Buckles

What a time 

Just feeling some extreme growing pains again. pretty overwhelmed today. Some small things trying to cover for the big things and the small things fall through and the big things are like UM HEY

I doubt my coping mechanisms are any good, but hey I've made it to where I am today as a mildly successful grown adult right, right?

Just, really, there's no manual for anything in life. I hate being so indecisive or so immobile but really, i doubt anyone has been confident to make decisions in things they have no clue about, extremely urgent time crunch, mind-numbingly expensive, and have zero support or space to have a comfortable discussion about.

And before i want to look at other people i can only blame myself. like its so millennial of me to try to find some root cause of trauma in my childhood or something that can help me find out why im like this

I find myself physically incapable to say whats wrong with me, i find it so jarring and the opposite of casual but hey laura people have problems and try to solve them not bury them or hope they go away

idk it just feels so claustrophobic recently you know, like all the air is sucked out, its dark and you cant see any way around

i sometimes feel overwhelmed and thats illustrated with lots of unknown open space and streets and buildings but now its dark and suffocating and small.

and you know what pissseeeesss me off, its probably a medium sized problem but because im hormonal or whatever i feel like crap and when i feel better im like eh can brush that off but was that ever a real valid emotion that should have been dealt with or what even

anyway, just lots of money and time and energy and changes and lack of progress? lack of control in things?

and what if really not everything can be solved, so you really just need support sooooooo laura can you open your mouth and ask for help or nah 

Life is like a hurricane

Been going thru some work stuff recently; as we always seem to be haha 

Just making me ponder again, on how and why i'm where to be, and why do our expectations and reality somehow never align.

So it seems like I truly will be where I am for the next year or two more - meaning im gonna be one of those people working in my first and the same company for about lets say 5-7 years.

and that has its own negative connotations.

before i go any further, i need to remind myself that this is in our very narrow context and demographic. mostly from a corporate operational role, and from the perspective of middle to upper class mostly English educated group and generally conservative upbringings. meaning doesnt take into consideration more dynamic/irregular roles and other economic backgrounds. this eliminates those on slightly more extreme sides of the spectrum or just maybe rather to me in this very sheltered view of mine - completely average?

so if i ever ask my bosses, my parents, some uncles and aunties, and some of my friends who might be on the more conservative side; they would say i'm making the right choice by staying put. so let's dissect that.

safety and security is key. and with covid and a shaky economy, my company looks like a real nice stable rock. i understand their upbringing might lead to this thinking too. not taking unnecessary risks. why fix what isnt broken? i have comfortable compensation and benefits provided.

am i still learning and growing here? i surely am. but some people say you can learn and grow anywhere, and maybe even more so in somewhere less comfortable. but i can say a majority of it still feels interesting and not draggy. idk if thats the baseline but i dont believe anyone who's super excited and passionate about their work all the time la. there are many examples of 'successful' people who stay in a few companies their whole life. 

how about my impact or reputation or dare i say, legacy here. honestly being familiar with the company helps me a lot with my job. with both the more explicit and subtle nuances that one navigates in corporate. my performance and reliability meets expectations. so it brings me to:

one positive factor for sure is the comfort and culture and lifestyle i've grown accustomed to and maybe even take for granted. i have plenty of flexibility and autonomy which i greatly even more appreciate this year with wedding and renovation errands all round. timing and deadlines and even dumb things like wearing my slippers around the office allows me to focus on the things i need to. when im busy i really am, but i know i can rely on the understanding of my team. covid of course plays a role, where we have a hybrid arrangement of work in office and from home which i like; the moment we have to be in the office 100% then all this changes hahah

my team itself is great. i can say people are the biggest factor of why anyone should really consider staying put because great people make it great, but difficult people will really drag you down. no one is perfect and all kinds of people can challenge you in a good way of course; but just saying my team so far is great to work with. there are of course less savory people around but not in a way which directly affects my work. so i have visibility with the right people, i meet the expectations i need to, i get to control who i get to work more closely with and impact, and they're always fun.

soooooooooo whyyy might anyone want to consider leaving all of this?

the company is not perfect of course, as there surely are weaknesses. there are some old fashioned mindsets or deep rooted negative culture that exists, a lot of which are out of our control or could take too long to change.

we are an insurance company, and mainly within singapore and malaysia so the scope will be limited to that.

the circumstances are not going to be permanent. changes of people and policies can easily disrupt my currently comfortable ecosystem. 

well and out there its big wide world isnt it?

i'm sure you've heard that changing companies help to guarantee a significant pay rise. thats true.

how about growing your scope and possibly exploring something new? a different industry?

maybe there could be a place or group of people where i find myself more effective?

and sometimes, its okay to think about money, i mean, its just a job right? its another part of my life, if im working hard either way then i might as well earn more? 

and sometimes i think, maybe im just not a very ambitious person. i know there are those out there who aim high and have the desire and opportunities to change the world. some for more money some for less money. 

then i guess its just expectations of ourselves or who are we constantly benchmarking ourselves to. \

and overall just being unsure of my future (also as im sure we all are) and just...hardly being able to imagine myself as upper management or having much more expectations and responsibilities. and it all drills down to being, UGH i dont want to work haha

im sure all our capabilities and competencies grow and evolve, and also thinking like hey maybe even if i change my path like maybe now is the best time to do it? before having kids and more commitments? isnt now the best time to try and possibly fail?

so you see all these factors just play around and my way of coping is just telling myself to go through day by day and wait for time to pass.

luckily i have things to look forward to this year; as painful as waiting can be sometimes; now is kinda crunch time where im like heh time slow down so im sure it'll pass by quickly. im just worried about later on in life.

if you want to ask me about God's purpose and direction and path then it probably relates most to the point about people. who i get to impact, and who influences me positively and negatively. and being comfortable enough allows me to focus my time and energy on non-work related things.

either way. theres no do overs in life and we cant go back in time to make changes. we can really only compare with what we know and those things around us now only. 

so i will say things are good for now. we cant help wondering and wandering but we have to live with the consequences of our choices. there may be more ideal circumstances out there if you're truly looking for it, just be more certain of our intentions and end goals. 

to end, one thing i tried today to help get rid of my overly pessimistic view of life is to be more grateful. like with more effort. despite all my complaints and unhappiness or nitpicking. i trust God is good to me all the time.

i have a good family and good upbringing and good roof over my head.

i have good space and freedom to do what i need and to grow.

i have a good partner and future and many blessings to build my next phase of life.

i have good friendships and relationships.

i have a good amount of money to aid my lifestyle and save for the future.

i have a good career which allows me to be productive and competent and contribute to society.

i have good experiences both past and present and future.

i have good self esteem and self love and self image.

i have a good church with good leaders and good vision.

i have good health and physical capabilities.

i have good access to comfort, entertainment and rest.

not saying i should just shut up and be thankful because life is smooth. just trying to have perspective, especially before another week of work again and i want to kill everybody.

thanks gubye.

Fire

 Such a strong urge to be the first one to prove yourself, or let go first, or be better in some way. For self preservation, pride, ego.

How hard must it always be to swallow your pride, hold your tongue, turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, take the higher road?

Where does this sense of inferiority or injustice stem from? I really wonder where it comes from and what good can come from it?

So selfish of us to value only ourselves but in the end get even more unhappy at the outcome you’re trying to get. Do I want others to think of me as outstanding, impressive, effortless etc or don’t think of me at all and why must I care 

I came back to this

Actually I’m just sad, I was sad even from the start knowing one day it would end

I’m sad that I can’t be 100% myself and I have many many walls. Congratulations if you’re a person who can express their feelings and do what ever you want confidently. There’s only pain in overthinking and making assumptions and being calculative

Even telling myself the best thing is to have no expectations, that’s what a coward would do to avoid dealing with their self discomfort

I say I’m a realist but I’m not, there’s nothing I somehow end up doing more than turning off my mind and plunging into distractions and imaginary happiness