Your world is precious

Oh my goodness what has changed in just 8 months since I last posted. Honestly, my rate of change in the last few months has been the most exponential ever, who am I now even seriously

In a shallow and immature perspective, I'm glad time has passed, some parts of life are just ugly and have to be trudged through and any time passed where you did not fully lose your mind, is to be celebrated. and at least, even if maybe not a better person overall, a person that has been leaning on God more than ever - so its not all for nothing.

let's get one thing out of the way - Arsenal's season is coming down to few pivotal remaining games and I am a nervous wreck. It's incomprehensible how much something completely out of control would have such potentially painful or joyous outcomes. Like last week waiting for VAR and the referee to confirm a disallowed goal, that few minutes and just hearing the final verdict live - like? these are life altering things - my core memories are being formed at this very second. and yeah, just a few more of those until end of season.

again, i hate that this affects me. its not that deep, just football, there are more pressing things in my life and in the world. i hate to admit much of bad moods especially in April have come because a bad Arsenal game has amplified other negative things in my life. not proud of it. never want to go through this again. let's just win some trophies and take it easy for future seasons. 

in relation to that, i got the opportunity to travel for work again to Boston, and opted to transit through London and visit the Emirates for the first time, also again, otherworldly experience. should have fought to get Fulham tickets ah but whatever. i really will never want to travel far without my husband again. my memories and experiences while alone is nothing compared to when experienced and formed together with him. 

A reminder overall that everytime in life I feel regretful that oh no, this is my only and final opportunity for this or that - usually i get surprised and reminded, how can i know whats coming up for me ever? so. glad to experience Boston this time, with less jetlag and more planning, enjoying business class again and expenses covered. Same feeling like last year, it sounds so awesome, but in the end, when i was there i couldnt wait to come home, and this is all just an event to pass, a memory, in this simulation of life.

i've been practicing more journaling recently to better manage my thoughts and feelings, and sad to report, it helps so much hahah

the negative snippets:

- life is so ridiculous 

- time is so relative

- things are so unfair

- i'm going crazy, i'm just a crazy old lady

- others is others

- i just dont want to spiral (ps, have been spiralling)

- its sickening to help others who don't want to be helped, when i also need help?

- i feel so deflated

- my husband is insane, i am irrational

- i am just an outlier

- it's normal to feel helpless and hopeless

- everything is so shallow, everything is so heavy

- at a loss, panicked, disengaged

Don't worry though. if this is like 40% - the other 60% is allowing space for positivity, clarity, dependence on God. for His love, promises, protection, blessings, forgiveness, etc.

Never have i felt more of His presence in my life. You see those negative things up there? that's a very natural dark place the spirit wants to wallow in but! 2 Timothy says - God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. This, and many other revelations throughout this period of my life has helped me so much to grow and really know it's not up to me and that's ok. for now. i feel like a shallow bowl holding as much as i can, everytime something small or big disrupts it or adds to it i feel like the whole thing tips over and i need a lot of time to reset myself again.

also a reminder that as alone as i feel sometimes, i have my husband and his support and how we go through tough times together and understand each other more in our low times.

in my desperate attempts for distraction i have also turned to art, design, fashion - a lot of relying on creative outlets for self expression, distraction yes but well, its better than social media. 

its weird being this way for me for such a period of time. its also very natural to want to dismiss these feelings and gaslight yourself into thinking these are not useful or important emotions. but of course, it is not the way to handle it. it is extremely painful to hold all the pessimism and optimism together but it can be done. i have so much to thank God for - but it doesnt mean i can't feel sad for the other things which are not great. i know people go through worse things - that doesnt mean your feelings and experiences are not valid. 

it's also a bit tiring when like lamenting to God, with God. like you can get very jaded in this perpetual cycle of hating everything, but like God i dont hate you, i know you have plans and promises and provision etc etc for me, yet its ok i'm upset things dont go my way but yes you have a better perfect plan, i just dont know it yet, but God is also not cold and dismissive, He knows how i feel in every aspect. so its very paradoxical and can get cynical, very human nature. its scary to think if pushed, i can really see how some people walk away. So it's not like i have to be hopeful and optimistic all the time, but also hey, as much as you want to wallow, you need to surrender that to God and allow yourself to be changed. are you just gonna keep a closed mind and closed heart forever? feels like a kid getting angry at a parent for a rule or a punishment they dont understand, when its being done with love. only of course God is way better than any human parent and human wisdom.

toughest time of my life so far, even writing this there's a part of me like omg you're so dramatic, which i try to smack away. i'm proud of how i better process things, and honestly, i hope la, hold a lot more space for others going through tough times or worse, better than i previously could. 

ok you see, i feel better writing this down.

Home and home again

 Interesting that the last I came here to blog in March I was feeling those things, here I am in late October, another version of myself again.

Life certainly has a way of feeling a bit like a simulation to me, like things just happen. Like the experiences and needs and wants are really temporary and subjective, it is wildly different in the internal and sometimes external of one person to another. I dont even know what i'm getting at - just that here I am, 32, in my house that I have with my husband because we got married, i dont live with my parents anymore, they are in their house, aging. just sommmeeetimmeesss, i feel like i will wake up from a long dream and i'm back in my 16 year old self from those mega naps.

Life just passes, like this year i went on a work trip to the Seattle on my own, in business class amd great hotel with a decent allowance, and stopped by Korea and Japan to live my best solo traveller life, met my colleagues who I've only ever met online - like in writing that's crazy bonkers, i got to travel almost all-expense with the best experiences overall like its so great when other people get to travel for work but then me, i did, to a place i never thought i'd ever get a chance to go? and yet - its just a thing that happened and passed?

Maybe I can say recently, some big things have happened to us also which just makes me like, its just..an event? a memory? its so not tangible and how you wanna be or feel from that moving forward is so up to you for the best or worst, and again, its subjective to you.

This year has really passed by for me with great experiences. January - Bangkok with my close friends, February - spontaneous trip to Korea with Sheng, March - Japan with Sheng and in-laws, May - US, Korea, Japan for work. Throw in two Singapore trips for Seventeen with my sister, and alone for Arsenal and a really fun work trip too. did i miss anything? i just feel so grateful and so meh at the same time. but i guess thats life, things and experiences are really empty without a purpose. without all those, if the year had just been average, where would i be now and how would i feel?

Anyway, with God in the picture, I have at least one new perspective that has been a great revelation or at least, drawn me closer with God.

In my previous lament, it was about feeling so helpless about how tough and different and discriminated it is to be a woman. and i guess since it was a strong feeling since March, imagine about 6 months of just feeling such injustice and unfairness - maybe also as I get further along in marriage and age and have just more collective experiences of really how peaceful it must be to be a man. they just be them.

but me? as a woman? wow. the physical itself? every month and the hormones and the pain/change of pregnancy and all the symptoms of pain and fatigue etc - i've complained enough on this blog throughout my life on how its affected just daily life. 

and just the discrimination and concern for safety and wellbeing or just being heard and taken seriously - and i'm feeling this without anything major happening to me even, i have a great environment around me, imagine those women who dont have that.

but my latest gripe and maybe the most 'first world problem' of it all are just the internal and external expectations and responsibility of being a woman. again, maybe feeling more of the responsibility of it as a household manager now compared to when i was just my parents' daughter. i am now someone's wife and housekeeper. 

really UNFORTUNATELY i am bothered by messes and those small details and grievances that just stay in my mind and soul that honestly i think men are very happy and peaceful inside, or imagine if they also felt this way, i think they would explode along with all the other things i need to worry about. a big thing too is like medical gaslighting of women - yes that sounds very online of me - that most medical studies focus on men and women are just, asked to take a pill or lose some weight, which is so ridiculous.

i mean, i can paint this picture easily. i might be hormonal, in pain, irritable, i might not know why - i'm in that mental state of discomfort - i'm out, worried about my safety, hoping nothing i'm wearing is too revealing or attractive - worried about any man or group nearby me staring uncomfortably or trying to take a picture - i'm trying to decipher if something some guy said to me was meant to mean more or to be manipulative - i come home to clean up messes, even the extra things like clearing the hair from the drain or making sure the hand towels are clean?? and double checking if the gate and doors are closed - i need to manage the social calendar of birthdays and celebrations and family events - sometimes its just the fact i need to wear a stupid sports bra to work out and its so hard to get a good one thats comfortable and its so hard to take off when a guy can just wear whatever or just be shirtless and walk out of the house! 

all these add up you know, i dont even know why i need to feel like i'm carrying this weight. partially, really do think i'm spending too much time on social media and being too focused on this agenda. its real and its true but there are much better truths i could meditate more on. that's my first lesson too - a recent sermon i listened to challenged me, do i want to be influenced by culture or Scripture? i can decide. knowing or understanding all these things - how have i gone to God in any of this?

and i can remember and focus on how women are also made in God's image, and He made us different too, from men. there may be a burden but there's also many great and wonderful gifts. i dont feel like going into that because i'm being a real negative Nancy now but. my final thought was that - i have the opportunity to be closer to God so much more through all my pain and feelings of injustice - the more i can see God and rely on Him in my everyday life, big and small.

so overall, yes things just happen, people just be, time just passes. but i remember i have a hope in a God who knows and cares for me deeper than i can understand, for a bigger purpose, and a bigger life and plan in eternity.

thank you for listening.

i have been on a massive cleaning and re-decorating phase. excited. and losing money. bye.

Call me back

 Some darker pessimistic feminist worldly thoughts 

Marriages and relationships really seem to benefit men and burden women - to me. Don’t want to generalise traditional roles and I understand both have strengths and weaknesses but well I’m also the product of my current society and can’t help but agree with the what comes into my algorithm

I want to write some selfish things down here

I don’t know

How do we deal with this unfair hand dealt to us 

Slippery slopes

 it all started with me watching one of the many kdramas, which is about this person being able to suddenly go back in time to change her crappy life bit by bit

my life is in no way crappy of course but somehow this trope really stuck with me until now, its been a couple of months and i find my mind wandering back to what i would change

yes overall i am quite a live in my head person, with a strong tendency to be nostalgic and wistful but also a quite lets move forward and not live in regret person, so i'm in this limbo of thoughts which i think is not very helpful and better i write it here and let it go

because lets face it I CANT CHANGE THE PAST but ohhhhh all the things i would do if i could - does it make me appreciate the present more, no - i didnt get a scrooge-like transformation

 let me tell you about me now. 

i find my most current version of myself very interesting. previously i've always liked myself but i feel more developed now, like unlocking further software updates of different parts of my brain which was in the grey previously.

we listen and we dont judge ok - some of these things will be quite shallow, i'll try to find something more meaningful once i've written it down haha

firstly, i am a lot more interested and aware of fashion and makeup and skincare and i feel like i now REALLY understand how some things work. like what really works for me and what big and small differences certain things make, and i have the effort to want to do it. for example, one of my favorite makeup products now is blush - one year ago me and younger would never touch blush. it seemed unnecessary and frivolous, my face is already red and seriously who has time and who cares about these things - well now thats me, i do and i think it makes SUCH a big difference

and thats gonna be a theme of most things, what was once so subtle really adds up and matters - if you want to decide that those things are important to you

like even my hair i would NEVER take the time to blowdry it let alone use products and i only curl it in one way for any big events. now, i reallly am willing to do those things and i like what i see haha

i would also only want to get like really thinned hair and too many layers like back then i thought i locked down what i thought looked good but nah man, blunt cuts are the way to go serious

same for skincare etc - previously i think i was quite good already e.g. making sure i dont over exfoliate and make sure i double cleanse etc but now i realllly get my skin and what irritates it and what helps it and i'm willing to stick to this routine

as for fashion, my goodness, like colors and fits and styles omg i am so happy and excited to talk about it - i wouldnt say i was unfashionable now, but i reallllly appreciate the subtleties of all things fashion better now, like how even a good graphic tshirt with a great fit and material makes all the difference, and i really like understanding my own style now - i'm even willing to wear socks and cute sneakers ok - you ask me last time i am slippers 200% of the time

and somehow now, i am able to get my butt moving to exercise as frequently as almost 5 times a week, is that crazy? i have found redeemed time and effort! and yeah it has a profound impact on my health - and i'm happy that progress is being made 

i'm not saying i'm perfect now or ever will be but WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE to reach these conclusions earlier in my life to enjoy it further. it doesnt feel like that much extra effort?

so really, what has been my motivation for this? if in the end all of this results in just looking better, i am happy to take it as that. thats why i said its shallow.

i personally of course think my character and the inner beauty bla bla things have grown as well, my maturity in handling many new and different challenges in adulthood like in relationships, career and other personal developments - but nice getting all these things while also being more confident because of how i look on the outside

maybe i really only could have achieved all this at this time of my life where i have more financial freedom to experiment and purchase more things that suit me, and more time to think and absorb knowledge from social media and really analyze how i look and feel more etc

maybe i am just getting more vain

SO if i could go back in time, even in high school, i could have said myself from so many bad decisions and logic breaks down very quickly because would i even be who i am now with all those 'crutches' early on 

other than looks, to be fair, i would have certainly improved my character and how i treated people around me better

or just not taking things seriously, except maybe studies. that makes life so one dimensional... i had time and resources to focus on my fitness too, now i feel like i'm running out of time to hit my body goals as age catches up

that makes me feel the most regretful though, that i never really was a genuine, sincere and thoughtful friend to many - idk if i am that now too, but at least i am trying - back then, maybe like most people who were young, life is viewed in a very selfish and narrow perspective. i didnt really listen to learn about people, or really want strong, quality friendships - its more about what can i get 

i would try to shoulder more of the burden of my parents and the household - now that i'm in my house, i really see all the things they did for us, its incomprehensible

usually this train of thought overwhelms me a bit, because of the regret and the second guessing of myself thinking why is striking such a nerve to me for so long. 

and other than those outward things which are fun to do, i feel incapacitated for the other things. i'm scared and i'm also very comfortable, lazy and still selfish.

anyway, happy to talk about makeup, skincare, fashion and fitness. 

for the rest, i'm looking for some empathy and some solutions.

We should stick together

Many months have flown by since the last post but I can give a summary and theme of what's been happening right after February.

• I left Great Eastern, my first ever job and many beloved colleagues and friends - almost 8 months on and I still miss them so much, and happy to still keep in touch with them and the drama that's been happening here and there. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed, I'm not so confident I would have risen to the challenge of my promotion and the expectations and responsibilities there, and not to mention absolutely dragging my feet through the parts of the job I hated. and I'm OFTEN reminded that certain things going on there would have continued to peeve me and kill my spirit with how little it can be changed - SO my takeaway is that I wish I could pack up alllll my favorite people and take them with me

• My life at Liberty so far - it has been AMAZING. Many people ask about how it's been and I'll never get tired of seeing surprised faces when I'm telling them how genuinely rewarding it's been, usually job moves are quite humbling if not average so I'm happy to break the norm. I'll tell you more later!

• The focus of my work here is very specialized and involved, compared to my previous role where I felt it was too much of a stretch and not being to excel at any one part - so here I truly get to grow and learn in new areas, such as continuing my charge into the insurance industry, now in General insurance, while also building technical and analytical understanding. For now since it's still new I'm kept on my toes in a good way, but still having flexibility and more control over my work life. I work with a much more diverse pool of stakeholders and the culture change is a breath of fresh air. 

• For now, most things like even the tech, software platforms and office location etc etc is very much green green grass. Things like now having my Teams and Outlook on my phone makes things very convenient, and yes I realize many companies have this too but I'm really just comparing to GE. 

• It's also just me revisiting my future in a HR related role because now I'm not attached to HR so I get to be external to that and tbh HR has it's own quirks and considerations but overall it's just a lot of being at the mercy of more stakeholders and having more expectations and responsibility set over you whereas my role now is really just meant for growing talent and helping the business. I try to remember my previous day-to-day of just fighting fires, helping to solve big and petty problems, being diplomatic to carefully, tactfully and professionally manage people both above and below, ugh, it's unnecessary drama. 

• I also got to travel to Bangkok for two weeks in June for work, my first international work trip, and it felt great. Maybe some people are used to it or it's a normal thing, but let me celebrate this as a privilege. I should get to go at least once a year from now on, fingers crossed on visiting any other country especially to HQ in Boston, one day, even if not next year or the year after.
   
• For now I'm still feeling slightly lonely and like an outsider as I don't have a direct peer in my team here, they're all reporting to me. I'm working on my other peer connections, and of course get to continue on this path of working with fresh grads and seeing them grow and improve - just this time I'm almost on a similar learning path as them. My flexible arrangements do allow me to connect with people right after or between working hours like seeing my other friends during lunch and all so I'll hope to keep taking advantage of that.
• Things are never perfect though, there are difficult individuals here and there, I fear some of the more technical things might elude me forever and maybe after a couple of years, I can foresee some repetitive aspects but I don't worry about it too much. I need to be a lot more disciplined for sure - i just KNOW i would never be able to adjust to any future role which requires me to be in the office everyday. Crazy how most people still need to do this?

•  OK done with that, sorry for the incorrect usage of bullet points. We move on!

• I also had an amazing friends trip to Korea and Phuket. I really, really, really, love my friends. Despite the usual differences of personalities and travel styles, I take it as a big blessing to be able to firstly, afford all this without a very strict budget, and get everyone's ability as people get busier and busier, and still generally enjoy growing friendships and memories together. I just am sad because I know it'll be harder and harder to get these again in the future. 

• What else? My husband had quite a serious shoulder surgery and it's not easy to worry about his physical capability when he's been more than extremely reliable in this area in the past and what was hoped to be long in the future but pish posh in the end it seems recovery is going very well and honestly, his weakened state is still stronger than my strongest state -_-

• To which I've been making progress over my physical health and weight, not that there are major differences yet but i can feel a momentum building towards spending more time on exercise and eating more mindfully. I'm looking forward to being less weak (not just more strong haha)

• Supporting Arsenal has been extra rewarding and extra painful, what else can I say

I actually wanted to post about something else, but it's nice to recap the last few months and look back at the many positive things.

There are some difficult patches too, that's for another time.

TQTQTQTQ

Happy songs

Happy Taylor swift songs stuck in my head like a happy playlist 

I feel it’s rare to be generally quite happy and content so I thought I would note it down 

I was so happy I even wrote how happy I was in one of my WhatsApp group chats to share 

I’m on a holiday now with my family in law and it’s not like everything is perfect of course there are some challenges and thoughts and worries about life as usual. My husband already gave me multiple heart attacks and my nag meter is through the roof 

I concluded again that I miss and like my life in malaysia a lot despite its many problems, probably mostly because it’s what I know and am used to, but not wrong to be grateful for it

So yes I’m happy on a holiday of course because it’s a short commitment free pocket of life, I only need to get a drink and walk through the city with some sunshine, also cos my husband is helpful planner and I’ve been able to turn off my brain 

It’s also nice to get more opportunities to be closer with my family in law, as tiring as it can be sometimes to learn new things about different people

But overall it’s nice to not worry about work, cny is usually quite fun but also stressful so now we’re away so it’s an interesting experience

Why else am I happy? I’m a month away from changing my job which is crazy i definitely need a whole post on that but it’s the next phase in life for me to look forward to, and of course financially as well there’s gonna be a difference.

Although I still have some financial worries constantly as we all do, I always need to remind myself how blessed I am and remember to be thankful for the small things which is part of my attitude now anyway hence this post 

I’m also just planning for a Korea holiday with friends, the places I wanna go and the people I wanna go with

Maybe underlying tone is also that as much as I like this worry free life, I know I won’t go crazy going after it to fill any emptiness or discontentment. It will be the normal thing to aim for this lifestyle whether it be through more money and early retirement etc, but I know it’s back to the normal life after this.

Literally the only thing that would make me happier is that if my dress today had pockets serious 

30 is the new 25

happy birthday to me! I want to write today, to kind of look back lovingly to my past, and to my future self and keep this state of self in my memory.

firstly, i acknowledge a certain sadness in growing older and in a way hitting this threshold of not being a kid/teen/fresh grad person anymore. i'm fully expected (in my own eyes anyway) to be as adult as i can be in every aspect. 

i think if you know me i am not a person who likes to take responsibility, i know it sounds so flaky and immature, but i notice more and more about this aspect of myself. i think i am a reliable enough person generally, but even i wouldnt consider myself 100% dependable, the way i see some people in my life are, like my husband or my sister for example. i want to be free of expectations, and walk at my own pace figuratively and literally.

i cant or i think shouldnt really play around anymore in terms of my free time and relationships - it really needs to be more wholesome yes and with my life firmly guided by my spiritual beliefs, being productive is more than just a human thing, it is a Godly thing. not busy, not occupied, but productive and meaningful and helpful to not just myself but others around me. 

so yes i cannot simply act, talk, dress, etc in any way i want. i have really been working towards this over the last few years to either align my outside to my inside or my inside to my outside and step by step it is less overwhelming.

secondly, i have been intentionally telling myself to be prepared for whatever is next - i have to go and do the next hardest thing in life eventually, which is to start a family. i really grieve whatever freedom and personal space/time i have to sacrifice, but i must keep remembering it will be worth it? as more of my peers and friends start a family vs those continuing their current path, you must acknowledge the differences in the future direction. i also tell myself that it will not cause any rift or prejudice of course, but life will change and i am coming to terms with it. i have seen and begun to understand more of the selflessness of my parents for me, it is crazy. crazy crazy crazy.

imagine going on that journey, while also constantly making sure you're improving as a wife, not just a mother. putting your marriage and household as something you're always working on for the benefit of all. ask either of us, this year has been tough and each resolution feels better than the last and we must keep failing forward. 

thirdly, maintaining friendships and other important relationships in your life to make sure you're not just accidentally being reclusive and just being around other like minded people and eventually your worldview gets so narrow - i always worry about this haha but of course for now, i can only see and appreciate the people i have around me - and nihilistically, i have always been pre-sad about my other close friendships that i know will eventually suffer. i WILL do what i can to preserve and maintain what i can, but i cannot get too emotional if it doesnt meet my expectations.

and lastly, just having to keep moving up in career. can't keep doing what i've been comfortable doing. and trust me, every year and especially this year has been a push, a tall order, to try and prove to my bosses, peers and myself that i'm deserving of a promotion. a year ago i would say no i'm not ready, and now its like yeah well i'm doing too much so give it to me. i say this always, sometimes i think i'm overpaid/overvalued and sometimes i think i'm underpaid/undervalued. either way. i just know, i really hate working. they ask me whats my passion, my passion is to not work. huhu so sometimes i just worry trying to reconcile how to be content but also motivated at work enough to enjoy my life outside of it - then i think well its literally been almost 7 years trudging up that mountain, you can continue trudging lol

OK struggles aside - this next part is for me to realize what's good about this part of my life and i am overall, happy.

being older really means caring less about the small things - it is so freeing to not worry about insignificant things that earlier me would have thought to be insignificant. being older allows you to move on more quickly. i think i have a good learning attitude and dwell positively in regrets haha 

this helps in overall self confidence, not worrying too much about how others see me or react or feel and its nice not having that negative self-esteem that seemed to eat me up so much as a younger girl. i want to take this space to say, i like how i look, i like how my personality turned out, i like how comfortable and straightforward i feel, i like how even if i'm not speaking my mind or being represented 100% fairly, i dont even really care about that. 

what helps is also being more financially independent, i'm not saying in rich in anyway as i look bleakly at my bank balances, but it is nice to grow and see how the value of something changes and you can worry less about small things. its clothes and food really, makes me happy. if i need it, and i can focus on putting my money towards more quality things, i feel so free compared to earlier me, where every ringgit counts. there are still many areas in life i guess that i still am careful, but it must be not important enough to me to make it a cost i'd like to spend on and i am also fine with that. if you can spend a lot on haircuts, makeup and manicures then good on you. and in fact, what is 'a lot' is also so subjective so you do you

so if i were to meet my younger self, i'd be quite impressed with the person i am today. maybe a bit more physically fit would be better haha but i would tell myself to just keep appreciating each good moment that passes by and dont waste too much time on useless things/people 

and to the future me, i hope you keep improving yourself, to grow the integrity of being more sincerely selfless and caring for others (including whatever future family i may have) and not let things of the world like money or work hold me back, to live a life that shows others how good God is 

and one day be fitter and skinnier haha 

and more diligent on chores

and i hope i am not always so tired 

amin 

I'm a shadow of myself

I can only think I'm trying my best - everyone is different on how they perceive things, or is this a liberalist/post-modernist excuse that makes me less accountable for my actions.

My chase to be as objective as I can be is extremely laughable. I don't want to be ignorant but at the same time if I keep thinking I know or understand everything and am aware of the possible blind spots - is an infinite argument because if I settle on that then I'm already telling myself I know everything and I know all the things I don't know which is the exact opposite. But then I think...is the opposite of that just always being the one that surrenders and says, well I just don't know. That also seems like an easy way to excuse yourself from the responsibilities of your thoughts and actions.

Deep sigh of relief typing that out, this is an exercise to untangle my brain.

And one more thing I'd like to pull out of my brain

Here is another season of Arsenal fandom. Where I feel the stakes (of my emotions) are the highest they will ever be in recent years. How poetic it would be to win this season on our 20th anniversary of our last EPL trophy. Last season was great but equally painful - but after many months of recovery you can look back and remember that we have progressed greatly and there was more good things than bad.

How I enjoyed the wins and the news and the podcasts again when things were going well - but because the hope took you by surprise that yes disappointment would also come.

But this season with everything on the line and the new signings and expectations, my hope has never been this high and I just know the higher the climb the harder the fall so it will be an exercise for my emotions again.

Why all this just for football hah please i've had this unhealthy relationship with football for almost 15 years, longer than some of my closest friendships to date. 

I also deserve happiness in the form of a trophy please huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Sekian terima kasih.

Growing and going

Here I am almost gonna be thirty, not that 29 is a big difference and we don't need to dramatize everything but I'm still learning to be the master of my life and even writing that it's like nope, you're not, God is the God of my life and that is as final and true as it can ever be.

If I follow my own style of writing throughout the years, or at least remember some bits of thoughts and emotions as I'm writing - what I do know is I always worry about what others think and that I always want to make sure I don't misrepresent myself and want to clarify so many things and bring so much context to everything.

Not just so in the way as to actual human eyes reading this, but no, into all my thoughts and actions in real life I feel I am, or want to be, as self aware as I can possibly be.

Believe it or not, this year, I'm actually on a journey to being an even more confident version of myself and I HOPE it is from a good and positive place and not from being even more frustrated, cynical and nihilistic about things.

Because it makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again, and I have a deep mistrust of almost everybody and there's always a lens then gets clearer more and more unto their flaws and imperfections. I was just thinking that in my day to day thoughts and life with people, I think I'm quite open and give people the benefit of the doubt and lots of room and grace BUT funnily enough a little bit of WELL WHATEVER BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE ANYWAY and I just can't be bothered to take things too personally or get offended because maybe deep down, I don't care or love people enough that their actions SHOULD matter to me.

I hope you get my flow of thought but I maybe don't care? I look back at all the times where maybe I am the first person to back down or think nah maybe they're right and I hold my peace or try to change myself but I'm having this feeling, a reassurance, some clarity, some support, from God that maybe, there's a strength to this. Maybe, God made me this way and I will get the courage and wisdom to make my stand for things I believe in. Maybe I start taking authority in what I believe is right and as peaceful and amicable as He made me to be, there are things in my life where I need to rely even more on because it may be unpopular or all those things I dont like to be, but if it is rooted on truth, I should.

There's an ideal or expectation (that you think looks the most impressive or cool) in your life around this time. I was going to leave the post as it is but I came back to this part and thought I should list them out specifically so I can be honest with myself and hear how silly I sound.

1. I should be advanced in my career and progress so that comes with working in a more impressive or glamorous industry, company, role, with more money, more benefits, more power, more freedom

2. I should be able to connect and network and have friends who are similar or are as or more fun, interesting and impressive with cool activities in cool places 

3. I should have the freedom and ability to travel or do fun things with fun people in my free time, to discover and express myself more in my hobbies, interests, music, and self care

4. I should look more put-together, professional, elegant, with my own standard for weight and condition of my hair, skin, fashion, behavior, in the things that I own

5. I should have the ability to impact people and bring value, be of importance, be relatable but also impressive, be genuine, warm

6. I should be able to be more mature and wiser in my actions, decision making, planning and be competent and organized in many or all areas of my life

Okay after i listed it out, it does sound mad. I dont think about this all the time dont worry. just sometimes. overall i am quite happy with myself laaaaaaaaa

Maybe just being more grownup and growing up with everyone around you makes you see more of how different we all are and of course it's hard to deal with that. 

There is honestly a lot more to express (as usual) but it all draws back to the same conclusion. Infinite things are upon us and the more we are aware of that the better and I can take peace knowing that at least that is one step in the right direction. I cannot understand some people are so happy being themselves. (this is me showing my judgement again)

And of course, I know, I have my own infinite blind spots. For one, being married easily highlights my terrible lack of ability to communicate my feelings and a deeper level of pride within myself that I ever imagined.

I am quite afraid of the future and even more commitments because well yeah my plate feels pretty full right now, I don't know how I would have the mental capacity to take on more things.

At work I have more responsibilities and expectations than I would ever have (at least it's not stagnant?) so that's another whole story. Owning your own home and having to worry or take care of that making sure everything is clean, functioning, welcoming, maintained, it's a full time job. My personal financial management has always been a joke but even more so now its crazy. On top of that, you have another human who is your most favorite and important person with you, so you also add on all their good and bad into your life. It's like extra everything. and again, differences are inevitable but getting through it is tough. you can celebrate the wins and milestones and progress but sometimes its just overwhelming.

Imagine having kids, I literally can't even.

I will leave myself and whoever you are with this last thought. As much as there's so many things and people and yourself that you don't understand, can't accept, can't control, can't comprehend; I know God is great and He is good and He loves me and knows me more than I know myself. He can and is changing me to be more like Him and I have a great life now and in the future with Him. 

goodnight also being old sucksss your body is so fragile 

Buckles

What a time 

Just feeling some extreme growing pains again. pretty overwhelmed today. Some small things trying to cover for the big things and the small things fall through and the big things are like UM HEY

I doubt my coping mechanisms are any good, but hey I've made it to where I am today as a mildly successful grown adult right, right?

Just, really, there's no manual for anything in life. I hate being so indecisive or so immobile but really, i doubt anyone has been confident to make decisions in things they have no clue about, extremely urgent time crunch, mind-numbingly expensive, and have zero support or space to have a comfortable discussion about.

And before i want to look at other people i can only blame myself. like its so millennial of me to try to find some root cause of trauma in my childhood or something that can help me find out why im like this

I find myself physically incapable to say whats wrong with me, i find it so jarring and the opposite of casual but hey laura people have problems and try to solve them not bury them or hope they go away

idk it just feels so claustrophobic recently you know, like all the air is sucked out, its dark and you cant see any way around

i sometimes feel overwhelmed and thats illustrated with lots of unknown open space and streets and buildings but now its dark and suffocating and small.

and you know what pissseeeesss me off, its probably a medium sized problem but because im hormonal or whatever i feel like crap and when i feel better im like eh can brush that off but was that ever a real valid emotion that should have been dealt with or what even

anyway, just lots of money and time and energy and changes and lack of progress? lack of control in things?

and what if really not everything can be solved, so you really just need support sooooooo laura can you open your mouth and ask for help or nah 

Life is like a hurricane

Been going thru some work stuff recently; as we always seem to be haha 

Just making me ponder again, on how and why i'm where to be, and why do our expectations and reality somehow never align.

So it seems like I truly will be where I am for the next year or two more - meaning im gonna be one of those people working in my first and the same company for about lets say 5-7 years.

and that has its own negative connotations.

before i go any further, i need to remind myself that this is in our very narrow context and demographic. mostly from a corporate operational role, and from the perspective of middle to upper class mostly English educated group and generally conservative upbringings. meaning doesnt take into consideration more dynamic/irregular roles and other economic backgrounds. this eliminates those on slightly more extreme sides of the spectrum or just maybe rather to me in this very sheltered view of mine - completely average?

so if i ever ask my bosses, my parents, some uncles and aunties, and some of my friends who might be on the more conservative side; they would say i'm making the right choice by staying put. so let's dissect that.

safety and security is key. and with covid and a shaky economy, my company looks like a real nice stable rock. i understand their upbringing might lead to this thinking too. not taking unnecessary risks. why fix what isnt broken? i have comfortable compensation and benefits provided.

am i still learning and growing here? i surely am. but some people say you can learn and grow anywhere, and maybe even more so in somewhere less comfortable. but i can say a majority of it still feels interesting and not draggy. idk if thats the baseline but i dont believe anyone who's super excited and passionate about their work all the time la. there are many examples of 'successful' people who stay in a few companies their whole life. 

how about my impact or reputation or dare i say, legacy here. honestly being familiar with the company helps me a lot with my job. with both the more explicit and subtle nuances that one navigates in corporate. my performance and reliability meets expectations. so it brings me to:

one positive factor for sure is the comfort and culture and lifestyle i've grown accustomed to and maybe even take for granted. i have plenty of flexibility and autonomy which i greatly even more appreciate this year with wedding and renovation errands all round. timing and deadlines and even dumb things like wearing my slippers around the office allows me to focus on the things i need to. when im busy i really am, but i know i can rely on the understanding of my team. covid of course plays a role, where we have a hybrid arrangement of work in office and from home which i like; the moment we have to be in the office 100% then all this changes hahah

my team itself is great. i can say people are the biggest factor of why anyone should really consider staying put because great people make it great, but difficult people will really drag you down. no one is perfect and all kinds of people can challenge you in a good way of course; but just saying my team so far is great to work with. there are of course less savory people around but not in a way which directly affects my work. so i have visibility with the right people, i meet the expectations i need to, i get to control who i get to work more closely with and impact, and they're always fun.

soooooooooo whyyy might anyone want to consider leaving all of this?

the company is not perfect of course, as there surely are weaknesses. there are some old fashioned mindsets or deep rooted negative culture that exists, a lot of which are out of our control or could take too long to change.

we are an insurance company, and mainly within singapore and malaysia so the scope will be limited to that.

the circumstances are not going to be permanent. changes of people and policies can easily disrupt my currently comfortable ecosystem. 

well and out there its big wide world isnt it?

i'm sure you've heard that changing companies help to guarantee a significant pay rise. thats true.

how about growing your scope and possibly exploring something new? a different industry?

maybe there could be a place or group of people where i find myself more effective?

and sometimes, its okay to think about money, i mean, its just a job right? its another part of my life, if im working hard either way then i might as well earn more? 

and sometimes i think, maybe im just not a very ambitious person. i know there are those out there who aim high and have the desire and opportunities to change the world. some for more money some for less money. 

then i guess its just expectations of ourselves or who are we constantly benchmarking ourselves to. \

and overall just being unsure of my future (also as im sure we all are) and just...hardly being able to imagine myself as upper management or having much more expectations and responsibilities. and it all drills down to being, UGH i dont want to work haha

im sure all our capabilities and competencies grow and evolve, and also thinking like hey maybe even if i change my path like maybe now is the best time to do it? before having kids and more commitments? isnt now the best time to try and possibly fail?

so you see all these factors just play around and my way of coping is just telling myself to go through day by day and wait for time to pass.

luckily i have things to look forward to this year; as painful as waiting can be sometimes; now is kinda crunch time where im like heh time slow down so im sure it'll pass by quickly. im just worried about later on in life.

if you want to ask me about God's purpose and direction and path then it probably relates most to the point about people. who i get to impact, and who influences me positively and negatively. and being comfortable enough allows me to focus my time and energy on non-work related things.

either way. theres no do overs in life and we cant go back in time to make changes. we can really only compare with what we know and those things around us now only. 

so i will say things are good for now. we cant help wondering and wandering but we have to live with the consequences of our choices. there may be more ideal circumstances out there if you're truly looking for it, just be more certain of our intentions and end goals. 

to end, one thing i tried today to help get rid of my overly pessimistic view of life is to be more grateful. like with more effort. despite all my complaints and unhappiness or nitpicking. i trust God is good to me all the time.

i have a good family and good upbringing and good roof over my head.

i have good space and freedom to do what i need and to grow.

i have a good partner and future and many blessings to build my next phase of life.

i have good friendships and relationships.

i have a good amount of money to aid my lifestyle and save for the future.

i have a good career which allows me to be productive and competent and contribute to society.

i have good experiences both past and present and future.

i have good self esteem and self love and self image.

i have a good church with good leaders and good vision.

i have good health and physical capabilities.

i have good access to comfort, entertainment and rest.

not saying i should just shut up and be thankful because life is smooth. just trying to have perspective, especially before another week of work again and i want to kill everybody.

thanks gubye.

Fire

 Such a strong urge to be the first one to prove yourself, or let go first, or be better in some way. For self preservation, pride, ego.

How hard must it always be to swallow your pride, hold your tongue, turn the other cheek, be the bigger person, take the higher road?

Where does this sense of inferiority or injustice stem from? I really wonder where it comes from and what good can come from it?

So selfish of us to value only ourselves but in the end get even more unhappy at the outcome you’re trying to get. Do I want others to think of me as outstanding, impressive, effortless etc or don’t think of me at all and why must I care 

I came back to this

Actually I’m just sad, I was sad even from the start knowing one day it would end

I’m sad that I can’t be 100% myself and I have many many walls. Congratulations if you’re a person who can express their feelings and do what ever you want confidently. There’s only pain in overthinking and making assumptions and being calculative

Even telling myself the best thing is to have no expectations, that’s what a coward would do to avoid dealing with their self discomfort

I say I’m a realist but I’m not, there’s nothing I somehow end up doing more than turning off my mind and plunging into distractions and imaginary happiness

Step out of the voices

You know there's sooo many paths that one can take in every single area of your life, whether planned or not, and what motivates you and gives you purpose. could be relationships or career or just trying to explore or run.

might be scary to have so many options or would it be equally scary to stay put in one place and be comfortable to be where you have been all your life and not far from the apple tree.

sometimes its a path nurtured by your family and environment, like its expected of you to pursue an education or career somewhere and do something super cool and interesting and build a life elsewhere. whether its some cool corporate job, or world-changing and community helping, or having freedom to backpack across mountains and beaches on a moped or pick apples on a farm and have no responsibilities. 

we could have all started the same place like in primary school but little did we know that almost literally everyone would be on a different trajectory and staying in Subang with your family and your safe corporate job is not on anybody's mind.

there is nothing wrong with that, or nothing right or wrong with anybody's path really whether they chose it or it just happened that way. some people could just think or dream it but end of doing something else, either pushed by positive opportunities or negative circumstances. 

so i have to keep telling myself that too, because all my life i have felt very very average. if you want to compare it with someone less fortunate than me then i should really be grateful and I AM. i really am. sometimes i can be very happy just doing the next thing, i have great friends, family, partner, a job i dont hate all the time haha and a house i get to live and be comfortable in. i can look forward to the next few milestones in my life and the lives of others around me and i guess that can sustain us, it can be the best most of us hope for. so yes i know some people can look at that and think ah, that's lucky, i wish i had that.

but we cant help to compare or think what if isnt it.

you see others around you who are achieving bigger things in life, furthering their education, doing significant or substantial or entrepreneurial things, have such tangible and practical skills and talents and making money and going places. especially when its people who started at the same place as you or even those younger than you and have so much potential. thats when you feel so plain and potato and vanilla.

then its like hey, what do i do well even. its quite painful you know this existential crisis, like you're not allowed to feel bad you do. maybe if i never knew what was out there and that the Klang Valley is my happy little bubble, sort of like i'm a small town girl. its a painful painful want to be able to drop everything and run off to travel and try out new things and have no worries..

but kind of knowing that deep down i really can't do it. whether i cant afford to (in all resources) or whether i am just not called to it and that i have other things i'm supposed to do here. or is that the easy way to think of it. like i should stop scrolling too much of social media and bury my head in the sand in JUST BE CONTENT here.

and i guess its easier when most people around you are doing about the same thing, making the best of what we have here and we're walking together.

but people can do anything they want to do and i guess thats what makes me sad, that its so unpredictable and its not like i care they do things that surpass me but it feels like im being left behind in the physical sense. i miss so many friends and family that i wish was just here. and that those that are still here will be here forever. dont go anywhere please. stay with me. i cant bear with more and more change.

i know it sounds great to go to somewhere and earn more money, have better work culture, live in country where you're not discriminated or its not being run by idiots, or are given opportunities to pursue things that simply just cant work out here.

again, as from my last post, change is a constant and we cant control others nor in any way i should feel begrudged or sad, because i can only control my own path and find my own peace and happiness and contentment and joy in what i have. i guess i can only appreciate the time i have with the ones that i love, and only be happy for wherever they find their next step in life if its near or far from me.

just one more additional layer of it is God's calling and purpose for our lives. it may be easy for us to do the selfish or self-serving thing but it might not be God's plan. but that's vague and possibly inconclusive, and we can be useful anywhere right, and God wants the best for me?

i stay here to...impact people where i can be? God might not call of us to be super cool, interesting, dynamic, competent, intelligent world changers - it should be equally (or more?) meaningful to lend yourself to others around you which are lacking in other ways, and you have your own skills and strengths to help them.

just feeling inferior or inadequate sometimes, or amazed at people's capabilities and energies to explore so many amazing things and i'm just following this straight line. 

or am i having a mismatch of expectations for myself? am i the classic millennial that has been thinking that i am entitled to so many things but cant deal with reality? if i believe i am supposed to be more in any way, but i'm just doing this plain boring thing. im just another face in the corporate world and people are easily surpassing me in ranking and salary and achievements - and i'm struggling with managing my emails and simple tasks?

ahck. growing up is sucks. sorry i have no closing encouraging words.

Too many roads

I think one of the pains of growing old and developing into an adult is just being more cynical and jaded of life as part of the learning process.

I'm so tired of adjusting my expectations on everything and everyone in life only to be constantly surprised and disappointed until the easy thing to do is the harden your heart or never take anything seriously or having 100% trust on anything.

I miss being able to take things at face value and not worry about the many other reasons, possibilities or outcomes. But time and time again we have to keep adapting and re-understanding things.

For example, people, are really serious complicated and ambiguous human beings. The easiest ones that come to mind are usually celebrities or people we look up to in any professional or leadership capacity. As great as you think someone could be, suddenly they get 'exposed' or 'cancelled' and you're trying to be like what? humans are hypocrites? nobody is perfect? we're all hiding something? no integrity? have malicious or selfish intentions?

Even if someone you might know more closely that you look up to, you think they're so cool, so collected and you could be inspired by, slowly its a nope, they actually have lots of weaknesses and not all you thought them to be whether its right in your face or something they try to hide. Or certain aspects of them are really great but those same traits could be harmful.

Or maybe them or circumstances are just unfair, like you being exposed to a certain part of them as a privilege, and they could treat someone else like dirt. 

In extension to people is just everyday life and everything that happens as a result of people's shortcomings. All other relationships, anything related to career and money and business and politics and everything. 

Even if its not something BIG, just something small like when someone says they're so sure of something, and if you really push it then they're like eh maybe not ah. 

Like I feel like i have question everything and even myself, like how sure should i be of myself. Whats the balance of being confident or having faith even without all the answers and what is being crazy.

and i feel like i'm already double checking and making sure and trying to cover all angles and being empathetic to everything, so when something surprises me it really just knocks me out.

Handsome boy? Yeah he's abusive and takes advantage of others. Pretty girl? Manipulative and uh has done plastic surgery. Inspirational leader? Abandoned their family. Advanced society? Yeah wouldnt have accomplished that without slavery. 

Mother Theresa? Actually caused more deaths and put up a front to earn money. and so many more haha

and in the end, you still have to take into account ah that what we're presented with might be wrong also. Anyone can frame anything to make it look good for them. Just think of all history and what the colonizers will be happy for you to believe for them to look good. How any of our media and politics can LIE on the front page to our faces because it benefits someone else.

So yeah, i'm kinda tired of life.

I mean, i doubt any of this is new to you. I just feel as we get older, the patterns are more prominent, more and more people in your life march to their own beat, and i'm so inclined to just be, WELL THATS LIFE. 

Of course when its someone you know more personally we have to journey with them the same way you hope people continue to forgive and teach you and love you despite yourself. 

Thats why being married to someone is also so scary; complete acceptance of someone else with all their flaws, while exposing yourself to them and both being accountable to each other. You both won't be perfect and you have to keep learning how to love and accept all parts of them.

Like how grow up and learn our parents are not superheroes, and they have their baggage also and they are doing their best despite that.

It's like imagine you want to be completely pissed at crazy people like Hitler or Trump but you dig deep and realize its the society they were raised in that also failed us and everyone is a product of something.

Its like to create a proper human being you have to like have the formula of like completely loving family and parents, raised with enough freedom but discipline and creativity and financially able to be given opportunities, and socially capable to build relationships, to be skilled and capable to have a career and growing in maturity to hold your own and build your own family. How many people really even have this???

It's great if you're more optimistic to be able to look at things on the bright side. I feel i can do that to, to give people the benefit of the doubt and control what I can control, but are other people even doing that for me? i surely hope so, but its not about me. Its just hard to have rest and peace in all things people do or say or are.

Is it just post modernistic or liberalist views that seem completely limitless? Everything and everyone is completely fluid. Everything has a reason and justification and everyone has their own feelings and experiences and opinions, we can't place any judgement on anything. So many social problems like hate crimes, racism, and corruption, why are people literally so difficult ah and to them ah, in their mind, its completely justified. 

Is it we are on the journey then to find something definite, absolute and 100% guaranteed? Or will you feel limited and suffocated.

This is why we can't align ourselves or base our identity on relating and understanding things. Even people you love the most.

Time and time again, I am reminded God is constant. Here on earth we might be hardwired to distrust everything because we are so used to it, but can you have the faith that God truly loves and is 100% true to His word and promises, and not selfish.

Just sharing with you all that i feel overwhelmed and hopeless like most of the time, and God keeps me grounded. I am loved and have a purpose and am certain of my future and eternity. If anything, the depravity of human behavior should point us even more to God.

Ok i feel like 10% better after writing this.

Its really messy but i believe i made my point haha

Anyway, idk who reads this or what but if we can talk more about this whole topic that would be nice too because my brain is tired of keeping it in

Back in the atmosphere

 Life is slowly improving, really slowly but it is not zero and it is not negative

Again, work is sucks etc etc

But today, i just want to post how much i miss my friends again. and holidays or simple airbnbs and really hanging out with them makes me feel like im in a pocket dimension, you know where the worries of the world cant touch me for awhile and i just have the fun

I cant recall if i ranted about this before but really its quite sad living the final years of my single life trapped at home for MCO

Its not like being married means i cant do everything, but things change. I feel i've always been a very independent person, and commitment or obligation to anything or anyone is tough. So maybe the past few years we can happily appreciate a low maintenance relationship. 

But i'm engaged, and gonna get married and literally it means two become one. i know post modernist thinking tells us we maintain our individualities and in a way we are two humans but it means so much more than that. I'm no longer accountable to just myself alone

When i was younger like of course i like boys like a normal teen/young adult but the moment there were more expectations or commitments required i would feel so burdened or bothered

Of course i've travelled miles in maturity to be where i am now, of course with the help of a great fiancee, who in certain ways also does benefit from a low maintenance relationship right

i think most people should generally keep some boundaries right but wow marriage is bigg

like its all out there, i cant hide or just think about myself

anyway thats another conversation

my point is can i be with my friends forever can we stay in time when we were younger and more carefree

now we be worrying too much about work and money and responsibilities, we dont have the same amount of time for each other any more :(

I guess this has always been tough about life, when people's life directions change you know, its hard to adjust.

i should also be glad that we do have a group of friends that might always be nearby and journey together with us

so it would be great if covid goes away so we can spend our precious youth together pls huhuhu

Run run runaway runaway babi

 Is it time stopped or what, we're in an endless cycle of disappointment and more disappointment. i doubt there's any hope or anticipation, just a sense of waiting it out. 

and of course the tons and tons of bad news daily on every single platform 

i'm here because i wanted to tweet about how hungry i am but everyone was posting serious stuff all the time i feel like i cant post nonsense anymore

i mean its not i care less about other things or i think people will just think that because of my dumb tweets, and twitter is my safe space of all places, but i guess it really just isnt the time and place

i just, dont want to tweet even more about everything, other than when im ranting

in the end, my circle of influence is private and so small, and i guess everyone in my circle is already woke anyway, what more can i add to impact anyone here

but of course no judge for people who want to complain about it, there's only so much we can hold in during this time

tired of the numbers and stories and looking for any sign of hope in improvement from the vaccinations, hope that the government does something competent for once, hoping and praying everyday my friends and family are safe, trying not to let the sense of doom about our future, the country overwhelm

and legit we're just going through the motions day by day, what are we even looking forward to, i'm sure if i had the choice i would take the option to fast forward auto play the next month at least 

am i even progressing as a human, just feel like i'm maintaining or containing problems, but what is actually going well ah really

ok legit after typing that i was compelled to try and write out some small achievements lel

it took me long to think

1. some slight improvements in fitness? slightly more regular in running and home workouts SLIGHTLY like i can feel the strength and stamina improve, but eating habits still not great because food helps me cope but yeaaaa legit i was gaining weight throughout and then i have this weird mild but persistent knee injury? but hyeah i have big goals to lose like maybe 5kgs in 6 months? 1 year? who knows whats really achievable here im just waiting till i can have badminton in my life again

2. i play a liiil bit more guitar like i've added a few more chords to my repertoire and less awkward with my transitions its still real bad overall haha but its a nice outlet for playing and singing a bit and idk its a skill right, im quite motivated to keep upping my effort on this

3. i cut my hair, i cut ye shengs hair, i learn from youtube, i got improve

4. how about at work? hmm some change in portfolio and more tasks and responsibilities, i am cry everyday but overall it could be worse is that the healthy way to look at it? sometimes we're all just a lil weak and dramatic i just need some things to be a lil bit more normal and MCO makes things harder huhu

5. we've been talking to contractors about the house renovations, its a real learning process about...renovations and architecture and interior design, which i love i do just sometimes its a bummer about how much things cost. but at least there's movement in this? nothings determined or committed yet, and sometimes the uncertainties or things that are really out of our league of understanding is frustrating, and communication wise its not always smooth - but hey now's the best time to do it right so yea 

6. did i achieve anything else? ermmmm i think i improved my pumpkin gnocchi recipe after the billionth time - so i just freeze the dough and use it when i need to. 

a fun thing i like to think about to help myself is when i have my own house is finally controlling my own kitchen and fridge, cos right now there's no space for me to put anything anywhere 

ice cream, frozen gnocchi dough, frozen cookie dough - erm yea that's the extent of it for now haha

okay i feel like maybe 1% better 

take care everyone :(

Happy and healthy, not me

 i cant recall if i ever blogged about Olivia Rodrigo before and why is it even on my mind and worth talking about

i shouldnt be ashamed to say that her music is so...relatable. especially if i was my 15 year old self and trying to cope with my seemingly difficult problems and love life. its not mind blowing musical genius, yet it is. and its great that she has found success with that. she managed to put in words and music those terrible growing pains that my 28 year old self looks back and be like wow, so glad i dont have to go through that anymore. honestly, no one should really date til after 18 or even 21. before that you just need to grow and mature a lot as a person otherwise all those small dumb things guys do (that they literally dont even think about or care what it does to you) will seem so important. but now we know its not, and you can't blame them, they're growing up too!

ok i'm done with this, i'm a literal grown woman now. Olivia herself has said she's moved on from that album and has grown from that. good job for her.

but i'm really here today to complain about my period. yeah this seems to be a puberty centered post.

you know my whole life i was always wondering what wrong with me sometimes. not in an existential dramatic way, but i just wonder if or why my body just doesnt work properly sometimes. its not serious enough in a way where you worry about it or do something about it and it drives me crazy cos i keep thinking i'm imagining it, or worse, blaming it on myself when i cant even control it. but you know its there, it affects me. so, not serious enough that it can be properly addressed, but not small enough that you can ignore it.

being suddenly more susceptible to colds and flus?

having low energy or being realllllyy sleepy or tired sometimes.

having random aches and pains.

weird things with my bladder and digestive system.

being emotional, irritable, easily annoyed, very sad etc

so these episodes happen often enough that you notice it and feel like its a regular part of life d, and when it happens it makes me feel quite defeated sometimes because yeah i cant control it, and yet i wonder if im like not getting enough sleep, water, rest, am i breathing in asbestos or something like WHATS UP MAN

and you look at people around you who are always so normal or motivated and high energy and i feel like is my body making excuses or what

but like i said, its sometimes, so some days i feel great, normal, like 100% ready to go and i honestly can differentiate it (now)

as i grow up and try to understand my period and PMS and all symptoms related, i realize i can attribute some things to it, the much more obvious ones like pimples, diarrhea, killer cramps, cravings and hunger. which i'm sure i have complained about enough. my skin is sucks, and i have a stash of panadol or even stronger pain killers with me when i need it. and the up and down cravings and appetite issues.

progressively i noticed a pattern in my moods; like i can't be hating everyone and everything all the time! sometimes its more subtle like feeling more hopeless and even weepy about anything big or small in my life and then the existential crisis - then one day you wake up and be like, nah. i'm good.

it drives me crazy cos like am i supposed to ignore these or address these like what. because when the moods hit low it hits reallly low like i cant be bothered about anything, dont want to talk to anyone etc

then as i get even older i can start realizing a pattern of other things mainly the sudden dip of my immune system. it was a revelation when i started being able to pin point that there would be one or two days in a month (regularly!) where my nose would go running out of nowhere, and if i made it worse somehow (like stressed out or didnt get enough rest or irritated it further) then it would be a full blown cold/flu for a few days. and if i managed it properly, it would be gone literally the next day. i dont get this symptom that badly nowadays, but when i do i get on top of it real quick and i dont let it escalate. but when i'm stressed then it just snowballs.

how annoying is that?!

so one of the things i gained from the MCO and having a bare bones routine for more than a year is that i can conclusively blame my period cycle for a whole slew of the other symptoms. and not even the week before, during and after my period, because ovulation also creates some of these. so can you imagine how little 'normal' days i get in a month

i really try to be objective here and not make excuses or have a victim mindset, or even a self-manifestation type of thing. i almost can predict my full calendar of issues already.

random aches and pains just show up - like i used to think like did i eat something wrong? did i suddenly injure myself and forgot about it? did i not drink enough water - NO ITS MY PERIOD

fatigue and tiredness - there are some days when i just literally am OUT and can sleep for 72 hours and still be tired and i hated these days cos i thought something was wrong with me and i was just a lazy bum. but after getting my vaccination and feeling THAT fatigue, i realized wait if that is a medically induced level of fatigue, i actually experience that every month! i'm not crazy! its bad when it actually affected my education and even work productivity levels.

my most recent observation is how my bladder is affected. this one doesnt bother me as much, but also cos i never realized it was a pattern until now. bladder incontinence is a symptom can you believe it. so some days i will drink a literal SIP of water and have to pee x100000 and some days i drink 2 litres of water and nothing (or just normal) 

anyway the overarching theme here is that there is a pattern, and these things happen like clockwork. and i'm so pissed right now because of my stupid headache that came for no reason (but we now know the reason). last time i would even think, is it the weather is too hot or too cold that i'm like this. but no.

sometimes im very busy or occupied and my period cycle shifts a bit and i'm like having a crazy backache for a week thinking i pulled a muscle while jogging? or i slept weirdly? then BAM PERIOD and the backache is gone (probably replaced by killer cramps) and i'm like OHHH 

so yeah my whole life of always trying to figure out whats wrong with me, i finally have some answers. 

i guess the next thing is figuring out what can be done about it somehow.

i dont think theres a cure? 

i try to work around it like plan big events or things around the worse timings, or try to recognize the symptoms and accept it but not fully succumb to it (unless it real bad) but you cant ask the world to fit around your menstrual cycle la so there are days where you really just have to soldier on and pop more pills or something

i mean in a way, recognizing it helps me to be a lot kinder to myself and not constantly worry what i did wrong, but i'm sure maintaining a healthy lifestyle could help it overall but yeah i dont think i have any bad crazy habits anyway

ok headache be getting worse now and im hungry but no appetite, my knee is in pain 

dont even get me stared on my pimples ugh

thanks for listening, please pity me i appreciate it

Losing games

Feeling very overwhelmed rn and honestly this is the best platform to pour it out haha

Here is where i can get honest about football and not feel judged

Because i have come to realize my emotional connection with football is something i constantly underestimate 

Recently i havent been catching up with football. obviously covid has changed the football atmosphere and there are many disruptions, and another factor would be that we dont subscribe to the sports package on astro anymore lol but most importantly is that Arsenal hasnt been playing that great 

There's improvement here and there but the overall sense of disappoint is still lingering and i have mentioned before that i need to consciously distance myself until things get better. hope feels like a poison to me

You could say i'm being an unloyal fan or a sore loser, and i wont disagree with you. i mean, this has got to be one of the worst seasons i've experienced and its funny because the many tough years should have also toughened me and my expectations

I miss enjoying football though, i still can every once in awhile, and the Euros are coming up again so maybe that will kickstart things

But anyway, i'm here today because i finally had the nerve to listen to an Arseblog Arsecast interview with the Cesc Fabregas and that 1 hour was a crazy experience listening to his firsthand experience of everything, and i can feel myself go back in time to the crazy moments of football, all the joys and pains included, because i started getting into football about the time he joined the club and invested so much in to it and him leaving was PAIN absolute PAIN and listening to him and just pondering about how things could have gone so differently

and it was so relatable its so annoying haha

like if you didnt know about everything you could always just have some level of ignorance and be like its okay, we laypeople will never understand everything and can accept that

but NOoOO now you hear about it and be frustrated and feel his frustration and totally understand him

he mentioned how invested he was in the club and how painful it was for him to not win more trophies as a captain, and he was so young and there was so much pressure

and how Xabi Alonso could have joined!

and how things like all the injuries especially RVP's injury could have the difference between winning a season and not winning

and how he could honestly have joined Arsenal back again 

and so many things

and so nostalgic for me overall, reliving these football days of mine

and how that part of me feels like something i left behind so long ago

like just two or three years ago i would drop everything in a heartbeat to go to Singapore to watch Arsenal play, and like i dont have the luxury to do that anymore at all?

also cause this week i've been emotional and nostalgic in general, brought on by another extension of lockdown, and looking back into my old insta stories and fun times i've had 

really frustrated with covid overall 

missing out on so many things, like, this is the time of our lives before more commitments and im tired of thinking already. i've blogged about this already but i'm sure many of us feel these frustrations so often these days

like i said, hope is a poison

you keep thinking there's something to look forward to like vaccinations, but then this gov is so slow and incompetent and they honestly dont even care or arent even affected -_-

like to me, politics is politics la, there will always be corruption and greed and dishonesty - but whats happening now is really pure incompetence wan

its not any different from being in the working world, where there is incompetence in almost every level and its just a lack of common sense and critical thinking and bad decision making and we cant change that?? we just have to accept it and there are tons of smarter and more deserving people out there and tbh idk but you guys but i feel helpless, that is another pandemic of its own, the pandemic of stupidity

so to leave on a good note, i have to remind myself that there are things worth looking forward to 

right

Next Level

Eeet eez mid May already, half the year has almost passed and it still feels like Q1 somehow. Where did the time go, has it just been a waiting game of checking numbers and vaccine news only for it to end up here, 6k cases today, with 2k+ alone in Selangor.

So we have only regressed.

I'm also tired of thinking and worrying about it, its a constant cycle of worrying things will never be the same and missing out on so many things. to think that maybe 2 years in limbo is a possibility... wow

SO i'm here again to just vent my frustrations.

again sien i have to do the usual disclaimers that i understand covid affects to many people at much more significant and substantial levels, that my complaints here will undoubtedly sound very shallow BUT they are valid to me and i'm not trying to undermine those concerns

these are just the thoughts swimming in my head because yea humans are selfish ah and here are all the things i feel like im sad to missing out on

and i'm just sad for everyone missing out in the respective times of their lives

imagine missing out kindergarten or primary school, the formative years that help build your education, people skills, understanding of the world! but only being able to do that from your own house, with your own family, and trying to learn through a screen

imagine missing out high school, the formative years to help build your self-identity, life-long friendships, navigating teenage life, having fun, especially those in their final years

same goes for uni, though i'm slightly less attached to uni haha 

imagine starting your working life barely having met any of your own colleagues in person, with no other activities or events to break your daily routine, and only having to hear 'oh but because of mco, ....'

so let me share all the things i'm sadly missing out on

1. I miss my friends the most, and all the fun times i'm supposed to be having! my gathering and parties and holidays, and now i'd just happily take lunches and dinners and car rides but NO i get barely anything

ok there are some and i hold those very dear to me, that's all i've had but i cant help longing for those that i wished could have happened

2. I miss all the big social events, family gatherings, extended family gatherings, soo many weddings and fancy corporate dinners. the happy thought of squishing 10 people in one table! sharing food! nice food too

3. I miss my office gym, and being able to workout at such convenience. i hate having to think about working out at home, or looking at this rainy weather. i've had some badminton on and off but it would have also been nice to have it regularly again

4. I miss travelling, i miss being on a plane, feeling lost, preparing for trips and packing? We had one awesome KL airbnb 3 days 2 nights somewhere in the middle when the cases were slightly lower, and it was amazing. need more

5. can't wait to attend a concert after this. tbh i dont really miss cinemas

after this my list will be work related.

6. i miss my colleagues, the camaraderie and teamwork, having everyone around and easily discussing something by just standing up and shouting it out, or heck even airing it out in a physical meeting. i miss sharing food with everyone and swapping work stories 

7. i miss office events and i hate how it spoils the experience for my kids, i'm lazy to elaborate further about my job but i'm just sad that they only get this measly virtual experience. 

8. i'm just sad that this does affect my work, and its something completely out of my control. their two years experience is just going to end with crumbs and i think they would have felt like its a waste of time too.

9. my work revolves so much around people and engagement and i wish there was so much more i could do but i can only keep a distance or plan these stupid virtual things that feel useless 

soooooo let's end on some positive notes

1. i save a lot of money no doubt

2. glad that WFH will be an option in the future forever i hope, just not everyday

3. is there any other good thing happening, i'm lost

phew ok so that's all i can release for now

just hope things will get better, can't keep my life on hold forever 

Side effects

So let's talk about some good things that happened in 2020, a year where a lot of crazy stuff happened, but also can't ignore or be ungrateful for the stuff that did, and even be more grateful that those things happened despite it in fact:

1. We got a house!

A first time posting something public like this in regards to my relationship life I think, cos we dont really post anything on any social media, and I think only those that know us personally currently know what's happening with us. Anyway, this is a major adult step in life! Like, normally i never have any life changing news and my life feels boring and uneventful (in a good way?) so this is a big and very blessed thing to have had the opportunity to motivate me through the year. It certainly helps to calm any major anxiety about the future and stuff, we know we are lucky and we are excited about whatever happens next. This also means more financial commitments and responsibilities but like i said, adulting has to start one day. It felt very long yet very quick at the same time. I think we dont really know the full extent of the commitments and responsibilities until we're really waist deep in it so for now, is just the calm before the storm and ignorance is bliss.

2. Promotion

I got a surprise promotion in Oct which is probably one of the first major highlights or milestones in my career life. I've been in this company for about 3.5 years, and only 1.5 of it at my current role and i've mentioned many times before that its a constant roller coaster of feeling like heck i dont get paid enough for this as much as wow i cant believe they're paying me for this.

I only half-expected this promotion in the mid 2021 cycle, and even then i thought that was optimistic. but i think the stars did align on this one, being a great boss and great managers around me, and trying to accept solid recognition for my hard work and positive fruits. Its natural to sometimes focus only on points of improvement and flaws but i cant say i dont feel validated, encouraged and motivated from this.

Ngl its tough when comparing your career to peers and colleagues, because its surely not parallel, everyone goes through different things and does different things. And ive surely doubted myself in my role, my path, my competencies, my values etc as part of working life. Not saying this promotion validates everything but at least it helps me feel like im going in the right direction, or maybe more accurately not going too far in the wrong direction hahah

It does come with more responsibilities and expectations of course, nothing in life is free. But its good to stretch and be uncomfortable as part of growth. 

And of course it does come with a good increment, which i am beyond thankful for. To get all these in a pandemic ridden year with many people, companies and industries being more unfortunate, i still cant believe the circumstances.

Work life isnt perfect of course, there are imperfect things and imperfect people all around. I'm also undertaking some trainings and certifications which bonds me to my role until late 2022 so welp i'm here forever cant think about going elsewhere first, gotta learn what i can and appreciate the great things among the bad things

3. Lasik

One of the best decisions ever, and one i would recommend to the whole world if they had a spare RM7k lying around (huhuhuhu)

I never thought i'd ever get lasik because of well the cost, the risks and well its just such a drastic thing - like, i'm the most moderate conservative ever - right? But idk, i started thinking about in 2019 (before anything about covid, which oddly, if my surgery was scheduled just a month later, i might never have gotten it at all). Firstly, contact lenses were deeply uncomfortable for me, and i even got a bad eye infection from it the previous year. Like even trying out dailies over monthlies were no different, i'd easily have dryness and discomfort and tiredness from even a mere 1 hour. I only started wearing contacts when i was 21.

The alternative was to just stay with using glasses. Which was how i accepted myself for 27 years of my life anyway, so i think i can comfortably say the motivation is not purely for cosmetic self-affirmation.

Or was it? Isnt that the whole point of why myself and most people switched to contacts anyway instead of glasses? Can we be upfront and say, "i think i look better without glasses" - whose definition of beauty am i conforming to even?! is my self esteem so fragile??

Hmm. Let's be comfortable with that - and can accept that we can be quite shallow, even subconsciously. It's not a sin to want to look better in your own eyes and others, especially if its something you can easily control and not drastically altering (huhu plastic surgery), or 'unaccepting' of how God made you. Yes it does make me feel more secure, and i also wanted that at work and other areas of my life. I think it does give me a different vibe.

Sorry this whole part seems to be tying in the issue of self perception haha

I've always felt like the nerdy girl with glasses - please dont take offence at that. I've literally spent years of my schooling life battling self-esteem as most girls do to reach a point where I still like myself and how i looked and how it affected all my relationships with my community. It also affected my confidence in sports or anything related to something knocking off my glasses.

When i first got contacts as my gift to myself turning 21, a lot of things did change for me internally, i can say i like how i look without glasses and it was so great feeling more 'part of society' during sports or at theme parks or at fancy events (YOU TRY WEARING EYE SHADOW UNDER GLASSES) and i think it helped me feel ok for life at Taylor's hahahah (sorry shallow reference there) and the start of my career.

But as work and work life gets more tiring, its harder to upkeep the contact lens life, and i need to be best at work - not feeling tired at 10am in the morning because of dry eyes. SO as part of 2020 to also motivate myself to look as professional as I can at office to leave the best impression I can, i committed to taking lasik. I did my research and asked so many people about it, seesawing between the risks, but in the end i'm glad i did it. I did have doubts for so long, like thinking man RM7k, i could do a lot with that - i could fund TWO round trips to Korea with that hahah

I could write another whole long post about my experience during, but not now - just know that it's almost one whole year recovering from the surgery and life, is as good as it can be. The freedom and comfort, playing sports, attending events, going on holidays and all was amazing (for a short while until MCO) - no regrets forever. I'm also enjoying wearing sunglasses hahah yes i am shallooowwww

In a way, its also funny because i also did have a full one week MC after my surgery and about 1 month of adjusting back to work right before the MCO hit also made me feel so undeserving of my promotion haha because i was legit blind for awhile. and also perhaps the lack of activities caused by MCO at the early stages may have helped in the healing process too

That being said i also wished life was back to normal so i can enjoy my eyes more

4. I got bangs huhu

I let myself get a bangs as my yolo haircut for 2020/2021 - its a long term commitment. I also back and forth - ed on this for many years, and many months in particular for 2020 and after a series of events, i heckin did it.

I've always had long boring hair, my riskiest move would usually be to cut it like maybe an inch before shoulder length and call it a day. I mean, i do/did like that style firstly, because to me it looks cool and low maintenance and secondly, because IT IS low maintenance. Like sweep it up, tie it up, wont bother you for anything, doesnt make odd shapes, and easily matches my style/look aka just acceptable messy.

At most my second other big decision was dying it blackkkkk instead of previous few years of brown which is meh to me now. lol anyway dying hair is also way too much maintenance, and cost.

SO. Bangs look nice on some people, and i always thought well that didnt include me. But you'd just obsess and notice it more and more on others and be like, WHY NOT TRY. i wont die. hair grows back. and seriously, after the first MCO and all the haircut prices were almost doubled, i was thinking wow i aint gonna pay RM50 or more for just a trim, no way.

SO I DID IT. from then till now i still feel regret like maybe 60% of the time. I have a hate hate okay dont mind relationship with it. SO it is the opposite of low maintenance -_- it bothers my face and eyes and i cant simply sweep it away otherwise it ends up in odd positions, or also if i sleep weird. and if i dont wash my hair regularly its 1000 times more obvious. and i have to pin it for sports and stuff. 

It also somehow refuses to look like Suzy, Lisa, Zooey Deschanel, Dakota Johnson, and just about every other reference i see online, or even in real life, i'd just look enviously upon other random girls with nice bangs.

But oh well, as i said, i have nothing much to lose. sometimes i think it looks nice, and even if its not the nicest look, its alright, i have no major events to attend anyway huhuhuhuhu

But, risks are risks and i have to reward meself for not chickening.

I also, will start investing in the skill of cutting my own hair because leaving my fate to the hairdresser again is a problem in life i dont want to deal with.

5. Holidays and Breaks

I did not get to go to Korea. and i did not get to go to Sibu or wherever my gang would have decided on eventually. no annual trip, only one? airbnb party? 

However, in the midst of it all, it makes me more thankful for the smaller holidays in between. Me and Sheng did manage to go for daytrip to Penang, and our gang managed to even go to Redang in Sept when the cases were going down (HUHUHUHU) and i even went snorkelling! i am terrified of water and i'm amazed i didnt pass out in the open ocean but i did it (with lots of emotional and physical support) 

And here is also especially where lasik felt the most worth it - like for sure i couldnt last out there with contact lenses and wouldnt be able to see a thing without it (yes they have the powered goggles also la though) but yeah i really appreciate the freedom

Overall, i think i posted previously, that its good to have a break from the cycle of life and having more opportunities to work from home and have some extra time on my hands and not feel like a zombie all the time. 

5. Interests and Hobbies

- genuine improvement in badminton

- genuine improvement and understanding of skincare

- very strong renewed interest in interior design because of my future house renovation. I'm almost obsessed, like, is this the start of a new potential career? hheheheheheh I've always liked interior design since young, and i gobble up any home improvement content, up to the point now i feel like i've almost got a formal education on it.

- i must also be sheepishly appreciative of new forms of entertainment in my life, where the gaping hole of football has left in my heart (me and arsenal are on a break for my mental health) being Stray Kids, NCT and Offline TV hahaha why is this even a notable point? i am sincerely grateful to be entertained haha stay tuned for future post on how i must overcome social media addiction i'm serious 

6. I cant think of other things for now, and actually the more i think about it, i usually feel more sad than happy about the things we missed out DUH

ok bye