30 is the new 25

happy birthday to me! I want to write today, to kind of look back lovingly to my past, and to my future self and keep this state of self in my memory.

firstly, i acknowledge a certain sadness in growing older and in a way hitting this threshold of not being a kid/teen/fresh grad person anymore. i'm fully expected (in my own eyes anyway) to be as adult as i can be in every aspect. 

i think if you know me i am not a person who likes to take responsibility, i know it sounds so flaky and immature, but i notice more and more about this aspect of myself. i think i am a reliable enough person generally, but even i wouldnt consider myself 100% dependable, the way i see some people in my life are, like my husband or my sister for example. i want to be free of expectations, and walk at my own pace figuratively and literally.

i cant or i think shouldnt really play around anymore in terms of my free time and relationships - it really needs to be more wholesome yes and with my life firmly guided by my spiritual beliefs, being productive is more than just a human thing, it is a Godly thing. not busy, not occupied, but productive and meaningful and helpful to not just myself but others around me. 

so yes i cannot simply act, talk, dress, etc in any way i want. i have really been working towards this over the last few years to either align my outside to my inside or my inside to my outside and step by step it is less overwhelming.

secondly, i have been intentionally telling myself to be prepared for whatever is next - i have to go and do the next hardest thing in life eventually, which is to start a family. i really grieve whatever freedom and personal space/time i have to sacrifice, but i must keep remembering it will be worth it? as more of my peers and friends start a family vs those continuing their current path, you must acknowledge the differences in the future direction. i also tell myself that it will not cause any rift or prejudice of course, but life will change and i am coming to terms with it. i have seen and begun to understand more of the selflessness of my parents for me, it is crazy. crazy crazy crazy.

imagine going on that journey, while also constantly making sure you're improving as a wife, not just a mother. putting your marriage and household as something you're always working on for the benefit of all. ask either of us, this year has been tough and each resolution feels better than the last and we must keep failing forward. 

thirdly, maintaining friendships and other important relationships in your life to make sure you're not just accidentally being reclusive and just being around other like minded people and eventually your worldview gets so narrow - i always worry about this haha but of course for now, i can only see and appreciate the people i have around me - and nihilistically, i have always been pre-sad about my other close friendships that i know will eventually suffer. i WILL do what i can to preserve and maintain what i can, but i cannot get too emotional if it doesnt meet my expectations.

and lastly, just having to keep moving up in career. can't keep doing what i've been comfortable doing. and trust me, every year and especially this year has been a push, a tall order, to try and prove to my bosses, peers and myself that i'm deserving of a promotion. a year ago i would say no i'm not ready, and now its like yeah well i'm doing too much so give it to me. i say this always, sometimes i think i'm overpaid/overvalued and sometimes i think i'm underpaid/undervalued. either way. i just know, i really hate working. they ask me whats my passion, my passion is to not work. huhu so sometimes i just worry trying to reconcile how to be content but also motivated at work enough to enjoy my life outside of it - then i think well its literally been almost 7 years trudging up that mountain, you can continue trudging lol

OK struggles aside - this next part is for me to realize what's good about this part of my life and i am overall, happy.

being older really means caring less about the small things - it is so freeing to not worry about insignificant things that earlier me would have thought to be insignificant. being older allows you to move on more quickly. i think i have a good learning attitude and dwell positively in regrets haha 

this helps in overall self confidence, not worrying too much about how others see me or react or feel and its nice not having that negative self-esteem that seemed to eat me up so much as a younger girl. i want to take this space to say, i like how i look, i like how my personality turned out, i like how comfortable and straightforward i feel, i like how even if i'm not speaking my mind or being represented 100% fairly, i dont even really care about that. 

what helps is also being more financially independent, i'm not saying in rich in anyway as i look bleakly at my bank balances, but it is nice to grow and see how the value of something changes and you can worry less about small things. its clothes and food really, makes me happy. if i need it, and i can focus on putting my money towards more quality things, i feel so free compared to earlier me, where every ringgit counts. there are still many areas in life i guess that i still am careful, but it must be not important enough to me to make it a cost i'd like to spend on and i am also fine with that. if you can spend a lot on haircuts, makeup and manicures then good on you. and in fact, what is 'a lot' is also so subjective so you do you

so if i were to meet my younger self, i'd be quite impressed with the person i am today. maybe a bit more physically fit would be better haha but i would tell myself to just keep appreciating each good moment that passes by and dont waste too much time on useless things/people 

and to the future me, i hope you keep improving yourself, to grow the integrity of being more sincerely selfless and caring for others (including whatever future family i may have) and not let things of the world like money or work hold me back, to live a life that shows others how good God is 

and one day be fitter and skinnier haha 

and more diligent on chores

and i hope i am not always so tired 

amin 

I'm a shadow of myself

I can only think I'm trying my best - everyone is different on how they perceive things, or is this a liberalist/post-modernist excuse that makes me less accountable for my actions.

My chase to be as objective as I can be is extremely laughable. I don't want to be ignorant but at the same time if I keep thinking I know or understand everything and am aware of the possible blind spots - is an infinite argument because if I settle on that then I'm already telling myself I know everything and I know all the things I don't know which is the exact opposite. But then I think...is the opposite of that just always being the one that surrenders and says, well I just don't know. That also seems like an easy way to excuse yourself from the responsibilities of your thoughts and actions.

Deep sigh of relief typing that out, this is an exercise to untangle my brain.

And one more thing I'd like to pull out of my brain

Here is another season of Arsenal fandom. Where I feel the stakes (of my emotions) are the highest they will ever be in recent years. How poetic it would be to win this season on our 20th anniversary of our last EPL trophy. Last season was great but equally painful - but after many months of recovery you can look back and remember that we have progressed greatly and there was more good things than bad.

How I enjoyed the wins and the news and the podcasts again when things were going well - but because the hope took you by surprise that yes disappointment would also come.

But this season with everything on the line and the new signings and expectations, my hope has never been this high and I just know the higher the climb the harder the fall so it will be an exercise for my emotions again.

Why all this just for football hah please i've had this unhealthy relationship with football for almost 15 years, longer than some of my closest friendships to date. 

I also deserve happiness in the form of a trophy please huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Sekian terima kasih.

Growing and going

Here I am almost gonna be thirty, not that 29 is a big difference and we don't need to dramatize everything but I'm still learning to be the master of my life and even writing that it's like nope, you're not, God is the God of my life and that is as final and true as it can ever be.

If I follow my own style of writing throughout the years, or at least remember some bits of thoughts and emotions as I'm writing - what I do know is I always worry about what others think and that I always want to make sure I don't misrepresent myself and want to clarify so many things and bring so much context to everything.

Not just so in the way as to actual human eyes reading this, but no, into all my thoughts and actions in real life I feel I am, or want to be, as self aware as I can possibly be.

Believe it or not, this year, I'm actually on a journey to being an even more confident version of myself and I HOPE it is from a good and positive place and not from being even more frustrated, cynical and nihilistic about things.

Because it makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again, and I have a deep mistrust of almost everybody and there's always a lens then gets clearer more and more unto their flaws and imperfections. I was just thinking that in my day to day thoughts and life with people, I think I'm quite open and give people the benefit of the doubt and lots of room and grace BUT funnily enough a little bit of WELL WHATEVER BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE ANYWAY and I just can't be bothered to take things too personally or get offended because maybe deep down, I don't care or love people enough that their actions SHOULD matter to me.

I hope you get my flow of thought but I maybe don't care? I look back at all the times where maybe I am the first person to back down or think nah maybe they're right and I hold my peace or try to change myself but I'm having this feeling, a reassurance, some clarity, some support, from God that maybe, there's a strength to this. Maybe, God made me this way and I will get the courage and wisdom to make my stand for things I believe in. Maybe I start taking authority in what I believe is right and as peaceful and amicable as He made me to be, there are things in my life where I need to rely even more on because it may be unpopular or all those things I dont like to be, but if it is rooted on truth, I should.

There's an ideal or expectation (that you think looks the most impressive or cool) in your life around this time. I was going to leave the post as it is but I came back to this part and thought I should list them out specifically so I can be honest with myself and hear how silly I sound.

1. I should be advanced in my career and progress so that comes with working in a more impressive or glamorous industry, company, role, with more money, more benefits, more power, more freedom

2. I should be able to connect and network and have friends who are similar or are as or more fun, interesting and impressive with cool activities in cool places 

3. I should have the freedom and ability to travel or do fun things with fun people in my free time, to discover and express myself more in my hobbies, interests, music, and self care

4. I should look more put-together, professional, elegant, with my own standard for weight and condition of my hair, skin, fashion, behavior, in the things that I own

5. I should have the ability to impact people and bring value, be of importance, be relatable but also impressive, be genuine, warm

6. I should be able to be more mature and wiser in my actions, decision making, planning and be competent and organized in many or all areas of my life

Okay after i listed it out, it does sound mad. I dont think about this all the time dont worry. just sometimes. overall i am quite happy with myself laaaaaaaaa

Maybe just being more grownup and growing up with everyone around you makes you see more of how different we all are and of course it's hard to deal with that. 

There is honestly a lot more to express (as usual) but it all draws back to the same conclusion. Infinite things are upon us and the more we are aware of that the better and I can take peace knowing that at least that is one step in the right direction. I cannot understand some people are so happy being themselves. (this is me showing my judgement again)

And of course, I know, I have my own infinite blind spots. For one, being married easily highlights my terrible lack of ability to communicate my feelings and a deeper level of pride within myself that I ever imagined.

I am quite afraid of the future and even more commitments because well yeah my plate feels pretty full right now, I don't know how I would have the mental capacity to take on more things.

At work I have more responsibilities and expectations than I would ever have (at least it's not stagnant?) so that's another whole story. Owning your own home and having to worry or take care of that making sure everything is clean, functioning, welcoming, maintained, it's a full time job. My personal financial management has always been a joke but even more so now its crazy. On top of that, you have another human who is your most favorite and important person with you, so you also add on all their good and bad into your life. It's like extra everything. and again, differences are inevitable but getting through it is tough. you can celebrate the wins and milestones and progress but sometimes its just overwhelming.

Imagine having kids, I literally can't even.

I will leave myself and whoever you are with this last thought. As much as there's so many things and people and yourself that you don't understand, can't accept, can't control, can't comprehend; I know God is great and He is good and He loves me and knows me more than I know myself. He can and is changing me to be more like Him and I have a great life now and in the future with Him. 

goodnight also being old sucksss your body is so fragile