i don't know what to say no more.

you know i only say it when i really need to, and otherwise i can deal with it, but sometimes it is overwhelming isn't it. i'm only human.

i don't like being so cryptic and mysterious here, but i can't simply say what i want to say without consequences.

basically life is like that anyway.

i don't know what's up this time. i am a 100% sure i'm able to detect pms symptoms, so i know this isn't one of it. and it's probably the same issue that repeats itself every once in awhile. and each time i thought i dealt with it already, but the next time it occurs, it seems to hit me harder than before.

maybe i have some fundamentally wrong coping system. well, it can't be as wrong as or more wrong as like, drugs, alcohol or abuse or whatever, but what i'm doing isn't very healthy emotionally either. or is it? nobody has a sure method in dealing with their problems.

yes, my rant is seeming more and more pointless.

i'm going to blame this bout of emotion on a few things.

1. studying is a bad-mood inducer. duh. it makes us all grumpy and frumpy. or just stpm. being frustrated that until now, when my stpm is in less than three months time, i am still FAILING my subjects.

2. probably my sister's absence. i don't really miss her that much, it's just nice to have someone to talk to other than my parents. it's nice to not be frustrated at her, because when she makes me mad, she makes me madder than anyone can, really. but when i'm annoyed with my parents, i suddenly have no one to distract me from it!

3. friends. it seems like i'm always worrying about them. yes, wah i sound so noble and selfless here. but it's not like that. i don't know why this has never happened before in previous phases of my life, but now it's like i always have to worry about the bad decisions my friends make, or am i being over-analytical, or in fact not being a good friend at all by not telling them? or should they learn from their mistakes themselves and i'll just be there at the end? or know that they'll be too stubborn to see that they're wrong, and i have to see them live with their decisions, i'd rather just ignore them entirely as a friend. or what if they're not wrong, I'M WRONG! why am i so judgmental in the first place!

4. poor eating habits. :)

i know God will take care of me no matter what, i'm just insecure for awhile now. i'll be fine!

guns a-blazing.

  

okay you can stop looking at chamakh and his intense, brown, Moroccan eyes now.

actually i thought i wanted to post a lot of things here wan, life in july really was exciting, because i couldn't seem to study at all, so i thought i might as well enjoy it. :)

there were some fun stuff here and there, like the snail experiment and the cockroach one that seriously hit me hard emotionally. hehe.

the snails were okay, i got all the baby snails from the garden, and gave them a nice house to stay in. i handdrilled holes in their house by myself! :) and i kept the house and washed it, so my next temporary pet can be readily caught. i want another eustace :)

cockroach was borderline traumatic. i don't like be melodramatic, but i seriously over-reacted on this occasion. catch a cockroach? ughhhhhh. and i think i was the only one in class with a serious phobia of cockroaches. and they didn't seem very empathetic towards my fear at all. 

what's so disturbing is that of course i was trying to put it off my mind and just go to school without a cockroach and ask teacher to just nil out my marks, i dont care, but somehow, that night itself, when i went to pee :( so ngam i see this brown uglyness at the mop and i started to tear because i know i'd have to catch it. by me, i meant my mom.

and then my mother courageously catches it for me. it was tough, but wow. and even observing it safely from the table 5 feet away, when it was in its plastic box with no holes (NO NICE HOME FOR YOU!), i was still mega creeped out. and in the morning, i covered it in three layers of plastic bags. and tied rubber bands. and by me, i meant my dad.

anyway, long story short, it wasn't that bid, the guys choloformed it for me, mei shawn pinned it for me, and if necessary, slyvia would help me. SLYvia. hehe. then there were the 11 or so baby cockroaches sharon brought, and while they were disturbing the cockroaches behind me, i thought ah i better just move away first, and literally seconds after that they dropped them and they all scattered on the floor and i got up on the nearest chair possible. i don't think i screamed though, i was focusing on saving my own life.

i really was on the verge of tears the whole day, and utterly withdrawn. and yeah, i am THAT afraid of cockroaches.

now, what i'm really going to post about is arsenal. the season starts tmr night, so thought i would kau tim pre-season first before i whirlwind myself in fandom again.

here goes. lots of pictures first! :)

 

well. the moment they announced on their website they were coming again i knew God loves me extra or something. for them to come two years consecutive, how shocking. before that i was already consigned to the fact that they may never come back again, or that it'll be another 10 years before they came back but nope God knows :D hehe.

i remember regretting for not being the whole 360 degree fan, like meeting them at the airport, lurk around the hotel, go for all the conferences and such, well HAH there are limitations, you have to be an offical arsenal malaysia fan. -_- and they only open membership in august. only official fans can go for the fans party D: 

and the airport and hotel thing sounded good last year, because i had nothing on last year. this one? a week or so before my trials, so nooo. and okay, i'm not that dedicated for all of that. :( but then!

they had a competition for a meet and greet session! and i got it! i sent in two ticket entries, one on the first day, and one on the last, using cow's ticket. and wow, cow's ticket won it. my luck right. :) i really wished faya could have gone in with me :( when i got the call i was jumping and going to cry and ahhh happiness.

i'll never forget it. its like, a happiness that radiated from within. ahaahha.

i have to say, i must have really set my expectations too high :( but time heals, and now i'm seeing the better side of it :) but it certainly makes my top 5 list of things i wished i go back and change. and number 1 is a guy issue. lol.

it said 50 lucky winners. and sounded so exclusive. and it said be there by 5 sharp. i went there abt 3.30 so that i could see them get off the bus too.

i wanted to look the best i can in an arsenal jersey, and well, i was having a good hair and skin day when i left. but seriously, at abt 6 when we could go in, i was just sweaty and whatnot and ughhhhh

i am a somewhat racist person, i know, so it seems like 80% of the fan demographic was young to middle aged malay men. mmhhm. i ain't gon be able to go thru em. lol. no :(

but i thought, it's okay, i can still meet them personally. while waiting, i met a few other friendly arsenal fans, all guys, and quite older than me D: but it was fun, because besides faya, and sometimes eugene, i have no other friends that loooooovvveeeee arsenal and know more than i do abt arsenal. so it was fun to be uninhibited for awhile and talk all things arsenal for abt 2 hours straight. and they were really nice, and took pictures for me too. and the oldest guy made sure i was safe. i hope all this doesn't sound creepy. heh.

and i swear it was more than 50 people. we were split into 4 sessions, and each session felt like 50 people -_- this is where my griping starts.

and each session was only given 15 mins. 15 mins??? at first i didn't realize how short a time it was. after i got out and thought abt it, how do you divide 15 mins btwn 25 players? and gunnersaurus? :(

and even trying to get in took abt 3 mins. -_- and regrets. they sat the players two by two around the room. and i should have turned left when i got in instead of right. 

first i reached diaby and yennaris, and song and eastmond. i tell you, i was like a awkward wreck that day. i was really speechless and dumb sounding. and i let them sign my shirt and faya's notebook. and i may have been a tad rude on account of all the rushing. there was a really nice and pretty ang moh girl from the arsenal staff that helped me to take the first two photos :)

and as unbiased as i try to be, of course you're more drawn to regular first teamers right :) alex song!

then, next table was, chamakh andddd....uh.. shamefully i can't remember because he was a younger player.

chamakh was a bit shy. but my gawd i remember i was standing there in awe because he may look only so-so in pictures, but he is really really handsome. his eyes. wow. and i got a picture with him. achievement unlocked :D and anyway, faya and i have a real soft spot for him despite you know, other things.

and then next table was gervinho and fabianski. and besides looking very intently at gervinho's hair, i don't remember much.

because, the next table was arteta and miquel. it was a bit more crowded, but they were a lot nicer. them spanish players, seriously handsome also. both of them. i got both their signatures, but no pictures. big regret there too. noob laura.

then was chamberlain and gibbs. got both their signs, but then. 

they rang the stupid gong. means time's up. and i nearly died. in a crazy fluster i took a picture with chamberlain. and i just dragged my feet around the other table. i was ONE table away from vermaelen and miyaichi. and i just snapped a photo of vermaelen and waved at him. vermaelennnnnnnn D:

and then i missed out on the rest. just like that. i got a glimpse of walcott and szczesny, and i was diligently ushered out by security. -_- 

and i was so mad. and upset. and when i got home i was so tired so upset. and i had nightmares and i couldn't sleep. i was THAT distressed. i mean, to come so close and yet so be so far, to miss the chance to fully take advantage of the opportunity i've been given, wow.

and believe it or not, the training day, i met one of the guys i made friends with that day, and he said i shouldn't have left early, because after that we could go back in again. like. what. WHAT. -_- but i'm okay now, faya has helped me gain my sanity.

training day! me, faya and cow. cow drove us to the taman jaya stadium and we took the lrt. and i really did want to sit near the benches instead of opposite again like last year, but it's okay lah. oh cow bought a yellow msia jersey and i bought a blue one yay. finally. REMINDER: I OWE COW 25 BUCKS. faya and i fangirled the whole night, while cow was probably half amused and half sien with us. after training they threw caps in the crowd, but we were just unlucky lah. it ended relatively early, i remember reaching home at 11.30 or so. and i had a bad mystery stomach ache. and i slept badly again.

matchday!

we went with eugene and his two friends. cow tak mau. haha. eugene's tickets were the free tickets mr kang gave me lah ;)

last year it was joel and joseph, and this year cow and eugene. hehe. how lucky are they. we took the lrt from asia jaya this time. and yeah, crowded lah the stadium. and yeah, crowds are not my thing. too noisy, too smelly, and too plain rude some people are. smokers especially. i guess those stupid air horns help with the atmosphere, but whhyyyy smoke -_- and rude people too. and again though, with demographic above as i mentioned. you can make your own conclusions.

the match was very enjoyable though, malaysia did play well. and when they first scored i was so happy too!  but of course, arsenal needed to win, and they did. their playing was a bit half cooked but yeah, you know, it's an odd team combo, the weather is crazy humid, and well, it is pre-season.

:)

we came home almost at 2. and the train back was not pleasant at all. some people are just evil. 

i scoured all the tour footage and found non of myself. and i didn't really bother abt the rest of the tour in china and hong kong, just the matches. 

the latest and last pre-season game was against fc cologne, and podolski scored twice, a penalty and an unbelievable second strike. ;) sometimes i forget that having podolski as an arsenal player now is such a privilege. and apparently giroud and cazorla played well too. giroud is too handsome. :D

and rvp leaving well. i liked him a lot, but i looveeed fabregas. so if i could deal with one, i could deal with the other. and fine, leave. again, strategically, why would united want him. he is kinda old, really great striker, but you have good strikers already. and, tactically he doesn't really suit united. and if he gets injured again i will laugh. sympathetically of course. but i will laugh. 

so i'll be okay, i'm already feeling more love for podolski, giroud, and cazorla then i've ever had for rvp. and song, i'm more gutted abt that. but i'm going to move on.

first game tmr night, i'm so excited! i'm usually not excited abt season starting, but this one i'm super excited. and vermaelen as the new captain, i hope the captaincy curse is over. 

and this it it. i know this post is long.

:)

you don't say that tomorrow.

<3

as each day passes i can point out the very obvious flaws that seafield has right. well, there are a few things which impress me, that my biasness can sometimes allow me to let go.

which is, their christian fellowship :)

first things though, i'm going to sound really cynical and probably Pharisaical and shallow in my opinions. but i will try to justify myself.

even as a Christian, i've never had a good impression of cfs in general, and in relation, the yearly subang rally. the concept of it of course is good, and i get it, but somehow i never really had a heart for it. and u12 didn't really have a proper cf, and i thought that was such a shame, but i can't say much lah, i didn't really support the committee when i could, except for like, one gathering. and the one year when i was 14 i think, when i went for rally.


from what i could gather, my impression of it all was really bad. i felt like it was very pretentious, and more of a social event to meet people, and very elitist. i understand that i cannot expect a church like level of commitment and organization, but then that's where it gets dangerous. 


who's to say who's qualified to be in the committee or not? anyone can pull of being nice and well mannered (most of the time), but they could be spiritually dead inside and you wouldn't know it. just as long as you're a bit more popular and outgoing helps too. leading a young group of people who are so impressionable is something that no one should take lightly. at least have a decent testimony right? i know it's a lot of pressure to keep your testimony well, but then it's a responsibility you have to bear if you want to commit. 

i've heard comm members swearing (intentionally!), having dramatic and sour friendships and relationships, and breaking way too many school rules. and with me already trying to be understanding, what more are other people going to think?

and the rally? might just be another social event you have to 'be' at. the morning session i cannot say, i've never been, so it might be awesome, i don't know :) but the night one, i honestly would just go for the worship session. only because it's louder and more hyped up than allowed in my church. and also, honestly, just to see other people. yeah. heeh :)

i can be blamed for all those things above as well, i know, i mean, i can only say so much but i know the respective committees did try their best. they just have to have more accountability as well. and i'm not condemning those who do attend, it's my opinion. if you do find it helps then go ahead, but for me, it just raises a lot more questions rather than helping me answer them.

and i do think they make a great impact, i just hope it's not just a surface thing. and actually, it's better than not putting in any effort at all i know. :)

well, seafield's cf is helping me to slowly change my mind. :)

really, being able to sing and worship in school is an awesome experience. and sometimes lah, the comm really impresses me. and the fact that they have prayer every morning is cool too. :)

sometimes it's a bit unprepared and immature-ish, but i'm guess it's because i'm old and unrelatable :(

i think i small reason as well is that the day of the 09 rally, was the day my granpa passed away.

so july 11th was the 3rd year anniversary of my beloved granpa's death. i is miss him very muchos.

it's hard to believe we are magic.

form 6 IS fun. and then some.

i've just finished my MUET speaking test, and as i always am after every exam, i am quite confident it was okay (even though it might have been the total opposite)

i'm always thankful for my groupmates, annalie, calista and yee fung, that we're all very comfortable around each other, never a single uncomfortable or awkward moment. why am i being so sappy? because small things throw me off easily and to have such a no problem group, you know, not too serious, not serious enough, always having one or members missing etc. is really an awesome thing. :)

it is now over. and sigh, muet is my only saving grace in convincing my form mates that i'm not brain dead. i think. because my results are so bad, despite my hard work. you see? i probably didn't work hard enough, but i'm narcissistic enough to believe that i have. and my laid-backness seems more like a curse than a gift.

well moving on!

joseph was back for awhile, and johanna's still here. hehe :) though, richard and kids just left, and when louisa leaves i'm gonna be a bit of a wreck. D:

and the euro's just ended. my life can resume as normal once more. staying up for almost every game, i could literally feel the effect's of the lack of sleep. sort of like a personal experiment, see how far i could go. it wasn't that bad actually.

1. one hour sleep for a day (2 to 3 consecutive days) - ridiculously tired after that one hour, but after i reach school, very energetic and hyper till about 2 or 3, then tired, but not sleepy

2. one hour sleep for a day (day 4) - still energetic in the morning, crashing by 10 or 11, sleepy, and tired

3. sleep before and after match, abt 3 hours sleep - tired the whole day, sleepy whenever left alone

4. others - more susceptible to flus, pimples, backaches, headaches

5. unnecessary stress and worry from fantasy football

i think there's more, but gah it's over, no russia, no holland (nuts), no england, no germany. 

i refuse to want to support spain as a whole team, because i still find it ridiculous that half of them come from madrid, and half of them from barca. it's no wonder they're so good, they play together so often!! of course there's torres, and silva lah, but i'm talking about that defense and midfield. and omagah ramos looks a x1000000 times better with short hair. and supporting spain is so mainstream anyway, i have a habit of supporting underdogs. italy don't count, because i just don't like them. heh.

however, i allow myself to continue supporting fabregas, and casillas is still my most favorite keeper in the world. 

i don't know if i ever manage to turn off or disinterest guys due to my intense consumption of football. i hope not. i know i turn off some girls already. :/

on to more serious matters!!

lol next time. i think that's enough for today.

catch me on fire.

yello.
i know i've been away.

the past 2 weeks have been awesome. sigh. :) such a teenage thing to say that, well, i wish life was like this always.

actually the moment exam ended it's been great. i do appreciate the times where i can just go out with no worries.

last minute sleepover at jam's house. me, ngs, boons, irving, jared, jam, kelvin. we played apples to apples and werewolf. seriously, i'd rather do this till 4am in the morning, than be in a mamak tolerating shisha smoke or just plain smoke or than in a noisy club not making conversations.

sigh, anyway. the main thing i want to post, is abt the ng's.

nat, nick, step, my sis and i have been like a power combo since i was 11 or 12. that's abt 7 to 8 years.

imagine, almost every wednesday for 7 years, they'd come to our house for cell, and we'd get to talk and play cho dai di, and monopoly deal. and make fun of the funny stuff that steph always does or says. when younger we'd do silly things like turn off all the lights and talk in the dark, or play with blindfolds. and flee from the occasional cockroaches.

it would make my week seem shorter and funner, and i'd have something to look forward to. and most holidays and big events like cny and christmas our families would hang out together. and movies! and our after youth camp traditions. and breakfasts, lunches, dinners and suppers. and even the tougher and sadder events.

through my numerous boy-crushes, and immature phases. sometimes they remind of the stupid things i used to do. wai i so noob also i dunno.

but now no more. yes lah, we'd still be good friends and see each other every week, but there were times where i'd see them everyday of the week. and now it's just the regular three days a week. :( haha.

there is no particular structure to my post, because i don't really know what to say and how to say it.
there would be no family bond anymore. but it's not a big deal really. i guess.

just that wednesdays just got a lot more boring.


:)