Biggest fears

Hi, can't seem to study now. So just a post on something on my mind this week/weekend.

Wanted to write this in a personal journal, but ah, why not here. Maybe I can encourage someone. or not. who knows.

Idk if its obvious or not how upset I am with my stupid sprained ankle, until now. Its more than a whole month now. and how it's in my personality to be annoyed with myself over feeling upset over a 'small' issue.

Its actually just a temporary inconvenience, and in the whole span of my lifetime, it only robs me of a total of maybe 3 months max? There will come a day when I'll be able to scamper down the staircase, run 2km in 10 minutes, kick a ball in futsal and all those wonderful things I took for granted before, and life will be back to normal. I won't have to park at the OKU spot anymore, and I can walk up and down in the entirety of shopping malls, and even wear high heels again.

But for now I really really miss these things. It really sucks that I can't do any of it, and i can't help but get snappy at anyone who can't remember to empathize with me, and ask me if i would like to play captain ball or badminton as i do on saturdays.

Because at the root of it, the sprained ankle was an accident and a mistake. I seem to hold really high standards for myself and sometimes i'm real sore loser at life. I always go back to the moment of how just one second of reckless captain ball-interception could result in this. Essentially it's crazy because it's something that i do all the time, and now it just freaks me out about all the injury possibilities in the future.

What a wimpy pot i'll be in bubble wrap. :( and not to mention how people keep telling me how prone i'll be to future ankle injuries. what. the. crap. right. even more of these consequences for that one tiny mistake. and the costs. this plus the wisdom tooth surgery made sure my parents splashed about 600 bucks on doctors fees in just three months.

*general disclaimer: don't take things that I say here personally, i totally understand why people act the way they do, i know i'd be in their shoes too

Overall, i really hate not being at 100% capacity in my everyday life. About how many things I have to miss out on and how incapable i feel all the time. I dont like making people wait on me, I don't like the looks i get from limping, I don't like to be pitied on. (Empathized with yes, but easily becomes pity)

But in the end, there are really valuable lessons for me to learn throughout, which I believe are more supernatural than not. I would also like to state that I'm not a person that's overly paranoid and jumps to conclusions.

I think no, I KNOW that I have a lot of pride issues. As in having too much of it lol. I may be overly self-dependent and i have high expectations of others, in which they usually fail. I know that I'm good in most things that I do, with less effort needed to be put in as compared with others. I'm really self assured in my abilities and capabilities. I'm even assured of my ability to gauge my excellence with no bias-ness towards myself. How crazy is that.

and I've know all this since i was like 15. of course i also have times of low-self esteem, but i feel like that's temporary. my general thoughts of myself are generally too good. hahaha. at the same time, I've also always known that it's been a big flaw in my life, and many times places a barrier on my relationships with people, and especially with God.

I try very hard to be humble, both humanly and biblically. it's been a rough and tough struggle throughout the years, but it is just so easy to fall back on being self dependent. especially when things go well for you, you can't help to pat yourself on your own back and lament on how nub everyone else is.

few months before my tooth and ankle issues, i also felt that i wasnt doing well spiritually. i seemed to be hitting a dead end with my quiet time and prayer life every week and feeling more and more discouraged to a point of just being numb. and going with the flow. as i assume most people do.

i also had this impending sense of God's impatience with me. now, I know God is gracious, but I also know he does not tolerate sin, especially when I'm knowingly doing it. Even if I try my hardest, and fail, and repent, and repeat the cycle.

and then all this nonsense happened. and what was scary to me the first few days was how God might have just allowed all this to happen. how He might have abandoned me. and it's completely rational okay, how many bible verses do we see about God turning away. it was the first time in my life that I felt His covering wasnt extended to me anymore. As i have mentioned before above, things generally go well for me, I havent had any major catastrophes in my life. So this really did scare me.

I also related this to my serving on the worship team in 365. I had to miss THREE consecutive worship duties because of my tooth and foot and I had a feeling it had more to do than coincidence. Call me crazy, but I felt like if God could have smacked me off stage there and then, He would have. My spiritual life was in no way up to standard and I had no sincerity in my worship. How would I be able to help lead a congregation to worship? I'm also relating this to other parts of my life, in which my testimony would have been questionable, even if not to others, God can see everything.

So being forced to be home so often, and being in such a sorry state emotionally and mentally, I did manage to get myself right with God. It's no finish line I know, it's a progress. and it's a progress I'm happy to say is gaining momentum till now. it's not all rainbows and sunshine, but it's a struggle i can always surrender to God.

at first, I was completely reassured of His love for me. and even at the first week I was back in 365 and back on worship duty, even the worship leader was emphasizing that God loves us despite our mistakes. the principle of God's love is so strong and so unconditional that we cant fully comprehend, but it's a love thats like no other. I was reminded of His graciousness and faithfulness, and how I don't have to strive for perfection, He already loves me. The same way I aim to be serve Him and be excellent because He is who He is, and not because I can expect Him to do bless me in some way.

and over time, my quiet time and prayer life has improved. :)

and the last few weeks, I was just starkly reminded about my pride issues again, and how this has helped me to make even more progress. I begin to think I take myself and sports and fitness too seriously. The past two years I've obsessed with fitness and fatness and looks and how all of that contributes to my pride. How I can easily spend so much time in the gym and yet fail to spend even 15 minutes with Him at home. I remember the thoughts going through my mind prior to my injury that day, and it's too ugly for me to post them here. If I was God I'd slap me too. so maybe this is the time I learn how to rely less on sports and fitness to make myself feel better than others.

lastly, I learned another big fat lesson yesterday in church during Ps John Mulinde's sermon. about how God gives and God takes away. and how my life in fact, isnt actually mine. or my foot or my comfort or my achievements. and how painfully obvious that I don't need to be or feel like 100% of the best version of myself, because then where would there be space for God in my life?

it really hit me like a ton of bricks. being so self reliant that you really actually don't rely on God for anything. my joy and confidence can and should come from my solid relationship with Him. and how even in any trials, I should give glory to Him.

i knew all of these things for many years, but head knowledge is different than faith. theory isn't application. I'm really glad I had the chance to re-learn all these this past few months before I digressed any further from the person God wants me to be.

Like I said, there are many things still left to be conquered, but I'm glad that there is progress.

Such a long post. K bai.

Love is

I have such vivid dreams.

I dreamt of  my grandparents again.

I think it's because my granma's birthday just passed, and i was spring cleaning in my room, and found lots of old stuff.

Old photos, old gifts, old letters. I kept letters that my grandparents sent to each other before they got married. Romantic max.

Its funny how sometimes when i dream of my grandparents, there's always an underlying tone of sadness, like I will know it's a dream, and that my current glimpse of them are so precious because they aren't actually around anymore.

First, I dreamt that i could revive them from the dead. and hang out with them just for a bit.

Another one was of my granma, just both of us, doing some shopping. and she was picking some batik or cloth for me, my sis and my cousin krystle. and just her voice, and how she would choose each color for us for a reason. and in the dream she kept saying that it's okay, money doesn't matter, i have nothing to lose anyway.

so heartbreaking.

i really miss them.

Introspective to a fault

massive week of assignment slaying.

and back to my normal diet after being on the gm diet last week.
overall, i lost like 2kgs, which is okay i guess. other people on the internet claim to lose like up to 6 kgs or what. but i'm not fat, i doubt i can/should lose too much weight anyway.

i can also walk better now yay. i still get OKU parking in uni, and walking long distances is really tiring. and like walking down staircases. seriously. and I HATE when i'm like obviously limping and injured and i'm already making my way down slowly on the side of the staircase and there's nobody blocking the other side, WHY do people still have to walk down directly behind me and pressure me.

anyway.

finished a presentation on tuesday, after staying up late to finish it up consecutive nights. and another submission yesterday morning. and one more tmr morning. needless to say, i'm exhausted. physically and mentally.

i took a whole day off yesterday to just chill. wanted to do some assignment editing but i somehow could not touch any work whatsoever. or lazy to reply my groupmates. i feel so bad now. lol

so i got up early, had milk and cookies. watched a movie. did a workout (EVEN WITH MY ANKLE) .took a super long shower with like scrubs and masks (lush products ftw) and groomed my eyebrows. i made a nice lunch for myself. and watched another movie. had a nap to force myself to catch up on the sleep i've been missing. and lazed around and was on my phone till 12 and went to bed. all this also while feeling quite down and sorry for myself. idk why.

it might be pms. idk.

i was also thinking, which is actually what i came here to post about lol, about how often i blame pms for causing me unnecessary feelings.

I'm so averse to emotions that i need to be able to blame it on a biological process rather than actually addressing my feelings. even now i'm thinking this is crazy, i'm contemplating this too much. by tomorrow i'll probably feel ten times better and look at this and think how nuts i was.

but its not like i don't have things i'm not happy about. obviously i'm still human and there are things which upset me, so why can't i do something about it, the way i see other people do it? i literally can't even talk to my friends about what's going on in my head and how i feel. i have those conversations in my head, and in the end i never do and it never gets dealt with. i always assume for myself that if i really need to or if i gets really bad, then i'll actually do it. otherwise, it shouldnt bother me anyway. let's move past it, and dont be such a baby.

being a logical person and trying to be objective about things all the time can be quite a flaw. i really want to know what it's like to be less concerned about being politically correct or rational or overthink everything. to see the grey between the black and white. to not keep everything or everyone away at an arm's length as a precaution from rejection, failure, or loss of trust. to keep my face and be so atas and not bothered by small things.

WELL

not coincidentally, which is to say, separately and not in relation with the above (i think),

this week and the past week has been really spiritually refreshing for me. I've had a new perspective of and from God, which is actually quite simple, but sometimes in the mess of life, it's lost. i've found it again, and found the strength from God to continue on in what seemed to be like a downhill battle. I know there will be times when my resolve falters and i feel beaten down again, then even more so you depend on God.

fine i guess in a way it relates to my feelings above.

i want to make progress.

ps. eating also helps me feel better.

New perpectives

OMG hi gaiz. hi. omg.

Firstly, let's start with my wisdom tooth. Started to hurt on a Thursday night, when I was out with Matt and Willie to watch The Martian. I thought it was just a random gum inflammation or ulcer or whatever. But it started getting worse and worse and by Sunday I was legit going crazy because of the pain. I could barely eat anything seriously.

I don't have a regular dentist so I just parked my car in Taipan and walked up to the first one I saw. Apparently there are tons of dentists there lol. and yeap, dentist confirmed it was a wisdom tooth. She said I should give three days for antibiotics to reduce the swelling then only take it out.

But Friday I had a mid-term, and Saturday I had wedding. I was concerned about the pain, and food I wanted to eat lol. So I thought I could wait till next Monday. But during the week again I was dying even though I was on strong painkillers. So I was like whatever I'll just get it removed on Friday after my exam.

It didn't really hurt, because of the anesthetic. But boy did it bleed and bleed. and so ngam that Friday evening also my period cramps were onz like mad. One of my worst days ever. Even with painkillers.

Overall, during this time I was eating mostly porridge, soft noodles, juices, smoothies and whatever that wasnt hard to chew. By then i was planning to eat all the wonderful things of the world the moment my wound closed (i had stitches in my gums). Also, with the pain, busyness and other health restrictions, i wasnt really able to exercise or gym or whatever.

And then one really hectic week of uni passed by. and by Saturday morning i was so ready to play some captain ball and return to my normal life. and like 5 minutes into captain ball, I sprained my ankle. It wasnt a familiar pain, i've never got such a serious injury before. and it swelled up. and i couldnt walk. went to the doctor to get it checked. he gave some meds.

That Saturday and Sunday I couldn't walk at all. It was really depressing, as it the inconvenience of the whole situation really hit me. i couldn't go to church, couldn't drive or whatever. and I had to miss the Bethel concert.

The whole time I was trying keep positive, like maybe it isnt a bad sprain. but the swelling was bad, and the pain was bad and yeah. the more i had to come to terms with the consequences, the more upset i felt. I really thank God for good friends to encourage me. and my parents, who can't say nice things to me, but can really do nice things for me. its how they show their love.

Other than missing a concert, i was also worried about my big uni presentation, which was on Tuesday, that i couldnt miss. So every morning i woke up hoping to be able to walk. and i couldnt. i was literally dreaming that i could walk every time i fell asleep. that's how much you can take walking for granted.

well, praise the Lord. Tuesday morning i could walk. now, i had the option to get a wheelchair or crutches or whatever. but those seem more inconvenient for me and my friends who had to help me. but i could walk. so thats fine. besides my feet going into a hideous shade of purple, it was pretty fine.

another thing which i was concerned with was my dental stitches. which should have been out by Saturday. the longer they were there the higher the risk of another infection. so i thought might as well get it done with and then rest on thursday and friday.

well the week passed by. spending so much time on the couch due to my tooth and my foot really can drive you mad. the time passes by SO slowly, and yet SO quickly at the same time. and so bummed that i probably can't really run or exercise much in the next two months. no captain ball, no badminton :(

overall, i guess there were lessons for me to learn in all of it. for someone as proud as me, relying heavily on others and being handicapped really tested me mentally. and it will continue to be like that until my foot fully recovers. as of now, about 10 days after the incident, i can walk, but with a limp, and really slowly. really don't like people looking at me cos of how i walk. and if i walk too much, it swells up again. but my life has to go on like normal though, i have uni and other stuff. at least i can also drive now. i really missed driving.

kay lah not so terrible lah not like jason, ben, ye sheng or sharlene that like fractured their leg lah. don't want too much pity also. hahaha.

also, anything that requires lots of walking like SHOPPING also cannot. cry die me.

but at least all this helps me to sit down and just do the tons and tons of work i have.


at this moment too, me and su-ann are on the gm diet. you can look it up yourself. i lazy to justify it. but the diet is so strict and again I realize how much you can take eating for granted too lol.

crazy cravings for all types of food. halp me.

Where to go, what to do

Just trying to bounce my thoughts off myself for a sec. Yeah what a me thing to do rather than to discuss this with actual people.

Trying to decide where to intern. I both know and don't know why this is such a big decision for me. It will make a difference on my resume, it will change my perceptions on the field of work, and it will decide the people I get to meet. But at the same time, anywhere I go will be a good experience, both personally and professionally.

I really regret not doing a second internship earlier this year. Now that my upcoming internship is my last before I actually get a real job. Why is everything happening so fast suddenly har

Biggest crossroad at the moment is deciding between a big or small company. I know the pros and cons of both. and I don't know which one I prefer.

I know at this time I'm also a bit jaded with the current heaviness of the semester so I can't even begin to fathom myself starting to do actual work again which may be difficult and tedious. I don't know if I want to continue harping on the design train and do something I'm already good at, or take on new things like writing articles and managing social media (which seems boring and conventional) what do PR/Marketing interns even do anyway? Probably organize events again, or plan workshops etc.

Perhaps it's the blurred lines that comes with this field, social sciences that comprises of communications/media/design/pr/marketing/sales and I'm lucky enough to be able to do all those things. If I learned actual coding and web design I'll be unstoppable. the tech field has so much potential.

Gotta find some passion and ambition in my frame of mind, otherwise it's like just choosing blindly and hope for the best. or worst yet, choosing one for the sake of good pay.

maybe it's because i'm on the bed/couch for like 20 hours a day due to my injury.

i will probably blog about THAT when i'm less negative about it too.

lost stars

I bet you this latest bout of disappointment and hopelessness is because of my pms again. SO ANNOYING because it feels so real, and like i should make big life decisions now or something.

can epiphanies and holy spirit promptings also not come around this time please. lol.

idk how i got myself into this little hole i've been digging up for years now.

you think you want something, but there's always a flipside of disappointment lurking underneath it

silly silly silly me.



give me one week and the world will be sunshine again.
but the problem doesn't disappear lah.
just how i feel about it.

where are you now

just the whole day contemplating and entertaining the thought of how perpetually and extremely single i am.

i don't feel like i'm being picky. it's illogical to think that anyone in any (serious) relationship would pick someone they wouldn't deem suitable right. the opposite of picky is to be openly accepting. how polygamous. 

idk.

relationships, romantic or not, are such a chore and so many feelings have to be considered. i already have a tough time trying to handle mine then i also have to handle yours. goodness.

overall i'm very tired of over-analyzing my thoughts and (lack of) feelings. i think i will be okay being celibate.

lol.

k bai.

Odd

I'm gonna give you three principles.

These are not my life-defining principles, but they're pretty important to me. and they've have just been on my mind a lot more these past few months.


1. Limitless stretching.

Whether by circumstances in life, external pressures, internal pressures or anything, I've always felt that you always have to do more or give more than you think you can. Like rising to the occasion, and then rising above it.

Just when you think you've done your best and given your all, something else comes along the way to make you work harder. If you look back and think about it, I guess that's how we all grow and change. By coming out of comfort zones.

Like, logically, if you look at the task ahead of you, you just can't imagine doing it with the resources or ability that you have, but have no choice, just do it, and then be amazed by how capable you actually can be.

Gotta accept that whatever you think you know or understand, sometimes there's more and that you gotta accept it no matter how difficult it is if you want to be better.

Apply this to everything. Your studies, your relationships, your thoughts, perceptions and ideas, your talents, your character.

Which leads me to the next point.



2. Question everything.

Ignorance stems from believing you already know everything right? We should always be prepared to take everything with a pinch of salt. Don't believe every facebook post you see with a catchy tag.

I don't know if what i'm championing might just be a form of post-modernist thinking, but i'm just saying: don't be so gullible.

I know this might be a tiring notion, and i know that in under some situations, trust and faith outweighs the need to be so speculative. Why waste your time with being paranoid right. Right. I don't like overly uptight, conscious and kiasu people either, but there's a difference between that and blind acceptance alright.

and sometimes the things and people you place your faith and trust on are also in the end just human. except God.

but even religion. nobody ever said that religion was meant for the blind to lead the blind. we all make a choice to believe in what we believe, and we have the faith to believe it and then accept it.



3. You are your biggest obstacle.

In the end, we all have a choice of what we want in life. As much as people and circumstances affect you, you choose how to accept it. You decide whats more important for you right? and if you want to limit yourself because of pride or anything, then in the end the person that suffers most is you.


                                                                           ---------

Okay, after reading what I wrote, I guess it's for a pretty narrow string of thoughts lah. There are always other factors and circumstances that can be easier said than done. Maybe i'll just spew out my thoughts more here instead of being so passively driven to give a self righteous lecture.

I don't even know who reads this blog anymore, I suppose Zach and Aaron, because you guys commented on my posts recently. (thankiu :D) and maybe Carmen. idk.

Here goes.

Those three things above come to my mind most when I'm trying to comprehend my latest big life decision. A lot of logic can be set aside with this, because in essence, it is illogical, and das why i cannot comprehend it and das why i am here with this dilemma. and das why i've got to resort to some other method of decision making because a logical one cannot fit in this illogical problem. ugh.

I suppose this is another season of stretching for me, in terms of my serving and sacrifice for church, and in extent, for God. The many years of being a Christian and being in FGT has molded me into whatever I am now. I have done what seemed to be impossible things over the years, and come out of the other end utterly blessed and in awe of how God takes care of me. I suppose my perspective of how life is and should be has also been continually stretched.

and now again, I have to be stretched even more. I guess. I said it so myself above. There's no full stop in all of this. In my understanding of Christianity, my church, sacrifice and leadership. in placing any certain amount of importance on secular things like studies, friendships, romantic relationships, and money. above all, trusting that God has a better plan will always be an ongoing process.

AT the same time, i also have to start questioning again on how limitless this actually has to be. part of growing into adulthood is coming into independent thinking and not everything should be spoon fed to you anymore.

is submission and blind allegiance not the same thing? maybe the illogical part of this situation just has to be applied, and that it may be what God wants for me.

of course like any other self crisis, internal conflicts also play a part.

When for so long you have believed in a person or an institution as the truth, alongside your own, with of course you trying to align yourself along the way when suddenly it takes such a turn, that maybe it is too difficult or not correct anymore.

This is why people make such drastic life changes I suppose.

which leads to the last point.

What if in the end, you limiting yourself would cause you your biggest regret. If you had actually pulled up your socks and made it through, that you had the chance to be better, but you took the easier path, the path of self-importance, or pride or convenience.

and what if you know that the deviated path was the wrong one. that not everything in life also has to be a struggle. you also know yourself and what you want. where you want to go and what you want to achieve and how it is.



i think i am not making any sense.
but thats exactly how my thoughts are at the moment. i also can't figure this out.

i just have to say that i am really, really disappointed. and that until now I cannot find a single thing about this that i agree with.

i'm trying my best to be reasonable.

but like i said, it's just illogical.

and you said it so yourself too.

You kids can't do this

Actually i don't have time to be posting this, but my sanity is on the line here okay.

Tuesday:
1. Korean recording assignment
2. Entrepreneurship essay assignment
3. Business X-Culture Report assignment
4. Korean Mid-term Exam

Wednesday:
5. E-marketing Midterm Exam

Friday:
6. Interactive Media Group Assignment 3

Next Monday:
7. Entrepreneurship Mid-term Exam
8. Consumer Behavior Mid-term Exam

i'm a bit on edge lah. but i don't want to complain to every body about this crazy schedule. every night i 'sleep' and on my mind is x culture x culture x culture i'm so worried ahmagahhhh


and no, I have no started studying for any of those midterms. hahahaha.
k bai.

Being the best at second best

It's really easy to be a football fan when (almost) everything is going well for your team. They're winning consistently, playing more fluidly, less injuries, trophy potential stuff. There's such a joy and security in your team that you're almost literally itching to see them at the next game. then you have match reviews, previews, news, tactics breakdowns, podcasts and you just can't get enough.

I remember when I first started falling in love with Arsenal. it seemed like they could do no wrong. and even when i was a football noob i could tell that the way they played and the club environment was just so different. 

But I guess the more you invest yourself and the more time passes, you get more jaded and the inhibitions just pile on. and over the many disappointing years, the disappointments collect. the mild drama of losing beloved players (fabregas, vermaelen, even lansbury!) and people you thought you could trust but are actually evil backstabbers (rvp, nasri, adebayor).

The so close yet so far moments like losing to birmingham in that cup final, being top of the table for the first half of last season only to topple down so easily, being so resurgent in certain champions league matches only to exit on aggregate. 

My father once commented on my support of Arsenal as a tendency to support the underdog. at that time i was like heh yeah okay dad you know nuts about football plis shhh. but after the many many years at being above averagely decent but never near winning potential, i realize it is a sad sad cycle of mediocrity to be in.

I don't know at the moment (or ever) how it feels like to be a Liverpool fan, or a Tottenham fan or any fan in the mid-table or relegation battlers. would be any more or less infuriating? who knows? I can't bare to read or hear a single Arsenal related news snippet after a loss or a bad draw, i don't know it'll be like losing like half the time lol. 

sometimes when things get bad you just think ah well, i'll take it game to game. just the bare minimum of fandom i assume. i'll love the wins, ignore the draws, shut out the losses. 

but i've never been one the ride the 'bare minimum' wave. 

thank goodness for the last sputtering cough of the FA cup trophy last season. thank goodness for the run of form that we're having so far. thank you Lord for Ozil, Sanchez, Cazorla and boyfriend in the midfield. thank that almighty handsome frenchman Giroud that he is front striker material. thank the heavens that we've so far managed to beat united, city and liverpool.

you know what this shows? some sort of upwards direction. yes. that's right. I'm daring myself to hope again. be gone cynicism! we have a fighting chance for greatness in the future!

well at the time of writing, we have yet to beat Mourinho's Chelsea, and have not yet beaten Aston Villa to win the cup. I'm not saying these performance indicators will immediately cause me to go back and be the bitter, cynical, negative fan that i can be, but i wish my team all the best and my love for them will still remain. 

i will continue to drink my milo in my arsenal cup. i will continue to open my front door with an arsenal keychain on my house keys. i will wear that arsenal jersey out in public.

ps. guys, i also want an arsenal towel for me to wipe my eventual sweat and tears.

pps. we are the greatest team, the world has ever seen.

Real-life dancing

One of my major self improvement challenges for sem4 in uni is to stop complaining so much about group assignments, and group members.

About their utter lack of competence or intelligence or common sense or decent effort to edit.

About how they are also so stubborn in accepting that everything I do is actually right and has been proven time and time again in every subject by every lecturer.

About how it seems like they've never written an essay or read a book in their entire lives.

About how BAD their levels of comprehension are in terms of understanding questions, briefs and summaries.

Today I failed. I will try again to be gracious and not think I'm right all the time (even though I am) and actually try to speak out my opinions instead of being passive aggressive.

Dark moments

Double post.

Because at this point I'd like to apologize to myself for being affected by such petty things.

Our lives are in God's hands and as much as we love, we also lose.

He gives, He takes away.

:'(

hugs needed.

Peaks

Listening to an Arsenal podcast now while looking at my assignment brief. lol. International Business movements, Arsenal defensive movements whaaa

Gonna stress release a bit before I kick into full gear. 

Anyway, since I have less inhibitions here, gonna talk about how my hormones have been off this period uh period. Usually my ultra-lonely why am I single feelings only come before or during my period, but this time it has only come this week. and like been a few days d lol. I assume it will go away by...like Friday or something but for now..just...let me be sad.

Just being around in Taylor's a lot more often this week and last week, looking around at all my peers and everybody else in general thinking, that in fact most of these people have a significant other. I'm thinking that my approach to compatibility should be a logical one lah, shouldn't you be with someone you respect, admire and have plenty in common with? not to mention traditionally you should have a S.O. that your parents will accept, and that you're both mature enough to be in a relationship.

Looking at most people's relationships and these are people I actually know, it seems that ANYBODY can just seem to get ANYBODY as long as someone makes a first move. Like. Have I been doing something wrong. if like that then statistically, wouldn't I have someone by now. hahahaha.

(I'm only partially serious btw. This is just me under the tinted goggles of temporary loneliness and spite.)

I probably have even written about this on this blog more than once before. Only of course now I am the oldest most experienced version of myself lah. and probably would still have told my old self not to change a thing.

Even the most crude, rude, immature, illogical, vain (or whatever other personality disorder you can think of) are in stable relationships. It seems the only requirement for seemingly successful relationships at this point of young adult life is knowing to buy each other things, celebrating anniversaries, being overly physically comfortable with each other, and going out of the way to drive someone somewhere. 

Yes I know it's not wrong to have that. but. but. lol actually idk what successful relationships are made of. I've never had one either. 

Most of the time I just think that people want to find a S.O. for the sake of exclusive companionship. Like just to guarantee that there's someone you have on your side at all times.

UGH okay I don't even know how to make that sound like a bad thing. Hahaha.

Also the need to post this has been spurred on by my noticing of even more hansem guys and when you get to know them, still they end up being douchey bags and half of them are already taken anyway. Look at your face so nice until I see you give me lapsap for assignment, smoke, and swear all day. MANY IMPRESS

TAYLORS WHY YOU LIKE DIS

(please someone tell me if Monash is not like this I will literally try and turn back time and try to fork out that extra 30k to register there)

Then I think that most of my guy friends are really such gems and gentlemans. and the thought of dating them literally just made me laugh out loud at myself.

At the same time I also know most of them won't even think about me that way, they are laughing even louder. 

Easy to say just trust that God has the best for me, not easy to apply. but also that knowledge and trust I have in God is forever. longer than this temporary moments of insanity.

OKAY bye

Personal Development

Hi.

I've had 3 and a half months of blissful holiday till this week. Sem 4 starts and its beginning to just look incredibly tough. I have six subjects, which is one subject more than the past few sems. and just seems like a lot to cope and i'm not gonna have such a good schedule anymore.

But I also know that 4 months is actually really short and before you know it it'll be July and I'm shaking my legs for another month again. Hehe.

So. What have I even been doing.

If you don't count December, which was crazy busy, as it will be every year and after officially celebrating my 21st, I will break down what my January to March has been like.

We did somehow manage to plan an early trip up to Genting this year, where the last two years were near the June break for Monash. This year was the first week of January and hey somehow it felt very very necessary. lol.

If I remember right there were 3 cars going up this time. and as usual we start the first day with a grocery trip to Mydin or Giant before we have brunch and head up.

So yeah, this time the we more or less banned the video game marathon that the guys had the last trip which made it so draggy lol. this time we had more board games. Zombiecide, Legendary, Shadow Hunter and monster something. I think we all owe Gideon a lot for being such a constant blessing to us hehe.

and Gid brought me and Matt to the casino for the first time. just to watch and experience. it seems so surreal you know. like how exclusive and luxurious casinos are made to look like in the movies, and here it is and its almost just the same heh. and you realize how many people have much monies lol

we also stayed an extra day. like on the day we were supposed to leave everyone was just lazy and unwilling to move and it was like 12pm before we were like, can we just go home tmr. and after everyone had the OK from parents and made sure we had enough clothes and underwear or whatever then yeah. also cooking with them again testing my patience. and car trouble :(

I don't know for how many more years we can keep doing this. I mean, next year should still be fine, but the years after that when we're all working and stuff then how. Growing up is really not fun :(

The immediate week following was Kuala Krai, Pahang. and no, it wasnt a holiday. That time they really needed volunteers to help with disaster relief for the flood victims in that area. and since we were free, we went to help out. it was almost 9 hours there and 9 hours back. and as much as i love car rides, but like the 7th hour i was like enaaffff

The entire area that we were at was actually pretty vast, lots of land all around, and yet its hard to imagine ceiling-level floods that affected all the way even past like an hour journey from the river. Scary. We spent our time cleaning a few badly affected houses. then second day the girls and guys split teams. From what the guys describe as 'chocolate cake', they basically shoveled 3 or more feet thick literal gunk, and i tell you when we say mud we mean more than mud, its like cake batter and weirder. and THE SMELL.

the girls (WHICH INCLUDES ME) went to this bakery which was badly damaged and it was dark and dingy and smelly and muddy and messy and the place was so big and i remember thinking (admittedly in a bratty way) that this had to be a joke or something like someone would come and tell us like wow this seems tough lets just go back and do something easier.

but no. nope. we just picked up the shovels and got to work and within an hour we cleared the place up. so proud. and exhausted. after that we went to a school and helped to wash some equipment and stuff.

overall, the trip really opened my eyes to be thankful for what I have. I mean, we mostly helped low-income families, and they had so little to begin with, and after the flood, they basically were left with nothing, except donations of stuff like maggi mee and toothpaste.

and I have so so much here at home. and not to sound proud or self-righteous or anything, our problems are just so petty :(

my third and last 'holiday' was the 365 Boot Camp. I was like just an honorary camper or something lah. Besides ATM, I was the oldest girl there, and Sarah Steevan was the second oldest and she was 18. the camp was mainly for those kids with school holidays. the first and last boot camp i went to was when i was 17 and there were just so many good memories that I just didn't want to miss this one, even though i felt just a tad too old to do everything there.

idk if i ever blogged about it that boot camp but it was just so fun. leeches, and people constantly worries about leeches, beaconhouse, the night trekking, and i cant even remember lah but yeah. going back to same campsite 5 years later, just makes you veryy...

okay i went to fb to look for pictures and got caught up in a storm of nostalgia. so just take my word for it. lol.

reaching there the weather was just mad hot, and setting up tents and everything just seemed to give off heat and ergh. hot.

there were puppies! and clean showers! and good food! 

no reception! no wifi! lots of bugs!

second day was long and tough alright. we went stream trekking. which is like hiking up a mountain, through the stream. through water and rocks and errthing. fun lah, and only one leech reported. and the waterfall and then walking back down. then the senior bunch of us had to set up a complicated campfire which took so long and then the campers made fried rice by themselves. and then the actual campfire which was really nice :)

needless to say that night i just fell asleep in a blink. the stars were beautiful too. and the fireflies.

---

basically the three biggest events. the rest, as below:

1. CNY was fun, lots of visitations :) lots of food, lots of angpaoz

2. Joel and Eve's wedding. I helped in designing some stuff, with the deco and took care of Aaron the fish and it was a great wedding :)

3. Skytrex. That was fun. Highly recommend it, worth every penny, every shaking muscle, every deep breath and every hit of vertigo. Want to go again please. :)

4. Hiking bukit Gasing. Thanks to Anna banana we made the trip up.

Well those are the big things i remember lah.

I also did like 4 consecutive design work pieces for 365 with my free time. Going out a lot with friends. Gym-ing. Captain ball. 

I finished all 10 seasons of friends, finished up Glee. catched up on my Big Bang Theory. I'm also currently at level 845 in candy crush. attended FOUR of my uni mates' birthdays. lots of bonding time with mummy. 

also a lot of sleeping. 

this is just so you all know i wasnt a complete waste of space during this time of my life lah. in defense i did look for jobs, only just a bit late lah. and i thought since I already was at EY last year, i thought i wouldn't mind not doing anything this year lah, since next year would be my official internship already and work and life in the next years after that.

Growing up is so not gonna be fun. :(

I see fire.

I just want to complain about how unbearably painful my period cramps were today. Like level 10 on the pain scale. Like painkillers are my best friend. Like imagining my future where I have to take a day off from work just to deal with this pain. 

Whatever plans I had today just couldn't even happen on account of me needing to lie down and curse at my pillows, bolsters and soft toys. So painful to a point of lightheaded-ness. 

When the painkillers kicked in I managed to nap because, well, what else am I supposed to do. and then like clockwork 4 hours later (lol yeah I napped for 4 hours) i woke up again because my uterus just hates me. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN

and then tomorrow will come along and the pain will be gone and I will be normal again. 

story of my life.