Pick Me

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Little swords

Somehow I always feel bad for not being the type of person to speak my mind. I know and understand my personality isnt the most expressive type, so will it also always be a part of me that always regrets holding all my ideas, thoughts, opinions, or even just exclamations in?

I can both consciously withhold and subconsciously just not say things out because i already assume that it is already something obvious, why does it need to be said out again? It most definitely crosses my mind, and I know that I know it. But then when someone (possibly more extroverted) says it out, it seems like the most amusing thing everyone's heard. As if other people don't already know it. Like a joke or a slang that's been going around forever that it's no longer novel to me at all but still amuses someone else to no end.

WOW I sound like a bitter, cynical old lady. How do I make it sound like I'm not a proud know it all. hahah. 

I just mean all this in the context of human interaction. People want to know that others relate to them and have the same thoughts, ideas and types of humor so of course they look out for that and respond more favorably.

What I am probably upset by is that because I don't like to be a person that shows much reaction, I might lose on connecting with others better. 

Another example, sitting in a group of friends which are not your usual group at all and hearing their inner jokes and conversations. and finding none of it to be funny at all, and you think ah that's why you're not part of this group. and you feel like your own group of friends are much more suited to you. if you were to trade places with someone else in this new group, they might think the same of your group too.

I feel like if i'm saying obvious things out or being overly expressive just seems like a ploy to get people to like you, almost as if it were pandering or insincere. like when you're supposed to give a testimony on stage, i have a lot of good things to share, but everything just seems like i'm bragging, and i'm assuming people might be so judgmental. but its not the same when someone else shares, they're just, well, sharing.

In the end though, why is it so wrong to me? is this just a difference in personality that i know just need to accept? well i'm sure it is. but it also sure does annoy me a lot. 

We all have a really warped idea of our own minds, we know all the things going on in our own head of course because it's ours, but how would others know? they can't read minds. not everyone is going to be willing to read micro-expressions or even ask you personally, hey what do you think? to the many other people around in their lives. 

And ironically, some people are completely unaware of this. they can be so caught up with what they already know and get so amused or surprised when somebody says what they're thinking, or worse, immediately assume that no one else knows what they're thinking that when somebody else does say it out they're like wow this person gets me. to me, it's more like, there's a lot of people in this world. you are not the center of it.

So i think thats why people generally feel more attracted towards extroverted people. 

So is what I'm thinking a general thought or feeling of introverted people? or just me?

Okay this feels like i'm going off topic and just all over the place.

I'm not sorry if you don't really understand this post though. This is a jumbled up mess of thoughts actively fueled by the many things going on in my life right now which i am obviously very unsatisfied with and i am, like the gist of this post says, very unwilling to speak my mind about it to anyone, and also still in my social media fast so i can't post vague, angsty and mysterious one liners.

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