when life gives you lemons, demand for peaches.

sigh, you know most of the time i'm completely content that i'm single and that i can't even consider at all being in a relationship right now or for sometime. but sometimes, (i think around period time lah) all i can think about is having a boyfriend.

it'll be worth it when everything's just right you know, i don't want a silly, temporary yet heartbreaking relationship. no such thing as, "we'll figure it out later".

i don't need a boyfriend. anything that you need to have from having a boyfriend i already have from all my best friends. except if i want to do more than hug lah, but if that's want you want from a boyfriend then i think your motives are all wrong D: hamsap you.

i just need a constant reminder of this. phoooooooooooooooooo.

i have God anyway.
:)

oh, and i get lots of love from bruce wayne when i pet him. :) PET HIM.

whatever makes you happy.

sigh. i realize now why i've been emoing AT my blog. because there are so many things i gotta write here, but since the day it lost some of my posts, i've been boycotting it. 

see, at first i thought of why i need to blog. nobody really blogs anymore. is there some sort of stupid desperate need i have that others have already overcome?

then i rationalized that i write to express my thoughts, feelings and events without literally telling anyone. and to keep memories. 

so if that's true, is it okay to be that attached and take it that seriously? i mean, i am honestly upset that blogger lost my posts. 

:(

well, i have a theory. 

i think i have a mild separation anxiety disorder. i'm not trying to dramatize the situation or anything, i'm trying to understand it. and OF COURSE it's not just regarding this. just read on, and try not to roll your eyes.

separation anxiety disorder, or s.a.d (haha, i didn't realized the coincidence) er, wait, i copy paste from wikipedia for you :)

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father, mother, grandparents, and brothers or sisters). Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD), is characterized by significant and recurrent amounts of worry upon (or anticipation of) separation from a child or adolescent's home or from those to whom the child or adolescent is attached.

Those suffering from SAD may worry about losing their parents and/or getting lost or kidnapped. They often refuse to go to certain places (e.g., school) because of fears of separation, or become extremely fearful when they are left alone without their parents. These children and adolescents may also refuse to sleep alone, experience nightmares about separation, or experience various physical complaints (e.g., body-aches, nausea) when separated from their parents. Separation anxiety may cause significant impairment in important areas of functioning, (e.g., academic and social). 

1. my unhealthy attachment to my ex-classmates and ex-school is definitely something other than just unhealthy. i know we all miss each other, but sometimes i feel terribly desperate to see you all. and the weird thing is, i also desperately want to see people i'm not even that close with. seafield is not a bad school, and neither are my new classmates, but somehow i can't seem to grasp that. everyones making new friends, but i can't do that cause it's not easy. 

at first i thought i was shy, ptuh since when am i shy, then i thought maybe i just need to get used to it, but it's been like 2 months! 

2. that same desperate yearning to see people also continues. my attachment to my church friends. all of you. close, kinda close, and not-so-close :) i enjoy my weekends like crazy (that's why i can't get any homework done) and then it crashes onto a monday. and i feel like i haven't seen them forever. then wednesday when i see nat, nick, steph, jeannie and mae i feel much better. then fridays aren't so bad cause i know i'll be seeing them at night. and if i miss a day at church, like yesterday, i feel so much emptier. 

3. i also can't imagine living away from my family, my house, usj. i can't imagine going off for studies and not being able to sleep in my bed and pee in my own toilet. that i can't see my family. or that i would miss weekends in church. anything more than a week and i think i'd go nuts.

4. death affects me unnaturally too. i'm not scared OF death, i'm scared because they won't be here anymore. be with the one's they love. i cry when i read about death in books. so dumb. movies are okay to cry cause there's sad music and i'm sure other people are emoing too. but still. i think my boggart would form either someone close dying, or a cockroach. either. 

5. i think it's also why i'm suddenly attached to soft toys again. the most clean one being my soft toy cow, with no name. i'm not usually into soft toys, or cows. but now i sleep with my cow. because i think i'll feel less lonely. i think lah :) sometimes i think that's why i want a pet so much. not just because i like animals, but to reduce my loneliness. and a pet fish. see. 

6. i also almost always dream of my old friends. and about getting lost or someone chasing me. i think this is unrelated. anyhooooooooo :)

so. quite pathetic right? i know. but it definitely explains alot. this is beyond just nostalgia, it's some sort of condition. and wow, if i didn't have God, i'd probably be in a mental hospital already. 

how else can i describe my almost painful aching desperate hope of going back into the past? 

:)

i'm so loser right i know :D haha. 

see how much i love you all. you better love me back. these are early symptoms of serial killers.

:) bai!

and blog, i forgive you. but if you do it again, i will go to wordpress. 

and we're wondering how.

just a thought.

you meet hundreds of strangers every day, every week, but you obviously don't know much about them except their physical appearance. 

it's easy to make a judgement about them based on that right?

and of course you don't think about them any much more. 

there's nothing particularly interesting that you can find out more about them.

but what if i find out you play the guitar well, you love football, love your parents very much, can draw well, love reading, and is ridiculously charming. wouldn't that impress you either?

but the thing is you can't know all these things about a person at once.

so what if you don't know anything interesting about me?

do you just not want to know me?

i was the coolest thing in kampar.

at the grand kampar hotel.

i should want to post this in events, but this trip is kinda long so and more important so i guess it deserves a place here :)

well, why kampar of all places? for a holiday? D: i don't know too, but we didn't choose it, no :)

technically, it was a church camp. yup. for leaders. 

we left on sunday afternoon, after church, and after lunch in apollos -_- and bought loads of stuff from 7-11. which we didn't even eat -_-

after reading some cleo or the newspaper the obvious thing to do was SLEEP right. i brought my pillow. though it was still uncomfortable. i tell you, that persona backseat really sucks.

before reaching kampar new town it was kinda sad-ish. 

mining pools everywhere, and lots of graveyards.

kampar new town was well, new. it's a really cute quaint-ish sort of place and at the centre of it all was the grand kampar hotel. it looked like the only thing which was grand in kampar. it looked like the only hotel in kampar.

but it was much better than expected for a place like, well, kampar.

reached there at... 3.30? roughly a 2 hour journey lah.

i am using my trusty twelveans luggage bag. it's not the nicest bag you'll ever see. but hey, i love it because only sexy athletes get it, and in my senior year too. it's much too big for 3 days and 2 nights -_- and oddly still, i manage to fill it to the brim. with two extra pillows yaw. :D

well we reach and my room's still not ready -_- so we lump everything in my parents room and take a walk...

the pool is tiny. and shallow. and on the rooftop. hahah. 

went about to do things. my room was only available at like 5.30. what a ripoff. and steph and sarah were there already! :D haha.

took my shower, and we joined the two single beds together :) air con! and the tv had star movies, espn, disney, wah lai toi and bbc news...? er. BUT. no actually we didn't have disney :( dunno why my room don't have while other rooms had.

sarah brought her ipad! :D

walked around. secret recipe and mcdonalds just around the corner. not bad :)

found bubble tea! :) for only 2.50. yup. 

sessions. dinner. not bad lah. i gotta say that there, the soup, was epic. everytime! :) er. i don't what fancy chinese name you call those soups, but they're uber nice. i think i drank more soup than i ate rice.

supper. we walked around the whole block. slight drizzle. reached a place called kampar station. it's like old town like that lah. kampar version. the prices there are awesome. 4.50 for the many types of fried rice. 4 bucks for a very generous serving of curly fries :) and 4 bucks for a really talllllll ice-blended. hehe. 

and, old westlife karaoke videos playing in the background. AND, we gots monopoly deal! :)

gideon, clement, me, matthew, jess, nick, adrian, and my sister. :)

walked back to the hotel. my old woman of a sister went back to sleep. we went to gideon's room. for don't know what.... er. dunno? we played some sims 3 on matthews bigass laptop. and then some fighting game. i guess it was late and i was kinda tired....

went back to my room at about...12.30 to 1.00 something somewhere there. sarah and steph not in! lol. then they came back and then came in and screamed cause they didn't expect me to be there. lol. 

we slept ACROSS the beds, yes, not vertically. haha. and not facing the windows cause they're scared. and we left the bathroom light on. cause they're scared. haha.

set alarm for 6.40. i'm so awesome that when it rang, instead of snooze i pressed dismiss. woke up at 7.20 and freakkkeeedd out. rushed. bitterly cold. bathroom bitterly cold. 

reached the hall late. embarassing lah. haha. i thought i was the last one. 10 minutes later, jess, my sister and cae me walked in. muahaha.

sessions were good :) and worship good too :) i was extremely sleepy sometimes. but when i was awake i really was listening.

erm. had a good 365 session.

free time. dawdling in the room. supposed to go off with the family to old town kampar but they left without us. haha.

went to aj's room. we also went to get bubble tea again. haha.

we played more monopoly deal. and this cute game called bohnanza.

then the night session. and then went back to the room and mati-ed for awhile. sarah and steph went out first so yeah i had some alone time :)
air con, comfy bed, tv :)

then went with nick to the mamak to find everybody. at 10.30
wargh there were flies everywhere! D: everywhere. we changed to sit outside, and it was just the same!
lol. so i went back to the lobby cause it was so geli and had i eaten anything, it would be a start of another unnecessary phobia.

used the wifi in the lobby for awhile. and then zhe kai came! :D at 11.
i miss him alot. :(
we walked to mcD. which was packed. with students -_- i belanja him a chocolate sundae.
then we walked to his er, house? hostel? about 15 mins walk lah. got alot of things to talk also mah. haha.

then saw his room D: which is small. and hot :( and quite sad looking. but i don't want to discourage him anymore okay D:

then he walked me back. another 15 mins. reached back to the hotel at abt 12.30?

back to the room. sampats were there lah of course :D
i washed my hair! :D

note to self:
i usually don't bring conditioner on holidays or camps cause they're a hassle and i dont usually have small bottles of it. and my hair suffers D: from all the air con or sudden change in weather. so this time i just brought the whole fat bottle of it, and it really makes a difference! i loooov my hair. lloooov it soooo much. haha.

slept at 1.30. sarah and i sang the belle song and be our guest to sleep. I NEEDDDD! SIX EGSS! haha.

woke up in time the next day thank God. so early in fact i had time to pack some stuff first :) and gobble down some of the sampats' pringles.

breakfasts at the hotel is quite awesome :) to me lah anyway. cereal and milk, and toast. and eggs :) and orange juice. mmmmmmmm.

last session :) and then lunch. and then pack! or was it pack first then lunch? D:
i think so far i have not left anything there. that i have realized yet.

we and the ng's then went to visit the utar campus. it's bigg :O and everyone cycles everywhere. a few scooters too! sexyyy :)

um. but that's about it.

then we went to old town kampar to tapao the curry chicken wrapped in bread thing? i just ate that for dinner, er, it's not really nice o.O

then ice kacang. which isn't very nice either?

then home. slept the WHOLE way. came home and slept more. sigh.

i think that's it. haha.

you ain't got no dope.

just so you know, i don't post here very often, but i post more in my mood watcher and events, so don't give up so fast :)