reality does more than just bite.

I almost forgot about my last post. And now I'm upset again.

I came here to write about my stpm results. But i'll save it for another day.

Let's just continue on from what happened.

My mama came home from a whole month or so at the hospital on the first week of march. Apparently, she was very happy. Well, in her own home of course.

It was of course much easier to spend time with her at home, and take care of her. And further along we even got her to sit on the wheelchair or the couch, just to look at her garden, or to watch tv.

She even started to regain some appetite and would look at all the food we ate, but she couldn't eat. I remember some days when one of us or my relatives would feed her some ice-cream or soup and she'd be happy.

It was also easier for others to visit her, since the hospital was so far. and you could tell she really loved visitors.

Of course I'd be optimistic for her recovery right?

CNY rolled around, and she even joined us at the table for some meals. Obviously she couldn't go visiting with us, and every house we went to we had to talk about her condition again. um. She was still insistent on giving out angpaos, and could even compliment us cousins for our new clothes.

I think around this time she looked much better already, her skin improved a lot, and her arms weren't as swollen.

It was very different when some relatives visited us at her house instead, we've never done that before.

A week or two after cny (details get hazy), her condition started to decline a lil bit. like very lil. midnight fevers and more aches and pains.

She had to go back to the hospital on the last week of February, due to an infection on her neck, and the color of her skin was darkening rapidly.

On wednesday night, 27th of february, my parents got an emergency call to the hospital, so they rushed off. And an hour later, they called my sis and i to go, because it looked really serious. We went, at about 11pm. Now, this has happened once or twice before, so as worried as we were, we didn't think of worst case scenarios yet.

She was in a different ward, under palliative care. It's a cleaner, nicer ward than lvl10. She wasn't very responsive to us, and didn't seem like herself. She was very active and didn't like the oxygen machine. The doctors and nurses a few disturbing looking tests and whatnot.

After a while, the cousins went to a sitting room down the hall. as we were all tired. funnily, that day was the last of work for me, so my next day was free. Though krystle and eric had work the next day, and jie and marcus had early classes, and shaun had things to do. So we sat and waited in the small dark room.

I have to say, generally we were still very optimistic at that point, albeit tired. it was almost 12am. After awhile, we went to see mama again, and she seemed stable. I offered to stay with my dad, but even he said it's probably just like previously, so most of us went back. The last thing we said to her was, we'll see you tomorrow.

Daddy came home at 2, and said that she's still stable. So we didn't think much. And went to sleep.

The following morning, ties with the day my granpa passed away, as worst day ever.

My mother bursts into my room at 6am, telling me my mama passed away.

I just remember feeling very numb, and laid awake till for 3 hours hugging my soft toys.

After a shower and funnily enough I had to finish some stuff for church, at 11am I went to mama's house, and prepared myself for the worst. I'm sorry if it sounds like i'm dramatizing anything, but this is how i remember that weekend.

The real stupid thing is that because of my yeh yeh's death, I knew what was coming for the next 3 or so days. And i really hated that we have to go through all of it again. So the procedure is to clean downstairs and rearrange the furniture so that we can fit the casket. and we cleaned out the old cupboards outside, most of which still holds yeh yeh's stuff. the nirvana people arranged everything, the tents and the whatever else lah.

I couldn't bear to look into the casket till at night.

Krystle took off from work, and shaun had to cancel his flight back to sarawak. Marcus skipped class. and jie jie came back at about 2pm. she was supposed to have a whole day of class.

Yeh yeh's passing left me a very distraught and teary, but this mama's one just made me very numb.

In a way, it WAS very shocking. Even yehyeh's passing we had a whole day to anticipate it.

Went back to shower and nap and i can't remember. We went back at 6pm, to prepare for the first wake service. My auntie ordered pizza hut for dinner. needless to say, it made me feel better.

at this point i think i only responded to few text msgs. I assumed most people didn't know. i never know what to say in response.

i'd say the first night was the hardest. jiejie's eulogy. when my granma's sisters are so sad.

next day was the same. Krystle's and my uncle's eulogy.
always tiring, coming home at 1am ish, irregular meals, entertaining guests.

Still, i'm so thankful for those of you that came. I don't like being calculative, but i can clearly remember friends that didn't come. not even one of the three days. i won't hold a grudge, but i still wonder.

Saturday was the funeral service. Again really tough. The cousins took one car by ourselves. We had police escorts again. i stress again that this is so stupidly and oddly familiar. The cremation. And unlike yeh yeh's, on the same day we could collect the bones and the urn and put her in the plot next to yeh yeh. Now everytime we visit we will be doubly upset.

We were not emotionally distraught and madly upset okay. We were actually okay, emotional when it came to a point, and mostly tired, but we were okay. By God's grace, we know she's in a better place and all that. We even played mahjong and had cendol and all that.

Sunday I really didn't want to go to church. I really didn't want to face anyone, and go on as if I didn't just lose one of the most important people in my life.

Since there was cell leader's meeting, we decided to go. Inevitably, people did ask. Everyone is of course very nice. Some of course more brash than others. But I know everybody is very nice.

but it just sucks remembering that, that sunday or the sunday before that we were still planning to bring mama to church.

it's been three weeks since. and if mama were around, and well, i could let her know my good results and celebrate with her.

hopes and prayers.

hello blog,
I've come here again,
To lament upon my life and all it's woes,
Where else would i go to attain,
This comfort from whatever misfortune throws.

I'VE WRITTEN A POEM. SEE HOW UPSET I AM.
how tragically beautiful is my soul now huh.

okay okay, i'm not that sad. but even if i was, it'll be in a never-say-die way anyway.

i'm here to document about my granma. :)

unless people ask, i don't like to bring it up. its been almost 4 years since my granpa had liver cancer and passed on, sometimes, (i think usually when my hormones are a bit off) i get really upset about it.

so it's no fun at all when earlier last year my granma was diagnosed with cervical cancer. or something like that. with the three chemo sessions, she was very weak. no proper sleep or appetite. but after awhile, she did recover, and gained some weight and strength back. :) i gave a small class presentation about in class too. right?

at that point, she really did inspire me. the side effects of chemo are absolutely brutal, and she could even smile, joke and be optimistic at that point in her life.

things were great. especially when it was around after one of my many test and exams, and she was treating the family and all that. :)

forgive me if my timeline is a bit wrong, most of my concentration being on stpm. it sounds selfish, but at the time, i really didn't know how to do both things at once.

around september or october ish she started having persistent stomach aches.
and then here the details get fuzzy on my part, because all i remember doing was studying. -_-

all i just remember is that things got bad quite fast. i remember before her birthday she was already very weak and tired, and somewhat bedridden right..? and the family wanted to bring her on a holiday, but she wasn't well enough.

and then exams.

i remember the moment i finished that last paper. i've never been happier. i literally could not stop smiling. driving back home i must've looked nuts on the road, smiling at nothing. and i even got a self congratulatory bubble tea drink from u-cha.

this is going to sound very pretentious, but i was very happy to be able to start really worrying about my granma. it's a real bittersweet feeling. trying to block out my worries for her for exam was tough. and when there was nothing else bigger i could worry about, it was very relieving to be able to concentrate on my granma.

and she was honestly the first person i wanted to see after exams.
i knew she would be in my uncle's house, because at the time she was weak, and didn't want to be in her house alone though, so i thought i couldn't.

i drove past her house and somehow, she and my uncle's family had come back to take some of her belongings.

i went in to see her, happy like anything. though, she was very tired, and not in the best mood.

it seemed as if it was timed in such a way that the moment my exam ended, it went downhill really fast.

she was diagnosed with another form of incurable cancer that even until now i can't fully understand.

she couldn't swallow food, and had to be fed with through a nose tube, and she couldn't walk, and her limbs were swelling up.

i don't want to seem like a spoilt brat, but besides all my holidays to singapore, genting and pd, december wasn't a nice month.

i never expect much for my birthday each year anyway, but i think my 19th birthday really tapaos as worst birthday ever. i'll not go into details, i AM over it. it was just a one day thing anyway. Christmas was worse. didn't feel like Christmas at all, other than church. even the family gathering was weird one, and didn't do any christmassy things AT ALL.

i'm not entirely ungrateful, there were many fabulous things that you would say could prolly compensate for it, but i'd give it all back if it were to mean my grandma was fit as a fiddle. yeah, even my pink charles and keith wallet that i love. and all the other stuff.

she was in the hospital for two weeks at first, and then came home.
and it was difficult, seeing her suffer. sore, itchy and phlegmmy.

well. we had to hire someone to take care of her. and she was very nice. but then at new year my granma had to be admitted to the hospital again.

honestly, i think it was for the better, the hospital is more equipped with staff and supplies for her. we had to hire another someone new to take care of my granma.

it was difficult to find someone willing to take care of my granma for half the day, since the rest of the family was working or not free. me, my sis and my dad even had a one day outing to check out nursing homes.

that, was one of the top ten worst days of my life.

i know the family would only resort to a nursing home as a worst case scenario, but after that day, i would have cancelled that option entirely, and i think so would my dad and my sister.

each nursing home was more depressing than the last. we went to about ten plus homes altogether. let's just generalise them. it was sad.

it's quiet, and full of old people just sitting around, in old fashioned dingy homes. even the nicest one with the air-conditioning was depressing. i know most of the people in the homes have got families with valid and probably sympathetic situations to result in them being there, but i don't know, i'd sooner find a way to climb mount everest than to give up and put my granma there.

so january was month of back and forth visits to the hospital. sometimes she got better, and sometimes she got worse.

a lot of people visit, i'm thankful for that.

recently in the last week, she's gotten a bittttt delirious, but doctors say it's a chemical imbalance. but it was really worrying i tell ya.

but in the entire month, she was usually cheery and could still joke and smile. :)

all in all, it's been tough.

tmr she'll be allowed to come home. it's been a whole month since she was in her own home. and i hope from there, her condition will only improve.

i'm sorry if this post seemed like a cry for pity on my part, but it isn't. i think.
i just needed somewhere to let it out, because i selfishly think my friends would not understand.

HAH not to say my inanimate blog or the cyber world will do any better, it's just i don't have smirk back at it when it gives me a non-satisfying response in return.

cheers to good health.

life begins again.

this is my stpm severance post. :D and 3 am on my 19th birthday.

i know it's a bit late, but this is the only time i've got to really sit down properly since it ended. yeah, life has been very eventful since stpm.

what can i say without sounding melodramatic and absolutely cynical.

i did previously post stuff abt form six here and there right? and has there been any good ones? hahaha.

so far in my 19 years of life, this year and a half has been the longest and most torturous. to me lah okay don't quote the homeless people or underprivileged kids and all.

i don't know how to explain why, but it must be a lot of small things, and how extremely difficult it was.

let's talk about the exam aspect of it all.

it. is. hard.
i don't know how to directly compare with all other pre-u courses in malaysia, let alone the world, but in my realistic opinion, it's probably the hardest in malaysia, i can bet my nail polish collection on it. subject to subject, you can't beat it.

PA is by no means easy, but the most feasible of the others. and compulsory. graphs, essays, politics. HOW FUN. -_-

Bio. it's hard because the syllabus is really wide, and deep. it touches university syllabus, and the marking is really strict.

but the funny thing is, i still really enjoy studying it more than the others. makes me really think of pursuing the bio field. though, i really hate plants. and dna.

and if God is merciful, i hope i did well enough. because the papers felt kinda okay. but form six really changed my perception of 'okay' lah. so okay prolly means, hurray i passed. my teacher, Pn Daisy is really, an awesome teacher. she's a lil quirky, and sometimes she does cute things for us like buy us egg mcmuffins, brownies, and a pencil, eraser and sharpener a week before exam. haha.

it's a lot of reading, and understanding. and i've gone through a levels textbooks okay. no competition.

Chemistry? i don't know. i don't even KNOW. that A+ in spm really amuses me. i just have to admit there will be some things i'll never understand no matter how much i read it. and i don't know why i just can't seem to calculate anything anymore. not to say it's very complicated, it's just plain difficult. you know, or you don't.

Pn Looi really is a great teacher, and she prepared us well, her notes and lessons are good. but eh. idk. she's also very generous though :D not to mention she postponed her retirement for us. and her curry chicken, cheesecake and so much other food. hehe.

i'm also very bad with experiments. though, i have not broken anything.

what really sunk my ship was that both paper 1 and 2 were so difficult. it's like they knew how to ask all the things i couldn't understand and leave out all the things i could. not to mention, the printing error on the periodic table they gave. real smooth, mpm.

Maths. if i ever said i liked maths, i take it back. i hate it. i thought conquering and liking add maths was enough preparation and foundation for this. it's not. not even close. i don't think i can say with confidence that i'll pass. i probably won't. i feel like a freaking genius if i can solve a question and then you see it's only worth 6 marks and you just want to die. and what has functions and inequalities evolved into?

sigh. it's also quite scary when the smarty pants in class still don't know how to answer some questions here and there.

sorry, i think i can blame half of my failure upon my maths teacher. i will not elaborate.

it's the only subject i have extra tuition for. i don't know if it helped.
that's it. just four, and i really think my brain has reached it's limits.

i'll post about the other aspects later. maybe not even at all, the hell that is stpm drifts further and further away into the past. and i'll gladly let it go. :)

about a few inches.

a bout of nostalgia really hit me today. a specific situation. same people. same feelings? but of course, never under the same circumstances. i don't really like the feeling, it's like grasping at thin air only to realize you dropped it a long time ago.

you can wish and wish and your mind will be boggled into trying to wiggle your way back into even a having a glimmer of hope that such a thing could even be possible again, but it's going to take more than a miracle.

i think i'm ready, or about to be ready on my part. but the other person NEVER so. 

i'm not the type that would flip a table, rather, i'd slump unhappily like a pile of cabbage on top of it and try to dig a hole with my fingernails. 

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

is this a kind of evil?

my grandmother's condition is getting worse. and things get complicated.