So let's talk about some good things that happened in 2020, a year where a lot of crazy stuff happened, but also can't ignore or be ungrateful for the stuff that did, and even be more grateful that those things happened despite it in fact:
1. We got a house!
A first time posting something public like this in regards to my relationship life I think, cos we dont really post anything on any social media, and I think only those that know us personally currently know what's happening with us. Anyway, this is a major adult step in life! Like, normally i never have any life changing news and my life feels boring and uneventful (in a good way?) so this is a big and very blessed thing to have had the opportunity to motivate me through the year. It certainly helps to calm any major anxiety about the future and stuff, we know we are lucky and we are excited about whatever happens next. This also means more financial commitments and responsibilities but like i said, adulting has to start one day. It felt very long yet very quick at the same time. I think we dont really know the full extent of the commitments and responsibilities until we're really waist deep in it so for now, is just the calm before the storm and ignorance is bliss.
2. Promotion
I got a surprise promotion in Oct which is probably one of the first major highlights or milestones in my career life. I've been in this company for about 3.5 years, and only 1.5 of it at my current role and i've mentioned many times before that its a constant roller coaster of feeling like heck i dont get paid enough for this as much as wow i cant believe they're paying me for this.
I only half-expected this promotion in the mid 2021 cycle, and even then i thought that was optimistic. but i think the stars did align on this one, being a great boss and great managers around me, and trying to accept solid recognition for my hard work and positive fruits. Its natural to sometimes focus only on points of improvement and flaws but i cant say i dont feel validated, encouraged and motivated from this.
Ngl its tough when comparing your career to peers and colleagues, because its surely not parallel, everyone goes through different things and does different things. And ive surely doubted myself in my role, my path, my competencies, my values etc as part of working life. Not saying this promotion validates everything but at least it helps me feel like im going in the right direction, or maybe more accurately not going too far in the wrong direction hahah
It does come with more responsibilities and expectations of course, nothing in life is free. But its good to stretch and be uncomfortable as part of growth.
And of course it does come with a good increment, which i am beyond thankful for. To get all these in a pandemic ridden year with many people, companies and industries being more unfortunate, i still cant believe the circumstances.
Work life isnt perfect of course, there are imperfect things and imperfect people all around. I'm also undertaking some trainings and certifications which bonds me to my role until late 2022 so welp i'm here forever cant think about going elsewhere first, gotta learn what i can and appreciate the great things among the bad things
3. Lasik
One of the best decisions ever, and one i would recommend to the whole world if they had a spare RM7k lying around (huhuhuhu)
I never thought i'd ever get lasik because of well the cost, the risks and well its just such a drastic thing - like, i'm the most moderate conservative ever - right? But idk, i started thinking about in 2019 (before anything about covid, which oddly, if my surgery was scheduled just a month later, i might never have gotten it at all). Firstly, contact lenses were deeply uncomfortable for me, and i even got a bad eye infection from it the previous year. Like even trying out dailies over monthlies were no different, i'd easily have dryness and discomfort and tiredness from even a mere 1 hour. I only started wearing contacts when i was 21.
The alternative was to just stay with using glasses. Which was how i accepted myself for 27 years of my life anyway, so i think i can comfortably say the motivation is not purely for cosmetic self-affirmation.
Or was it? Isnt that the whole point of why myself and most people switched to contacts anyway instead of glasses? Can we be upfront and say, "i think i look better without glasses" - whose definition of beauty am i conforming to even?! is my self esteem so fragile??
Hmm. Let's be comfortable with that - and can accept that we can be quite shallow, even subconsciously. It's not a sin to want to look better in your own eyes and others, especially if its something you can easily control and not drastically altering (huhu plastic surgery), or 'unaccepting' of how God made you. Yes it does make me feel more secure, and i also wanted that at work and other areas of my life. I think it does give me a different vibe.
Sorry this whole part seems to be tying in the issue of self perception haha
I've always felt like the nerdy girl with glasses - please dont take offence at that. I've literally spent years of my schooling life battling self-esteem as most girls do to reach a point where I still like myself and how i looked and how it affected all my relationships with my community. It also affected my confidence in sports or anything related to something knocking off my glasses.
When i first got contacts as my gift to myself turning 21, a lot of things did change for me internally, i can say i like how i look without glasses and it was so great feeling more 'part of society' during sports or at theme parks or at fancy events (YOU TRY WEARING EYE SHADOW UNDER GLASSES) and i think it helped me feel ok for life at Taylor's hahahah (sorry shallow reference there) and the start of my career.
But as work and work life gets more tiring, its harder to upkeep the contact lens life, and i need to be best at work - not feeling tired at 10am in the morning because of dry eyes. SO as part of 2020 to also motivate myself to look as professional as I can at office to leave the best impression I can, i committed to taking lasik. I did my research and asked so many people about it, seesawing between the risks, but in the end i'm glad i did it. I did have doubts for so long, like thinking man RM7k, i could do a lot with that - i could fund TWO round trips to Korea with that hahah
I could write another whole long post about my experience during, but not now - just know that it's almost one whole year recovering from the surgery and life, is as good as it can be. The freedom and comfort, playing sports, attending events, going on holidays and all was amazing (for a short while until MCO) - no regrets forever. I'm also enjoying wearing sunglasses hahah yes i am shallooowwww
In a way, its also funny because i also did have a full one week MC after my surgery and about 1 month of adjusting back to work right before the MCO hit also made me feel so undeserving of my promotion haha because i was legit blind for awhile. and also perhaps the lack of activities caused by MCO at the early stages may have helped in the healing process too
That being said i also wished life was back to normal so i can enjoy my eyes more
4. I got bangs huhu
I let myself get a bangs as my yolo haircut for 2020/2021 - its a long term commitment. I also back and forth - ed on this for many years, and many months in particular for 2020 and after a series of events, i heckin did it.
I've always had long boring hair, my riskiest move would usually be to cut it like maybe an inch before shoulder length and call it a day. I mean, i do/did like that style firstly, because to me it looks cool and low maintenance and secondly, because IT IS low maintenance. Like sweep it up, tie it up, wont bother you for anything, doesnt make odd shapes, and easily matches my style/look aka just acceptable messy.
At most my second other big decision was dying it blackkkkk instead of previous few years of brown which is meh to me now. lol anyway dying hair is also way too much maintenance, and cost.
SO. Bangs look nice on some people, and i always thought well that didnt include me. But you'd just obsess and notice it more and more on others and be like, WHY NOT TRY. i wont die. hair grows back. and seriously, after the first MCO and all the haircut prices were almost doubled, i was thinking wow i aint gonna pay RM50 or more for just a trim, no way.
SO I DID IT. from then till now i still feel regret like maybe 60% of the time. I have a hate hate okay dont mind relationship with it. SO it is the opposite of low maintenance -_- it bothers my face and eyes and i cant simply sweep it away otherwise it ends up in odd positions, or also if i sleep weird. and if i dont wash my hair regularly its 1000 times more obvious. and i have to pin it for sports and stuff.
It also somehow refuses to look like Suzy, Lisa, Zooey Deschanel, Dakota Johnson, and just about every other reference i see online, or even in real life, i'd just look enviously upon other random girls with nice bangs.
But oh well, as i said, i have nothing much to lose. sometimes i think it looks nice, and even if its not the nicest look, its alright, i have no major events to attend anyway huhuhuhuhu
But, risks are risks and i have to reward meself for not chickening.
I also, will start investing in the skill of cutting my own hair because leaving my fate to the hairdresser again is a problem in life i dont want to deal with.
5. Holidays and Breaks
I did not get to go to Korea. and i did not get to go to Sibu or wherever my gang would have decided on eventually. no annual trip, only one? airbnb party?
However, in the midst of it all, it makes me more thankful for the smaller holidays in between. Me and Sheng did manage to go for daytrip to Penang, and our gang managed to even go to Redang in Sept when the cases were going down (HUHUHUHU) and i even went snorkelling! i am terrified of water and i'm amazed i didnt pass out in the open ocean but i did it (with lots of emotional and physical support)
And here is also especially where lasik felt the most worth it - like for sure i couldnt last out there with contact lenses and wouldnt be able to see a thing without it (yes they have the powered goggles also la though) but yeah i really appreciate the freedom
Overall, i think i posted previously, that its good to have a break from the cycle of life and having more opportunities to work from home and have some extra time on my hands and not feel like a zombie all the time.
5. Interests and Hobbies
- genuine improvement in badminton
- genuine improvement and understanding of skincare
- very strong renewed interest in interior design because of my future house renovation. I'm almost obsessed, like, is this the start of a new potential career? hheheheheheh I've always liked interior design since young, and i gobble up any home improvement content, up to the point now i feel like i've almost got a formal education on it.
- i must also be sheepishly appreciative of new forms of entertainment in my life, where the gaping hole of football has left in my heart (me and arsenal are on a break for my mental health) being Stray Kids, NCT and Offline TV hahaha why is this even a notable point? i am sincerely grateful to be entertained haha stay tuned for future post on how i must overcome social media addiction i'm serious
6. I cant think of other things for now, and actually the more i think about it, i usually feel more sad than happy about the things we missed out DUH
ok bye
