My joy is boundless, My soul knows its worth

Okay, I have a lot of unpublished drafts in my archive here for this year, talking about Arsenal, the FA Cup, the gym, and all that and maybe one day I'll take the time to edit and post them, but I promise that by the time I reach the end of this post, I'll press publish instead of save and then laugh at myself.

I officially turned 21 about five days ago. yep, my big 21st. :)

and well it was mostly dampened by a heavy week of exams, and that most of my closest friends would be having fun in youth camp in PD while I slough away on my notes.

something about these finals that really made me just wanna take out my brain and flush it down the toilet bowl. maybe its the subjects, the schedule, the time of day (2pm whutttt) or just my general laziness. I really struggled to stay focused and for me, only starting to study the week before exams isn't normal, and I felt so insecure.

small panic attacks and sleepless nights for the past two weeks. idk why. sometimes I think it's when you might have depended more on yourself, and never depended on God to help you. When you're going through it completely alone, it's not like dipping your toes in the water to see if its cold, it's more like stamping through quicksand and being half buried before you know there's only so much you can do.

this may seem a bit drama to you, its just two weeks of finals. and only a 40% weightage pls dun so kiam. but it's a big deal to me lah.

as the two weeks passed and getting good and bad assignment results, that some I can say really justifies my hard work and through papers I thought I would have just stared blankly at, I'm really grateful for God's grace and mercy on me. on walking it with me. on helping me learn so many important lessons from my many mistakes.

so today as I walked out of the exam hall, I felt such joy. almost comparable to when I finished my STPM. so free! and then a few of us had dinner at kar heong and went to watch the Hobbit. and i'm just sitting there enjoying the whole two hours and 45 mins with my delicious pretzel and the company of my friends. even didn't mind being the only girl again, I just felt to privileged to be there and enjoy myself properly.

so even as most of my actual birthday was spent on studying about the importance of focus groups or something, I did feel loved and significant. Partially due to hugs and my watermelon soft toy present, but mostly out of gratitude to God for this life.

I don't usually expect extravagant things for my birthday, because I don't think that birhdays are that important. I miss out so many of my closest friends' birthdays, and gifts aren't my love language at all, and I don't like surprises. I see most people getting lots of presents, and cakes, and big parties and I think, the last time I had anything like that was maybe when I was 8, or...14. idk. I can't even remember. I expected my 21st to be something different, but I guess just it wasn't in the way I expected.

because in the end, i'm just so thankful for my friends. and family. the best company as the best gift I could ever hope to get. especially when all the OS people come back for holidays, i so lub :D

there are still more celebrations to come though, doesn't end yet.

months just fly by

Wow, I went through a whole semester without posting a single thing here.

I think it's been the fastest few months ever in my life. I know I was looking forward to so many awesome events this year, and they're almost all gone, we're nearer to 2015 than 2013. So many ups and downs and I can't even begin to describe how incredible and terrible things have been.

My second semester at Taylors went by faster than I realized. 14 weeks came and went so fazzz. I remember we had assignments due by week 2 or 3 and thinking okay, no joke man, compared to sem 1.

And at first I disliked my schedule, because I had class everyday. But after awhile, I could rearrange my classes to be just 3 days a week. Nice right. I think thats why I've never really felt unbearably busy. In all honesty, my late nights were only because I left things last minute. But i would have enough sleep anyway, so. yeah.

Other than my marketing subject, the other subjects were real artsy fart stuff lah. Drawing, colouring, photoshop, illustrator, website design and editing, video production, flash animation, news features and writing. They were reasonably fun, some more than others, but i'm glad that mass comm provides me an outlet for my creative side. At times it felt really useless and trivial, but ah who am I to complain, I think my next few semesters are just riddled with theory.

Marketing really was tough. It's fun to learn i guess, but by the time we realized what our assignments should actually be like, its the end of the semester and you're staring at two B grade assignments and hoping that exam results will not bring down my cgpa by too much. aih.

Also the semester which i start using the Taylors gym. I'm still a nub at most, not like I've never been to the gym before, but it's always full of guys at the machines, and my confidence isnt particulary up when i'm sweaty and panty while the other girls there are in their supermodel hair and sports bras okay.

But I hope to improve by next sem. We'll see. NEED to find a gym buddy. Adrian is too busy for me.

I suppose I have lost some...mass. I may have lost like one or two kgs, but i know my pants and skirts are looser. But not by much. meh.

and i don't want to shower there yet. but i know i can't continue traipsing through uni to my car looking like a siao poh anymore.


now, my moral class was no fun. 5 to 7, twice a week. eventually of course i started skipping it, but it wielded its whip alright, the final exam falling on a beautiful saturday morning, which also happened to be on #abelandjasday. I did the paper in about 30 minutes and still missed the ceremony. :(

all in all, the content of the moral lessons were not bad, just bad presentation.

a summary of the semester:

1. late classes, more conducive for my late night productivity and sleeping in
2. avoid driving if possible
3. i've learnt how to draw humans systematically. and hate it now even more
4. i know how to use illustrator properly now! my photoshop days will be extinct. hurray for vector programs
5. editing videos are not some form of sorcery
6. I will never willingly touch adobe flash ever again
7. lecture hall 22 is seriously like a cinema. also, front entrances are awkward for latecomers and toilet exits
8. at all times, just use the staircase
9. chicken popcorn omg <3
10. dropbox is a life saver

more on other events later.

i return to lotr: the two towers.

Valentines passes me by again for the 20th time

NO DATE. So it's just me.

It happens to be a particularly quiet vday this year. Maybe it's the timing being near cny, or on a busy friday, or if I'm just meant to be FOREVER ALONE.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not complaining, I'm not one of those bitter single people. You don't have to be on either end of the crazy scale whether you absolutely love or hate valentines day. I lean more towards the day being just another good reminder to appreciate your partners and be thankful for having someone to love you. I'll get there one day :)

Going through the awkwardness of last years valentines, and in previous years there were small things like hugs, or cupcakes or wishes, this year was absolutely quiet. D: yea.

I had a few friends getting into new relationships (the proper way) and one couple even got engaged and I'm just thinking, how much more mature I'd have to be to get into a relationship.

I'm so sien with posting about this suddenly. hahaha.
bai.

Twenty Fourteen so far.

I've edited my blog again, to suit my color mood.

Obviously, pink is a big deal to me. I can't get enough of it, especially this current shade that so happens to be splashed so unabashedly all over my blog :D

I don't know if I've ever tried to convince all of you how amazing pink is as a color, and why it appeals to me way more than any other color. Yes, even more than those amazing hues of blue, green, teal and turquoise.

I will one day, buzzfeed style. ;)

Well, I'm trying to make my blog more practical for the year. Being cryptic and sentimental is so 2010. Hahah. I'll try to make the titles actually be functional towards the posts kay. Content wise though, I can't say I'll divert much :( The big issues in my life which are hard to say out loud and put in audible words will be here, and then mostly recaps of events and stuff.

Since January, I've been interning in EY in Damansara. I'm surprised not many people don't know that it's a top 4 audit firm, or maybe just trying to connect ME to an audit firm is just too ridiculous. Heh.

Working here has really helped me learn a lot honestly, about life. I'm reasonably free at work lah, I mean, I redesigned my layout and wrote this entire post here LOL. But I'm glad I was sort of forced into doing this early in my uni years rather than wasting my three months away.

CNY is coming up and this year I wish I could just skip it. No amount of money could make me feel better this year. Just can't even..ugh. First cny without both my grandparents. I don't know. In the family heirarchy, it starts with my oldest uncle now? Reunion dinner and first day lunch not in somewhere different.

Imagine, about 15 years of tradition all changed. I don't wanna make things sound more dramatic than they are, but there is a certain privilege in paying respects to your elders and receiving angpaos and being altogether as a family.

I innocently watched a recent cny petronas ad like before loading a video and it like slapped me in the face. If I ever see it on tv, I don't even think I can handle it.

And we'll spend the second day of new year at the columbarium. That's gonna be our new tradition now I suppose. And visit all my grandparents relatives, without them being there. and it'll kill me again because they all look and act so alike. and they're so sweet and i'll get super jealous of my second cousins because they're so fortunate and they don't even know it.

But if we don't go then it would be even worse a feeling.


It's a heavy kind of loneliness.







PS. kay, shouldn't have written this while at work. Hahaha. padan muka.