Can you ever just be whelmed?

Turning 27 and let me tell you, adulting never feels real even as you're going through it

I'm sure when we were younger and looking up at working adults that are in relationships and have jobs and cars etc you may think they know what they're doing

And even now at 27 i'm thinking alright those that are married and have kids and idk have things like mortgages like wow some of them are my age and i feel like a child 

Does it feel surreal for you guys, or is it just me

Just working through my life step by step not knowing what you dont know out there

I'm honestly kinda scared i will still be this lost and clueless and in most aspects bring any immature and childish habits into my adulthood

I'm sure nobody ever like evolves to be a perfect version of themselves and step into a distinct threshold of 'successful adult' and get stamped with a big 'PASS' to qualify for the next things

So all you can do is try to improve yourself at every opportunity, just sometimes you feel like you're doing it way too slow at your own pace, and there are people out there just being ballers 

I just feel like things never get finished, or accomplished or i will never reach that point in my head where i feel good about things, or settled - i dont think i'm a paranoid person and i'm not in any way the type that really chases for success, is it just my personality to settle for stuff until the next thing comes along?

This rant doesnt even lead to a point honestly and thats how messy my brain feels

I just feel there's a lot of anxiety about the future and all the things i'm failing at currently you know

I've always imagined myself to be a productive, proactive, go-getter type HAH but we all know i'm not really, or at least not anymore i feel like i have prematurely retired or at least especially compared to the people i know

I had a long rant after this talking about some post modernism vs traditionalist stuff and i'm spiralling

I think as usual i'm just being overly introspective and that happens a lot when i'm alone. usually when i'm with people its VERY refreshing to get out of my head and my friends help me to reaffirm my positive thoughts and distract from my negative ones

so root problem is i'm lonely? haha

i miss my friends and having a proper social calendar, and covid has definitely made things tough 

Just feeling helpless and everything is out of my control. life is a waiting game

This is where having Jesus in my life really helps me. He comforts me and gives me hope, and helps me to see beyond myself 

He teaches me to be grateful for what i have and to empathise with others instead of just looking at my own problems

He helps me to rely on Him to do things that i honestly can't do and He does them in the best way possible

I want to be like Solomon, like if God would grant me something, i wouldnt ask for time, money, talents, etc - i would ask for wisdom

The GREAT thing is, we actually can have faith and ask Him for it and challenge ourselves to practice it by trusting Him and not ourselves

If there's one thing I know is that we're weak and sinful and very easily retreat to the laziest most convenient option which will literally get you nowhere or even backwards

Directionless mmhmm

Also work's been tough 

Back door

It is October and honestly, is 2020 even real

How long will be looking at the face of uncertainty

The things that we have missed for what we thought was just temporary might be much longer out of reach again

There is no more normal

Just things like travelling, concerts, parties, weddings, cinemas like wow

And somethings when you just take a breath and look at things and realize, WOW, a lot of people are really losing their income and livelihood

And here now just being afraid of testing positive 

and also partially afraid of being irreversibly addicted to my devices

But i'm here again to recount my blessings and..uh...name them, um, one by one...

I am ever thankful for:

- the people who are always a source of joy, care, comfort, fun and inspiration in their own ways

- a stable job and income, and getting a promotion in the middle of a pandemic (there's an infinite number of things to be dissatisfied about so let's just look at the good things)

- providence for my future, having options i never thought i would have, and an opportunity to bless others

but i will end on a sad note because my final week before this quarantine i was in Kaison and i nearly cried because they started putting out Christmas deco for sale and its OCTOBER and theres ZERO mood and we cant celebrate with anyone for anything and CNY is soon and i still cant go to Korea or Sibu or wherever omg

Get it get it

HA ok i had some other long philosophical posts in my drafts that i lost interest to finish

but i'm here today for the ever basic, fundamental rant; working professional version

SIENZ at having to just listen and follow some bosses and whomever with the higher ranking or status over you

- its not as if they're being toxic and holding it out on me or whoever beneath them out of ego and pride to get their way la

- honestly if you have the privilege and position to persuade things your way or have people trust your decisions, then good for you

- i probably also have authority issues and dont like not having my full opinion heard like the true entitled millennial i am (honestly not being sarcastic here lol)

- sometimes just gotta trust they're making the right decision with their experience and expertise, or that it honestly shouldn't matter that much to me and nobody should take it personally

- and i gotta be humble and know that i can be wrong and not know everything and not know how it could have turned out anyway if i had my way

- gotta learn from their mistakes and be better authority figure in my own capacity where possible now and in the future; and realize again for the infinite time everyone is just human and making mistakes for a living

- also there really are more important things in life than these silly work thingz so dont have to fret so much about it geez; the other better parts of my life goes ON

- gotta do your best in whatever crappy circumstances that you have; the true mark of success is someone who can still thrive in adverse conditions right right right

- be grateful and learn LEARN soMEhOw to find the joy and blessing in any situation

and thats me; the life and troubles of a working professional ikan bilis kucilek potato in the red-tape bureaucratic traditional stifling corporate world

if my bosses ever read this well, i'm proud you could find your way here congrats

Let me introduce you to some new thangs

Hello it's 2020! What a year to be alive in, and such extreme circumstances have driven me back here.

Before diving back in to 2017, 2018 and 2019, I have to talk about what's happening now. You wouldn't believe it, it's like we're in a movie.

It has been almost 40 days of lockdown, and possibly another month to go. I'm truly stumped at what to type next actually. Hmm.

I'm gonna be selfish and shallow here, because it's my space ok? We cannot be politically correct 100% of the time, and me having this perspective doesn't mean I lose sight on all other perspectives. Take a breather, you liberals.

Biggest slice of my life unfortunately goes to my work life. Just trying to work to my normal office hours everyday. I looooovvee not having to wake up early, and spend a minimum of 2-3 hours JUST FOR COMMUTE. Practically, its great to be in pajamas all day. I have my one token shirt to look presentable in video calls from the neck up. I mean, suddenly I see my huge closet and think, these realllly aren't necessary.

Tasks wise we only prioritize the urgent and important things, which if i think about it, most of my tasks seem more cosmetic, and 'non essential'. I'm just happy to be in an essential industry, even getting a proper share of bonus and increment despite it all. Who knew that I'd be thanking my prudent self for somehow ending up in this conventional, and corporate, but very secure, workplace. If millennials never believed in job security before like the generations before us, we're in for a really stark reality.

That being said, i worry endlessly about the jobs of others and the economy. I know there are people really struggling, and these are just the underdogs we're aware of and rooting for. It must be exponentially bad for those much less fortunate that don't even cross our mind or get any coverage. So here I am, ultimately thankful, and trying to be less superficial and materialistic about my own selfish future.

Things really won't be the same for a long time. I picture my average lifestyle: going out for a shopping trip in a mall, having a birthday meal with friends, catching a movie in the cinema, a run in the park, badminton games. Then things like church on the weekends, travelling or parties for the holidays, concerts and tournaments. I SHOULD BE IN KOREA NOW.

Few months ago we wouldn't think any of this would be a luxury. Now i really miss it. and will miss it for many months from here till a there's a miracle.

The introvert in me is thriving. Alone time is still very enjoyable, in fact, too enjoyable, and makes me worried. I have more control on what I do in a day, in my own space, with minimal obligations to others. I'm worried I won't be able to weather the everyday crowds once we're back out there. But what I know from my 27 (I'M 27!) years of living, is that being with people helps you to grow and love others, tolerate them as they tolerate you. You build being patient, understanding and considerate towards friends, peers, strangers, especially those that are hard to not dislike.

My ONE trip out to Village Grocer reminded me of those people. Extra loud and crude aunties talking over the vegetables, that one guy who cut my queue and the girl that parked extra near to my car. Life is like that.

I try and fail at productivity of course. I'm stuck on my Daniel Kahneman book, it's good, but the focus to read is a long lost discipline (i blame digital addiction). I've cleaned and sorted everything I can, I even painted my sister's old room and set up my temporary (LONG TERM) office/gym. I workout quite regularly, although i'm not too sure how effective it is, but its sure better than my fully sedentary self.

I miss my long runs, on the track or treadmill. All my current workout routines are helping to tone and build strength, but i miss the satisfaction of doing that 5k run, which i think is most effective for me in losing weight. Although i do think i've lost weight, i can control my meals better at home of course.

My parents lovingly prepare a juice for me every morning, and while some meals are just average, i do enjoy my everyday meals. At the beginning, eating and finding food was such a chore, but now at least i know it breaks up the day in less overwhelming portions.

And generally i enjoy things like ramen and toast hahah. Oh and all the money saved!

I do miss church a lot. My weekends spent at church has been a regular routine for years and years and years, and suddenly such a long break. Personally, i think for me it was a good break. But after about the third week, i started feeling really sappy about my friends there, seeing all the happy church kids and babies, and mostly, painfully, is praise and worship together.

Worshiping on our own is great. Being able to declare and sing about God out loud, among people who feel the same way, is a different experience altogether.

Anyway, this is all for today. I'm lazy. I dont know how i managed to write so much last time.