Pick Me

Monday, November 16, 2015

Love is

I have such vivid dreams.

I dreamt of  my grandparents again.

I think it's because my granma's birthday just passed, and i was spring cleaning in my room, and found lots of old stuff.

Old photos, old gifts, old letters. I kept letters that my grandparents sent to each other before they got married. Romantic max.

Its funny how sometimes when i dream of my grandparents, there's always an underlying tone of sadness, like I will know it's a dream, and that my current glimpse of them are so precious because they aren't actually around anymore.

First, I dreamt that i could revive them from the dead. and hang out with them just for a bit.

Another one was of my granma, just both of us, doing some shopping. and she was picking some batik or cloth for me, my sis and my cousin krystle. and just her voice, and how she would choose each color for us for a reason. and in the dream she kept saying that it's okay, money doesn't matter, i have nothing to lose anyway.

so heartbreaking.

i really miss them.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Introspective to a fault

massive week of assignment slaying.

and back to my normal diet after being on the gm diet last week.
overall, i lost like 2kgs, which is okay i guess. other people on the internet claim to lose like up to 6 kgs or what. but i'm not fat, i doubt i can/should lose too much weight anyway.

i can also walk better now yay. i still get OKU parking in uni, and walking long distances is really tiring. and like walking down staircases. seriously. and I HATE when i'm like obviously limping and injured and i'm already making my way down slowly on the side of the staircase and there's nobody blocking the other side, WHY do people still have to walk down directly behind me and pressure me.


finished a presentation on tuesday, after staying up late to finish it up consecutive nights. and another submission yesterday morning. and one more tmr morning. needless to say, i'm exhausted. physically and mentally.

i took a whole day off yesterday to just chill. wanted to do some assignment editing but i somehow could not touch any work whatsoever. or lazy to reply my groupmates. i feel so bad now. lol

so i got up early, had milk and cookies. watched a movie. did a workout (EVEN WITH MY ANKLE) .took a super long shower with like scrubs and masks (lush products ftw) and groomed my eyebrows. i made a nice lunch for myself. and watched another movie. had a nap to force myself to catch up on the sleep i've been missing. and lazed around and was on my phone till 12 and went to bed. all this also while feeling quite down and sorry for myself. idk why.

it might be pms. idk.

i was also thinking, which is actually what i came here to post about lol, about how often i blame pms for causing me unnecessary feelings.

I'm so averse to emotions that i need to be able to blame it on a biological process rather than actually addressing my feelings. even now i'm thinking this is crazy, i'm contemplating this too much. by tomorrow i'll probably feel ten times better and look at this and think how nuts i was.

but its not like i don't have things i'm not happy about. obviously i'm still human and there are things which upset me, so why can't i do something about it, the way i see other people do it? i literally can't even talk to my friends about what's going on in my head and how i feel. i have those conversations in my head, and in the end i never do and it never gets dealt with. i always assume for myself that if i really need to or if i gets really bad, then i'll actually do it. otherwise, it shouldnt bother me anyway. let's move past it, and dont be such a baby.

being a logical person and trying to be objective about things all the time can be quite a flaw. i really want to know what it's like to be less concerned about being politically correct or rational or overthink everything. to see the grey between the black and white. to not keep everything or everyone away at an arm's length as a precaution from rejection, failure, or loss of trust. to keep my face and be so atas and not bothered by small things.


not coincidentally, which is to say, separately and not in relation with the above (i think),

this week and the past week has been really spiritually refreshing for me. I've had a new perspective of and from God, which is actually quite simple, but sometimes in the mess of life, it's lost. i've found it again, and found the strength from God to continue on in what seemed to be like a downhill battle. I know there will be times when my resolve falters and i feel beaten down again, then even more so you depend on God.

fine i guess in a way it relates to my feelings above.

i want to make progress.

ps. eating also helps me feel better.