Home and home again

 Interesting that the last I came here to blog in March I was feeling those things, here I am in late October, another version of myself again.

Life certainly has a way of feeling a bit like a simulation to me, like things just happen. Like the experiences and needs and wants are really temporary and subjective, it is wildly different in the internal and sometimes external of one person to another. I dont even know what i'm getting at - just that here I am, 32, in my house that I have with my husband because we got married, i dont live with my parents anymore, they are in their house, aging. just sommmeeetimmeesss, i feel like i will wake up from a long dream and i'm back in my 16 year old self from those mega naps.

Life just passes, like this year i went on a work trip to the Seattle on my own, in business class amd great hotel with a decent allowance, and stopped by Korea and Japan to live my best solo traveller life, met my colleagues who I've only ever met online - like in writing that's crazy bonkers, i got to travel almost all-expense with the best experiences overall like its so great when other people get to travel for work but then me, i did, to a place i never thought i'd ever get a chance to go? and yet - its just a thing that happened and passed?

Maybe I can say recently, some big things have happened to us also which just makes me like, its just..an event? a memory? its so not tangible and how you wanna be or feel from that moving forward is so up to you for the best or worst, and again, its subjective to you.

This year has really passed by for me with great experiences. January - Bangkok with my close friends, February - spontaneous trip to Korea with Sheng, March - Japan with Sheng and in-laws, May - US, Korea, Japan for work. Throw in two Singapore trips for Seventeen with my sister, and alone for Arsenal and a really fun work trip too. did i miss anything? i just feel so grateful and so meh at the same time. but i guess thats life, things and experiences are really empty without a purpose. without all those, if the year had just been average, where would i be now and how would i feel?

Anyway, with God in the picture, I have at least one new perspective that has been a great revelation or at least, drawn me closer with God.

In my previous lament, it was about feeling so helpless about how tough and different and discriminated it is to be a woman. and i guess since it was a strong feeling since March, imagine about 6 months of just feeling such injustice and unfairness - maybe also as I get further along in marriage and age and have just more collective experiences of really how peaceful it must be to be a man. they just be them.

but me? as a woman? wow. the physical itself? every month and the hormones and the pain/change of pregnancy and all the symptoms of pain and fatigue etc - i've complained enough on this blog throughout my life on how its affected just daily life. 

and just the discrimination and concern for safety and wellbeing or just being heard and taken seriously - and i'm feeling this without anything major happening to me even, i have a great environment around me, imagine those women who dont have that.

but my latest gripe and maybe the most 'first world problem' of it all are just the internal and external expectations and responsibility of being a woman. again, maybe feeling more of the responsibility of it as a household manager now compared to when i was just my parents' daughter. i am now someone's wife and housekeeper. 

really UNFORTUNATELY i am bothered by messes and those small details and grievances that just stay in my mind and soul that honestly i think men are very happy and peaceful inside, or imagine if they also felt this way, i think they would explode along with all the other things i need to worry about. a big thing too is like medical gaslighting of women - yes that sounds very online of me - that most medical studies focus on men and women are just, asked to take a pill or lose some weight, which is so ridiculous.

i mean, i can paint this picture easily. i might be hormonal, in pain, irritable, i might not know why - i'm in that mental state of discomfort - i'm out, worried about my safety, hoping nothing i'm wearing is too revealing or attractive - worried about any man or group nearby me staring uncomfortably or trying to take a picture - i'm trying to decipher if something some guy said to me was meant to mean more or to be manipulative - i come home to clean up messes, even the extra things like clearing the hair from the drain or making sure the hand towels are clean?? and double checking if the gate and doors are closed - i need to manage the social calendar of birthdays and celebrations and family events - sometimes its just the fact i need to wear a stupid sports bra to work out and its so hard to get a good one thats comfortable and its so hard to take off when a guy can just wear whatever or just be shirtless and walk out of the house! 

all these add up you know, i dont even know why i need to feel like i'm carrying this weight. partially, really do think i'm spending too much time on social media and being too focused on this agenda. its real and its true but there are much better truths i could meditate more on. that's my first lesson too - a recent sermon i listened to challenged me, do i want to be influenced by culture or Scripture? i can decide. knowing or understanding all these things - how have i gone to God in any of this?

and i can remember and focus on how women are also made in God's image, and He made us different too, from men. there may be a burden but there's also many great and wonderful gifts. i dont feel like going into that because i'm being a real negative Nancy now but. my final thought was that - i have the opportunity to be closer to God so much more through all my pain and feelings of injustice - the more i can see God and rely on Him in my everyday life, big and small.

so overall, yes things just happen, people just be, time just passes. but i remember i have a hope in a God who knows and cares for me deeper than i can understand, for a bigger purpose, and a bigger life and plan in eternity.

thank you for listening.

i have been on a massive cleaning and re-decorating phase. excited. and losing money. bye.

Call me back

 Some darker pessimistic feminist worldly thoughts 

Marriages and relationships really seem to benefit men and burden women - to me. Don’t want to generalise traditional roles and I understand both have strengths and weaknesses but well I’m also the product of my current society and can’t help but agree with the what comes into my algorithm

I want to write some selfish things down here

I don’t know

How do we deal with this unfair hand dealt to us 

Slippery slopes

 it all started with me watching one of the many kdramas, which is about this person being able to suddenly go back in time to change her crappy life bit by bit

my life is in no way crappy of course but somehow this trope really stuck with me until now, its been a couple of months and i find my mind wandering back to what i would change

yes overall i am quite a live in my head person, with a strong tendency to be nostalgic and wistful but also a quite lets move forward and not live in regret person, so i'm in this limbo of thoughts which i think is not very helpful and better i write it here and let it go

because lets face it I CANT CHANGE THE PAST but ohhhhh all the things i would do if i could - does it make me appreciate the present more, no - i didnt get a scrooge-like transformation

 let me tell you about me now. 

i find my most current version of myself very interesting. previously i've always liked myself but i feel more developed now, like unlocking further software updates of different parts of my brain which was in the grey previously.

we listen and we dont judge ok - some of these things will be quite shallow, i'll try to find something more meaningful once i've written it down haha

firstly, i am a lot more interested and aware of fashion and makeup and skincare and i feel like i now REALLY understand how some things work. like what really works for me and what big and small differences certain things make, and i have the effort to want to do it. for example, one of my favorite makeup products now is blush - one year ago me and younger would never touch blush. it seemed unnecessary and frivolous, my face is already red and seriously who has time and who cares about these things - well now thats me, i do and i think it makes SUCH a big difference

and thats gonna be a theme of most things, what was once so subtle really adds up and matters - if you want to decide that those things are important to you

like even my hair i would NEVER take the time to blowdry it let alone use products and i only curl it in one way for any big events. now, i reallly am willing to do those things and i like what i see haha

i would also only want to get like really thinned hair and too many layers like back then i thought i locked down what i thought looked good but nah man, blunt cuts are the way to go serious

same for skincare etc - previously i think i was quite good already e.g. making sure i dont over exfoliate and make sure i double cleanse etc but now i realllly get my skin and what irritates it and what helps it and i'm willing to stick to this routine

as for fashion, my goodness, like colors and fits and styles omg i am so happy and excited to talk about it - i wouldnt say i was unfashionable now, but i reallllly appreciate the subtleties of all things fashion better now, like how even a good graphic tshirt with a great fit and material makes all the difference, and i really like understanding my own style now - i'm even willing to wear socks and cute sneakers ok - you ask me last time i am slippers 200% of the time

and somehow now, i am able to get my butt moving to exercise as frequently as almost 5 times a week, is that crazy? i have found redeemed time and effort! and yeah it has a profound impact on my health - and i'm happy that progress is being made 

i'm not saying i'm perfect now or ever will be but WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE to reach these conclusions earlier in my life to enjoy it further. it doesnt feel like that much extra effort?

so really, what has been my motivation for this? if in the end all of this results in just looking better, i am happy to take it as that. thats why i said its shallow.

i personally of course think my character and the inner beauty bla bla things have grown as well, my maturity in handling many new and different challenges in adulthood like in relationships, career and other personal developments - but nice getting all these things while also being more confident because of how i look on the outside

maybe i really only could have achieved all this at this time of my life where i have more financial freedom to experiment and purchase more things that suit me, and more time to think and absorb knowledge from social media and really analyze how i look and feel more etc

maybe i am just getting more vain

SO if i could go back in time, even in high school, i could have said myself from so many bad decisions and logic breaks down very quickly because would i even be who i am now with all those 'crutches' early on 

other than looks, to be fair, i would have certainly improved my character and how i treated people around me better

or just not taking things seriously, except maybe studies. that makes life so one dimensional... i had time and resources to focus on my fitness too, now i feel like i'm running out of time to hit my body goals as age catches up

that makes me feel the most regretful though, that i never really was a genuine, sincere and thoughtful friend to many - idk if i am that now too, but at least i am trying - back then, maybe like most people who were young, life is viewed in a very selfish and narrow perspective. i didnt really listen to learn about people, or really want strong, quality friendships - its more about what can i get 

i would try to shoulder more of the burden of my parents and the household - now that i'm in my house, i really see all the things they did for us, its incomprehensible

usually this train of thought overwhelms me a bit, because of the regret and the second guessing of myself thinking why is striking such a nerve to me for so long. 

and other than those outward things which are fun to do, i feel incapacitated for the other things. i'm scared and i'm also very comfortable, lazy and still selfish.

anyway, happy to talk about makeup, skincare, fashion and fitness. 

for the rest, i'm looking for some empathy and some solutions.