We should stick together

Many months have flown by since the last post but I can give a summary and theme of what's been happening right after February.

• I left Great Eastern, my first ever job and many beloved colleagues and friends - almost 8 months on and I still miss them so much, and happy to still keep in touch with them and the drama that's been happening here and there. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed, I'm not so confident I would have risen to the challenge of my promotion and the expectations and responsibilities there, and not to mention absolutely dragging my feet through the parts of the job I hated. and I'm OFTEN reminded that certain things going on there would have continued to peeve me and kill my spirit with how little it can be changed - SO my takeaway is that I wish I could pack up alllll my favorite people and take them with me

• My life at Liberty so far - it has been AMAZING. Many people ask about how it's been and I'll never get tired of seeing surprised faces when I'm telling them how genuinely rewarding it's been, usually job moves are quite humbling if not average so I'm happy to break the norm. I'll tell you more later!

• The focus of my work here is very specialized and involved, compared to my previous role where I felt it was too much of a stretch and not being to excel at any one part - so here I truly get to grow and learn in new areas, such as continuing my charge into the insurance industry, now in General insurance, while also building technical and analytical understanding. For now since it's still new I'm kept on my toes in a good way, but still having flexibility and more control over my work life. I work with a much more diverse pool of stakeholders and the culture change is a breath of fresh air. 

• For now, most things like even the tech, software platforms and office location etc etc is very much green green grass. Things like now having my Teams and Outlook on my phone makes things very convenient, and yes I realize many companies have this too but I'm really just comparing to GE. 

• It's also just me revisiting my future in a HR related role because now I'm not attached to HR so I get to be external to that and tbh HR has it's own quirks and considerations but overall it's just a lot of being at the mercy of more stakeholders and having more expectations and responsibility set over you whereas my role now is really just meant for growing talent and helping the business. I try to remember my previous day-to-day of just fighting fires, helping to solve big and petty problems, being diplomatic to carefully, tactfully and professionally manage people both above and below, ugh, it's unnecessary drama. 

• I also got to travel to Bangkok for two weeks in June for work, my first international work trip, and it felt great. Maybe some people are used to it or it's a normal thing, but let me celebrate this as a privilege. I should get to go at least once a year from now on, fingers crossed on visiting any other country especially to HQ in Boston, one day, even if not next year or the year after.
   
• For now I'm still feeling slightly lonely and like an outsider as I don't have a direct peer in my team here, they're all reporting to me. I'm working on my other peer connections, and of course get to continue on this path of working with fresh grads and seeing them grow and improve - just this time I'm almost on a similar learning path as them. My flexible arrangements do allow me to connect with people right after or between working hours like seeing my other friends during lunch and all so I'll hope to keep taking advantage of that.
• Things are never perfect though, there are difficult individuals here and there, I fear some of the more technical things might elude me forever and maybe after a couple of years, I can foresee some repetitive aspects but I don't worry about it too much. I need to be a lot more disciplined for sure - i just KNOW i would never be able to adjust to any future role which requires me to be in the office everyday. Crazy how most people still need to do this?

•  OK done with that, sorry for the incorrect usage of bullet points. We move on!

• I also had an amazing friends trip to Korea and Phuket. I really, really, really, love my friends. Despite the usual differences of personalities and travel styles, I take it as a big blessing to be able to firstly, afford all this without a very strict budget, and get everyone's ability as people get busier and busier, and still generally enjoy growing friendships and memories together. I just am sad because I know it'll be harder and harder to get these again in the future. 

• What else? My husband had quite a serious shoulder surgery and it's not easy to worry about his physical capability when he's been more than extremely reliable in this area in the past and what was hoped to be long in the future but pish posh in the end it seems recovery is going very well and honestly, his weakened state is still stronger than my strongest state -_-

• To which I've been making progress over my physical health and weight, not that there are major differences yet but i can feel a momentum building towards spending more time on exercise and eating more mindfully. I'm looking forward to being less weak (not just more strong haha)

• Supporting Arsenal has been extra rewarding and extra painful, what else can I say

I actually wanted to post about something else, but it's nice to recap the last few months and look back at the many positive things.

There are some difficult patches too, that's for another time.

TQTQTQTQ

Happy songs

Happy Taylor swift songs stuck in my head like a happy playlist 

I feel it’s rare to be generally quite happy and content so I thought I would note it down 

I was so happy I even wrote how happy I was in one of my WhatsApp group chats to share 

I’m on a holiday now with my family in law and it’s not like everything is perfect of course there are some challenges and thoughts and worries about life as usual. My husband already gave me multiple heart attacks and my nag meter is through the roof 

I concluded again that I miss and like my life in malaysia a lot despite its many problems, probably mostly because it’s what I know and am used to, but not wrong to be grateful for it

So yes I’m happy on a holiday of course because it’s a short commitment free pocket of life, I only need to get a drink and walk through the city with some sunshine, also cos my husband is helpful planner and I’ve been able to turn off my brain 

It’s also nice to get more opportunities to be closer with my family in law, as tiring as it can be sometimes to learn new things about different people

But overall it’s nice to not worry about work, cny is usually quite fun but also stressful so now we’re away so it’s an interesting experience

Why else am I happy? I’m a month away from changing my job which is crazy i definitely need a whole post on that but it’s the next phase in life for me to look forward to, and of course financially as well there’s gonna be a difference.

Although I still have some financial worries constantly as we all do, I always need to remind myself how blessed I am and remember to be thankful for the small things which is part of my attitude now anyway hence this post 

I’m also just planning for a Korea holiday with friends, the places I wanna go and the people I wanna go with

Maybe underlying tone is also that as much as I like this worry free life, I know I won’t go crazy going after it to fill any emptiness or discontentment. It will be the normal thing to aim for this lifestyle whether it be through more money and early retirement etc, but I know it’s back to the normal life after this.

Literally the only thing that would make me happier is that if my dress today had pockets serious 

30 is the new 25

happy birthday to me! I want to write today, to kind of look back lovingly to my past, and to my future self and keep this state of self in my memory.

firstly, i acknowledge a certain sadness in growing older and in a way hitting this threshold of not being a kid/teen/fresh grad person anymore. i'm fully expected (in my own eyes anyway) to be as adult as i can be in every aspect. 

i think if you know me i am not a person who likes to take responsibility, i know it sounds so flaky and immature, but i notice more and more about this aspect of myself. i think i am a reliable enough person generally, but even i wouldnt consider myself 100% dependable, the way i see some people in my life are, like my husband or my sister for example. i want to be free of expectations, and walk at my own pace figuratively and literally.

i cant or i think shouldnt really play around anymore in terms of my free time and relationships - it really needs to be more wholesome yes and with my life firmly guided by my spiritual beliefs, being productive is more than just a human thing, it is a Godly thing. not busy, not occupied, but productive and meaningful and helpful to not just myself but others around me. 

so yes i cannot simply act, talk, dress, etc in any way i want. i have really been working towards this over the last few years to either align my outside to my inside or my inside to my outside and step by step it is less overwhelming.

secondly, i have been intentionally telling myself to be prepared for whatever is next - i have to go and do the next hardest thing in life eventually, which is to start a family. i really grieve whatever freedom and personal space/time i have to sacrifice, but i must keep remembering it will be worth it? as more of my peers and friends start a family vs those continuing their current path, you must acknowledge the differences in the future direction. i also tell myself that it will not cause any rift or prejudice of course, but life will change and i am coming to terms with it. i have seen and begun to understand more of the selflessness of my parents for me, it is crazy. crazy crazy crazy.

imagine going on that journey, while also constantly making sure you're improving as a wife, not just a mother. putting your marriage and household as something you're always working on for the benefit of all. ask either of us, this year has been tough and each resolution feels better than the last and we must keep failing forward. 

thirdly, maintaining friendships and other important relationships in your life to make sure you're not just accidentally being reclusive and just being around other like minded people and eventually your worldview gets so narrow - i always worry about this haha but of course for now, i can only see and appreciate the people i have around me - and nihilistically, i have always been pre-sad about my other close friendships that i know will eventually suffer. i WILL do what i can to preserve and maintain what i can, but i cannot get too emotional if it doesnt meet my expectations.

and lastly, just having to keep moving up in career. can't keep doing what i've been comfortable doing. and trust me, every year and especially this year has been a push, a tall order, to try and prove to my bosses, peers and myself that i'm deserving of a promotion. a year ago i would say no i'm not ready, and now its like yeah well i'm doing too much so give it to me. i say this always, sometimes i think i'm overpaid/overvalued and sometimes i think i'm underpaid/undervalued. either way. i just know, i really hate working. they ask me whats my passion, my passion is to not work. huhu so sometimes i just worry trying to reconcile how to be content but also motivated at work enough to enjoy my life outside of it - then i think well its literally been almost 7 years trudging up that mountain, you can continue trudging lol

OK struggles aside - this next part is for me to realize what's good about this part of my life and i am overall, happy.

being older really means caring less about the small things - it is so freeing to not worry about insignificant things that earlier me would have thought to be insignificant. being older allows you to move on more quickly. i think i have a good learning attitude and dwell positively in regrets haha 

this helps in overall self confidence, not worrying too much about how others see me or react or feel and its nice not having that negative self-esteem that seemed to eat me up so much as a younger girl. i want to take this space to say, i like how i look, i like how my personality turned out, i like how comfortable and straightforward i feel, i like how even if i'm not speaking my mind or being represented 100% fairly, i dont even really care about that. 

what helps is also being more financially independent, i'm not saying in rich in anyway as i look bleakly at my bank balances, but it is nice to grow and see how the value of something changes and you can worry less about small things. its clothes and food really, makes me happy. if i need it, and i can focus on putting my money towards more quality things, i feel so free compared to earlier me, where every ringgit counts. there are still many areas in life i guess that i still am careful, but it must be not important enough to me to make it a cost i'd like to spend on and i am also fine with that. if you can spend a lot on haircuts, makeup and manicures then good on you. and in fact, what is 'a lot' is also so subjective so you do you

so if i were to meet my younger self, i'd be quite impressed with the person i am today. maybe a bit more physically fit would be better haha but i would tell myself to just keep appreciating each good moment that passes by and dont waste too much time on useless things/people 

and to the future me, i hope you keep improving yourself, to grow the integrity of being more sincerely selfless and caring for others (including whatever future family i may have) and not let things of the world like money or work hold me back, to live a life that shows others how good God is 

and one day be fitter and skinnier haha 

and more diligent on chores

and i hope i am not always so tired 

amin 

I'm a shadow of myself

I can only think I'm trying my best - everyone is different on how they perceive things, or is this a liberalist/post-modernist excuse that makes me less accountable for my actions.

My chase to be as objective as I can be is extremely laughable. I don't want to be ignorant but at the same time if I keep thinking I know or understand everything and am aware of the possible blind spots - is an infinite argument because if I settle on that then I'm already telling myself I know everything and I know all the things I don't know which is the exact opposite. But then I think...is the opposite of that just always being the one that surrenders and says, well I just don't know. That also seems like an easy way to excuse yourself from the responsibilities of your thoughts and actions.

Deep sigh of relief typing that out, this is an exercise to untangle my brain.

And one more thing I'd like to pull out of my brain

Here is another season of Arsenal fandom. Where I feel the stakes (of my emotions) are the highest they will ever be in recent years. How poetic it would be to win this season on our 20th anniversary of our last EPL trophy. Last season was great but equally painful - but after many months of recovery you can look back and remember that we have progressed greatly and there was more good things than bad.

How I enjoyed the wins and the news and the podcasts again when things were going well - but because the hope took you by surprise that yes disappointment would also come.

But this season with everything on the line and the new signings and expectations, my hope has never been this high and I just know the higher the climb the harder the fall so it will be an exercise for my emotions again.

Why all this just for football hah please i've had this unhealthy relationship with football for almost 15 years, longer than some of my closest friendships to date. 

I also deserve happiness in the form of a trophy please huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Sekian terima kasih.

Growing and going

Here I am almost gonna be thirty, not that 29 is a big difference and we don't need to dramatize everything but I'm still learning to be the master of my life and even writing that it's like nope, you're not, God is the God of my life and that is as final and true as it can ever be.

If I follow my own style of writing throughout the years, or at least remember some bits of thoughts and emotions as I'm writing - what I do know is I always worry about what others think and that I always want to make sure I don't misrepresent myself and want to clarify so many things and bring so much context to everything.

Not just so in the way as to actual human eyes reading this, but no, into all my thoughts and actions in real life I feel I am, or want to be, as self aware as I can possibly be.

Believe it or not, this year, I'm actually on a journey to being an even more confident version of myself and I HOPE it is from a good and positive place and not from being even more frustrated, cynical and nihilistic about things.

Because it makes me feel like I'm 15 years old again, and I have a deep mistrust of almost everybody and there's always a lens then gets clearer more and more unto their flaws and imperfections. I was just thinking that in my day to day thoughts and life with people, I think I'm quite open and give people the benefit of the doubt and lots of room and grace BUT funnily enough a little bit of WELL WHATEVER BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE ANYWAY and I just can't be bothered to take things too personally or get offended because maybe deep down, I don't care or love people enough that their actions SHOULD matter to me.

I hope you get my flow of thought but I maybe don't care? I look back at all the times where maybe I am the first person to back down or think nah maybe they're right and I hold my peace or try to change myself but I'm having this feeling, a reassurance, some clarity, some support, from God that maybe, there's a strength to this. Maybe, God made me this way and I will get the courage and wisdom to make my stand for things I believe in. Maybe I start taking authority in what I believe is right and as peaceful and amicable as He made me to be, there are things in my life where I need to rely even more on because it may be unpopular or all those things I dont like to be, but if it is rooted on truth, I should.

There's an ideal or expectation (that you think looks the most impressive or cool) in your life around this time. I was going to leave the post as it is but I came back to this part and thought I should list them out specifically so I can be honest with myself and hear how silly I sound.

1. I should be advanced in my career and progress so that comes with working in a more impressive or glamorous industry, company, role, with more money, more benefits, more power, more freedom

2. I should be able to connect and network and have friends who are similar or are as or more fun, interesting and impressive with cool activities in cool places 

3. I should have the freedom and ability to travel or do fun things with fun people in my free time, to discover and express myself more in my hobbies, interests, music, and self care

4. I should look more put-together, professional, elegant, with my own standard for weight and condition of my hair, skin, fashion, behavior, in the things that I own

5. I should have the ability to impact people and bring value, be of importance, be relatable but also impressive, be genuine, warm

6. I should be able to be more mature and wiser in my actions, decision making, planning and be competent and organized in many or all areas of my life

Okay after i listed it out, it does sound mad. I dont think about this all the time dont worry. just sometimes. overall i am quite happy with myself laaaaaaaaa

Maybe just being more grownup and growing up with everyone around you makes you see more of how different we all are and of course it's hard to deal with that. 

There is honestly a lot more to express (as usual) but it all draws back to the same conclusion. Infinite things are upon us and the more we are aware of that the better and I can take peace knowing that at least that is one step in the right direction. I cannot understand some people are so happy being themselves. (this is me showing my judgement again)

And of course, I know, I have my own infinite blind spots. For one, being married easily highlights my terrible lack of ability to communicate my feelings and a deeper level of pride within myself that I ever imagined.

I am quite afraid of the future and even more commitments because well yeah my plate feels pretty full right now, I don't know how I would have the mental capacity to take on more things.

At work I have more responsibilities and expectations than I would ever have (at least it's not stagnant?) so that's another whole story. Owning your own home and having to worry or take care of that making sure everything is clean, functioning, welcoming, maintained, it's a full time job. My personal financial management has always been a joke but even more so now its crazy. On top of that, you have another human who is your most favorite and important person with you, so you also add on all their good and bad into your life. It's like extra everything. and again, differences are inevitable but getting through it is tough. you can celebrate the wins and milestones and progress but sometimes its just overwhelming.

Imagine having kids, I literally can't even.

I will leave myself and whoever you are with this last thought. As much as there's so many things and people and yourself that you don't understand, can't accept, can't control, can't comprehend; I know God is great and He is good and He loves me and knows me more than I know myself. He can and is changing me to be more like Him and I have a great life now and in the future with Him. 

goodnight also being old sucksss your body is so fragile