Hi, can't seem to study now. So just a post on something on my mind this week/weekend.
Wanted to write this in a personal journal, but ah, why not here. Maybe I can encourage someone. or not. who knows.
Idk if its obvious or not how upset I am with my stupid sprained ankle, until now. Its more than a whole month now. and how it's in my personality to be annoyed with myself over feeling upset over a 'small' issue.
Its actually just a temporary inconvenience, and in the whole span of my lifetime, it only robs me of a total of maybe 3 months max? There will come a day when I'll be able to scamper down the staircase, run 2km in 10 minutes, kick a ball in futsal and all those wonderful things I took for granted before, and life will be back to normal. I won't have to park at the OKU spot anymore, and I can walk up and down in the entirety of shopping malls, and even wear high heels again.
But for now I really really miss these things. It really sucks that I can't do any of it, and i can't help but get snappy at anyone who can't remember to empathize with me, and ask me if i would like to play captain ball or badminton as i do on saturdays.
Because at the root of it, the sprained ankle was an accident and a mistake. I seem to hold really high standards for myself and sometimes i'm real sore loser at life. I always go back to the moment of how just one second of reckless captain ball-interception could result in this. Essentially it's crazy because it's something that i do all the time, and now it just freaks me out about all the injury possibilities in the future.
What a wimpy pot i'll be in bubble wrap. :( and not to mention how people keep telling me how prone i'll be to future ankle injuries. what. the. crap. right. even more of these consequences for that one tiny mistake. and the costs. this plus the wisdom tooth surgery made sure my parents splashed about 600 bucks on doctors fees in just three months.
*general disclaimer: don't take things that I say here personally, i totally understand why people act the way they do, i know i'd be in their shoes too
Overall, i really hate not being at 100% capacity in my everyday life. About how many things I have to miss out on and how incapable i feel all the time. I dont like making people wait on me, I don't like the looks i get from limping, I don't like to be pitied on. (Empathized with yes, but easily becomes pity)
But in the end, there are really valuable lessons for me to learn throughout, which I believe are more supernatural than not. I would also like to state that I'm not a person that's overly paranoid and jumps to conclusions.
I think no, I KNOW that I have a lot of pride issues. As in having too much of it lol. I may be overly self-dependent and i have high expectations of others, in which they usually fail. I know that I'm good in most things that I do, with less effort needed to be put in as compared with others. I'm really self assured in my abilities and capabilities. I'm even assured of my ability to gauge my excellence with no bias-ness towards myself. How crazy is that.
and I've know all this since i was like 15. of course i also have times of low-self esteem, but i feel like that's temporary. my general thoughts of myself are generally too good. hahaha. at the same time, I've also always known that it's been a big flaw in my life, and many times places a barrier on my relationships with people, and especially with God.
I try very hard to be humble, both humanly and biblically. it's been a rough and tough struggle throughout the years, but it is just so easy to fall back on being self dependent. especially when things go well for you, you can't help to pat yourself on your own back and lament on how nub everyone else is.
few months before my tooth and ankle issues, i also felt that i wasnt doing well spiritually. i seemed to be hitting a dead end with my quiet time and prayer life every week and feeling more and more discouraged to a point of just being numb. and going with the flow. as i assume most people do.
i also had this impending sense of God's impatience with me. now, I know God is gracious, but I also know he does not tolerate sin, especially when I'm knowingly doing it. Even if I try my hardest, and fail, and repent, and repeat the cycle.
and then all this nonsense happened. and what was scary to me the first few days was how God might have just allowed all this to happen. how He might have abandoned me. and it's completely rational okay, how many bible verses do we see about God turning away. it was the first time in my life that I felt His covering wasnt extended to me anymore. As i have mentioned before above, things generally go well for me, I havent had any major catastrophes in my life. So this really did scare me.
I also related this to my serving on the worship team in 365. I had to miss THREE consecutive worship duties because of my tooth and foot and I had a feeling it had more to do than coincidence. Call me crazy, but I felt like if God could have smacked me off stage there and then, He would have. My spiritual life was in no way up to standard and I had no sincerity in my worship. How would I be able to help lead a congregation to worship? I'm also relating this to other parts of my life, in which my testimony would have been questionable, even if not to others, God can see everything.
So being forced to be home so often, and being in such a sorry state emotionally and mentally, I did manage to get myself right with God. It's no finish line I know, it's a progress. and it's a progress I'm happy to say is gaining momentum till now. it's not all rainbows and sunshine, but it's a struggle i can always surrender to God.
at first, I was completely reassured of His love for me. and even at the first week I was back in 365 and back on worship duty, even the worship leader was emphasizing that God loves us despite our mistakes. the principle of God's love is so strong and so unconditional that we cant fully comprehend, but it's a love thats like no other. I was reminded of His graciousness and faithfulness, and how I don't have to strive for perfection, He already loves me. The same way I aim to be serve Him and be excellent because He is who He is, and not because I can expect Him to do bless me in some way.
and over time, my quiet time and prayer life has improved. :)
and the last few weeks, I was just starkly reminded about my pride issues again, and how this has helped me to make even more progress. I begin to think I take myself and sports and fitness too seriously. The past two years I've obsessed with fitness and fatness and looks and how all of that contributes to my pride. How I can easily spend so much time in the gym and yet fail to spend even 15 minutes with Him at home. I remember the thoughts going through my mind prior to my injury that day, and it's too ugly for me to post them here. If I was God I'd slap me too. so maybe this is the time I learn how to rely less on sports and fitness to make myself feel better than others.
lastly, I learned another big fat lesson yesterday in church during Ps John Mulinde's sermon. about how God gives and God takes away. and how my life in fact, isnt actually mine. or my foot or my comfort or my achievements. and how painfully obvious that I don't need to be or feel like 100% of the best version of myself, because then where would there be space for God in my life?
it really hit me like a ton of bricks. being so self reliant that you really actually don't rely on God for anything. my joy and confidence can and should come from my solid relationship with Him. and how even in any trials, I should give glory to Him.
i knew all of these things for many years, but head knowledge is different than faith. theory isn't application. I'm really glad I had the chance to re-learn all these this past few months before I digressed any further from the person God wants me to be.
Like I said, there are many things still left to be conquered, but I'm glad that there is progress.
Such a long post. K bai.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
Love is
I have such vivid dreams.
I dreamt of my grandparents again.
I think it's because my granma's birthday just passed, and i was spring cleaning in my room, and found lots of old stuff.
Old photos, old gifts, old letters. I kept letters that my grandparents sent to each other before they got married. Romantic max.
Its funny how sometimes when i dream of my grandparents, there's always an underlying tone of sadness, like I will know it's a dream, and that my current glimpse of them are so precious because they aren't actually around anymore.
First, I dreamt that i could revive them from the dead. and hang out with them just for a bit.
Another one was of my granma, just both of us, doing some shopping. and she was picking some batik or cloth for me, my sis and my cousin krystle. and just her voice, and how she would choose each color for us for a reason. and in the dream she kept saying that it's okay, money doesn't matter, i have nothing to lose anyway.
so heartbreaking.
i really miss them.
I dreamt of my grandparents again.
I think it's because my granma's birthday just passed, and i was spring cleaning in my room, and found lots of old stuff.
Old photos, old gifts, old letters. I kept letters that my grandparents sent to each other before they got married. Romantic max.
Its funny how sometimes when i dream of my grandparents, there's always an underlying tone of sadness, like I will know it's a dream, and that my current glimpse of them are so precious because they aren't actually around anymore.
First, I dreamt that i could revive them from the dead. and hang out with them just for a bit.
Another one was of my granma, just both of us, doing some shopping. and she was picking some batik or cloth for me, my sis and my cousin krystle. and just her voice, and how she would choose each color for us for a reason. and in the dream she kept saying that it's okay, money doesn't matter, i have nothing to lose anyway.
so heartbreaking.
i really miss them.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Introspective to a fault
massive week of assignment slaying.
and back to my normal diet after being on the gm diet last week.
overall, i lost like 2kgs, which is okay i guess. other people on the internet claim to lose like up to 6 kgs or what. but i'm not fat, i doubt i can/should lose too much weight anyway.
i can also walk better now yay. i still get OKU parking in uni, and walking long distances is really tiring. and like walking down staircases. seriously. and I HATE when i'm like obviously limping and injured and i'm already making my way down slowly on the side of the staircase and there's nobody blocking the other side, WHY do people still have to walk down directly behind me and pressure me.
anyway.
finished a presentation on tuesday, after staying up late to finish it up consecutive nights. and another submission yesterday morning. and one more tmr morning. needless to say, i'm exhausted. physically and mentally.
i took a whole day off yesterday to just chill. wanted to do some assignment editing but i somehow could not touch any work whatsoever. or lazy to reply my groupmates. i feel so bad now. lol
so i got up early, had milk and cookies. watched a movie. did a workout (EVEN WITH MY ANKLE) .took a super long shower with like scrubs and masks (lush products ftw) and groomed my eyebrows. i made a nice lunch for myself. and watched another movie. had a nap to force myself to catch up on the sleep i've been missing. and lazed around and was on my phone till 12 and went to bed. all this also while feeling quite down and sorry for myself. idk why.
it might be pms. idk.
i was also thinking, which is actually what i came here to post about lol, about how often i blame pms for causing me unnecessary feelings.
I'm so averse to emotions that i need to be able to blame it on a biological process rather than actually addressing my feelings. even now i'm thinking this is crazy, i'm contemplating this too much. by tomorrow i'll probably feel ten times better and look at this and think how nuts i was.
but its not like i don't have things i'm not happy about. obviously i'm still human and there are things which upset me, so why can't i do something about it, the way i see other people do it? i literally can't even talk to my friends about what's going on in my head and how i feel. i have those conversations in my head, and in the end i never do and it never gets dealt with. i always assume for myself that if i really need to or if i gets really bad, then i'll actually do it. otherwise, it shouldnt bother me anyway. let's move past it, and dont be such a baby.
being a logical person and trying to be objective about things all the time can be quite a flaw. i really want to know what it's like to be less concerned about being politically correct or rational or overthink everything. to see the grey between the black and white. to not keep everything or everyone away at an arm's length as a precaution from rejection, failure, or loss of trust. to keep my face and be so atas and not bothered by small things.
WELL
not coincidentally, which is to say, separately and not in relation with the above (i think),
this week and the past week has been really spiritually refreshing for me. I've had a new perspective of and from God, which is actually quite simple, but sometimes in the mess of life, it's lost. i've found it again, and found the strength from God to continue on in what seemed to be like a downhill battle. I know there will be times when my resolve falters and i feel beaten down again, then even more so you depend on God.
fine i guess in a way it relates to my feelings above.
i want to make progress.
ps. eating also helps me feel better.
and back to my normal diet after being on the gm diet last week.
overall, i lost like 2kgs, which is okay i guess. other people on the internet claim to lose like up to 6 kgs or what. but i'm not fat, i doubt i can/should lose too much weight anyway.
i can also walk better now yay. i still get OKU parking in uni, and walking long distances is really tiring. and like walking down staircases. seriously. and I HATE when i'm like obviously limping and injured and i'm already making my way down slowly on the side of the staircase and there's nobody blocking the other side, WHY do people still have to walk down directly behind me and pressure me.
anyway.
finished a presentation on tuesday, after staying up late to finish it up consecutive nights. and another submission yesterday morning. and one more tmr morning. needless to say, i'm exhausted. physically and mentally.
i took a whole day off yesterday to just chill. wanted to do some assignment editing but i somehow could not touch any work whatsoever. or lazy to reply my groupmates. i feel so bad now. lol
so i got up early, had milk and cookies. watched a movie. did a workout (EVEN WITH MY ANKLE) .took a super long shower with like scrubs and masks (lush products ftw) and groomed my eyebrows. i made a nice lunch for myself. and watched another movie. had a nap to force myself to catch up on the sleep i've been missing. and lazed around and was on my phone till 12 and went to bed. all this also while feeling quite down and sorry for myself. idk why.
it might be pms. idk.
i was also thinking, which is actually what i came here to post about lol, about how often i blame pms for causing me unnecessary feelings.
I'm so averse to emotions that i need to be able to blame it on a biological process rather than actually addressing my feelings. even now i'm thinking this is crazy, i'm contemplating this too much. by tomorrow i'll probably feel ten times better and look at this and think how nuts i was.
but its not like i don't have things i'm not happy about. obviously i'm still human and there are things which upset me, so why can't i do something about it, the way i see other people do it? i literally can't even talk to my friends about what's going on in my head and how i feel. i have those conversations in my head, and in the end i never do and it never gets dealt with. i always assume for myself that if i really need to or if i gets really bad, then i'll actually do it. otherwise, it shouldnt bother me anyway. let's move past it, and dont be such a baby.
being a logical person and trying to be objective about things all the time can be quite a flaw. i really want to know what it's like to be less concerned about being politically correct or rational or overthink everything. to see the grey between the black and white. to not keep everything or everyone away at an arm's length as a precaution from rejection, failure, or loss of trust. to keep my face and be so atas and not bothered by small things.
WELL
not coincidentally, which is to say, separately and not in relation with the above (i think),
this week and the past week has been really spiritually refreshing for me. I've had a new perspective of and from God, which is actually quite simple, but sometimes in the mess of life, it's lost. i've found it again, and found the strength from God to continue on in what seemed to be like a downhill battle. I know there will be times when my resolve falters and i feel beaten down again, then even more so you depend on God.
fine i guess in a way it relates to my feelings above.
i want to make progress.
ps. eating also helps me feel better.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
New perpectives
OMG hi gaiz. hi. omg.
Firstly, let's start with my wisdom tooth. Started to hurt on a Thursday night, when I was out with Matt and Willie to watch The Martian. I thought it was just a random gum inflammation or ulcer or whatever. But it started getting worse and worse and by Sunday I was legit going crazy because of the pain. I could barely eat anything seriously.
I don't have a regular dentist so I just parked my car in Taipan and walked up to the first one I saw. Apparently there are tons of dentists there lol. and yeap, dentist confirmed it was a wisdom tooth. She said I should give three days for antibiotics to reduce the swelling then only take it out.
But Friday I had a mid-term, and Saturday I had wedding. I was concerned about the pain, and food I wanted to eat lol. So I thought I could wait till next Monday. But during the week again I was dying even though I was on strong painkillers. So I was like whatever I'll just get it removed on Friday after my exam.
It didn't really hurt, because of the anesthetic. But boy did it bleed and bleed. and so ngam that Friday evening also my period cramps were onz like mad. One of my worst days ever. Even with painkillers.
Overall, during this time I was eating mostly porridge, soft noodles, juices, smoothies and whatever that wasnt hard to chew. By then i was planning to eat all the wonderful things of the world the moment my wound closed (i had stitches in my gums). Also, with the pain, busyness and other health restrictions, i wasnt really able to exercise or gym or whatever.
And then one really hectic week of uni passed by. and by Saturday morning i was so ready to play some captain ball and return to my normal life. and like 5 minutes into captain ball, I sprained my ankle. It wasnt a familiar pain, i've never got such a serious injury before. and it swelled up. and i couldnt walk. went to the doctor to get it checked. he gave some meds.
That Saturday and Sunday I couldn't walk at all. It was really depressing, as it the inconvenience of the whole situation really hit me. i couldn't go to church, couldn't drive or whatever. and I had to miss the Bethel concert.
The whole time I was trying keep positive, like maybe it isnt a bad sprain. but the swelling was bad, and the pain was bad and yeah. the more i had to come to terms with the consequences, the more upset i felt. I really thank God for good friends to encourage me. and my parents, who can't say nice things to me, but can really do nice things for me. its how they show their love.
Other than missing a concert, i was also worried about my big uni presentation, which was on Tuesday, that i couldnt miss. So every morning i woke up hoping to be able to walk. and i couldnt. i was literally dreaming that i could walk every time i fell asleep. that's how much you can take walking for granted.
well, praise the Lord. Tuesday morning i could walk. now, i had the option to get a wheelchair or crutches or whatever. but those seem more inconvenient for me and my friends who had to help me. but i could walk. so thats fine. besides my feet going into a hideous shade of purple, it was pretty fine.
another thing which i was concerned with was my dental stitches. which should have been out by Saturday. the longer they were there the higher the risk of another infection. so i thought might as well get it done with and then rest on thursday and friday.
well the week passed by. spending so much time on the couch due to my tooth and my foot really can drive you mad. the time passes by SO slowly, and yet SO quickly at the same time. and so bummed that i probably can't really run or exercise much in the next two months. no captain ball, no badminton :(
overall, i guess there were lessons for me to learn in all of it. for someone as proud as me, relying heavily on others and being handicapped really tested me mentally. and it will continue to be like that until my foot fully recovers. as of now, about 10 days after the incident, i can walk, but with a limp, and really slowly. really don't like people looking at me cos of how i walk. and if i walk too much, it swells up again. but my life has to go on like normal though, i have uni and other stuff. at least i can also drive now. i really missed driving.
kay lah not so terrible lah not like jason, ben, ye sheng or sharlene that like fractured their leg lah. don't want too much pity also. hahaha.
also, anything that requires lots of walking like SHOPPING also cannot. cry die me.
but at least all this helps me to sit down and just do the tons and tons of work i have.
at this moment too, me and su-ann are on the gm diet. you can look it up yourself. i lazy to justify it. but the diet is so strict and again I realize how much you can take eating for granted too lol.
crazy cravings for all types of food. halp me.
Firstly, let's start with my wisdom tooth. Started to hurt on a Thursday night, when I was out with Matt and Willie to watch The Martian. I thought it was just a random gum inflammation or ulcer or whatever. But it started getting worse and worse and by Sunday I was legit going crazy because of the pain. I could barely eat anything seriously.
I don't have a regular dentist so I just parked my car in Taipan and walked up to the first one I saw. Apparently there are tons of dentists there lol. and yeap, dentist confirmed it was a wisdom tooth. She said I should give three days for antibiotics to reduce the swelling then only take it out.
But Friday I had a mid-term, and Saturday I had wedding. I was concerned about the pain, and food I wanted to eat lol. So I thought I could wait till next Monday. But during the week again I was dying even though I was on strong painkillers. So I was like whatever I'll just get it removed on Friday after my exam.
It didn't really hurt, because of the anesthetic. But boy did it bleed and bleed. and so ngam that Friday evening also my period cramps were onz like mad. One of my worst days ever. Even with painkillers.
Overall, during this time I was eating mostly porridge, soft noodles, juices, smoothies and whatever that wasnt hard to chew. By then i was planning to eat all the wonderful things of the world the moment my wound closed (i had stitches in my gums). Also, with the pain, busyness and other health restrictions, i wasnt really able to exercise or gym or whatever.
And then one really hectic week of uni passed by. and by Saturday morning i was so ready to play some captain ball and return to my normal life. and like 5 minutes into captain ball, I sprained my ankle. It wasnt a familiar pain, i've never got such a serious injury before. and it swelled up. and i couldnt walk. went to the doctor to get it checked. he gave some meds.
That Saturday and Sunday I couldn't walk at all. It was really depressing, as it the inconvenience of the whole situation really hit me. i couldn't go to church, couldn't drive or whatever. and I had to miss the Bethel concert.
The whole time I was trying keep positive, like maybe it isnt a bad sprain. but the swelling was bad, and the pain was bad and yeah. the more i had to come to terms with the consequences, the more upset i felt. I really thank God for good friends to encourage me. and my parents, who can't say nice things to me, but can really do nice things for me. its how they show their love.
Other than missing a concert, i was also worried about my big uni presentation, which was on Tuesday, that i couldnt miss. So every morning i woke up hoping to be able to walk. and i couldnt. i was literally dreaming that i could walk every time i fell asleep. that's how much you can take walking for granted.
well, praise the Lord. Tuesday morning i could walk. now, i had the option to get a wheelchair or crutches or whatever. but those seem more inconvenient for me and my friends who had to help me. but i could walk. so thats fine. besides my feet going into a hideous shade of purple, it was pretty fine.
another thing which i was concerned with was my dental stitches. which should have been out by Saturday. the longer they were there the higher the risk of another infection. so i thought might as well get it done with and then rest on thursday and friday.
well the week passed by. spending so much time on the couch due to my tooth and my foot really can drive you mad. the time passes by SO slowly, and yet SO quickly at the same time. and so bummed that i probably can't really run or exercise much in the next two months. no captain ball, no badminton :(
overall, i guess there were lessons for me to learn in all of it. for someone as proud as me, relying heavily on others and being handicapped really tested me mentally. and it will continue to be like that until my foot fully recovers. as of now, about 10 days after the incident, i can walk, but with a limp, and really slowly. really don't like people looking at me cos of how i walk. and if i walk too much, it swells up again. but my life has to go on like normal though, i have uni and other stuff. at least i can also drive now. i really missed driving.
kay lah not so terrible lah not like jason, ben, ye sheng or sharlene that like fractured their leg lah. don't want too much pity also. hahaha.
also, anything that requires lots of walking like SHOPPING also cannot. cry die me.
but at least all this helps me to sit down and just do the tons and tons of work i have.
at this moment too, me and su-ann are on the gm diet. you can look it up yourself. i lazy to justify it. but the diet is so strict and again I realize how much you can take eating for granted too lol.
crazy cravings for all types of food. halp me.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Where to go, what to do
Just trying to bounce my thoughts off myself for a sec. Yeah what a me thing to do rather than to discuss this with actual people.
Trying to decide where to intern. I both know and don't know why this is such a big decision for me. It will make a difference on my resume, it will change my perceptions on the field of work, and it will decide the people I get to meet. But at the same time, anywhere I go will be a good experience, both personally and professionally.
I really regret not doing a second internship earlier this year. Now that my upcoming internship is my last before I actually get a real job. Why is everything happening so fast suddenly har
Biggest crossroad at the moment is deciding between a big or small company. I know the pros and cons of both. and I don't know which one I prefer.
I know at this time I'm also a bit jaded with the current heaviness of the semester so I can't even begin to fathom myself starting to do actual work again which may be difficult and tedious. I don't know if I want to continue harping on the design train and do something I'm already good at, or take on new things like writing articles and managing social media (which seems boring and conventional) what do PR/Marketing interns even do anyway? Probably organize events again, or plan workshops etc.
Perhaps it's the blurred lines that comes with this field, social sciences that comprises of communications/media/design/pr/marketing/sales and I'm lucky enough to be able to do all those things. If I learned actual coding and web design I'll be unstoppable. the tech field has so much potential.
Gotta find some passion and ambition in my frame of mind, otherwise it's like just choosing blindly and hope for the best. or worst yet, choosing one for the sake of good pay.
maybe it's because i'm on the bed/couch for like 20 hours a day due to my injury.
i will probably blog about THAT when i'm less negative about it too.
Trying to decide where to intern. I both know and don't know why this is such a big decision for me. It will make a difference on my resume, it will change my perceptions on the field of work, and it will decide the people I get to meet. But at the same time, anywhere I go will be a good experience, both personally and professionally.
I really regret not doing a second internship earlier this year. Now that my upcoming internship is my last before I actually get a real job. Why is everything happening so fast suddenly har
Biggest crossroad at the moment is deciding between a big or small company. I know the pros and cons of both. and I don't know which one I prefer.
I know at this time I'm also a bit jaded with the current heaviness of the semester so I can't even begin to fathom myself starting to do actual work again which may be difficult and tedious. I don't know if I want to continue harping on the design train and do something I'm already good at, or take on new things like writing articles and managing social media (which seems boring and conventional) what do PR/Marketing interns even do anyway? Probably organize events again, or plan workshops etc.
Perhaps it's the blurred lines that comes with this field, social sciences that comprises of communications/media/design/pr/marketing/sales and I'm lucky enough to be able to do all those things. If I learned actual coding and web design I'll be unstoppable. the tech field has so much potential.
Gotta find some passion and ambition in my frame of mind, otherwise it's like just choosing blindly and hope for the best. or worst yet, choosing one for the sake of good pay.
maybe it's because i'm on the bed/couch for like 20 hours a day due to my injury.
i will probably blog about THAT when i'm less negative about it too.
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