Pick Me

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Surrendering crowns.

Here we go, another year ends. Officially turned 23 years old which is what I call 'legit adulthood'.

The first thing that would come to mind about 2016 for me would be that it was tough. I'm not sure how I remember previous years (you can look up previous posts i guess if you want), other than of course my STPM year, but that was tough in a different way.

This year was a whole hot mess of things I can't even begin to say good riddance to. I might just be extra melodramatic, sentimental and nostalgic here at this moment writing this post and thinking about the events of the year which stood out in a bitter lens of disgust. But I'm also here to make peace with myself to know and understand that as all the other things in life, it has and will shape me into a better person if I can learn from them and be grateful for all the good things in between.

The past 5 months have also been incredible though in helping me move on and also gain the most valuable experiences. Being this free in terms of career and studies for this amount of time is such a privilege and I'm sad that it will come to an end soon. It serves a dual purpose though in actually making me excited to have a purpose in the working world when I head into it. Though I still can't say exactly that I know what I want in life or where to go (strictly in the career aspect), at least there is less doom and dread than if I had jumped straight in.

My highlight would of course have to be my month in South Korea, I still miss it so much and please allow me to be exaggerated on this, but I feel like my heart literally aches that I'm no longer there. In the city, on the subway, eating their food, hearing and speaking (hacking up) the language, living the independent life. Even seeing places that I used to visit or eat at on tv or other people's pictures, videos, snaps etc makes me want to turn it off and distract myself from how much I miss it. But I know, it's over.

Secondly would be my youth camp in which I got to be on the planning committee. That was a tough experience too as I've gotten a bit rusty in not being in a church event committee for like 1 and 1/2 years before that, and working closely with different people. Besides noticing my many flaws, the camp itself also helped me realize how very real God is and He will do what He wants, how He wants and when He wants despite all the planning and expecting you think you can do. I had a lot of questions answered and I believe that His anointing is upon our youth and I'm excited in the direction we're heading to. Realistically it will take even more hard work, obedience and faith but if there is going to be growth and a revival, I want to be a part of it. I've been in youth camps for almost a decade and I remember the past as fresh as the present especially when it's in the same camp site, it's a myriad of flashbacks and it feels like it's mirrored in the lives of those younger than me

Mostly I think back on this time last year, on relationships/friendships lost, developed, weakened and strengthened. Lots of regrets and just feeling sorry for how some things have turned out, but also knowing that my friendship now is purposeful to other people. My ultimate realization of the year is that other people matter the most. As in how you can impact someone positively. Means being less concerned about myself and seeing how I can benefit others. Because if one day I'm gone, my achievements and investments would mean nothing to no one if they weren't actually meant for anyone. and that's my continued direction for 2017.

I've said all I could say about my uni life so that's over forever :D

One last thing, on which I'm sorry to be extra vague and cryptic but too bad it's my blog so just live with it, is the other thing which has made this year so tough for me;

There are many stages of moving on, and I wouldn't have believed it when it was at the worst, that it actually can and will get better, time will pass and hurts will heal. I mean there was a time where I all wanted to do was run away and be alone and do things like look at the horizon/stare into space and think about endless things, which I also don't know is a healthy way of coping or what. And it's funny because if you told me that this is how sappy I would be before this entire episode even happened, I also wouldn't believe you and I would think of myself too cool for something like that. Well here is the latest version of me smirking at all that I thought I knew. So yes, now there is more acceptance leading to more peace and joy and hope for whatever comes my way. I will continue to try and do my best on my part but ready to accept lousy circumstances which are for sure to come. Forgiveness comes in many forms and phases so if in the very least it is evolving then I will accept that as a better direction than being stagnant, or worse, forming into bitterness and hatred. I'm a bit annoyed that when I think back on 2016, that this whole part will be considered as an embarrassing, hurtful and unnecessary part of the year, but I know deeper down it will all be fine.

k bai.