happy birthday to me! I want to write today, to kind of look back lovingly to my past, and to my future self and keep this state of self in my memory.
firstly, i acknowledge a certain sadness in growing older and in a way hitting this threshold of not being a kid/teen/fresh grad person anymore. i'm fully expected (in my own eyes anyway) to be as adult as i can be in every aspect.
i think if you know me i am not a person who likes to take responsibility, i know it sounds so flaky and immature, but i notice more and more about this aspect of myself. i think i am a reliable enough person generally, but even i wouldnt consider myself 100% dependable, the way i see some people in my life are, like my husband or my sister for example. i want to be free of expectations, and walk at my own pace figuratively and literally.
i cant or i think shouldnt really play around anymore in terms of my free time and relationships - it really needs to be more wholesome yes and with my life firmly guided by my spiritual beliefs, being productive is more than just a human thing, it is a Godly thing. not busy, not occupied, but productive and meaningful and helpful to not just myself but others around me.
so yes i cannot simply act, talk, dress, etc in any way i want. i have really been working towards this over the last few years to either align my outside to my inside or my inside to my outside and step by step it is less overwhelming.
secondly, i have been intentionally telling myself to be prepared for whatever is next - i have to go and do the next hardest thing in life eventually, which is to start a family. i really grieve whatever freedom and personal space/time i have to sacrifice, but i must keep remembering it will be worth it? as more of my peers and friends start a family vs those continuing their current path, you must acknowledge the differences in the future direction. i also tell myself that it will not cause any rift or prejudice of course, but life will change and i am coming to terms with it. i have seen and begun to understand more of the selflessness of my parents for me, it is crazy. crazy crazy crazy.
imagine going on that journey, while also constantly making sure you're improving as a wife, not just a mother. putting your marriage and household as something you're always working on for the benefit of all. ask either of us, this year has been tough and each resolution feels better than the last and we must keep failing forward.
thirdly, maintaining friendships and other important relationships in your life to make sure you're not just accidentally being reclusive and just being around other like minded people and eventually your worldview gets so narrow - i always worry about this haha but of course for now, i can only see and appreciate the people i have around me - and nihilistically, i have always been pre-sad about my other close friendships that i know will eventually suffer. i WILL do what i can to preserve and maintain what i can, but i cannot get too emotional if it doesnt meet my expectations.
and lastly, just having to keep moving up in career. can't keep doing what i've been comfortable doing. and trust me, every year and especially this year has been a push, a tall order, to try and prove to my bosses, peers and myself that i'm deserving of a promotion. a year ago i would say no i'm not ready, and now its like yeah well i'm doing too much so give it to me. i say this always, sometimes i think i'm overpaid/overvalued and sometimes i think i'm underpaid/undervalued. either way. i just know, i really hate working. they ask me whats my passion, my passion is to not work. huhu so sometimes i just worry trying to reconcile how to be content but also motivated at work enough to enjoy my life outside of it - then i think well its literally been almost 7 years trudging up that mountain, you can continue trudging lol
OK struggles aside - this next part is for me to realize what's good about this part of my life and i am overall, happy.
being older really means caring less about the small things - it is so freeing to not worry about insignificant things that earlier me would have thought to be insignificant. being older allows you to move on more quickly. i think i have a good learning attitude and dwell positively in regrets haha
this helps in overall self confidence, not worrying too much about how others see me or react or feel and its nice not having that negative self-esteem that seemed to eat me up so much as a younger girl. i want to take this space to say, i like how i look, i like how my personality turned out, i like how comfortable and straightforward i feel, i like how even if i'm not speaking my mind or being represented 100% fairly, i dont even really care about that.
what helps is also being more financially independent, i'm not saying in rich in anyway as i look bleakly at my bank balances, but it is nice to grow and see how the value of something changes and you can worry less about small things. its clothes and food really, makes me happy. if i need it, and i can focus on putting my money towards more quality things, i feel so free compared to earlier me, where every ringgit counts. there are still many areas in life i guess that i still am careful, but it must be not important enough to me to make it a cost i'd like to spend on and i am also fine with that. if you can spend a lot on haircuts, makeup and manicures then good on you. and in fact, what is 'a lot' is also so subjective so you do you
so if i were to meet my younger self, i'd be quite impressed with the person i am today. maybe a bit more physically fit would be better haha but i would tell myself to just keep appreciating each good moment that passes by and dont waste too much time on useless things/people
and to the future me, i hope you keep improving yourself, to grow the integrity of being more sincerely selfless and caring for others (including whatever future family i may have) and not let things of the world like money or work hold me back, to live a life that shows others how good God is
and one day be fitter and skinnier haha
and more diligent on chores
and i hope i am not always so tired
amin
