Interesting that the last I came here to blog in March I was feeling those things, here I am in late October, another version of myself again.
Life certainly has a way of feeling a bit like a simulation to me, like things just happen. Like the experiences and needs and wants are really temporary and subjective, it is wildly different in the internal and sometimes external of one person to another. I dont even know what i'm getting at - just that here I am, 32, in my house that I have with my husband because we got married, i dont live with my parents anymore, they are in their house, aging. just sommmeeetimmeesss, i feel like i will wake up from a long dream and i'm back in my 16 year old self from those mega naps.
Life just passes, like this year i went on a work trip to the Seattle on my own, in business class amd great hotel with a decent allowance, and stopped by Korea and Japan to live my best solo traveller life, met my colleagues who I've only ever met online - like in writing that's crazy bonkers, i got to travel almost all-expense with the best experiences overall like its so great when other people get to travel for work but then me, i did, to a place i never thought i'd ever get a chance to go? and yet - its just a thing that happened and passed?
Maybe I can say recently, some big things have happened to us also which just makes me like, its just..an event? a memory? its so not tangible and how you wanna be or feel from that moving forward is so up to you for the best or worst, and again, its subjective to you.
This year has really passed by for me with great experiences. January - Bangkok with my close friends, February - spontaneous trip to Korea with Sheng, March - Japan with Sheng and in-laws, May - US, Korea, Japan for work. Throw in two Singapore trips for Seventeen with my sister, and alone for Arsenal and a really fun work trip too. did i miss anything? i just feel so grateful and so meh at the same time. but i guess thats life, things and experiences are really empty without a purpose. without all those, if the year had just been average, where would i be now and how would i feel?
Anyway, with God in the picture, I have at least one new perspective that has been a great revelation or at least, drawn me closer with God.
In my previous lament, it was about feeling so helpless about how tough and different and discriminated it is to be a woman. and i guess since it was a strong feeling since March, imagine about 6 months of just feeling such injustice and unfairness - maybe also as I get further along in marriage and age and have just more collective experiences of really how peaceful it must be to be a man. they just be them.
but me? as a woman? wow. the physical itself? every month and the hormones and the pain/change of pregnancy and all the symptoms of pain and fatigue etc - i've complained enough on this blog throughout my life on how its affected just daily life.
and just the discrimination and concern for safety and wellbeing or just being heard and taken seriously - and i'm feeling this without anything major happening to me even, i have a great environment around me, imagine those women who dont have that.
but my latest gripe and maybe the most 'first world problem' of it all are just the internal and external expectations and responsibility of being a woman. again, maybe feeling more of the responsibility of it as a household manager now compared to when i was just my parents' daughter. i am now someone's wife and housekeeper.
really UNFORTUNATELY i am bothered by messes and those small details and grievances that just stay in my mind and soul that honestly i think men are very happy and peaceful inside, or imagine if they also felt this way, i think they would explode along with all the other things i need to worry about. a big thing too is like medical gaslighting of women - yes that sounds very online of me - that most medical studies focus on men and women are just, asked to take a pill or lose some weight, which is so ridiculous.
i mean, i can paint this picture easily. i might be hormonal, in pain, irritable, i might not know why - i'm in that mental state of discomfort - i'm out, worried about my safety, hoping nothing i'm wearing is too revealing or attractive - worried about any man or group nearby me staring uncomfortably or trying to take a picture - i'm trying to decipher if something some guy said to me was meant to mean more or to be manipulative - i come home to clean up messes, even the extra things like clearing the hair from the drain or making sure the hand towels are clean?? and double checking if the gate and doors are closed - i need to manage the social calendar of birthdays and celebrations and family events - sometimes its just the fact i need to wear a stupid sports bra to work out and its so hard to get a good one thats comfortable and its so hard to take off when a guy can just wear whatever or just be shirtless and walk out of the house!
all these add up you know, i dont even know why i need to feel like i'm carrying this weight. partially, really do think i'm spending too much time on social media and being too focused on this agenda. its real and its true but there are much better truths i could meditate more on. that's my first lesson too - a recent sermon i listened to challenged me, do i want to be influenced by culture or Scripture? i can decide. knowing or understanding all these things - how have i gone to God in any of this?
and i can remember and focus on how women are also made in God's image, and He made us different too, from men. there may be a burden but there's also many great and wonderful gifts. i dont feel like going into that because i'm being a real negative Nancy now but. my final thought was that - i have the opportunity to be closer to God so much more through all my pain and feelings of injustice - the more i can see God and rely on Him in my everyday life, big and small.
so overall, yes things just happen, people just be, time just passes. but i remember i have a hope in a God who knows and cares for me deeper than i can understand, for a bigger purpose, and a bigger life and plan in eternity.
thank you for listening.
i have been on a massive cleaning and re-decorating phase. excited. and losing money. bye.
