Reality isn't kind

Okay, this is me closing off this phase of my life.

Funny, because this is not like a decision i can make and leave everything behind. I've tried a few times already and obviously i has only backfired BUT i suppose that i can purpose myself to get off the ground that i felt like i was bolted on.

My final exams are over, and my only other significant future milestone in my formal education would be to officially graduate in october or november. Which means now i am officially not a student, and supposed to be a full-on functioning adult.

My last and final complaints about the semester. I've said it a million times to anyone willing to listen so here is the last and no more, no more complaints.

Final exams were actually pretty easy, and is much preferred to another bunch of assignments. I guess in comparison to other more academic subjects and majors, my degree in mass comm was very much assignment focused because you can't learn what you're about to face in the working world through a lecture or a textbook. it's about experience and while i know three years we had barely scratches the surface of the future, that glimpse of it already scares me.

I've always been a more studying person that an assignment person. I'm the kind the likes to sit down and read and study more than to get up and do something. it's kind of like my personality i guess lol.

So my assignments really defeated me this sem. I would say I'm not proud of the person i was under all the pressure. but it is over and i hope i did good enough.

I'm thankful for a lot of things in Taylor's. The friends of course, and just really appreciative of the kind of campus life i had. it's not perfect, but i'm done complaining.

well there was uni, and some other stuff going on, which also should have some sort of final closure to it as well. the past half of 2016 just really made me grow up a lot. it was a very tough phase of life and all i wanted was for it to end. and it did. not without it's consequences which will definitely carry on, but let's contain in, accept it, forgive, and forget.

I don't know anything else about what will happen in the future, and it's both difficult and easy to surrender everything into God's hands. I'm glad for all the things i've learned and how much i think i've grown. I know God can purpose me into anything He wants for me, in His way, and His timing.

A lot of times my biggest struggle is when other people's lives and other things get to move and change so much around me, but I have to sit, wait, be patient, and sometimes feel trapped by my own self or my circumstances around me. at the same time being unsure of the actions i'm taking because it can feel like i'm forcing things to happen which won't end well, or being so caught up in not doing anything that you miss all the right opportunities.

So this is my conclusion now, is to focus again on the basics. the foundations of all my roles and responsibilities in life. as a family member, a friend, a leader, a discipler, a servant, a Christian, an adult, as a member of my community and nation. It's simple, but think again of how much better you can be in each of those areas of your life. well those roles aren't going to include 'a student, or a girlfriend' for any indefinite period of time.

In my few months of being an empty shell of a soul i realized a lot those roles were easily disposable to me and how you can lose yourself in what you're doing.

At the end you have to think of which ones carry the most value to you. first class honors cannot define me as well as my relationships can. granted its the motions of life that you try to excel in, but remember to count the costs as well.

I just feel a healthier version of myself right now. More me. :)

Break

Rant post srsly prepare yourself

Because i'm tired of talking about this issue with different people, and God bless them I love them for their advice, encouragement and love, but I'm physically and mentally tired of verbalising things out and hearing more things that i know but dont wanna hear anymore

I learned how to be truly honest with myself and my expectations, because well at least now I know, i'm still at about the same place i was at since i was 14. how unhealthy is that. I learned every new principle and rule and character development i thought i could, but to get this again. now. at this phase of life. like a real slap in the face.

I think it's worse when i thought me being less emotional, i can handle this but nope. no. this weight bears on me like a truck. if i knew that this kind of feeling is still a possibility within my system, i would have run away from the beginning. but sometimes you trick yourself and think that i will deal with this later. let me tell you. the pleasure is never worth the pain.

I'm more angry at circumstances than at the people involved. and rather, annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. how shallow and naive i was at the beginning, and how this sets me back again for goodness how long.

I really just have to convince myself of what I know. it's not a hopeless situation. everybody in this situation can be helped. i will take time. i for one should know that. but for now it's gonna suck and you're maybe gonna be able to see my face of hopelessness. now more than ever, I have to learn how to trust God and trust His plan for me, for everybody, and that even if nothing good ever happens again, that God can and will be enough for me.

I'm gonna have to keep my mind from wandering and keep re-aligning my expectations because the outcome, however good or bad, still will not solve all my problems in life. You pour out so much of yourself into an empty hope for no good reason. But I need to remember that there will be a better future and it will be how God wants it to be, because me, or anybody's expectations are so finite and selfish that you want something that is actually nothing.

But for now i'm just so tired and now more than ever, i really really want to not feel anything anymore.

PS This is the most perfect time in my life to be able to go to Korea. for a month. this is what i want, and i'm thankful to have it for the first time. I actually get to put aside my responsibilities and obligations and trucks or whatever and take time for myself to really figure things out.

yes, this is my quarter-life existential crisis.

okay rant over. i really need to study for literally the last finals of my uni life, and not be bothered by this trivial, but very real, issue.


agh

In the palm of His hand.

Remember that last post I wrote on stretching? How just when you think you've given your all and done your best, is where there will be even more and you will be spread even thinner. How it teaches you to turn off your incredibly habitual self-reliance and remember to humble yourself and realize how much you need God. How you understand that there are very apparent limits to your experiences and perspectives and in the end you just know how much bigger God is, how much He loves you and how much He has the best plan for you.

2016 has been a crazy year.

This final semester in university has been downright INSANITY where I constantly feel like I'm a human machine, where it's a never-ending cycle of understanding assignment briefs, group discussions, delegations, executions, submissions and all the teeth-gnashing in between. I've never been so mentally drained before in my life.

I was just reminiscing on how this isn't even the worst. and how do i rank? very simply by my menstrual cycle. hahaha. because since emotions are relative, there are definitely tendencies to dramatize certain points of my life. but in this case, it is physically proven that my stress is so major that my body literally loses function in terms of being in any sort of condition for reproduction. Also lots of mental breakdowns, crying and sleep debt.

I would also like to think that I have a generally higher tolerance of stress than other people. Prove me wrong please, can you sacrifice sleep like I can? can you manage multiple leadership responsibilities at one time? Can you embrace Murphy's Law?

My first period of intense stress and busyness was in Form 5, when sitting for TWO consecutive important SPM trials, organizing a HUGE event, and designing a billion materials. Here, my period did not come for the entire two months. I also yelled at many people.

My second was during STPM weeks where I had barely an ounce of sleep which was so bad, that I would fall asleep accidentally mid-meal or mid-conversation. and my period also did not come for that month.

I suppose those seasons of my life have also geared me towards higher capabilities. Guys, I'm not saying I'm better than everyone else because of all these. I know its just one good trait that I know God has graciously allowed me to have, and I just have to remind myself that we are all motivated and driven differently.

So now, in my final semester of uni, here I am. almost burnt to a crisp with the meteor shower rain of assignments. I feel like I've had tough times with previous semesters, but also always having time to rest in between. This sem though is the complete opposite where it demands so much of me everyday, that even doing normal human things like going out to eat with your family or sleeping for more than 3 hours a day feels like a very guilty, punishable sin.

I've cried on more than 4 occasions of breakdown, and had 2 or more literal panic attacks. Yes, I want your pity. The final successes and commendations have been great, but if i ever had to relive the two months again knowing how it would have been, I would just die.

Integrity wise I can't say I've done well either where I'm not sure if the circumstances warranted me an allowance to be as pissy, detached and indignant as I could be towards everyone around me. My face couldn't produce a genuine smile even if i tried. I felt like I didn't show strong character throughout this time. and I lost (and still losing) my patience with the incompetent people around me too often. and in the midst of this, I'm unable to cope with my responsibilities in church ministry and service.

BUT It's the last few assignments and final exam left before i finish university. my last stretch as a student before being a legit adult. i see the light at the end of this short tunnel, and will be stepping into another almost infinite black hole season of life next.

and then there's this other thing. which is wonderful and amazing on one hand, and painful and heartbreaking on the other. and again it's stretching me in another area which I thought I had no problems with.

so many unfair things just come into play and in the end, you just have to trust that God has the best plan.

if faith is acting based on what I know, then even if I'm completely lost in some things, what I do know is:

1. God has the best plan for me and my life
2. God knows me inside and out, my thoughts, hopes, desires and disappointments
3. God loves me unconditionally

and I will act on those things which I know in my heart of hearts, it is in fact the only things I know which are constant and eternal through the seasons of my life.

I'm so tired, says me, for the billionth time.

Before I fall

I'm so impressed with myself sometimes.

How am I supposed to handle confusing emotions when I'm this busy.

-_-

FIRE

Hi,

So stressed. That last post was the calm before the storm.

I have been literally on this campaign for 24 hours everyday for the past three weeks.

I'm almost not joking. Besides about 3-4 hours of sleep, really scarce eating and non-negotiables like church or family dinners (where i'm literally a physical body with no soul).

I'm so tired. Please help me please.