Life is like a hurricane

Been going thru some work stuff recently; as we always seem to be haha 

Just making me ponder again, on how and why i'm where to be, and why do our expectations and reality somehow never align.

So it seems like I truly will be where I am for the next year or two more - meaning im gonna be one of those people working in my first and the same company for about lets say 5-7 years.

and that has its own negative connotations.

before i go any further, i need to remind myself that this is in our very narrow context and demographic. mostly from a corporate operational role, and from the perspective of middle to upper class mostly English educated group and generally conservative upbringings. meaning doesnt take into consideration more dynamic/irregular roles and other economic backgrounds. this eliminates those on slightly more extreme sides of the spectrum or just maybe rather to me in this very sheltered view of mine - completely average?

so if i ever ask my bosses, my parents, some uncles and aunties, and some of my friends who might be on the more conservative side; they would say i'm making the right choice by staying put. so let's dissect that.

safety and security is key. and with covid and a shaky economy, my company looks like a real nice stable rock. i understand their upbringing might lead to this thinking too. not taking unnecessary risks. why fix what isnt broken? i have comfortable compensation and benefits provided.

am i still learning and growing here? i surely am. but some people say you can learn and grow anywhere, and maybe even more so in somewhere less comfortable. but i can say a majority of it still feels interesting and not draggy. idk if thats the baseline but i dont believe anyone who's super excited and passionate about their work all the time la. there are many examples of 'successful' people who stay in a few companies their whole life. 

how about my impact or reputation or dare i say, legacy here. honestly being familiar with the company helps me a lot with my job. with both the more explicit and subtle nuances that one navigates in corporate. my performance and reliability meets expectations. so it brings me to:

one positive factor for sure is the comfort and culture and lifestyle i've grown accustomed to and maybe even take for granted. i have plenty of flexibility and autonomy which i greatly even more appreciate this year with wedding and renovation errands all round. timing and deadlines and even dumb things like wearing my slippers around the office allows me to focus on the things i need to. when im busy i really am, but i know i can rely on the understanding of my team. covid of course plays a role, where we have a hybrid arrangement of work in office and from home which i like; the moment we have to be in the office 100% then all this changes hahah

my team itself is great. i can say people are the biggest factor of why anyone should really consider staying put because great people make it great, but difficult people will really drag you down. no one is perfect and all kinds of people can challenge you in a good way of course; but just saying my team so far is great to work with. there are of course less savory people around but not in a way which directly affects my work. so i have visibility with the right people, i meet the expectations i need to, i get to control who i get to work more closely with and impact, and they're always fun.

soooooooooo whyyy might anyone want to consider leaving all of this?

the company is not perfect of course, as there surely are weaknesses. there are some old fashioned mindsets or deep rooted negative culture that exists, a lot of which are out of our control or could take too long to change.

we are an insurance company, and mainly within singapore and malaysia so the scope will be limited to that.

the circumstances are not going to be permanent. changes of people and policies can easily disrupt my currently comfortable ecosystem. 

well and out there its big wide world isnt it?

i'm sure you've heard that changing companies help to guarantee a significant pay rise. thats true.

how about growing your scope and possibly exploring something new? a different industry?

maybe there could be a place or group of people where i find myself more effective?

and sometimes, its okay to think about money, i mean, its just a job right? its another part of my life, if im working hard either way then i might as well earn more? 

and sometimes i think, maybe im just not a very ambitious person. i know there are those out there who aim high and have the desire and opportunities to change the world. some for more money some for less money. 

then i guess its just expectations of ourselves or who are we constantly benchmarking ourselves to. \

and overall just being unsure of my future (also as im sure we all are) and just...hardly being able to imagine myself as upper management or having much more expectations and responsibilities. and it all drills down to being, UGH i dont want to work haha

im sure all our capabilities and competencies grow and evolve, and also thinking like hey maybe even if i change my path like maybe now is the best time to do it? before having kids and more commitments? isnt now the best time to try and possibly fail?

so you see all these factors just play around and my way of coping is just telling myself to go through day by day and wait for time to pass.

luckily i have things to look forward to this year; as painful as waiting can be sometimes; now is kinda crunch time where im like heh time slow down so im sure it'll pass by quickly. im just worried about later on in life.

if you want to ask me about God's purpose and direction and path then it probably relates most to the point about people. who i get to impact, and who influences me positively and negatively. and being comfortable enough allows me to focus my time and energy on non-work related things.

either way. theres no do overs in life and we cant go back in time to make changes. we can really only compare with what we know and those things around us now only. 

so i will say things are good for now. we cant help wondering and wandering but we have to live with the consequences of our choices. there may be more ideal circumstances out there if you're truly looking for it, just be more certain of our intentions and end goals. 

to end, one thing i tried today to help get rid of my overly pessimistic view of life is to be more grateful. like with more effort. despite all my complaints and unhappiness or nitpicking. i trust God is good to me all the time.

i have a good family and good upbringing and good roof over my head.

i have good space and freedom to do what i need and to grow.

i have a good partner and future and many blessings to build my next phase of life.

i have good friendships and relationships.

i have a good amount of money to aid my lifestyle and save for the future.

i have a good career which allows me to be productive and competent and contribute to society.

i have good experiences both past and present and future.

i have good self esteem and self love and self image.

i have a good church with good leaders and good vision.

i have good health and physical capabilities.

i have good access to comfort, entertainment and rest.

not saying i should just shut up and be thankful because life is smooth. just trying to have perspective, especially before another week of work again and i want to kill everybody.

thanks gubye.