life begins again.

this is my stpm severance post. :D and 3 am on my 19th birthday.

i know it's a bit late, but this is the only time i've got to really sit down properly since it ended. yeah, life has been very eventful since stpm.

what can i say without sounding melodramatic and absolutely cynical.

i did previously post stuff abt form six here and there right? and has there been any good ones? hahaha.

so far in my 19 years of life, this year and a half has been the longest and most torturous. to me lah okay don't quote the homeless people or underprivileged kids and all.

i don't know how to explain why, but it must be a lot of small things, and how extremely difficult it was.

let's talk about the exam aspect of it all.

it. is. hard.
i don't know how to directly compare with all other pre-u courses in malaysia, let alone the world, but in my realistic opinion, it's probably the hardest in malaysia, i can bet my nail polish collection on it. subject to subject, you can't beat it.

PA is by no means easy, but the most feasible of the others. and compulsory. graphs, essays, politics. HOW FUN. -_-

Bio. it's hard because the syllabus is really wide, and deep. it touches university syllabus, and the marking is really strict.

but the funny thing is, i still really enjoy studying it more than the others. makes me really think of pursuing the bio field. though, i really hate plants. and dna.

and if God is merciful, i hope i did well enough. because the papers felt kinda okay. but form six really changed my perception of 'okay' lah. so okay prolly means, hurray i passed. my teacher, Pn Daisy is really, an awesome teacher. she's a lil quirky, and sometimes she does cute things for us like buy us egg mcmuffins, brownies, and a pencil, eraser and sharpener a week before exam. haha.

it's a lot of reading, and understanding. and i've gone through a levels textbooks okay. no competition.

Chemistry? i don't know. i don't even KNOW. that A+ in spm really amuses me. i just have to admit there will be some things i'll never understand no matter how much i read it. and i don't know why i just can't seem to calculate anything anymore. not to say it's very complicated, it's just plain difficult. you know, or you don't.

Pn Looi really is a great teacher, and she prepared us well, her notes and lessons are good. but eh. idk. she's also very generous though :D not to mention she postponed her retirement for us. and her curry chicken, cheesecake and so much other food. hehe.

i'm also very bad with experiments. though, i have not broken anything.

what really sunk my ship was that both paper 1 and 2 were so difficult. it's like they knew how to ask all the things i couldn't understand and leave out all the things i could. not to mention, the printing error on the periodic table they gave. real smooth, mpm.

Maths. if i ever said i liked maths, i take it back. i hate it. i thought conquering and liking add maths was enough preparation and foundation for this. it's not. not even close. i don't think i can say with confidence that i'll pass. i probably won't. i feel like a freaking genius if i can solve a question and then you see it's only worth 6 marks and you just want to die. and what has functions and inequalities evolved into?

sigh. it's also quite scary when the smarty pants in class still don't know how to answer some questions here and there.

sorry, i think i can blame half of my failure upon my maths teacher. i will not elaborate.

it's the only subject i have extra tuition for. i don't know if it helped.
that's it. just four, and i really think my brain has reached it's limits.

i'll post about the other aspects later. maybe not even at all, the hell that is stpm drifts further and further away into the past. and i'll gladly let it go. :)

about a few inches.

a bout of nostalgia really hit me today. a specific situation. same people. same feelings? but of course, never under the same circumstances. i don't really like the feeling, it's like grasping at thin air only to realize you dropped it a long time ago.

you can wish and wish and your mind will be boggled into trying to wiggle your way back into even a having a glimmer of hope that such a thing could even be possible again, but it's going to take more than a miracle.

i think i'm ready, or about to be ready on my part. but the other person NEVER so. 

i'm not the type that would flip a table, rather, i'd slump unhappily like a pile of cabbage on top of it and try to dig a hole with my fingernails. 

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

is this a kind of evil?

my grandmother's condition is getting worse. and things get complicated.

borderline delusional when it comes to football.

poldi!

well, i think i'm having a sort of internet farewell for myself today, because today officially marks 40 days till stpm. i've been studying a lot, yet having a lot of time to slack also, that's why study breaks are so tricky aren't they.

i've grown to hate stpm a lot more recently. hahaha. because it's so hard lah, and why on earth are we learning uni level syllabus and bla bla bla. but whatever.

my internet fast wouldn't really be a fast, because important people like me still have to check mail also. haha. but whatever time i have online would be during a football match, so it's like killing two birds with one stone? :)

well, football has been blissful lately. for me, and for arsenal. i'm only human, and yeah, of course it's easy to support my team when they're doing well, and just let me enjoy it. yeah, we did lose against chelsea, but it's not the end of the world either so stop tail-wagging already.

firstly, my boyfriend, aaron ramsey. he's playing a lot better recently, with some exceptions. and with diaby out, he'll have a lot more starts. he is undeniably handsome isn't he. so yes, he's the one i'll pick as my boyfriend. and i kinda am watching myself lest i get too overboard with my delusions, being too attached to anything other than God isn't healthy at all, so don't worry about me. though when i got old, and maybe a bit senile, i won't be surprised if i think i'd really led an awesome life where he calls me a few times a week, and we skype, and he always calls me after a match, and after stpm, i packed my bags for london where aaron supports me with his fattty paycheck, and proposes to me in the emirates, and brings me back to wales and malaysia during off-season and then i just happily watch all his games in the stands. and i'm also best friends with wilshere.

secondly, podolski. i remember being totally impressed with him in the germany world cup, and he is probably the first footballer i really liked, and now that he's here at arsenal, i couldn't be happier. i'd take podolski over rvp anytime. i love the way he plays, and other than that, his presence, his cheeky smile, and he seems like he's been in the team forever. i'm attached to this one alright.

i've dropped walcott out, since all the transfer rumours. he's still always my beloved no.14, but i'm just holding back a bit, prolly till january, to see if he leaves or not. it's just a precautionary measure as to make sure i don't feel too bad.

i'm taking rvp leaving quite well. i still scrunch up and face and whine when i happen to see him in a united jersey, or in replays or old arsenal pictures, but it doesn't kill me. i think the worst was fabregas leaving, so everyone else leaving pales in comparison.

i cannnnnoooottt imagine how i'd feel if podolski, vermaelen, boyfriend, koscielny, wilshere, arteta or cazorla leave. in the future or whatnot.

i'm still on the fence with giroud. he's SO handsome. and as a striker, he really does get into good positions and he does assist, but we'll see how lah. his place in the team is not guaranteed, and missing too many chances, i'm just afraid when the boss and the fans get impatient, and he'll be like a chamakh. and heck, i still adore that one like crazy. chamakh, and arshavin.

okay okay. i really am getting scared that i scare people off my twitter with my crazy football tweets, but it's just twitter lah right.

goodgoodbye.

the way the stars fall from the skies.

hellllo blog. how are you.

i thought i'd blog out some stuff first, before I forget.

since i've had a holiday since thursday, i've been sleeping really well. i mean, i study a lot, and till about 2 every night, and wake up fresh and happy at about 10 every morning, and make sure i don't nap in the afternoons. so, with all this sleeping, comes a lot, of dreaming. uninterrupted by alarm, parents, birds, etc.

i dream the things i usually dream off, like moving into a bigger house with my family. with rooms that have their own bathrooms and walk-in-closets. :p

and also getting a galaxy s3 from my dad. which i refused to accept. i am sooo noble. :p

but last night freaked me out the most. because i dreamt of my granpa.

and i woke up and cried and cried and cried till i couldn't breathe and swelled up, and after i got up to drink some water, i replenished tear fluid and managed to cry some more. then lay in bed from 5am to 6am feeling very sorry for myself. :(

i've had sad, cry-ey dreams before, but then i'd wake up and realize everything is okay and stop crying.

but i dreamt about my yehyeh and all the great things he was, and my memories with him and the cousins when we were younger. and how tired and upsetting the wake services and funeral were. and i cannot imagine the extent of what my granma felt/feels when losing the one you've loved for so long. and how my dad and uncles feel, losing their father. and when i woke up, i just felt so empty, and so lost.

like him cooking in the kitchen, lifting weights with the radio playing elvis songs, eating his weird breakfast meals with the newspaper.

i'm not even a meltdown sort of person, your feelings shouldn't dictate how you feel. you make decisions to get on with life right. and of course i've moved on, my yehyeh's in a better place now. but i am allowed to miss him right? :(

how i really really wished he was still in our lives. that he could get to know eric and cow, and be proud of shaun in sarawak, and telling marcus and i to study hard now.

i feel fine now, i mean, i just watched arsenal beat west ham 3-1 and i'm in a good mood.

but i really don't know what brought about my sudden emotional haywire last night. it's not near his birthday, or anniversary of his death, or anything.

again, I'm really thankful he got to know Jesus and he's in heaven. imagine how we'd all feel if he didn't know Jesus.