Your world is precious

Oh my goodness what has changed in just 8 months since I last posted. Honestly, my rate of change in the last few months has been the most exponential ever, who am I now even seriously

In a shallow and immature perspective, I'm glad time has passed, some parts of life are just ugly and have to be trudged through and any time passed where you did not fully lose your mind, is to be celebrated. and at least, even if maybe not a better person overall, a person that has been leaning on God more than ever - so its not all for nothing.

let's get one thing out of the way - Arsenal's season is coming down to few pivotal remaining games and I am a nervous wreck. It's incomprehensible how much something completely out of control would have such potentially painful or joyous outcomes. Like last week waiting for VAR and the referee to confirm a disallowed goal, that few minutes and just hearing the final verdict live - like? these are life altering things - my core memories are being formed at this very second. and yeah, just a few more of those until end of season.

again, i hate that this affects me. its not that deep, just football, there are more pressing things in my life and in the world. i hate to admit much of bad moods especially in April have come because a bad Arsenal game has amplified other negative things in my life. not proud of it. never want to go through this again. let's just win some trophies and take it easy for future seasons. 

in relation to that, i got the opportunity to travel for work again to Boston, and opted to transit through London and visit the Emirates for the first time, also again, otherworldly experience. should have fought to get Fulham tickets ah but whatever. i really will never want to travel far without my husband again. my memories and experiences while alone is nothing compared to when experienced and formed together with him. 

A reminder overall that everytime in life I feel regretful that oh no, this is my only and final opportunity for this or that - usually i get surprised and reminded, how can i know whats coming up for me ever? so. glad to experience Boston this time, with less jetlag and more planning, enjoying business class again and expenses covered. Same feeling like last year, it sounds so awesome, but in the end, when i was there i couldnt wait to come home, and this is all just an event to pass, a memory, in this simulation of life.

i've been practicing more journaling recently to better manage my thoughts and feelings, and sad to report, it helps so much hahah

the negative snippets:

- life is so ridiculous 

- time is so relative

- things are so unfair

- i'm going crazy, i'm just a crazy old lady

- others is others

- i just dont want to spiral (ps, have been spiralling)

- its sickening to help others who don't want to be helped, when i also need help?

- i feel so deflated

- my husband is insane, i am irrational

- i am just an outlier

- it's normal to feel helpless and hopeless

- everything is so shallow, everything is so heavy

- at a loss, panicked, disengaged

Don't worry though. if this is like 40% - the other 60% is allowing space for positivity, clarity, dependence on God. for His love, promises, protection, blessings, forgiveness, etc.

Never have i felt more of His presence in my life. You see those negative things up there? that's a very natural dark place the spirit wants to wallow in but! 2 Timothy says - God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. This, and many other revelations throughout this period of my life has helped me so much to grow and really know it's not up to me and that's ok. for now. i feel like a shallow bowl holding as much as i can, everytime something small or big disrupts it or adds to it i feel like the whole thing tips over and i need a lot of time to reset myself again.

also a reminder that as alone as i feel sometimes, i have my husband and his support and how we go through tough times together and understand each other more in our low times.

in my desperate attempts for distraction i have also turned to art, design, fashion - a lot of relying on creative outlets for self expression, distraction yes but well, its better than social media. 

its weird being this way for me for such a period of time. its also very natural to want to dismiss these feelings and gaslight yourself into thinking these are not useful or important emotions. but of course, it is not the way to handle it. it is extremely painful to hold all the pessimism and optimism together but it can be done. i have so much to thank God for - but it doesnt mean i can't feel sad for the other things which are not great. i know people go through worse things - that doesnt mean your feelings and experiences are not valid. 

it's also a bit tiring when like lamenting to God, with God. like you can get very jaded in this perpetual cycle of hating everything, but like God i dont hate you, i know you have plans and promises and provision etc etc for me, yet its ok i'm upset things dont go my way but yes you have a better perfect plan, i just dont know it yet, but God is also not cold and dismissive, He knows how i feel in every aspect. so its very paradoxical and can get cynical, very human nature. its scary to think if pushed, i can really see how some people walk away. So it's not like i have to be hopeful and optimistic all the time, but also hey, as much as you want to wallow, you need to surrender that to God and allow yourself to be changed. are you just gonna keep a closed mind and closed heart forever? feels like a kid getting angry at a parent for a rule or a punishment they dont understand, when its being done with love. only of course God is way better than any human parent and human wisdom.

toughest time of my life so far, even writing this there's a part of me like omg you're so dramatic, which i try to smack away. i'm proud of how i better process things, and honestly, i hope la, hold a lot more space for others going through tough times or worse, better than i previously could. 

ok you see, i feel better writing this down.