Break

Rant post srsly prepare yourself

Because i'm tired of talking about this issue with different people, and God bless them I love them for their advice, encouragement and love, but I'm physically and mentally tired of verbalising things out and hearing more things that i know but dont wanna hear anymore

I learned how to be truly honest with myself and my expectations, because well at least now I know, i'm still at about the same place i was at since i was 14. how unhealthy is that. I learned every new principle and rule and character development i thought i could, but to get this again. now. at this phase of life. like a real slap in the face.

I think it's worse when i thought me being less emotional, i can handle this but nope. no. this weight bears on me like a truck. if i knew that this kind of feeling is still a possibility within my system, i would have run away from the beginning. but sometimes you trick yourself and think that i will deal with this later. let me tell you. the pleasure is never worth the pain.

I'm more angry at circumstances than at the people involved. and rather, annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. how shallow and naive i was at the beginning, and how this sets me back again for goodness how long.

I really just have to convince myself of what I know. it's not a hopeless situation. everybody in this situation can be helped. i will take time. i for one should know that. but for now it's gonna suck and you're maybe gonna be able to see my face of hopelessness. now more than ever, I have to learn how to trust God and trust His plan for me, for everybody, and that even if nothing good ever happens again, that God can and will be enough for me.

I'm gonna have to keep my mind from wandering and keep re-aligning my expectations because the outcome, however good or bad, still will not solve all my problems in life. You pour out so much of yourself into an empty hope for no good reason. But I need to remember that there will be a better future and it will be how God wants it to be, because me, or anybody's expectations are so finite and selfish that you want something that is actually nothing.

But for now i'm just so tired and now more than ever, i really really want to not feel anything anymore.

PS This is the most perfect time in my life to be able to go to Korea. for a month. this is what i want, and i'm thankful to have it for the first time. I actually get to put aside my responsibilities and obligations and trucks or whatever and take time for myself to really figure things out.

yes, this is my quarter-life existential crisis.

okay rant over. i really need to study for literally the last finals of my uni life, and not be bothered by this trivial, but very real, issue.


agh