Call me back

 Some darker pessimistic feminist worldly thoughts 

Marriages and relationships really seem to benefit men and burden women - to me. Don’t want to generalise traditional roles and I understand both have strengths and weaknesses but well I’m also the product of my current society and can’t help but agree with the what comes into my algorithm

I want to write some selfish things down here

I don’t know

How do we deal with this unfair hand dealt to us 

Slippery slopes

 it all started with me watching one of the many kdramas, which is about this person being able to suddenly go back in time to change her crappy life bit by bit

my life is in no way crappy of course but somehow this trope really stuck with me until now, its been a couple of months and i find my mind wandering back to what i would change

yes overall i am quite a live in my head person, with a strong tendency to be nostalgic and wistful but also a quite lets move forward and not live in regret person, so i'm in this limbo of thoughts which i think is not very helpful and better i write it here and let it go

because lets face it I CANT CHANGE THE PAST but ohhhhh all the things i would do if i could - does it make me appreciate the present more, no - i didnt get a scrooge-like transformation

 let me tell you about me now. 

i find my most current version of myself very interesting. previously i've always liked myself but i feel more developed now, like unlocking further software updates of different parts of my brain which was in the grey previously.

we listen and we dont judge ok - some of these things will be quite shallow, i'll try to find something more meaningful once i've written it down haha

firstly, i am a lot more interested and aware of fashion and makeup and skincare and i feel like i now REALLY understand how some things work. like what really works for me and what big and small differences certain things make, and i have the effort to want to do it. for example, one of my favorite makeup products now is blush - one year ago me and younger would never touch blush. it seemed unnecessary and frivolous, my face is already red and seriously who has time and who cares about these things - well now thats me, i do and i think it makes SUCH a big difference

and thats gonna be a theme of most things, what was once so subtle really adds up and matters - if you want to decide that those things are important to you

like even my hair i would NEVER take the time to blowdry it let alone use products and i only curl it in one way for any big events. now, i reallly am willing to do those things and i like what i see haha

i would also only want to get like really thinned hair and too many layers like back then i thought i locked down what i thought looked good but nah man, blunt cuts are the way to go serious

same for skincare etc - previously i think i was quite good already e.g. making sure i dont over exfoliate and make sure i double cleanse etc but now i realllly get my skin and what irritates it and what helps it and i'm willing to stick to this routine

as for fashion, my goodness, like colors and fits and styles omg i am so happy and excited to talk about it - i wouldnt say i was unfashionable now, but i reallllly appreciate the subtleties of all things fashion better now, like how even a good graphic tshirt with a great fit and material makes all the difference, and i really like understanding my own style now - i'm even willing to wear socks and cute sneakers ok - you ask me last time i am slippers 200% of the time

and somehow now, i am able to get my butt moving to exercise as frequently as almost 5 times a week, is that crazy? i have found redeemed time and effort! and yeah it has a profound impact on my health - and i'm happy that progress is being made 

i'm not saying i'm perfect now or ever will be but WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE to reach these conclusions earlier in my life to enjoy it further. it doesnt feel like that much extra effort?

so really, what has been my motivation for this? if in the end all of this results in just looking better, i am happy to take it as that. thats why i said its shallow.

i personally of course think my character and the inner beauty bla bla things have grown as well, my maturity in handling many new and different challenges in adulthood like in relationships, career and other personal developments - but nice getting all these things while also being more confident because of how i look on the outside

maybe i really only could have achieved all this at this time of my life where i have more financial freedom to experiment and purchase more things that suit me, and more time to think and absorb knowledge from social media and really analyze how i look and feel more etc

maybe i am just getting more vain

SO if i could go back in time, even in high school, i could have said myself from so many bad decisions and logic breaks down very quickly because would i even be who i am now with all those 'crutches' early on 

other than looks, to be fair, i would have certainly improved my character and how i treated people around me better

or just not taking things seriously, except maybe studies. that makes life so one dimensional... i had time and resources to focus on my fitness too, now i feel like i'm running out of time to hit my body goals as age catches up

that makes me feel the most regretful though, that i never really was a genuine, sincere and thoughtful friend to many - idk if i am that now too, but at least i am trying - back then, maybe like most people who were young, life is viewed in a very selfish and narrow perspective. i didnt really listen to learn about people, or really want strong, quality friendships - its more about what can i get 

i would try to shoulder more of the burden of my parents and the household - now that i'm in my house, i really see all the things they did for us, its incomprehensible

usually this train of thought overwhelms me a bit, because of the regret and the second guessing of myself thinking why is striking such a nerve to me for so long. 

and other than those outward things which are fun to do, i feel incapacitated for the other things. i'm scared and i'm also very comfortable, lazy and still selfish.

anyway, happy to talk about makeup, skincare, fashion and fitness. 

for the rest, i'm looking for some empathy and some solutions.

We should stick together

Many months have flown by since the last post but I can give a summary and theme of what's been happening right after February.

• I left Great Eastern, my first ever job and many beloved colleagues and friends - almost 8 months on and I still miss them so much, and happy to still keep in touch with them and the drama that's been happening here and there. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed, I'm not so confident I would have risen to the challenge of my promotion and the expectations and responsibilities there, and not to mention absolutely dragging my feet through the parts of the job I hated. and I'm OFTEN reminded that certain things going on there would have continued to peeve me and kill my spirit with how little it can be changed - SO my takeaway is that I wish I could pack up alllll my favorite people and take them with me

• My life at Liberty so far - it has been AMAZING. Many people ask about how it's been and I'll never get tired of seeing surprised faces when I'm telling them how genuinely rewarding it's been, usually job moves are quite humbling if not average so I'm happy to break the norm. I'll tell you more later!

• The focus of my work here is very specialized and involved, compared to my previous role where I felt it was too much of a stretch and not being to excel at any one part - so here I truly get to grow and learn in new areas, such as continuing my charge into the insurance industry, now in General insurance, while also building technical and analytical understanding. For now since it's still new I'm kept on my toes in a good way, but still having flexibility and more control over my work life. I work with a much more diverse pool of stakeholders and the culture change is a breath of fresh air. 

• For now, most things like even the tech, software platforms and office location etc etc is very much green green grass. Things like now having my Teams and Outlook on my phone makes things very convenient, and yes I realize many companies have this too but I'm really just comparing to GE. 

• It's also just me revisiting my future in a HR related role because now I'm not attached to HR so I get to be external to that and tbh HR has it's own quirks and considerations but overall it's just a lot of being at the mercy of more stakeholders and having more expectations and responsibility set over you whereas my role now is really just meant for growing talent and helping the business. I try to remember my previous day-to-day of just fighting fires, helping to solve big and petty problems, being diplomatic to carefully, tactfully and professionally manage people both above and below, ugh, it's unnecessary drama. 

• I also got to travel to Bangkok for two weeks in June for work, my first international work trip, and it felt great. Maybe some people are used to it or it's a normal thing, but let me celebrate this as a privilege. I should get to go at least once a year from now on, fingers crossed on visiting any other country especially to HQ in Boston, one day, even if not next year or the year after.
   
• For now I'm still feeling slightly lonely and like an outsider as I don't have a direct peer in my team here, they're all reporting to me. I'm working on my other peer connections, and of course get to continue on this path of working with fresh grads and seeing them grow and improve - just this time I'm almost on a similar learning path as them. My flexible arrangements do allow me to connect with people right after or between working hours like seeing my other friends during lunch and all so I'll hope to keep taking advantage of that.
• Things are never perfect though, there are difficult individuals here and there, I fear some of the more technical things might elude me forever and maybe after a couple of years, I can foresee some repetitive aspects but I don't worry about it too much. I need to be a lot more disciplined for sure - i just KNOW i would never be able to adjust to any future role which requires me to be in the office everyday. Crazy how most people still need to do this?

•  OK done with that, sorry for the incorrect usage of bullet points. We move on!

• I also had an amazing friends trip to Korea and Phuket. I really, really, really, love my friends. Despite the usual differences of personalities and travel styles, I take it as a big blessing to be able to firstly, afford all this without a very strict budget, and get everyone's ability as people get busier and busier, and still generally enjoy growing friendships and memories together. I just am sad because I know it'll be harder and harder to get these again in the future. 

• What else? My husband had quite a serious shoulder surgery and it's not easy to worry about his physical capability when he's been more than extremely reliable in this area in the past and what was hoped to be long in the future but pish posh in the end it seems recovery is going very well and honestly, his weakened state is still stronger than my strongest state -_-

• To which I've been making progress over my physical health and weight, not that there are major differences yet but i can feel a momentum building towards spending more time on exercise and eating more mindfully. I'm looking forward to being less weak (not just more strong haha)

• Supporting Arsenal has been extra rewarding and extra painful, what else can I say

I actually wanted to post about something else, but it's nice to recap the last few months and look back at the many positive things.

There are some difficult patches too, that's for another time.

TQTQTQTQ

Happy songs

Happy Taylor swift songs stuck in my head like a happy playlist 

I feel it’s rare to be generally quite happy and content so I thought I would note it down 

I was so happy I even wrote how happy I was in one of my WhatsApp group chats to share 

I’m on a holiday now with my family in law and it’s not like everything is perfect of course there are some challenges and thoughts and worries about life as usual. My husband already gave me multiple heart attacks and my nag meter is through the roof 

I concluded again that I miss and like my life in malaysia a lot despite its many problems, probably mostly because it’s what I know and am used to, but not wrong to be grateful for it

So yes I’m happy on a holiday of course because it’s a short commitment free pocket of life, I only need to get a drink and walk through the city with some sunshine, also cos my husband is helpful planner and I’ve been able to turn off my brain 

It’s also nice to get more opportunities to be closer with my family in law, as tiring as it can be sometimes to learn new things about different people

But overall it’s nice to not worry about work, cny is usually quite fun but also stressful so now we’re away so it’s an interesting experience

Why else am I happy? I’m a month away from changing my job which is crazy i definitely need a whole post on that but it’s the next phase in life for me to look forward to, and of course financially as well there’s gonna be a difference.

Although I still have some financial worries constantly as we all do, I always need to remind myself how blessed I am and remember to be thankful for the small things which is part of my attitude now anyway hence this post 

I’m also just planning for a Korea holiday with friends, the places I wanna go and the people I wanna go with

Maybe underlying tone is also that as much as I like this worry free life, I know I won’t go crazy going after it to fill any emptiness or discontentment. It will be the normal thing to aim for this lifestyle whether it be through more money and early retirement etc, but I know it’s back to the normal life after this.

Literally the only thing that would make me happier is that if my dress today had pockets serious 

30 is the new 25

happy birthday to me! I want to write today, to kind of look back lovingly to my past, and to my future self and keep this state of self in my memory.

firstly, i acknowledge a certain sadness in growing older and in a way hitting this threshold of not being a kid/teen/fresh grad person anymore. i'm fully expected (in my own eyes anyway) to be as adult as i can be in every aspect. 

i think if you know me i am not a person who likes to take responsibility, i know it sounds so flaky and immature, but i notice more and more about this aspect of myself. i think i am a reliable enough person generally, but even i wouldnt consider myself 100% dependable, the way i see some people in my life are, like my husband or my sister for example. i want to be free of expectations, and walk at my own pace figuratively and literally.

i cant or i think shouldnt really play around anymore in terms of my free time and relationships - it really needs to be more wholesome yes and with my life firmly guided by my spiritual beliefs, being productive is more than just a human thing, it is a Godly thing. not busy, not occupied, but productive and meaningful and helpful to not just myself but others around me. 

so yes i cannot simply act, talk, dress, etc in any way i want. i have really been working towards this over the last few years to either align my outside to my inside or my inside to my outside and step by step it is less overwhelming.

secondly, i have been intentionally telling myself to be prepared for whatever is next - i have to go and do the next hardest thing in life eventually, which is to start a family. i really grieve whatever freedom and personal space/time i have to sacrifice, but i must keep remembering it will be worth it? as more of my peers and friends start a family vs those continuing their current path, you must acknowledge the differences in the future direction. i also tell myself that it will not cause any rift or prejudice of course, but life will change and i am coming to terms with it. i have seen and begun to understand more of the selflessness of my parents for me, it is crazy. crazy crazy crazy.

imagine going on that journey, while also constantly making sure you're improving as a wife, not just a mother. putting your marriage and household as something you're always working on for the benefit of all. ask either of us, this year has been tough and each resolution feels better than the last and we must keep failing forward. 

thirdly, maintaining friendships and other important relationships in your life to make sure you're not just accidentally being reclusive and just being around other like minded people and eventually your worldview gets so narrow - i always worry about this haha but of course for now, i can only see and appreciate the people i have around me - and nihilistically, i have always been pre-sad about my other close friendships that i know will eventually suffer. i WILL do what i can to preserve and maintain what i can, but i cannot get too emotional if it doesnt meet my expectations.

and lastly, just having to keep moving up in career. can't keep doing what i've been comfortable doing. and trust me, every year and especially this year has been a push, a tall order, to try and prove to my bosses, peers and myself that i'm deserving of a promotion. a year ago i would say no i'm not ready, and now its like yeah well i'm doing too much so give it to me. i say this always, sometimes i think i'm overpaid/overvalued and sometimes i think i'm underpaid/undervalued. either way. i just know, i really hate working. they ask me whats my passion, my passion is to not work. huhu so sometimes i just worry trying to reconcile how to be content but also motivated at work enough to enjoy my life outside of it - then i think well its literally been almost 7 years trudging up that mountain, you can continue trudging lol

OK struggles aside - this next part is for me to realize what's good about this part of my life and i am overall, happy.

being older really means caring less about the small things - it is so freeing to not worry about insignificant things that earlier me would have thought to be insignificant. being older allows you to move on more quickly. i think i have a good learning attitude and dwell positively in regrets haha 

this helps in overall self confidence, not worrying too much about how others see me or react or feel and its nice not having that negative self-esteem that seemed to eat me up so much as a younger girl. i want to take this space to say, i like how i look, i like how my personality turned out, i like how comfortable and straightforward i feel, i like how even if i'm not speaking my mind or being represented 100% fairly, i dont even really care about that. 

what helps is also being more financially independent, i'm not saying in rich in anyway as i look bleakly at my bank balances, but it is nice to grow and see how the value of something changes and you can worry less about small things. its clothes and food really, makes me happy. if i need it, and i can focus on putting my money towards more quality things, i feel so free compared to earlier me, where every ringgit counts. there are still many areas in life i guess that i still am careful, but it must be not important enough to me to make it a cost i'd like to spend on and i am also fine with that. if you can spend a lot on haircuts, makeup and manicures then good on you. and in fact, what is 'a lot' is also so subjective so you do you

so if i were to meet my younger self, i'd be quite impressed with the person i am today. maybe a bit more physically fit would be better haha but i would tell myself to just keep appreciating each good moment that passes by and dont waste too much time on useless things/people 

and to the future me, i hope you keep improving yourself, to grow the integrity of being more sincerely selfless and caring for others (including whatever future family i may have) and not let things of the world like money or work hold me back, to live a life that shows others how good God is 

and one day be fitter and skinnier haha 

and more diligent on chores

and i hope i am not always so tired 

amin