I think one of the pains of growing old and developing into an adult is just being more cynical and jaded of life as part of the learning process.
I'm so tired of adjusting my expectations on everything and everyone in life only to be constantly surprised and disappointed until the easy thing to do is the harden your heart or never take anything seriously or having 100% trust on anything.
I miss being able to take things at face value and not worry about the many other reasons, possibilities or outcomes. But time and time again we have to keep adapting and re-understanding things.
For example, people, are really serious complicated and ambiguous human beings. The easiest ones that come to mind are usually celebrities or people we look up to in any professional or leadership capacity. As great as you think someone could be, suddenly they get 'exposed' or 'cancelled' and you're trying to be like what? humans are hypocrites? nobody is perfect? we're all hiding something? no integrity? have malicious or selfish intentions?
Even if someone you might know more closely that you look up to, you think they're so cool, so collected and you could be inspired by, slowly its a nope, they actually have lots of weaknesses and not all you thought them to be whether its right in your face or something they try to hide. Or certain aspects of them are really great but those same traits could be harmful.
Or maybe them or circumstances are just unfair, like you being exposed to a certain part of them as a privilege, and they could treat someone else like dirt.
In extension to people is just everyday life and everything that happens as a result of people's shortcomings. All other relationships, anything related to career and money and business and politics and everything.
Even if its not something BIG, just something small like when someone says they're so sure of something, and if you really push it then they're like eh maybe not ah.
Like I feel like i have question everything and even myself, like how sure should i be of myself. Whats the balance of being confident or having faith even without all the answers and what is being crazy.
and i feel like i'm already double checking and making sure and trying to cover all angles and being empathetic to everything, so when something surprises me it really just knocks me out.
Handsome boy? Yeah he's abusive and takes advantage of others. Pretty girl? Manipulative and uh has done plastic surgery. Inspirational leader? Abandoned their family. Advanced society? Yeah wouldnt have accomplished that without slavery.
Mother Theresa? Actually caused more deaths and put up a front to earn money. and so many more haha
and in the end, you still have to take into account ah that what we're presented with might be wrong also. Anyone can frame anything to make it look good for them. Just think of all history and what the colonizers will be happy for you to believe for them to look good. How any of our media and politics can LIE on the front page to our faces because it benefits someone else.
So yeah, i'm kinda tired of life.
I mean, i doubt any of this is new to you. I just feel as we get older, the patterns are more prominent, more and more people in your life march to their own beat, and i'm so inclined to just be, WELL THATS LIFE.
Of course when its someone you know more personally we have to journey with them the same way you hope people continue to forgive and teach you and love you despite yourself.
Thats why being married to someone is also so scary; complete acceptance of someone else with all their flaws, while exposing yourself to them and both being accountable to each other. You both won't be perfect and you have to keep learning how to love and accept all parts of them.
Like how grow up and learn our parents are not superheroes, and they have their baggage also and they are doing their best despite that.
It's like imagine you want to be completely pissed at crazy people like Hitler or Trump but you dig deep and realize its the society they were raised in that also failed us and everyone is a product of something.
Its like to create a proper human being you have to like have the formula of like completely loving family and parents, raised with enough freedom but discipline and creativity and financially able to be given opportunities, and socially capable to build relationships, to be skilled and capable to have a career and growing in maturity to hold your own and build your own family. How many people really even have this???
It's great if you're more optimistic to be able to look at things on the bright side. I feel i can do that to, to give people the benefit of the doubt and control what I can control, but are other people even doing that for me? i surely hope so, but its not about me. Its just hard to have rest and peace in all things people do or say or are.
Is it just post modernistic or liberalist views that seem completely limitless? Everything and everyone is completely fluid. Everything has a reason and justification and everyone has their own feelings and experiences and opinions, we can't place any judgement on anything. So many social problems like hate crimes, racism, and corruption, why are people literally so difficult ah and to them ah, in their mind, its completely justified.
Is it we are on the journey then to find something definite, absolute and 100% guaranteed? Or will you feel limited and suffocated.
This is why we can't align ourselves or base our identity on relating and understanding things. Even people you love the most.
Time and time again, I am reminded God is constant. Here on earth we might be hardwired to distrust everything because we are so used to it, but can you have the faith that God truly loves and is 100% true to His word and promises, and not selfish.
Just sharing with you all that i feel overwhelmed and hopeless like most of the time, and God keeps me grounded. I am loved and have a purpose and am certain of my future and eternity. If anything, the depravity of human behavior should point us even more to God.
Ok i feel like 10% better after writing this.
Its really messy but i believe i made my point haha
Anyway, idk who reads this or what but if we can talk more about this whole topic that would be nice too because my brain is tired of keeping it in
