Pick Me

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Biggest fears

Hi, can't seem to study now. So just a post on something on my mind this week/weekend.

Wanted to write this in a personal journal, but ah, why not here. Maybe I can encourage someone. or not. who knows.

Idk if its obvious or not how upset I am with my stupid sprained ankle, until now. Its more than a whole month now. and how it's in my personality to be annoyed with myself over feeling upset over a 'small' issue.

Its actually just a temporary inconvenience, and in the whole span of my lifetime, it only robs me of a total of maybe 3 months max? There will come a day when I'll be able to scamper down the staircase, run 2km in 10 minutes, kick a ball in futsal and all those wonderful things I took for granted before, and life will be back to normal. I won't have to park at the OKU spot anymore, and I can walk up and down in the entirety of shopping malls, and even wear high heels again.

But for now I really really miss these things. It really sucks that I can't do any of it, and i can't help but get snappy at anyone who can't remember to empathize with me, and ask me if i would like to play captain ball or badminton as i do on saturdays.

Because at the root of it, the sprained ankle was an accident and a mistake. I seem to hold really high standards for myself and sometimes i'm real sore loser at life. I always go back to the moment of how just one second of reckless captain ball-interception could result in this. Essentially it's crazy because it's something that i do all the time, and now it just freaks me out about all the injury possibilities in the future.

What a wimpy pot i'll be in bubble wrap. :( and not to mention how people keep telling me how prone i'll be to future ankle injuries. what. the. crap. right. even more of these consequences for that one tiny mistake. and the costs. this plus the wisdom tooth surgery made sure my parents splashed about 600 bucks on doctors fees in just three months.

*general disclaimer: don't take things that I say here personally, i totally understand why people act the way they do, i know i'd be in their shoes too

Overall, i really hate not being at 100% capacity in my everyday life. About how many things I have to miss out on and how incapable i feel all the time. I dont like making people wait on me, I don't like the looks i get from limping, I don't like to be pitied on. (Empathized with yes, but easily becomes pity)

But in the end, there are really valuable lessons for me to learn throughout, which I believe are more supernatural than not. I would also like to state that I'm not a person that's overly paranoid and jumps to conclusions.

I think no, I KNOW that I have a lot of pride issues. As in having too much of it lol. I may be overly self-dependent and i have high expectations of others, in which they usually fail. I know that I'm good in most things that I do, with less effort needed to be put in as compared with others. I'm really self assured in my abilities and capabilities. I'm even assured of my ability to gauge my excellence with no bias-ness towards myself. How crazy is that.

and I've know all this since i was like 15. of course i also have times of low-self esteem, but i feel like that's temporary. my general thoughts of myself are generally too good. hahaha. at the same time, I've also always known that it's been a big flaw in my life, and many times places a barrier on my relationships with people, and especially with God.

I try very hard to be humble, both humanly and biblically. it's been a rough and tough struggle throughout the years, but it is just so easy to fall back on being self dependent. especially when things go well for you, you can't help to pat yourself on your own back and lament on how nub everyone else is.

few months before my tooth and ankle issues, i also felt that i wasnt doing well spiritually. i seemed to be hitting a dead end with my quiet time and prayer life every week and feeling more and more discouraged to a point of just being numb. and going with the flow. as i assume most people do.

i also had this impending sense of God's impatience with me. now, I know God is gracious, but I also know he does not tolerate sin, especially when I'm knowingly doing it. Even if I try my hardest, and fail, and repent, and repeat the cycle.

and then all this nonsense happened. and what was scary to me the first few days was how God might have just allowed all this to happen. how He might have abandoned me. and it's completely rational okay, how many bible verses do we see about God turning away. it was the first time in my life that I felt His covering wasnt extended to me anymore. As i have mentioned before above, things generally go well for me, I havent had any major catastrophes in my life. So this really did scare me.

I also related this to my serving on the worship team in 365. I had to miss THREE consecutive worship duties because of my tooth and foot and I had a feeling it had more to do than coincidence. Call me crazy, but I felt like if God could have smacked me off stage there and then, He would have. My spiritual life was in no way up to standard and I had no sincerity in my worship. How would I be able to help lead a congregation to worship? I'm also relating this to other parts of my life, in which my testimony would have been questionable, even if not to others, God can see everything.

So being forced to be home so often, and being in such a sorry state emotionally and mentally, I did manage to get myself right with God. It's no finish line I know, it's a progress. and it's a progress I'm happy to say is gaining momentum till now. it's not all rainbows and sunshine, but it's a struggle i can always surrender to God.

at first, I was completely reassured of His love for me. and even at the first week I was back in 365 and back on worship duty, even the worship leader was emphasizing that God loves us despite our mistakes. the principle of God's love is so strong and so unconditional that we cant fully comprehend, but it's a love thats like no other. I was reminded of His graciousness and faithfulness, and how I don't have to strive for perfection, He already loves me. The same way I aim to be serve Him and be excellent because He is who He is, and not because I can expect Him to do bless me in some way.

and over time, my quiet time and prayer life has improved. :)

and the last few weeks, I was just starkly reminded about my pride issues again, and how this has helped me to make even more progress. I begin to think I take myself and sports and fitness too seriously. The past two years I've obsessed with fitness and fatness and looks and how all of that contributes to my pride. How I can easily spend so much time in the gym and yet fail to spend even 15 minutes with Him at home. I remember the thoughts going through my mind prior to my injury that day, and it's too ugly for me to post them here. If I was God I'd slap me too. so maybe this is the time I learn how to rely less on sports and fitness to make myself feel better than others.

lastly, I learned another big fat lesson yesterday in church during Ps John Mulinde's sermon. about how God gives and God takes away. and how my life in fact, isnt actually mine. or my foot or my comfort or my achievements. and how painfully obvious that I don't need to be or feel like 100% of the best version of myself, because then where would there be space for God in my life?

it really hit me like a ton of bricks. being so self reliant that you really actually don't rely on God for anything. my joy and confidence can and should come from my solid relationship with Him. and how even in any trials, I should give glory to Him.

i knew all of these things for many years, but head knowledge is different than faith. theory isn't application. I'm really glad I had the chance to re-learn all these this past few months before I digressed any further from the person God wants me to be.

Like I said, there are many things still left to be conquered, but I'm glad that there is progress.

Such a long post. K bai.