. Not subconsciously making comparisons 3. Truly living in a moment and making valuable memories 4. Privacy 5. Actually making the effort to find out what goes on in the lives of friends

and then YouTube. seems like everything on it is like a guilty pleasure that makes the hours just fly by. the biggest problem for me is how much I felt very immersed in...Kpop. Idk if anyone of you have started piecing it together that i actually really do love kpop. Its hard to admit, and only a handful of people in my life will know how much i truly am involved with it. I'm not crazy and obsessed okay, but I do like it on many levels and aspects. So Youtube is my main channel of feeding on kpop so i just know i need to reduce it. it also offers me many outlets to my other interests, food, football, nail polish, etc. but a little self control can go a long way.

But the hardest, the very ultimate challenge of my socmed fast is Twitter. oh how I love Twitter. you could take everything away from me just leave me with my Twitter account and I'll be happy. I like expressing myself on Twitter. it's more private, more contained and more concise. and I didnt realize how much of my thoughts are just spewed out there.

suddenly i'm aware of all the things i want to express and post there but i can't. it's almost as if the thoughts in my head are meant just for tweets. a witty line of 140 words. i even think, about how i can't complain about not being on twitter, in a form of a tweet. all day everyday. i can't post my opinions, my vague expressions of emotions, my desires, my complaints, my experiences, my dreams and nightmares.

it's driving me crazy. and i know for sure that this fast is a good thing for me. i really hope by the time the month ends i would have learnt something valuable and not vomit a month's worth of ramblings at one go when i can.

I hope to be less passive and learn to express myself better to the physical human beings around me. I can learn to share joys and disappointments with my friends, rather than to just dump them out on Twitter and forget about it. I need to look at the outcomes of posting more positive things, and be less generous with complaints and insults. How edifying or encouraging can I be, instead of pouring out my indignancies, discontentments and complaints. Am i subconsciously self-promoting by always trying to tweet something funny, witty, intellectual.

Who knows. Idk. If in the end nothing much changes then it's also okay i guess.
Well, the purpose of the fast is to also spend more time on other more valuable things. So that might be where the real improvement lies at.

We've learned the phrase before: Disconnect to Connect. :)

I'm deep into a book, for example. and learning up Korean. and spending more quality time with friends. and it feels great.

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