whatever makes you happy.

sigh. i realize now why i've been emoing AT my blog. because there are so many things i gotta write here, but since the day it lost some of my posts, i've been boycotting it. 

see, at first i thought of why i need to blog. nobody really blogs anymore. is there some sort of stupid desperate need i have that others have already overcome?

then i rationalized that i write to express my thoughts, feelings and events without literally telling anyone. and to keep memories. 

so if that's true, is it okay to be that attached and take it that seriously? i mean, i am honestly upset that blogger lost my posts. 

:(

well, i have a theory. 

i think i have a mild separation anxiety disorder. i'm not trying to dramatize the situation or anything, i'm trying to understand it. and OF COURSE it's not just regarding this. just read on, and try not to roll your eyes.

separation anxiety disorder, or s.a.d (haha, i didn't realized the coincidence) er, wait, i copy paste from wikipedia for you :)

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father, mother, grandparents, and brothers or sisters). Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), is characterized by significant and recurrent amounts of worry upon (or anticipation of) separation from a child or adolescent's home or from those to whom the child or adolescent is attached.

Those suffering from SAD may worry about losing their parents and/or getting lost or kidnapped. They often refuse to go to certain places (e.g., school) because of fears of separation, or become extremely fearful when they are left alone without their parents. These children and adolescents may also refuse to sleep alone, experience nightmares about separation, or experience various physical complaints (e.g., body-aches, nausea) when separated from their parents. Separation anxiety may cause significant impairment in important areas of functioning, (e.g., academic and social). 

1. my unhealthy attachment to my ex-classmates and ex-school is definitely something other than just unhealthy. i know we all miss each other, but sometimes i feel terribly desperate to see you all. and the weird thing is, i also desperately want to see people i'm not even that close with. seafield is not a bad school, and neither are my new classmates, but somehow i can't seem to grasp that. everyones making new friends, but i can't do that cause it's not easy. 

at first i thought i was shy, ptuh since when am i shy, then i thought maybe i just need to get used to it, but it's been like 2 months! 

2. that same desperate yearning to see people also continues. my attachment to my church friends. all of you. close, kinda close, and not-so-close :) i enjoy my weekends like crazy (that's why i can't get any homework done) and then it crashes onto a monday. and i feel like i haven't seen them forever. then wednesday when i see nat, nick, steph, jeannie and mae i feel much better. then fridays aren't so bad cause i know i'll be seeing them at night. and if i miss a day at church, like yesterday, i feel so much emptier. 

3. i also can't imagine living away from my family, my house, usj. i can't imagine going off for studies and not being able to sleep in my bed and pee in my own toilet. that i can't see my family. or that i would miss weekends in church. anything more than a week and i think i'd go nuts.

4. death affects me unnaturally too. i'm not scared OF death, i'm scared because they won't be here anymore. be with the one's they love. i cry when i read about death in books. so dumb. movies are okay to cry cause there's sad music and i'm sure other people are emoing too. but still. i think my boggart would form either someone close dying, or a cockroach. either. 

5. i think it's also why i'm suddenly attached to soft toys again. the most clean one being my soft toy cow, with no name. i'm not usually into soft toys, or cows. but now i sleep with my cow. because i think i'll feel less lonely. i think lah :) sometimes i think that's why i want a pet so much. not just because i like animals, but to reduce my loneliness. and a pet fish. see. 

6. i also almost always dream of my old friends. and about getting lost or someone chasing me. i think this is unrelated. anyhooooooooo :)

so. quite pathetic right? i know. but it definitely explains alot. this is beyond just nostalgia, it's some sort of condition. and wow, if i didn't have God, i'd probably be in a mental hospital already. 

how else can i describe my almost painful aching desperate hope of going back into the past? 

:)

i'm so loser right i know :D haha. 

see how much i love you all. you better love me back. these are early symptoms of serial killers.

:) bai!

and blog, i forgive you. but if you do it again, i will go to wordpress.